善地

The Good Place S03E12

Part 2 Dec. 11, 2019, 3:31 p.m.

called Big Noodle.
遇到这种"神助攻" 只能认衰了
Well, we gave it our best shot, guys.
大家好聚好散吧
It was nice knowing you.
我总是对"大面条子"发脾气
I used to yell at Big Noodle
因为他排舞时总是迟到
'cause he always showed up late to rehearsal.
结果有一天我家下面的烂泥塘水淹了
Then one day, the swamp under my house flooded.
我需要借宿一晚
I needed a place to crash,
所以我就去"大面条子"家睡了
so I slept at Big Noodle's house.
结果发现他得打三份工
Turns out that he had to juggle three jobs
才能养活挤在一张床上的爷爷奶奶和姥爷姥姥
to take care of four grandparents who all lived in the same bed
就像威利·旺卡那样
just like in "Willy Wonka."
出自《查理和巧克力工厂》主角和爷爷奶奶与外公外婆住在一起
自此之后我就再没对"大面条子"发过脾气
I never yelled at Big Noodle for being late after that
因为我知道他的处境有多艰难
'cause I knew how hard it was for him to be there.
而他绝对没时间买♥♥番茄之前还去调研一下
And he definitely didn't have time to research what tomatoes to buy.
即使他想那么做
Even if he wanted to,
拥有不经油炸的蔬菜那在杰克逊维尔也是"犯罪"啊
possession of a non-fried vegetable is a felony in Jacksonville.
重点是你不能轻易对人类下定论
The point is, you can't judge humans
因为你不懂我们所历之劫
'cause you don't know what we go through.
法官他的智商突然上线了他说得对
Amazingly, Your Honor, he's right.
我去人间走了一回才理解人类
I didn't really understand people until I went to Earth.
你也该下凡走一趟
Maybe you should give it a shot.
如果你到时还不能理解
If you still don't see things our way,
那我们就不闹了你可以
then we'll drop it, and you can...
一个响指把我们全灭掉
you know, zappy, zappy, marble, marble.
行我就去一回人间
Yeah, sure. I'll give it a shot.
下凡去历一次劫
I'll go down there. See what you guys go through.
然而无论如何
And then one way or another,
这场闹剧必须收场了
this is going to end.
你们知道哪里的墨西哥美食最棒吗
Do you guys know a good place where I can get Mexican food?
当然是墨西哥啦
Mexico.
她会走多久
How long will she be gone?
没法知道
No way to tell.
我猜
my guess is--
我靠
Brother.
真是历劫啊
That was rough.
你懂了吧
Right?
我滴妈呀人间水深火热啊
Sheesh. Earth is a mess, y'all.
我在人间算是黑人吧
Also, I guess I'm black?
人们对黑人女性太不友好了
And they do not like black ladies down there.
做人好惨
Crap, y'all.
这事很严重啊
This is bad.
你都去哪了啊
Where did you go, exactly?
坦桑尼亚巴拉圭
Tanzania, Paraguay,
越南丹麦
Vietnam, Denmark.
人间处处是邪风各路妖魔闪瞎你
It's terrible everywhere and always in a different way.
我只喜欢一个地方夏威夷
The only place I liked was Hawaii,
然而我一直待在度假村里
although I barely left the resort.
我最后去了密歇根的"散货场" 正赶上"黑五大甩卖♥♥"
The last place I went was a Black Friday sale at an outlet mall in Michigan.
-你为何想不开 -因为搞促销啊
- Why? - For the deals.
人间太烂了
Earth stinks, y'all.
又热又挤
It's hot, and it's crowded...
但同时又让人感到空虚寂寞冷
but somehow also cold and lonely.
我以为做出正确选择会很容易
I thought it was going to be so easy to make good decisions.
我第一件事就是上网搜了
The first thing I did was I Googled
"又大又多汁的天然番茄"
"Big, juicy natural tomatoes,"
结果搜到了一个专门提供"晒伤"性癖的色♥情♥网♥站♥
which led me to a porn site that was for people with a sunburn fetish or...
我的心理阴影面♥积♥可以覆盖地球了
I kind of never recovered.
对这是问题一
Right. That's problem number one.
生活就是一团乱麻又无法预料
Life is chaotic and messy and unpredictable.
问题二
Problem number two--
就算你能排除万难做出正确选择
even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions,
你还是因为一些始料未及的后果而丢分
you still lose points because of the unintended consequences.
没错人生到处都是坑
Yeah, there are booby traps everywhere.
比如有一种鸡肉三明治
Like, there's this chicken sandwich
如果你吃了就表示你讨厌同性恋
that if you eat it, it means you hate gay people.
而这个三明治可好吃了
And it's delicious.
对确实特别好吃
It is. It is so good.
我基本照你的建议做了
And I essentially tried to do what you suggested.
我每次选择都会想很多
I obsessed over every choice.
但那样也减分
But that was also bad,
我死后还是来到了"恶地"
and I still got sent to the Bad Place.
所以我代表问题三
So I'm problem number three.
不你别甩锅给别人小帅哥
No, you are nobody's problem, sweetheart.
我们得想办法解决此事
You know, we got to figure this out.
然后"乌龟"和龙达·鲁西打赌
And then Turtle makes a bet with Ronda Rousey,
格斗冠军演员
如果她输了她就得
and if she loses, she has to--
这是闹哪样
come on.
我正在给莎士比亚讲影版《明星伙伴》的情节
I was just in the middle of torturing William Shakespeare
以此来折磨这位大文豪呢
by describing the plot to the "Entourage" Movie.
什么事儿
What is this?
我最近了解了一些情况
Some new information has come to my attention,
我需要解决之策
and I need a solution.
我想听听"恶地"有何高见
I want the Bad Place to weigh in on this.
但首先我们换个场景
But first, let's have a change of scenery.
记住各位我们还在"煎饼屋"
Remember, guys, we're still in the IHOP,
都别大意
so be careful.
肖恩我有理由相信人类可能卡在及格线上
Shawn, I have reason to believe that humans might be, on average,
其善恶值应高于系统中的评分
better than the points system suggests they are.
反方观点
Counterpoint--
人类特别恶劣
humans are terrible--
软饼干乐队奴隶制
Limp Bizkit, slavery.
原告陈述已毕
The prosecution rests.
我得说这个反驳说服力太强
Got to say, that's a solid rebuttal.
确实有很多没节操的人
Look, there are plenty of awful people
以及无脑喷子
and thoughtless jerks,
这时必须提一下纳粹分子
and, I guess Nazis again, somehow.
但也有一心向善的人
But there are also people who are really trying to be good,
而他们想进"善地"都难于登天
and they aren't getting close.
因为他们不擅长向善
Because they're not good at being good
毕竟人性本恶
because they're bad.
他们在人间的分数就代表了善恶程度
The score they got on Earth is how good or bad they are--
绝对没跑儿
full stop, end of story.
那这四个人类怎么在"假善地"一次次提升自己了呢
Then why did these four get better over and over again in my Neighborhood?
他们在人间没帮过别人
Why did they help each other in ways
为何在此却肝胆相照相互扶持呢
they had never helped anyone on Earth?
不知道小概率事件吧
I don't know. Maybe it's a fluke.
另外你也没有证据表明他们提升了
Plus, you have zero proof they did get better.
你也没记录过他们的分数
You didn't keep track of their points.
说到点子上了
That's it.
我知道该怎么...
I know what we have to--
他忘了我们还在"煎饼屋"
He forgot we're still in the IHOP.
有人看到奇迪了吗
Anybody got eyes on Chidi?
救命
Help!
救我
Help!
谁能帮忙抓一下我的"微男友"啊
Can someone grab my tiny boyfriend, please?
我来
I'm on it.
抓到了
And... got him.
变回来
Here you go.
我目睹了一万亿不同现实交错重叠在一起
I... I just saw a trillion different realities folding onto each other
就像一片金属薄片
like thin sheets of metal,
铸成一片利刃
forming a single blade.
没错大家都见过"时之刃"啦
Yeah, yeah, the Time-Knife. We've all seen it.
继续说正事吧
Let's get back on track, bud.
好没问题
Okay, sure.
我刚才的发言被打断了
What I was saying, before, you know--
可我看到了"时之刃"哎
I saw the Time-Knife?
是这样...
Is this...
迈克尔说得对
Michael is right.
他的社区让我们有机会向善
His Neighborhood gave us the chance to become better people
因为那里没有地球上复杂的干扰因素