凯文滚一边（2021）

用你的腿发力抬
Lift with your legs.
应该是全身发力
Lift at all.
我就是全身在发力,拜托
I am. Come on.
我们必须全神贯注,因为现在还不是囊中之物
We got to focus.This thing isn't yours yet.
据说他们这周要定候选人
They're picking the candidate this week.
所以第一步...我们必须把你的名声传出去
So step one... we got to get your name out there.
哦，那个扩音器还在我这儿呢
Hmm.Oh, I still got that bullhorn.
记不记得我们在那个素食烧烤店开业时候
Remember when we protested the grand opening
举♥行♥的抗♥议♥活动? 呕!
of that new vegan barbecue place? Ugh!
不行,我们要全面进入“广♥告♥狂人”模式
No, we're gonna go full "Mad Men" on this.
不仅要想出一个绝佳的电视广♥告♥来竞选
We're gonna come up with an incredible TV ad campaign
还要大白天喝酒
and day drink.
我们有两天时间呢
We have two days.
你意思是像正经广♥告♥那样?
You mean like an adad?
是啊 - 整点牛x的东东?
Yes. - Something awesome?
就像我自己专属的...
Like my very own...
美宝莲广♥告♥
♪ Maybe it's Maybelline ♪
但是更硬派一点?
But tougher?
当然不是！
No!
当然是啦,我是凯文麦克罗伯特
Hell yes. I'm Kevin McRoberts,
我批准这条信息
and I approve that message!
瘦多了吧?
Thin much?
好了
Okay.
什么好了
Okay what?
我们要做什么...
What are we gonna...
我们该怎么处理现在这状况？
How we gonna deal with this?
他这样怎么上厕所？
How's he gonna go to the bathroom?
我现在也不知道呢
I don't know yet.
他什么都知道了
He knows. Everything.
不,他不是什么都知道
No, he doesn't know everything.
但尼克还活着呢
And Nick is alive.
当整件事就只有我们俩人时
This whole thing, when it was just the two of us,
我-我也说不上来
I-I don't know.
反正一切都显得很正当，有理有据
It seemed reasonable,justifiable.
但其实并不是
But it wasn't, and it's not.
他全知道了,艾莉森.现在他一边被绑着一边流血
He knows, Allison,and now he's tied up
这全是拜我们所赐
and bleeding,and we did that, too.
好了好了
Okay. Okay.
我知道,这看上去很糟
Look, this is bad.
事实确实如此
It is.
但至少给我们争取了点时间
But at least we bought ourselves some time.
嘿?我们会搞定的
Hey? We'll figure it out.
我只是...
I just...
需要多一点时间
need some more time.
天呐
Oh, God.
现在几点了?
What time is it?
我也不知道
I have no idea.
分不清是过了20分钟还是过了8小时
Can't tell if it's been 20 minutes or 8 hours.
天呐
Oh, God.
不好,凯文现在肯定起床了
Oh, no,Kevin must be up by now.
你在干什么
What are you doing?
我去跑了个步
I went for a run.
我假装起早了然后去跑了个步
I got up early, and I went for a run.
你留我自己在这儿...
You're leaving me here to deal...
不不不不,我马上就回来,好吗？
No, no, no, no. I'll be right back, okay?
我保证
I promise.
最后一幕,你要亲吻一个婴儿
Finally, you kiss a baby
然后甩了这个婴儿转向镜头
you dump the baby, turn to camera,
说你批准这条信息
say you approve this message
因为你的名字是凯文麦克罗伯特
because your name is Kevin McRoberts.
我也不知道了,老爸
I don't know, Dad.
你不知道什么?这可是你的名字啊,儿子
What don't you know? Well, that's your name, son.
我知道,但是这广♥告♥...一点都不排场
I know, but this ad has... Has no pomp,
一点都不新奇
It has no whimsy.
还有这些画都是你画的吧?
A-And you did all these drawings?
老爸,它们简直糟透了
Yeah. Dad, they're terrible.
听着,这个城市必须相信你是一个严肃的候选人
Look, this town has to believe you're a serious candidate.
严肃的候选人?
Serious candidate?
老爸,我身上唯一严肃的事情就是我的心脏病
Dad, the only thing serious about me is my heart condition.
我去跑步了
I went for a run.
跑了多少英里
How many miles?
2英里
Two.
不过我很高兴你回来了
But, hey, I'm glad that you're here,
因为你可以听听我为竞选
because now you can hear the new jingle
写的新歌♥
that I wrote for the campaign.
凯... - 别了
Ke... - No.
小凯,我们必须把这事做好
Kev, we got to get this right.
实话,还有两天
It's true. In two days,
市长就要亲手选出下一任候选人了
the mayor is hand-picking the next candidate.
如果他的特殊癖好真如传闻所言
And if the rumors of his fetish are true,
他也会凭脚选出
he's also feet-picking.
你...你真的要考虑竞选公职吗?
You're... You're being seriously considered for public office?
当然!我要像...
Absolutely! I'm gonna be like...
像个网红一样,不过是在政♥治♥领域
Like an influencer, but for politicking.
你怎么称呼这样的人
What do you call that?
政客
Politician.
所以这次竞选...
Oh.And... And so this election, it's...
当然要留着了,宝贝
Here to stay, baby!
就像我屁♥股♥上那颗一直不忍♥去掉的痦子
Like that mole on my hip that I refuse to get looked at.
我给它取了个昵称叫尼尔
I nicknamed it Neil.
说起来,尼尔去哪儿了?
Speaking of, where is Neil, anyway?
Neil? Neil... Neil?Neil? Neil? Uh...
尼尔?尼尔...尼尔尼尔尼尔？呃...
难道他不在吗？
Has he not been around?
我只是以为世界变得更安静了
I just assumed the world got quieter.
虽然是一段艰难的旅程
It is a rough ride clinging to coattails,
但作为我最好的朋友，他的工作就是坚持
but that is his job as my best friend to hang on.
也许我应该掐他的奶♥子♥
Maybe I need to go remind him of that
来提醒提醒他
in the form of a purple nurple.
噢,还是别了,因为
Oh, no, no, because, you know,
帕蒂说他食物中毒了
Patty said that he got food poisoning.
我猜就是因为他那个天天用完不洗的盘子
I guess he has that one plate that he uses over and over.
是了,蓝色的那个
Ah, yep, the blue one.
儿子,他只会让你分心好吗
Son, he's a distraction,alright?
我们必须集中精力
We've got to get focused.
必须认真起来.你必须买♥♥厚一点的鞋子
Got to get serious. You got to get thick shoes
才不会被钉子扎脚
that won't be punctured by stray needles.
这个广♥告♥还有许多东西等我们去那片空地拍摄呢
We're going to the vacant lot to shoot this political ad!
老天,尼尔一定会非常失望的
Aw, man,Neil is gonna be bummed.
他爱惨那个地方了
He loves that place.
我以前从来没伤害过他
I've never hurt him before.
嘿,我得提醒你看看他之前干的好事
Hey, if you need a reminder of what he did...
天呐
Jesus.
你等于救了我的命
You were basically saving my life.
天呐
Oh, God.
不行,我们必须带他去看医生
Okay, we have to get him to a doctor.
什么?
What, what? What?
那可能很糟.我不知道该怎么办
That might be really bad. I have no idea.
不.嘿嘿
No. Hey. Hey.
他清醒着呢,他警觉着呢
He's awake. He's alert.
看多了“急诊室故事”不代表你就成了医生
Watching all of "ER"does not make you a doctor.
我也不想这样好吗
I don't like this situation either, okay?
但我们在确保他安静之前不能放他出去
But we can't let him out until we know he'll be quiet.
那我们怎么能保证他安静
And how are we gonna do that?
我也不知道
I don't know.I don't...
敲诈?我真不知...我们会想出办法的好吗?
Blackmail? I don't...We'll figure it out, okay?
不行
No, no.
我们现在必须做点什么
We have to do something now.
跟他讲讲道理
Reason with him.
跟尼尔?讲道理？
Reason? With Neil?
是啊.他又不完全是个蠢货
Yeah.He's not a complete idiot.