麻烦满屋（2016）

Crowded S01E01

Part 1 June 4, 2021, 9:16 a.m.

自你孩子出生的那一刻起
From the moment your kids are born,
你便惧怕他们终有一日将会离开你
you dread the fact that one day they'll leave you.
之后他们离开了
And then they do.
和你想象得一样糟糕
And it's just as bad as you thought it'd be.
记住孩子你最特别了
I just want you to remember that you're special.
你永远是我的乖女儿
And you'll always be my little girl.
避孕措施有两种
Two forms of birth control.
男人们就像篮球运动员
And men, are like basketball players,
－先运球再投篮［双关先流前列腺液再射♥精♥］－马丁娜
- they dribble before they shoot. - Martina!
这就是现实麦克
It's reality, Mike.
这就是我们的结局
That's how we ended up with this one.
再见伙计们我会想你们的
Bye, guys. I'll miss you.
哦我也会想你们的
Oh, I'll miss you too.
－再见爸爸－爱你宝贝
- Bye, Dad. - Love you, kid.
爱你
Love you.
好吧至少现在我们知道离别是怎样了
Well, at least now we know what it's like.
下一次会更轻松吧
The next one will be easier.
你在看什么
What are you looking at?
现在就我们了就我们了
It's just us now, we're alone!
哇
Wow.
空巢
The empty nest.
我们要死在这所房♥子里面了
We're gonna die in this house.
我要喝酒
I need alcohol.
才早上十点
It is only 10 A.M.
好吧换个角度我们不再需要载人了
Well, on the other hand, we don't have to drive anybody anywhere.
或者煮晚餐
Or cook anyone dinner,
或者做一个超好的榜样
or set a good freakin' example.
嘿我们不要再硬说超级了［Freakin’是fucking的礼貌版本］
Hey, we don't have to say "Freakin'" Anymore!
我们可以想骂就骂
We can swear when we want.
想喝就喝
Drink when we want.
想干就干
Have sex when we want.
想干就干
Have sex when we want.
我有要说两遍的原因
There's a reason I said that twice.
这很好
This could be good.
这真的很好
This could be really good.
终于可以处理掉游戏室了
Finally getting rid of the playroom.
改建成影音室吧
Turn it into a media room.
巨♥屌♥♥的等离子电视
Big-ass plasma,
添上老式爆米花机
we'll have an old-timey pop-corn machine,
这种带着杯托的大椅子
one of those big chairs with the cup-holders.
我就像个好莱坞烂人
I'll be just like a Hollywood douchebag.
嘿
Hey.
－我有个新的点子－什么
- I got a new Would You Rather. - Oh yeah?
听着
Ok.
你愿意
Would you rather...
和死后十分钟的凯特阿普顿［92年出生的模特儿拥有33D的曼妙身材］上♥床♥还是
have sex with Kate Upton ten minutes after she's dead, or,
和一个活着的
have sex with a live
九十岁老人上♥床♥
90-year-old.
我再也没有比这一刻更爱你了
I've never loved you more than I do at this moment.
太变♥态♥了
So sick,
但火候掌握得刚刚好
yet, so perfectly balanced.
谢谢赞赏
Thank you.
凯特阿普顿
Kate Upton.
是一个完美的
This is the perfect way
来庆祝我们最后一次检查作业的好方式
to celebrate writing our last tuition check,
你♥爸♥爸和继母终于搬去佛罗里达了
and your dad and stepmother finally moving to Florida.
最后一块通向自♥由♥的拼图
The last piece to the freedom puzzle.
看看我找到了什么
Look what I found!
那是大♥麻♥啊我们的孩子磕药吗
That's pot! Our kids were doing drugs?
麦克
Mike?
－马丁娜－你♥爸♥妈
- Martina? - It's your parents!
快把大♥麻♥藏起来
Hide the pot!
哇
Wow.
我有种返老还童的感觉
I just felt so young.
－鲍勃－什么
- Bob? - What?
－他们在游戏室里面－什么
- They're in the playroom! - What?
游戏室
The playroom!
他们没事的
They're fine.
爱丽丝重申一次我们给你
Alice, again, the key that
和爸爸的钥匙是紧急专用的
we made for you and Dad was for emergencies.
我们敲了门你没有回应
We knocked on the door, and you didn't answer.
这可以是紧急情况
It could have been an emergency.
为什么你们不按铃
Why didn't you just ring the bell?
按铃
Ring the bell?
哦孩子别这样我们是一家人
Oh, child, please, we're family.
家人才不按铃呢
Family doesn't ring the bell.
哦嘿爸爸
Oh, hey, Pop.
哦好吧你终于肯清理房♥间呢
Oh, good, you're finally cleaning this room.
你还小的时候还没有这些玩具
You didn't have all these toys when you were a kid.
我知道
I know.
你太溺爱这些女孩了
You spoiled those girls.
你知道的麦克还小的时候
You know, when Mike was young,
我教他如何按军队的规矩折床单
I taught him how to do military sheet corners.
直到我可以让硬币在紧绷的床单上弹起
He couldn't go out to play until I could bounce
他才可以出去玩
a coin off his tightly made bed.
我看到营房♥的时候还是会小小紧张下
I still get a little tense when I see a quarter.
我们试着帮助斯特拉和谢伊
We tried to help with Stella and Shea.
没错
Yes, you were here all the time.
好吧我们正要去商店
Well, we're headed to the store.
我们会给你带些甜甜圈回来
We'll bring you back some donuts.
爱丽丝我们不吃甜甜圈
Alice, we don't eat donuts.
你知道的我不吃带麸质的
And you know I'm gluten-free.
哦简直胡闹
Oh, that nonsense.
这就是你为什么这么瘦
That's why you're so skinny.
我不觉得我太瘦了
I don't think I'm too skinny.
你当局者迷
You can't see your own skinny.
就像闻自己的呼吸一样
It's like smelling your own breath.
要旁观者告诉你坏了事
You need someone else to tell you that it's bad.
麦克我帮你带些清新口气的薄荷糖
Mike, I'll pick you up some breath mints.
你什么时候才会戒掉他们
When are you gonna stand up to them?
好吧我总是说过一阵
Well, I've always said "Soon".
但是现在他们搬出去了
But now that they're moving,
我可以说出真心话了
I can give the truthful answer:
从不
never.
所以我们要怎么处理它
So what are we gonna do with this?
如果霍顿与无名氏［苏斯博士小说 2008年曾被改编为动画片］是真的话呢
What if "Horton Hears a Who!" Is real?
蒂普
Deep.
你知道老了抽大♥麻♥有什么好处吗
You know what's great about smoking pot when you're older?
你不会得妄想症
You don't get paranoid.
警♥察♥来了
It's the cops!
哦感谢老天你在家
Oh, thank God, you're home!
－斯特拉－做好准备
- Stella? - Brace yourselves.
我和贾斯汀分手了
I left Justin.
我曾想他是我的灵魂伴侣
I thought he was my soulmate, and now,
我们甚至讨厌同一个卡戴珊
we don't even hate the same Kardashians.
我们大吵了一架他在我对我而言已经死去了
We had this big fight, and he's dead to me.
所有人都觉得他死了吗你杀了他吗
Is he dead to everyone, did you kill him?
回答你的父亲
Answer your father!
你们出了什么问题
What is wrong with you guys?
没问题我可以吃披萨继续吧
Nothing. I could really use a pizza, but go on.
好吧
Ok.
那么我在这儿因为我没拿到表演的工作
Well, I'm here because I'm not getting any acting jobs,
我的油管视频没有足够的点击量
and my YouTube videos don't get enough hits.
有些评论太贱了
And some of those comments, are so mean.
这个家伙写了
This one guy wrote,
你浪费了造人的肌肤倒胃口的热腾腾的一坨屎
"You're a waste of human skin, you hot-skank mess."
我想说但说火♥辣♥的话很棒
I mean the "Hot" Was sweet.
但剩下的
But the rest...
成为大人好难
being an adult is hard.
加上我想你们了所以
Plus I miss you guys, so...