差不多得了（2020）

抱歉 我以为"亚历克斯"是位女性
Sorry. I assumed "Alex" was a woman.
性♥爱♥场面的描述太温柔 太女性化
The description of love-making was so tender and feminine.
但你说过你喜欢这本书
But you said you loved the book.
是这样的 男性写的
Here's The Deal: there's no market
色情小说没有市场
for an erotic novel written by a man.
更别说是个长得像未完成变身的
Let alone one who looks like a werewolf
狼人一般的男人
that didn't finish transforming.
我们的女性读者希望色情小说
Our female audience wants erotica from someone
由让她们感到安全的人所写
who makes them feel safe.
比如 E·L·詹姆斯 J·Q·昆特尔
An E.L. James, a J.Q. Guintel,
E·L·詹姆斯 《五十度灰》系列作者
名字必须是两个首字母缩写
anyone, anyone with two initials
且不会让她们立刻吐出来的人
who doesn't immediately make them vomit.
这样你才能进入奥斐拉的书友会
That's how you get on Ophira's Book Club.
等等 我们把你的脸印在书上怎么样
Wait a second! What if we put your face on the book.
但书不是我写的
But I didn't write this book.
但你鼓励了我 想想吧
But you encouraged me. Think about it.
你可以去高级文学聚会
You could go to fancy literary parties.
你可以见到奥斐拉
You could meet Ophira!
现在
Oh, now!
冲这句"你可以见到奥斐拉"我就会帮你
You had me at "you could meet Ophira."
很好 我们可以称你为
Perfect. We can call you--
A P 拉珀尔
A...P...LaPearle!
等等 由一位叫A·P·拉珀尔的
Stop. A novel of hot Viking erotica
年长的黑人女性所写的维京色情小说吗
by an older black lady named A.P. LaPearle?
这个我一定可以大卖♥♥
Now that I could sell.
《硬盔》
The "Rigid Helmet..."
第四章
chapter four.
"穿越冰冻高地的旅程
"The journey across the frozen highlands
非常危险"
had been treacherous..."
没有火 恐怕我们都会冻僵的
With no fire, I fear we shall freeze.
我们唯一需要的火 就是我们的欲♥火♥
The only fire we need -- is the fire in our loins.
天啊 我们都知道这是什么意思
Oh my! We know what that means!
"沙维利亚引导罗斯加来到她灼热的余烬
"Saveria guided Rothgar to her glowing embers.
快了 快到了 直到她的身体在狂喜中颤抖
Closer, closer, 'til her body quaked in ecstasy
她尖叫着"
and she screamed --"
"英灵殿"
"Valhallaaaaaaa!"
她们好爱你
They loved you!
拜托
Oh, please.
你是书 我只是书皮
You're the book, I'm just the jacket.
你简直让那群人怀孕了
You practically got that crowd pregnant!
亚历克斯 你这头种猪 赶快去写
Alex, you sex pig, start typing.
我想要五本这样恶心又优美的书
I want five more of these disgusting, beautiful books.
然后让你参加巡回售书活动
And I want you on a book tour.
但我不能撇下亚历克斯
But I can't go without Alex.
行 亚历克斯可以作为你的"助理" 随便
Sure, Alex can be your "assistant." Whatever.
A·P·拉珀尔将成为下一个畅销书作者
A.P. LaPearle is about to become the Stephen King of books.
史蒂芬·金 美国畅销恐怖小说作者
奥德赛书店
《硬盔》第三卷
跳动的长矛
第一章
罗斯加的武器状态极佳
武器由瓦尔基里安钢锻造而成 他每日用异国神油擦拭
免费无线网络
乔出版集团
纽♥约♥时♥报♥最畅销书籍名单
《硬盔》
A·P·拉珀尔
沃勒乐书店
新书及二手书
今晚 A·P·拉珀尔
只有站的地方
下次读书会 我围一条还是两条围巾
For the next reading, should I do one scarf or two?
天啊
Oh, my goodness.
谢谢你们大家
Thank you. Everybody!
是布蕾妮寄来的 "好消息 变♥态♥们
It's from Brienne! "Great news, perverts!
奥斐拉读了《硬盔》 特别喜欢
Ophira read "The Rigid Helmet" and slid off her chair!
读书俱乐部有望啊 你们这些怪胎"
We're talking book club, you freaks!"
我要发达了
It's happening for me!
严格来说 是我要发达了
Technically, it's happening for me.
当然 我们需要那本书
Sure, sure. We need that book.
你继续敲字 这个我来搞定
You keep typing. I'll care of this.
是华盛顿州寄来的
It's from Washington State.
老实说 我才思如泉涌
Honestly, the pages just come to me.
感觉都不像在工作
It doesn't even feel like work.
我就喜欢她这么谦虚
I love how humble she is.
告诉他们吧 还是我来说吧
Tell them! You know what, I'm gonna tell them --
她明天就要去奥斐拉书友会
She's going to be on Ophira tomorrow!
读她的新作品了
Reading from her new work.
要是能去奥斐拉 我愿意放弃我继子耶鲁的入学资格
Oh, I'd give up my stepson's Yale admission to get on Ophira.
我继子被耶鲁录取了
My stepson got into Yale.
新书是讲什么的
What's the new book about?
这本书讲的是肉♥欲♥与神性的永恒分♥裂♥
This one's about the eternal schism between the carnal and the divine,
为了反对六世纪的朱特征服
set against the Jute conquest of the sixth century.
A·P 这个狼人是谁
A.P., who is this werewolf
他为什么回答你下一本书的问题
and why is he answering questions about your next book?
不能让他们知道这本书是他写的
They can not know he wrote this book!
因为他是我爱管闲事的助理
Because he's my nosy assistant.
继续协助 助理
Carry on assisting, assistant.
编剧们在讨论呢
The writers are talking.
给我拿杯石榴酒
And get me a pomegranate La Croix!
把裤子提起来
And pull your pants up!
今天我们请到了A·P·拉珀尔
Today we've got A.P. LaPearle!
她要读她的新书
She's going to read from her new book,
《悸动的矛》
"The Throbbing Speeeeear!"
你的助理呢
Hey, where the hell is your assistant?
我觉得我昨晚可能太过分了
I think I may have gone too far last night.
终于啊 她要上台了
Finally! She's about to go on.
把新章节给她
Give her the new pages.
不 我要读
No. I'm gonna read them.
想得美 伙计
Oh, the frig you are, buddy!
所有的活都是我♥干♥的
I'm doing all of the work,
是时候让我得到认可了
it's time I got some of the recognition.
亚历克斯 怎么回事
Alex, what's the matter?
你是书 我是书皮 记得吗
You're the book and I'm the jacket, remember?
以后不是了
Not anymore.
要么让我读 要么我就走了
Either I read these pages, or the pages and I walk.
-好吧 再见 -等等
- Okay, bye. - Uh, wait, I di--
你以为我没有后备计划吗
You don't think I have a backup plan?
妓院设计了一个人工智能来分♥析♥你的小说
Harlot House designed an A.I. that analyzed your novel
以及维♥基♥百♥科♥上关于维京人的每一页
and every Wikipedia page about Vikings,
创造了一个绝对炸裂的续集
and it generated a sequel that is absolutely thigh-quaking.
闪光阴♥茎♥的比喻
AP·拉珀尔著
你被解雇了
And you are fired.
谁想来点维京浪漫
Who's ready for some Viking roooomaaance?
请热烈欢迎我的新朋友
Please give a warm welcome to my new best friend,
A·P·拉珀尔
A.P. LaaaPeeeearle!
妈 你在哪
Come on, Ma, where are you?
不好吧 没有亚历克斯总感觉不对劲
I don't know, this doesn't feel right without Alex.
珀尔 你的偶像奥斐拉就在外面
Pearle, your idol Ophira is out there,
等着和你说话呢
waiting to talk to you.
你是A·P·拉珀尔的幕后黑手
You're the magic behind A.P. LaPearle,
不是亚历克斯·邓克伯格
not Alex Dunkleberg.
是多潘伯格
It's Dorpenberger.
有人想激♥情♥起来吗
Who wants to get hooooorny?
《悸动的矛》 第一章
"The Throbbing Spear," chapter one.
罗斯加和沙维利亚靠在船桅上
"Rothgar and Saveria leaned against the mast of their ship..."
我以为我再也感受不到你的长剑了
I was afraid I'd never feel your longsword again.
什么海也无法将我们分开
There is no sea that can keep us apart.
因为我们维京人是航海民族
For we Vikings are a seafaring people who during the 8th
在8到11世纪探索了欧洲的广阔地区
to 11th century explored wide areas of Europe
向西航行至纽芬兰
and sailed as far West as Newfoundland.
"我的神啊" 罗斯加轻声说
"'Oh my God,' Rothgar whispered,
这里指的是奥丁 北欧神
referring to Odin, the Norse God.
然后他4.92毫升的种子流出来
Then 4.92 milliliters of his seed flowed,
沙维利亚尽情地品尝 就像在品尝维京特色菜
and Saveria savored it like a typical Viking meal of meat
-皂石锅炖肉菜一样 -不
- and vegetables stewed in a soapstone pot." - No!
这不是A·P·拉珀尔的原话