差不多得了（2020）

How could I be upset about a dead guy
有什么好生气的呢
who's chained to a couch and can never leave?!
这就是你想要的吗
Is zat what you wish?
你想让我离开你吗
You wish I could, uh, ghost you?
拜托 你太可笑了
Please! You're being ridiculous!
我为什么会想让男生离开我
Why would I want a guy... to ghost...me?
我在想 我能在你家
Hey, I was thinking, maybe I could leave
放一只牙刷吗
a toothbrush at your place?
恶心 送我去快餐店 别丢人了
Yuck. Take me to Wetzel's and don't embarrass me.
我买♥♥了把牙刷 想着放在你家
I bought a toothbrush to leave at your place.
布里奇特 我有个东西想放在你家
Bridgette, I have something I want to keep at your place.
什么 为什么
What -- What are y--
布里奇特 我爱你
Bridgette, I love you!
该死 我才是那个混♥蛋♥
Oh, shit. I'm the dick.
我对于我的行为感到很抱歉
So, I'm sorry for how I behaved.
你知道女人习惯不反抗男人吗
You know how women are conditioned to be non-confrontational with guys
这样他们就不会被谋杀 或者被锁在地下室了
so they don't get murdered or locked in a basement?
当然
Oui, of course.
我意识到这就是为什么
I've realized that's why I sabotage relationships
我想结束关系时 我就会犯浑
when I just want them to be over.
而不是简单的分手
Instead of just breaking things off,
我在强迫男人离我而去
I force guys to ghost me.
所以 你想和我分手吗
So, you want to break things off avec moi?
你是一个非常非常棒的鬼混
You are a really, really great ghost.
如果我准备好了 或者你还活着
And if I was ready, or if you were alive,
也许会有所不同
maybe this would be different.
-我明白 -是吗
- I understand. - You do?
你不想在快车后座上
Are you sure you don't want to yell at me
对我大喊大叫吗
in the back of an Uber or something?
不 不 不 我不会不尊重女人的
No, no, no. I am done disrespecting women.
我还活着的时候是一个无赖 一个骗子
When I was among ze living, I was a cad, a cheat.
我伤害了我所爱的每一个女人 还因此而死
I hurt every woman I ever loved, and it killed me.
伤害别人 伤害别人
Hurt people...hurt people.
我不想伤害你
I don't want to hurt you.
我也不想伤害你
Nor I you.
我希望你快乐
I want you to be happy.
这次分手也太和谐了
I can't believe how mature this breakup is.
天哪
Mon dieu!
发生什么事了
What's happening?
我的未竟事业
My unfinished business!
我必须要和平分手
I must have needed to have a healthy breakup!
或者通过赤膊上阵的男人来和女人做♥爱♥
Or to make love to a woman by possessing a shirtless man's body.
不管怎样 再见 药剂师的女儿 布里奇特
Either way, farewell, sweet Bridgette of House Pharmacist!
再见 亨利
Goodbye, Henri!
谢谢你在我和你分手的时候 没有抓狂
Thanks for not freaking out when I broke up with you!
不 是我提出分手的
No, I broke up with you!
是我提出来的
I broke up with him.
沙发 不 不
Couch? No! No!
不 天啊
No! Oh, God...
我还没坐过你呢
I never got to sit on you...
好莱坞银行
下一位顾客
Next customer, please.
马上就要开通你的第一个储蓄账户了 激动吗
You excited to open your very first savings account?
当然了 硬币钱包是给孩子用的
Yeah! Coin purses are for kids.
我该怎么办 我该怎么办
What do I do? What do I do?
快跑
Run!
乔什
Josh?
在好莱坞第一银行
Here at First Bank of Hollywood,
我们的利息特别棒
our interest rates are out-of-this-world!
低利息
看来好莱坞银行的质量
Guess you, uh, would expect high-production values
还是很高的 是吧
from Bank of Hollywood, huh?
你知道我们有什么没想到吗
You know what we didn't expect?
你抛弃了家人
For you to bail on your family!
地球人 免费的硬币钱包
Hey, Earthling. Here's a free coin purse.
好莱坞银行
家庭第一
我们的离婚贷款利率也很低
We also have super-low interest rates on our divorce loans.
这是我的名片
Here's my card.
我当然想成为一个
Of course I want to be the kind of guy
会保护家人的人
who'll protect his family if shit goes down.
-你想成为约翰·麦克莱恩 -没错
- You wanna be John McClane. - Exactly.
但是一到"战斗或逃跑"的情况
But when it comes to "fight or flight,"
我的身体总是选择逃跑
my body just always picks flight.
所以 更像约翰·麦克垃圾
So... More of a John McLame?
-谐音梗 -得分
- Nailed it. - Haha, points!
你闭嘴 兰迪
You hush up, Randy!
不是每个人都天生勇敢
Not everyone's born brave.
靠 在警♥察♥学院
Shoot, at the police academy,
新来的人都紧张得要命
we'd have recruits come in all jumpy as hell,
害怕自己的啄鸟
scared of their own peckers.
我们管手♥枪♥叫"啄鸟"
Oh, we called handguns "peckers."
我们管阴♥茎♥叫"猎枪"
Penises we called "shotguns,"
我们管猎枪叫"长龙"
and shotguns we called "long dongs."
总之 经过我的训练
Anyway, with my training
他们变成了优秀的洛杉矶警♥察♥
I'd built 'em up into tough-ass L.A. cops.
等等 珀尔 你能帮帮我吗
Wait, Pearle, could you do that for me?
训练我在家人有危险的时候变得勇敢一点
Train me to be brave when my family's in danger?
珀尔
Pearle?
已经开始了
We've already begun.
五分钟后
我靠 这也太棒了吧
Oh, man. This is gonna be so sweet.
不
Oh, nooo!
-兰迪 -汪 汪
- Randy? - Woof, woof!
有恐惧的味道
Tastes like fear!
第一课 危险会从四面八方向你袭来
Lesson Number One: Danger's gonna come at you from every direction.
亚历克斯用鸡蛋做了一个坎迪斯的复♥制♥品
Now, Alex made a scale replica of Candice out of eggs
你必须时刻保护它
that you have to protect at all times.
爸 救我
Daddy! Help me!
我还做了一个艾米丽
I made an Emily, too.
这鸡蛋也太多了
That's so many eggs.
你的胆小鬼特质会让你逃跑
Your coward gut is gonna tell you to run,
所以你必须听从你的大脑 然后战斗
so you've gotta listen to your brain and fight!
你的长龙受不了了
Your dong's telling you "owww!"
你的环境就是你的武器
Your environment is your weapon!
如果他们看不到你 就抓不到你
They can't get you if they can't see you.
栅栏漆
但千万别在脸上刷栅栏漆
But don't ever apply fence varnish to your face.
最后 当你预料到危险时
And finally, when you expect danger,
危险就离你而去了
danger can't expect you!
现在你的长龙受不了了
Now your dong's telling you ow.
太好了
Yes!
我很勇敢
I'm brave!
慢着 稀柴油
Simmer down, Thin Diesel.
后院的东西只是训练的第一阶段
This backyard stuff was just phase one of the training.
第二阶段会在你最不经意的时候
Phase two's gonna come at you in the real world
出现在现实世界中
when you least expect it.
到时候能让你裂开
And boy is it gonna blow... your...mind.
来吧
Bring it on.
食品公♥司♥
圣诞快乐
*第四季度利润同比增长13% 为大厅增色不少*
*Deck the halls with Q4 profits Up 13% year after year*
伙计们 食品公♥司♥今年真不容易
Hey folks, it's been a heckuva year for Food Corps!
但明年我们会更好 因为我们推出了
But next year'll be even better when we unveil...
烧烤黄瓜
the Barbecue-Cumber!
食品公♥司♥
演讲
我们拿一头猪和一根黄瓜 把它们合在一起
We took a pig and a cucumber and combined them.
烧烤黄瓜
The Barbecue-Cumber.
酷
Cool.
像黄瓜一样火热
Hot as a cucumber.
吃起来像猪肉的黄瓜
I mean a cucumber that tastes like pulled pork?
摇钱树
Ka-ching!
我的朋友们 这样你就可以解除
And that, my friends, is how you disarm
一个拿西班牙油条的人的武器了
somebody who's holding a churro.
太棒了 乔什