后半生

因为这世界太美好了
Because it's so good.
不可能是巧合 不是吗
It can't just be chance, can it?
怎么 宇宙大爆♥炸♥理论吗
What, the Big Bang?
一切都是从无到有 慢慢衍化的吗 那不可能
Everything came from nothing? That's impossible.
你说得对 都是上帝的功劳
You're right. God did it.
没错
Right.
那上帝又是从何而来呢
So, where did God come from?
他一直都存在啊
He's always been around.
瞧 自相矛盾了吧 很容易证明
There you go. Easy, innit?
你从任何事中都能找到乐趣
You always found so much joy in everything,
哪怕是各种小事
all the little things.
跟狗狗一起坐在沙发上
Sitting on the sofa with the dog.
脸上的表情仿佛在说
With that look on your face, like,
"我跟狗狗一起坐在沙发上 我好爱这种感觉"
"I'm just sat on the sofa with the dog. I'm loving it."
替我亲一下狗狗
Give the dog a kiss from me,
带它去海滩玩玩 它喜欢那里
and take her to the beach. She loves it there.
你们都喜欢
You both do.
你想去海滩吗
Do you wanna go to the beach?
那走吧
Come on, then.
走吧 乖宝宝
Come on. Good girl.
天呐 你为什么要那样
Oh, my God! What did you do that for?
你看上去好像很热
You looked hot!
我睡着了 现在浑身都湿透了
I was asleep. I'm soaked.
看啊 你把狗都吓到了
Look, you've freaked the dog out.
你真讨厌
Oh, you're such a twat.
我不如去海里泡一泡算了
Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.
来啊 跟我一起下水玩玩 来啊
Come on! You come in the sea with me! You come in.
-不要 -快到海里来啊 托尼 快来
- No. - You come in. Tony, come in!
-不要 -快来
- No. - Come on!
来啊
Come on!
快下来 托尼
Come in, Tony!
所以才叫运动袜啊
That's why they call them sports socks!
谢谢 你们真的是很配合的观众
Thank you. You're a wonderful crowd, you really are.
我很高兴你们是这么配合的观众
I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.
我身边这周发生了一件不幸的事
I've had some bad news this week, I have to say.
拜托 叹得比这再悲伤点嘛
Come on, sadder than that.
是因为...
Yeah, it was...
上周我一个朋友自杀了
A friend of mine actually committed suicide last week.
真的 他跑到楼上
Yeah, went upstairs,
把洗手间药柜里的东西全吞了
swallowed everything in the bathroom cabinet.
结果被一根卫生棉条噎到了
Choked on a tampon.
被一根卫生棉条噎到了
Choked on a tampon.
这边有个人 绝对超讨厌这个笑话
So you've got this guy, absolutely fucking hated that joke.
我跟你们说 他的表情跟我奶奶一样 不要啊
I tell ya, his face fell like my nan. Oh no!
高兴一点吧 老兄 可能永远高兴不起来
Fucking cheer up, mate. Might not ever happen.
来嘛 别一副"我永远也不可能笑"的表情
Come on. Instead of, like, "I'm not gonna laugh at this." Come on.
你叫什么名字 老兄
What's your name then, man?
你叫什么名字
What's your name?
-托尼 -托尼 瞧吧 说出来也没那么难
- Tony. - Tony. There we go. Not so hard.
你有什么故事 托尼
What's your story, Tony?
-我的故事吗 -是的
- What's my story? - Yeah.
坐在最前排 你有什么故事
Sitting here, front row. What's your story?
我妻子去世了
My wife died...
就在今年早些时候
earlier this year.
乳腺癌
Breast cancer.
那让我崩溃了
And it broke me.
我没有一天不想着
Not a day goes by when I don't...
自杀
think of killing myself.
我已经找不到活下去的意义了
I just don't see any point in living.
雨伞是很奇怪的东西 不是吗 你们有没有...
Umbrellas are weird, aren't they? Do you ever...
如果一把雨伞...
As if an umbrella...
是他非要问我的
He asked.
是啊
Yeah.
是真的 他问了我一个问题 我就实话实说了
He did. He asked me a question, so I told him the truth.
-实话对你来说很重要 -是的
- The truth's important to you. - Yeah.
那好 我也有句实话要跟你说 托尼
Okay, well here's the truth for you, Tony.
我厌倦了 兄弟
I'm tired, mate.
我厌倦了每天在工作的时候还要担心你
Okay, I'm tired of spending my working day worrying about you
担心你接下来要做什么
and about what you're gonna do next,
努力想出你不应该自杀的理由
and trying to come up with reasons you shouldn't kill yourself,
到处搜一些演出票 想让你高兴起来
and finding tickets for things to try and cheer you up.
好吗 尤其是周中的时候
Okay? Midweek, as well,
我本应该陪我妻子和儿子的
when I should be home with my wife and son,
处理我自己的问题
dealing with my own problems.
好吧 所以他可以拿自杀开玩笑
Right. So he's allowed to joke about suicide,
但我却不能...
but I'm not allowed to- -
那不是在说你 托尼
It wasn't about you, though, Tony.
那个笑话不是针对你说的
The joke wasn't about you.
那并没有真的发生 是他自己编的
It didn't happen. He made it up.
他的朋友并没有自杀
His friend didn't really commit suicide
显然更不会通过被卫生棉条噎住而死
by choking on a tampon, obviously.
-不 我明白 -他根本不知道你的情况
- No, I get that. - I mean, he doesn't know your situation.
他真不知道 如果他说
He doesn't. If he'd said,
"听着 各位 在座的有谁妻子死了
"Okay, hands up, anyone whose wife has died
并打算自杀的请举手"
and is thinking about killing themselves,"
你举手说"我就是"
you go, "Yeah, over here."
他说"好吧 兄弟 这有个专门针对你的笑话"
He's like, "Okay, mate, here's a joke for you."
好吧 或许我当时没心情
Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood.
好极了
Great.
他只是想逗大家笑而已
He was trying to make people laugh.
那也是我努力在做的
That's all I'm doing here, okay?
我在尽我所能 试图...
I'm just- - I'm doing my best trying...
哄你开心
to make you happy.
好吧
Okay.
再见
Well, cheers.
-好吗 -好的 明天见
- All right? - Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
明天见
See you tomorrow.
快看
Look...
奥黛丽·赫本
Audrey Hepburn.
漂亮吧
Doesn't she look beautiful?
布兰迪 你看上去好美啊
Brandy, you look so glamorous!
它简直太逗了
She's a laughing stock.
是它自己的主意
It was her idea.
-用了多少时间打扮的 -我觉得...
- How long did that take? - I'd say...
-10分钟 -好极了
- ten minutes. - Brilliant.
很满意了
Happy with that.
给你买♥♥了份小礼物
Bought you a little present.
用的是你从我这里偷的钱
With the money you stole from me?
-是的 -真贴心
- Yeah. - Thoughtful.
你确定你不想尝点这个吗
You... erm... sure you don't want a bit of this in it?
好的 来吧
Yeah, go on.
确定吗
Sure?
最糟糕能发生什么
What's the worst that can happen?
就 这个吧
Well... this.
听着 我对于...
Look, I'm sorry about the whole...
劫财的事很抱歉 真正的我不是那样的
robbing money thing. It's not really me.
是因为疾病的影响 是吗
It's the disease, right?
每个人都有借口
We've all got excuses.
我还是不敢相信我们两个会有共同点
I still can't believe we've got stuff in common.
都失去了自己的伴侣
Both lost our partners,
都试图麻痹痛苦
both trying to numb the pain,
都是废柴
both losers.
无意冒犯
No offense,
但我看着你 心里想的是
but I look at you, and I think,
"我♥操♥啊
"Fuck me.
我就跟他一样"
I'm like that."
不 你跟我不一样
No, you're not.
别再洗劫我了
Don't rob me!