后半生

那我为什么还要付钱给你
Why am I paying you, then?
真是个好问题
That's a good question.
然后呢
And?
你到底为何要花钱请我
Well, why are you paying me?
我还得搞清楚这一点吗
What, so I've got to know that... too?
托尼 我们是要询问并解答
Tony, we're here to ask and answer
关于你自身的一些艰难的问题
difficult questions about yourself.
或许你并不想知道答案
Now, maybe you don't wanna know the answer.
或许对你来说更轻松的解脱方式
Maybe the easy way out for you
就是认为根本就没有答案
is to think there isn't an answer.
当然是有答案的 但你似乎...
Well, there is an answer, but you seem...
接受你的不开心 反而让你更开心
happier to just accept your unhappiness.
不 我的确接受了我的不开心
No, I do accept my unhappiness.
我很清楚我为什么不开心
I know exactly why I'm unhappy,
我知道唯一可以让我不再不开心的东西
and I also know the only thing that would stop me being unhappy
是不存在的
is impossible.
我不明白的是
What I don't know is
我为什么要付钱给一个并不关心我的人
why I pay someone who doesn't care about me.
在你的生命中 有一些人是关心你的
There are people in your life who care about you,
但他们真的知道怎么去做对你有好处的事吗
but do they actually do what's good for you?
我觉得没有人知道什么才真正对我有好处
I don't think anyone knows what's good for me.
我觉得这个需要你去探寻 肯定是存在的
Well I think it's in there somewhere.
我只是不想再感到悲伤
I just wanna stop feeling sad.
那就这么去做
Do that, then.
不要再感到悲伤了
Just... stop feeling sad.
我会在现场记一些笔记
So, I make some notes at the time,
前提是我没无聊到睡着的话
if I can be bothered and stay awake.
我会记下要点 包括姓名 年龄
I get the gist of it. Their name and age,
住在哪条街 大家都喜欢看这些信息
what street they live in. People love that.
然后我会尽量...
And then I try and make...
把平淡无奇的事 写得有趣一点
the fucking banal seem mildly interesting.
比如这家伙 他家的水管漏了
Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,
墙纸上出现了水渍
and a stain appeared on his wallpaper
他说那水渍像肯尼斯·布莱纳
that he said looks like Kenneth Branagh.
-你知道那是谁吗 -不知道
- Do you know who that is? - No.
他是个老演员 导演
He's an old actor, director.
-你听说过艾玛·汤普森吗 -听过
- Have you heard of Emma Thompson? - Yeah.
他会很讨厌...
He'd hate that...
总之
Anyway,
那只是墙上的一块水渍而已
it was a stain on a wall.
你拍的那个照片还有没有...
Have you got the photos from the- -
有 说到照片
Oh, yeah. Talking of photos,
我这里有上次约会时的照片
I've got some pictures of the date I had
就是跟胖小子的妈约会那次
with the fat kid's mom the other- -
各位 都听好
Everyone, listen up.
公♥司♥组织了活动
Work's outing.
不要
No.
当然要
Yeah.
要去
Yes.
那有利于团队建设
It's gonna be good for team- building.
城里新开了一个喜剧俱乐部
There's a new comedy club in town,
刚开业 他们在找我们做广♥告♥
just opened. They're advertising with us,
我想着这可以展现热情 就给大家都买♥♥了票
so I thought, show willing, bought us all tickets.
我说了我可以弄到免费票的
I said I could have got 'em for free.
我知道 但艺术必须要支持嘛
Yeah, I know, but you've gotta support the arts.
他们很棒 都是不错的喜剧演员
It's good. All proper comedians.
还有个女人
There is a woman on.
是吗
Right?
我就说说 看你们介不介意
Well, I'm just saying. Just checking, you're all right.
很好 那...都去吧 会很好玩的
Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.
-不会 -托尼 肯定会的 试试吧
- It won't. - Tony, it will. Give it a chance.
说到好玩
Talking of fun,
-那天晚上的约会 我玩得很开心 -托尼
- I had a lot of fun on that date the other night- - Tony.
-那是谁 -本地怪人
- Who's that? - Local nutter.
总是想上报纸 是吧 布莱恩
Always trying to get in the paper, ain't you, Brian?
她是新来的
She's new.
没错
Yep.
-你身上臭死了 -别介意
- You stink. - Never mind that.
给你弄到一篇能登头版的精彩故事
Got something for your front cover,
-如果你有兴趣的话 -没兴趣
- if you're interested. - No.
皇后乐队主唱弗雷迪的牙齿
Freddie Mercury's tooth.
-你从哪儿搞到的 -公园里 秋千旁
- Where d'you get that? - Up the park, by the swings.
你凭什么觉得这就是弗雷迪·默丘里的牙齿
And what makes you think it's Freddie Mercury's ?
你看看这颗牙有多大
Look at the size of it, mate.
他好恶心
He's disgusting.
是吗 你何不往嘴里塞根鸡♥巴♥堵住 长舌妇
Huh? Why don't you stick a knob down your throat, blabbermouth.
你为什么非要上报纸 布莱恩
Why do you want to be in the paper, Brian?
因为我想让全世界看到我的才华和本事
'Cause I want to show the world what I've got, what I can do,
以及我的疾病
what diseases I've had.
-没人对你的疾病有兴趣 -没有吗
- No one's interested in your diseases. - Oh, aren't they?
-没有 -性剥削呢
- No. - Sexual exploits?
-没有 -没有吗
- No. - No?
我是一个换♥妻♥俱♥乐♥部♥的成员
I'm a member of a swingers' club.
你们知道坦伯里足球俱乐部的副经理吗
You know the assistant manager of Tambury FC?
我给他口♥交♥过
I've given him a blowjob.
把这个写进你们的体育版里
Stick that on your sports page.
我们不会的 对吧 我们可不会写进体育版
We're not, are we? We're not gonna put it on the sports page.
那不是弗雷迪·默丘里的牙齿
It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth.
我们不会写你的疾病...
We're not gonna put your diseases- -
我们这是本地报 报道的是老妇人 她们的肥猫
This is a local paper about old ladies, their big fat cat,
或某人在树上发现一顶帽子那种故事
or someone finding a hat in a tree.
我们可不会报道
We're not gonna go with,
"这是布莱恩·基滕斯 本地人 非常骄傲
"Oh, here's Brian Gittens, local man, done proud,
在足球比赛上给人吹♥箫♥" 好好想想
sucking off some fuckin' nonce at the football." Think!
你们有笑话版面吗
Have you got a jokes page?
-没有 -那你们可错过好东西了
- No. - Then you're missing a trick
因为我会自己写笑话 你想听一个吗
'cause I write my own jokes. D'you wanna hear one?
把一条残疾章鱼和我的前妻合在一起会成为什么
What do you get if you cross a disabled octopus with my ex-wife?
五条腿的淫♥妇♥
A five-legged slut.
布莱恩 不是每个人都能上报纸的
Brian, not everyone can get in the paper.
也不是每个人都用手指插过杰姬·柯林斯
Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins.
-你插过吗 -没有
- Have you? - No.
媒体什么时候在意过真伪
When's that bothered the press before?
我说得对吧
Am I right?
好极了 再见
Brilliant. Okay, cheers.
-好吧 -下次再见
- Okay. - See you again.
我有个专题推荐给你
I've got a good feature for you.
-不 你没有 -真无礼
- No, you haven't. - Rude.
-你还没听我说呢 -不必了
- You haven't even heard it yet. - No need.
-水晶 -我就说吧
- Crystals. - Told you.
它们的治愈力量
Their healing power.
纯粹鬼扯
They're bullshit.
-你的思想太封闭狭隘了 -并不是
- You're so narrow- minded. - No.
-你什么都不信 -不 我信
- You don't believe in anything. - Yes, I do.
你不是无神论者吗
Thought you were atheist.
那并不代表我什么都不信
Doesn't mean I don't believe in anything.
那只意味着我不信奉任何神灵而已
It means I don't believe in any god.
-你怎么能不信神 -哪个神
- How can you not believe in God? - Which one?
你什么意思
What do you mean?
比如 宙斯
Well... Zeus?
-谁 -希腊的神
- Who? - Greek god.
或者埃及神拉 或印度象头神
Or Ra, or Ganesh?
不 不是这些 是《圣经》中真正的那个神
No, not those ones, the real one in the Bible.
雅威
Yahweh.
就上帝啊
Just God!
你注意到你并不信
Well, you know how you don't
我刚刚提到的那些神了吗
believe in all those other gods I mentioned?
同样地 我也不信奉你的神
That's how I don't believe in yours.
你怎么能不信有人创造了这个世界呢
How can you not believe that someone created all this, though?
你为什么会相信是有人创造了这个世界
Why do you believe that someone created it all?