我把手指放在这里 猜猜怎么着
So I put my finger here, and check this...
这手表就能告诉我 我有心脏病
the watch tells me I have a heart problem.
照镜子不也能看出来吗
Wouldn't a mirror tell you the same thing?
但这个还能看天气预报呢
Yeah, but this has weather, too.
说的也是
Okay.
距离跟女士们共进晚餐还有一小时
We got an hour until we're meeting the ladies for dinner.
-是啊 -要去喝啤酒吗
- Yeah. - You wanna catch a beer?
不行 我还有点事要做
I can't. I gotta run a few errands.
什么 你竟然不想喝酒 到底什么事
What? You don't want a beer? What's wrong?
我
I...
收到那个警探考试的成绩了
got the results back from the detective exam.
又没过吗 所以我从来就没去考过
You failed again? This is why I never took that test.
那种焦虑和失望简直了
All the anxiety and disappointment.
突然有一刻 你就得认识到
At some point, you have to realize
这辈子就已经到头了 别再折腾了
you have hit your ceiling and just give up.
我说 你应该去学校做讲座
You know, you should go around and speak at schools.
你这理论很有启发性
That was very inspiring.
确实应该去 告诉小孩社会的残酷
I should. Kids need to hear this shit.
我就不懂了
I don't get it, man.
我每一题都会做 却因为压力发挥失常
I know all the answers, I just freeze under pressure.
我三个月内都不能再考了
You know, I can't take the exam for, like, three more months,
还得接着跟奥黛丽扯谎
so I gotta continue lying to Audrey.
在晚饭的时候 拜托你
So when we're at dinner tonight, please,
-告诉你老 -啊 那可不行
- tell your wi... - Ah! No.
拜托了哥们儿 为了你我随时可以扯谎
Come on, man. You know I'll lie for you anytime.
帮你毁尸灭迹都没问题
I will cover up dead bodies for you.
但是让我叫霍莉骗你老婆
But if I ask Holly to lie to your wife,
咱俩就没法出去鬼混了
there's no way we're messing around.
今天可是狂欢星期五呢
It's Freaky Friday!
你不用扯谎
You don't have to lie,
只要让她在我扯谎时别出声就好
just tell her to ignore when I'm lying.
这就行了
That's it.
-那好吧 -谢了
- Okay, fine. - Thank you.
这算你欠我的
You owe me.
晚上见
See you tonight.
奥黛丽
亲爱的 你能帮我
带点开瑞坦吗
开瑞坦 抗过敏药
去买♥♥氯雷他定 氯雷他定
I gotta get Claritin. Claritin.
天哪 快看
Oh, my God! Look!
他居然带她坐了直升机吗
He took her in a helicopter?
我老公连滴滴专车都不让我坐
My husband won't even pay for Uber Black.
我懂的 我都想不起来尼克上次浪漫
Yeah. I don't even... I can't even remember the last time
是什么时候了 哪怕是丁点浪漫小事呢
that Nick did anything even remotely romantic.
他以前会给我自♥制♥有爱的混音带
I mean, he used to leave me, like, cute little mixtapes,
在浴室里留求爱小纸条
little love notes in the bathroom.
求爱纸条早就过时啦
Love notes are dead.
我老公想做♥爱♥的时候
When my husband wants to have sex,
他就给我发一个茄子和甜甜圈表情的短♥信♥
he just texts me the eggplant and doughnut emoji.
茄子和甜甜圈
Eggplant and doughnut...
我懂了 茄子代表他
Oh. He's the eggplant.
其实只有手指头那么点粗
More like a fingerling potato.
找个上♥床♥的机会没那么麻烦
It really doesn't take that much.
那些在十字路口卖♥♥花的男人
There are guys at the intersection selling flowers.
只用打开窗户 买♥♥一束花 让他进门
You just roll down the window, grab a bunch, bring 'em home.
-就可以轻轻松松爽一次 -没错
- I mean, they couldn't make it any easier. - No kidding.
明天就是我们15周年结婚纪念日了
I mean, tomorrow is our 15th wedding anniversary.
结婚那天他说要带我去欧洲
I'm still waiting on that trip to Europe
到现在还没去成呢
he promised me on our wedding day.
很快就去
爱你的
尼克
-都15年了吗 -是啊
- That's been 15 years? - Yeah.
这么久 我走路去欧洲都到了
I could have walked to Europe by now.
你只是得亲口跟他提出来
You know, you just have to tell him.
我就是不想亲口要求 他该自己悟出来
I just don't want to have to tell him. I just want him to know.
-男人永远都悟不出来的 -我懂
- No, they never just know. - I know.
-不可能的 -所有事你都得提醒男人
- That doesn't happen. - You have to tell men everything.
碗不能堆在水槽里 得提醒他
If you want the dishes to not go in the sink, you have to tell them.
上♥床♥睡觉之前得洗澡
If you want him to shower before he comes to bed,
也还要请他
you have to ask him.
所以餐馆的厕所里都贴着指示牌
That's why they have those signs in bathrooms at restaurants
提醒员工记得洗手
to tell employees to wash their hands.
那可不是提醒女人的 都是给男人看的
Those aren't for women, guys. Those are for men.
或者也可以给他发短♥信♥表情
Or maybe you could just text him,
飞机啊 酒杯啊 意大利餐厅啊
airplane, wine glass, Italian flag,
还有茄子跟一堆的甜甜圈
eggplant, doughnut, doughnut, doughnut.
还是买♥♥50块的吧
Let's go with the 50.
氯雷他定
Claritin...
欢迎光临
Hi, welcome.
谢谢您
Thank you.
谢谢
Thanks a lot.
你要不要告诉老板你背包里塞的那些东西
Are you gonna tell 'em about the stuff in your backpack?
关你屁事 我买♥♥这个会付钱的
Mind your own business, man. I'm paying for this.
你的鞋不错 肯定很贵
I like your sneakers. They must be expensive.
你是为了省钱买♥♥鞋才偷功能饮料
Is that why can't afford the Monster Energy Drink
和超辣玉米片的吗
or the Flamin' Hot Cheetos?
-等一下 别走 -放开我老兄
- Hang on. Hang on. - Hey, let go of me, man.
我竟然猜对了
I can't believe I was right.
闭上你的嘴 否则我揍扁你 老头
Keep your mouth shut. I'll mess you up, old man.
你竟然叫我老头
Old man. Oh, my God.
首先
First of all,
光凭你叫我老头这一点我就能把你关起来
I should throw you in jail just for calling me "old man,"
如果你乖乖把东西放回去 我就放你走
but you bring that stuff back, I'll let you go
因为我和人约饭已经迟到了
'cause I'm late for dinner
而且我现在饿得很
and I'm hungry as shit.
去吧
Go ahead.
泰诺安为非处方止痛药 分日用和夜用
-夜用泰诺安 对吧 -才不吃那个
- Tylenol PM? Am I right? - No.
-不对症 -看你是在什么时节去的
- It's not good for that. - It depends on what time of year you go.
-说得对 -我想再来一杯
- That makes sense. - Can I get another?
还要再喝一杯吗
We're gonna have another one?
提醒一下 今天可是我们请客
I'm just saying, we're paying today.
你也许可以悠着点
Maybe you can take it easy a little bit.
尼克 尼克 你今天是怎么了
Hey, hey. Nick. Nick. What... What's wrong with you?
抱歉
Sorry.
我是不是不应该再点一杯呢 警探
Should I not order another drink, Detective?
霍莉 你当然可以点
No. Holly, order another drink.
想点几杯点几杯 我只是开个玩笑
Order as much as you want. I was joking around.
-一点都不好笑 -我之所以
- That's not funny. - The reason...
心情这么好 是因为我今天过得很不错
I'm just in a great mood because I had a great day today.
我们今天是不是很开心啊
Did we have a great day or what?
简直是美妙动人 无与伦比的一天
It was a fabulous day. Incredible day.
真的吗 你们又接到大案子了吗
Really? Did you get another hot case?
什么大案子
Of what?
"什么"的案子
"What."
这个笑话不错 听我说
That was good. No, listen.
我工作真的很顺利
Going great, kid. I promise you.
就好像 他们越来越信任我
It's like, uh, they're trusting me more and more,
我 我真的很想告诉你具体情况
and I, um, I wish I could tell you what it was,
但 但那是机密
but it's... it's confidential.
-等一下 -怎么了
- Wait a second. - What?
我的天哪
Oh, my God.
-这是什么 -是什么呢
- What is this? - What is that?
我的吉米宝贝送我的生日礼物
My baby Jimmy got it for me for my birthday.
-吉米 -什么啊
Jimmy! What?
-是钻戒哦 -好羡慕啊
- Celebration diamonds. - Oh, my gosh.
-太漂亮了 -谢谢 奥黛丽
- It's gorgeous! - Thank you, Audrey.
-很贵的 -吉米 刮目相看啊
- Very expensive. - Wow, Jimmy.
我也给你准备了惊喜 保证你会高兴
I got you something special. I promise, you're gonna be very happy.
真的吗 我等不及了
Really? I can't wait.
话说尼克 我认为你是只会送
See, I would've pegged you, Nick,
亚马逊购物礼券的那种人
as an Amazon gift card kinda guy,
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