他其实没那么喜欢你（2009）

I don't know why I'm saying this...
不过我知道个人 我想他大概会喜欢你
...but I think I know a nice guy who might actually like you.
真的? 真的
Yeah? Yeah.
他是我兄弟的朋友 叫Bill
He's friends with my brother. His name's Bill.
我们可以一起喝一杯 会很棒的
We'll all meet for drinks and it'll be good.
但是 我现在正呆在他的浴室里
So, I mean, I'm in his bathroom right now.
那我该怎么办?
What do I do?
你最后总得出来吧? 不过要是我就会慢慢来 不着急
Well, you gotta come out eventually, right? But I'd take my time in there.
我要让他等得出汗
I'd let him sweat.
谢谢 祝你好运
Thanks. Good luck.
嗯 这船看上去不错
Yeah, the boat looks great.
你看上去很糟
You look like shit.
你的船倒不赖
But your boat looks great.
我睡这船上 兄弟
Yeah. I live on my boat, man.
个人卫生出状况了
Personal hygiene goes out the window.
花了太多时间工作
A lot of time to work on the place.
你可以试试边洗澡边工作
You should try working on a shower.
是啊
Yeah.
嘿 我能跟你说啥?
Hey, what can I tell you?
坚持原则 兄弟 这是我的血泪教训
Standing on principle, man. It's all I got.
来一根?
Cigarette?
不了 谢谢
No, I'm good.
对啊 你戒了
That's right, you quit.
这对你好
Good for you.
所以是Janine让你来查我的岗?
So did Janine send you out here to check up on me?
嗯 差不多
Yeah, pretty much.
那你回去打算怎么跟她说?
What are you gonna tell her?
我会告诉她你在海上看起来超酷的
I'll tell her how gorgeous you look out here on the ocean.
晕
Break.
Beth有跟你说什么吗?
Any word from Beth?
她忙着准备她妹妹的葬礼 我想她一定是...
She's so busy organizing her sister's funeral, I think she must be...
妹妹的什么?
Sister's what?
她的婚礼 她妹妹的婚礼
Her wedding. Her sister's wedding.
我刚刚没那么说? 没有 你说的是"葬礼"
Isn't that what I said? No. You said "funeral."
不 我没有 就是 你就是那么说的
No, I didn't. Yes, you did.
妈的 我真的那么说的?
Shit, did I really?
这可真奇怪
That's so weird.
我不明白为什么人们都想结婚
I don't understand why people wanna get married.
不 他们不想
They don't.
不想? 不想
They don't? No.
不 没有一个男人想真的结婚
No, no guy actually wants to get married.
如果他们结了 他们成天想些什么呢?
And if they do, all they're really thinking about?
想着那些他们即将失之交臂的女人
All the women they're gonna miss out on.
我不想和任何人在一起 除了Beth
I don't wanna be with anybody else, just Beth.
我不知道 伙计 我...
I don't know, man, I...
你为什么结婚?
Why'd you get married?
我爱Janine
I love Janine.
那你是个幸福的已婚男人
You're a happily married guy.
是啊
Yeah.
是啊 是这个意思吧
Yeah, I'd say so.
现在 我想我无需告诉你们任何一个...
Now, I know I don't need to tell any of you...
我的表姐Paige很惹火
...that my cousin Paige is hot.
在高中 如果我告诉那些风云人物 Paige 是我表姐
In high school, if I told the popular guys that Paige was my cousin...
就能确保我的屁♥股♥免遭荼毒
...it'd keep me from getting my ass kicked...
因为没人想毁掉和她接触的机会
...because no one wanted to blow their chances with her.
所以当她站在这里 对着Devon起誓时
And when she gets up there and says those marriage vows to Devon...
全世界男人的心都碎了
...there will be hearts breaking all over the world.
听听 多甜蜜呀
Hear, hear. That's sweet.
不过 可别忘了她的姐姐Beth 还是单身哦
But, you know, keep in mind that her sister Beth is still on the market.
当然 她可能老了点儿...
Yeah, sure, she may be an older model...
不过在那群剩女中 她算不错的了
...but she got a lot of good miles left in that tank.
但别想这点运气能让你用上很久
But don't stay on the lot too long...
或许到下一年 就会有新鲜面孔来的...
...or next year's models are gonna slip in there and steal all...
好了 到此为止吧
Okay, that's enough of the speeches.
好吧
Okay.
请尽情享用美味的蟹肉
So enjoy the crab.
还有那个黄色的东西不是热芥末 那是蟹的肝胰腺
And that yellow stuff is not hot mustard, it's the crab's hepatopancreas.
Bethie
Bethie.
你表弟Jay一直是头蠢驴
Your cousin Jay has always been a jackass.
我知道
I know.
但连他都结婚了
And somehow even he's married.
哦 宝贝 听着
Oh, honey, look.
想想那时候人人都忙着去露营的时候
Back when everyone was just going to camp at the Y...
你却借了我的纽♥约♥时♥报♥
...you borrowed my New York Times...
找了些在波克夏的艺术营
...found some arts camp in the Berkshires...
之后便写信给对方 靠自己的努力获得了对方认可
...wrote away for information and got accepted on your own.
你从来都不走寻常路
You never did things like everyone else.
为什么不?
Why not?
因为那才是你
Because that's you.
这就是为什么你是我最爱的女儿
That's why you're my favorite daughter.
你不用说这些的
You're not supposed to say that.
我才不管呢
I don't give a shit.
我都退休了 现在我要想说啥就说啥
I'm retired, I'll say what I want to.
如果你想 我可以当着所有人的面再说一次
I'll say it to the whole room if you want.
等等 等等 等等 过来 停下来
Wait, wait, wait! Come here. Stop.
不过我说的是真的
It's true, though.
嘿
Hey.
干嘛呢? 等你啊
What are you doing? Waiting for you.
快过来
Come on.
对不起 我迟到了
Sorry I'm late.
没关系
No, it's okay.
我喜欢相亲之前留点时间
I like a little time before a blind date.
来做好心理准备 提醒自己千万别说自己磨牙的事...
Prepare myself mentally, remind myself not to tell the story about my molars...
Gigi 他不来了
Gigi, he's not coming.
不过你可以跟我说说你磨牙的事 我愿意听
But you can tell me the story about the molars. I'd love to hear it.
嘿
Hey.
他怎么会还没见面就已经不喜欢我了?
How could he already not like me?
是我搞砸了 我跟他说成了星期四 而不是星期二 我的错
I screwed up. I told Bill it was Thursday, not Tuesday. It's my fault.
嗨 好吗?
Hi. Are you good?
能给我来杯占美臣加冰吗? 好的
Can I get a Jameson on the rocks? Sure.
好可怕 我被一个 分不清星期二还是星期四的家伙缠住
Awesome. I'm stuck with a guy who can't distinguish Tuesday from Thursday.
而就在我们说话的同时 那姑娘 可能正遇到自己的灵魂伴侣
Meanwhile, this girl, she's probably meeting her soul mate as we speak.
那边那个? 嗯
This one right here? Mm-hm.
哦 上帝 不是
Oh, God, no.
你怎么知道?
How do you know?
那个走汤姆·克鲁斯路线的男人?
The guy working the Tom Cruise thing?
她对他感兴趣 但显然 他不
She's interested, he's clearly not.
你不能只凭匆匆一眼就说他不喜欢她
You cannot tell from a cursory glance that he's not into her.
但事实是 我能 我每天晚上都看着这些事上演
Actually, I can. I see this stuff going on every night.
仔细观察 她正大谈健康饮食法
Watch this. She's going on about her macrobiotic diet.
他却正想着 "亲爱的上帝 让我从这儿脱身吧"
He's thinking, "Dear Christ, get me out of here."
再看 多意外
And look, how fortuitous.
酒打倒了 对他来说这再好不过 因为现在...
Drinks spill, which is perfect for him, because now...
他就可以到肩上有纹身的女孩身边去了
He can move on to the girl with the shoulder tattoo.
老兄 你好有天赋
Man, you have a gift.
现在再回头看看 刚刚垂头丧气站在旁边的那个男人
Now check out Droopy Dog on the other side.
他会为她整晚的消费买♥♥单 但她还是坚持说他们之间没有火花
He's gonna buy her drinks all night and she's still gonna insist there's no spark.
或许就是没有 火花是必需的
Maybe there's not. You need a spark.
火花这种事就是狗屎
Oh, the spark thing is bullshit.
真的? 狗屎
Really? Bullshit.
快给我扫盲
Enlighten me.
有人发明火花这个词
Guys invented the spark...
以便自己能够不打电♥话♥ 对你不好 还让你不停猜测
...so they could not call and treat you kind of badly and keep you guessing...
然后让你相信 那种焦虑和害怕的感觉是自然滋生的
...then convince you that that anxiety and fear that just develops naturally...
这就是火花的真面目
...was actually just a spark.
你们却照单全收 深信不疑
And you guys all buy it. You eat it up and you love it.
你们热爱火花这个说法 因为够跌宕起伏 大家都热衷戏剧性情节
You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama.
我不是
I don't.
这么说你从未因为 暗地里热爱戏剧性情节而把事情
So you never wait until the last minute on a deadline or a phone bill...
拖到截止日的最后一分钟 或是收到电♥话♥催款单...
...because secretly you love the drama...
拿不定主意自己是做还是不做?