博很恐惧（2023）

是你真的来了
would have been you actually coming!
现在我的头晕的厉害
Now, that would have spun my head like a top!
我不知道该怎么办
I wouldn't have known what to do!
我想扑在地板上
I'd have thrown myself flopping on the floor,
祈求上帝原谅我曾经怀疑过你
begging God's forgiveness for ever having doubted you,
但我还是会惊得不知如何是好
but still I would have been struck stupid with disbelief!
你要溜了吗
What, you walking away?
你要去哪
Where you going?
门后有什么 博
What's behind the door, Beau?
你到底要去哪里
Where on earth are you gonna go?
你一直表现得像个孝顺受宠的好孩子
You've always acted like some dutiful, doting little boy,
仿佛能让我掉以轻心
as if it's throwing me off some scent.
这些都不是真的
None of it's ever been real.
你一生都在四处游走
You spent your whole life going around,
问每一个你能找到的笨蛋
asking every half-wit you could find,
“如果我这么做了 我能避免吗”
"If I do this, can I avoid this,
“或那会发生吗”
"or will that happen?"
就好像你生来就不会做选择
As if you were born without the mechanism to choose.
你只会让事情自行解决
You let it all resolve itself in the absence of you!
你让每个人替你做决定
You make everyone do it for you!
你以为你很无辜吗
You think that makes you innocent?
我的亲生母亲都不肯碰我
My own mother wouldn't even touch me.
就算我身上着火 也不会来帮我扑灭
Not if it was simply to stamp me out if I was on fire!
我不配拥有她的爱
I wasn't worthy of her love.
我争取不到 从没得到过
I hadn't earned it! And I never earned it.
无论我做了什么
No matter what I did,
无论我内心深处否认和埋藏了多少
no matter how much of my deepest real self
真实的自我
I denied and buried,
直到窒息消亡
and smothered until it was dead.
这些都不重要
None of it mattered.
她把她母亲对她所做的事都归咎于我
She blamed me for everything her mother did to her.
我怀上你的时候
When I had you,
我保证过 我绝不会这样对他
I promised, "I will never do that to him.
我会给他所有的爱
"I will give him all the love I have."
你知道他们问我儿子怎么样时
You know what I tell people
我怎么跟他们说的吗
when they ask me how my son is doing?
我说“我和你一样不清楚”
I say, "Your guess is as good as mine."
我多希望那是真的
How I wish that were true.
多跟我说说那个时期的事
Tell me more about that period.
嗯
Well...
当我刚开始有喜欢的东西
When I was just starting to like my own stuff
做自己的事时
and do my own things,
她会认为这些是叛逆的表现
she'd take all those changes very personally,
她会非常生气或悲伤
and get very mad or sad
让我感觉很糟 直到我停下
and make me feel bad about it until I stopped.
所以在你断奶过程中
So, through the weaning process,
她把你的自主性
she took your displays of autonomy
视为一种背叛
as a betrayal.
没错
Exactly.
你什么意思
What do you mean?
你能说个例子吗
Can you give me an example?
比如她会给我很多关爱
Well, like, she would give me lots of love...
抱歉我给了你那么多关爱
Oh, I gave you lots of love! I'm sorry!
但如果我不以同样的方式
...b ut if I didn't give it back to her
回报她
in the exact same way,
她会认为我忘恩负义
she saw it as me being not thankful
想伤她的心
and, like, trying to hurt her.
所以爱是有条件的
So the love was conditional?
对
Yes.
这对你大有好处 博
Ah. This is very good for you, Beau.
经过300多次会诊
Over 300 sessions,
这句话对我来说是一种恭维
and that was about as flattering to me as they get.
哪一次是我最爱的 杰里米
Which one was my favorite, Jeremy?
2018年10月3日那次
October 3, 2018.
你怎么能……
How could you do...
你怎么……
How could you...
你怎么能这样对我
How could you do this to me?
我从小就做这个梦了
I've been having it since I was little.
梦里我是个孩子
Where I'm a little boy,
大概就是我开始做这个梦的年龄
probably the same age as when I started having the dream...
我梦到另一个我 和我一模一样
and there's another me, who's identical,
但他更勇敢
but he's braver,
他敢问父亲的事
and he asks her about my father
因为我太害怕了
because I'm too scared.
然后她把他锁在了阁楼上
And then she sends him away and locks him up. Upstairs.
再也没有提起过他
And she never talks about him again.
你想知道你父亲的什么事
What is it you want to know about your father?
如果你不害怕 也不会有任何后果
If you weren't afraid, if there were no consequences...
我想知道真♥相♥ -你会问你妈妈
I want to know the truth. - ...what would you
什么问题
ask your mom?
我会问她……
I'd ask her...
告诉我真♥相♥ -我不知道
To tell me the truth! - I don't know...
你觉得她没有告诉你真♥相♥吗
Do you feel she didn't tell you the truth?
对 -嗯
Yes! - Um...
我不知道 -对
I don't know. -Yes!
因为我 -但我认为
'Cause I... - But I think
我害怕相信真♥相♥ -我现在知道了
I'm too afraid to believe it. -I know now.
我知道真♥相♥了
I know the truth. I...
我见到了父亲 我在树林里见到了他 我知道
I met my father. I met the man in the woods, and I know.
你为什么骗我
Why did you lie to me?
你现在想知道真♥相♥吗
Do you want the truth now?
想
Yes!
跟我来
Follow me.
在上面吗 -没错
Up there? -That's right.
谁都不准上去
Nobody's allowed up there.
有些规定是为了保护你 博
Some things are for your protection, Beau,
我要你记住我对你隐瞒了这件事
and I want you to remember that I kept this from you!
我现在不想上去
I don't wanna go up there now.
我不想 -不
I don't wanna... -No,
你想知道真♥相♥ 我觉得你值得知道
you want the truth, and I think you deserve it.
别担心 亲爱的 我就在你后面
Don't worry, sweetheart. I'll be right behind you.
不 我不想上去 妈妈
No. I don't wanna go up there, Mom.
我就在你后面 别担心
I'll be right behind you. Don't worry.
上去吧
Up you go.
别担心 我就在你后面
Don't worry, I'll be right behind you.
别担心 亲爱的 上去吧
Don't worry, sweetheart. Up you go.
这和我梦里的一样 -我就在后面
This is just like my dream. -I'm right behind you.
我就在后面 -天啊
I'm right behind you. -Oh... Oh, God.
噢
Oh...
这和我梦里的一样
Oh, this is exactly like my dream!
你还没明白吗 笨蛋
Don't you get it, you stupid idiot?
那不是梦 是你的记忆
That wasn't a dream, that was a memory!
等等 等等
Wait! Wait! Wait!
妈妈 等等
Mommy, wait!
哦 不
Oh... Oh... No.
拜托
Come on...
不
No...
博
Beau?
我的好孩子
My beautiful boy.
博 别害怕
Oh, Beau, don't be afraid.
不
No!
天啊 孩子
Oh, God. Oh, baby.
亲爱的
Baby, sweetheart.
亲爱的
Ooh, sweetheart.
我不想让你知道的
I didn't want you to know.
你现在明白我为什么骗你了吧
Do you see now why I lied?
博
Beau.
博
Beau!
那是你父亲
That was your father.
哦 妈妈
Oh, Mom! Oh, Mom!