Evening hot chocolate.
Max we got big trouble from little China.
There's nothing big about him.
He looks like I won him in a bear claw machine.
Max what is the worst sentence you ever want to hear
come out of Han's mouth?
I got you pregnant?
Come on bad bad.
I got you pregnant again?
I'm putting in karaoke.
Those guys better be up there
because we're officially putting ass crack on the menu.
I am adding a TV to bring in more customers.
We can have theme nights Ultimate Fighting nights
Real Desperate Housewives of Bravo City nights
and best of all
You can't get hipsters on microphone.
That's like throwing gasoline on a pretentious fire.
Hipsters like karaoke.
Replace the word "like" with the word "Hitler"
and you got the three worst things in history.
Max I hear what you say but
麦克斯 我懂你的意思 但是
Everybody else say "he ey!"
Where are my single ladies!
Okay. Next person is going to sing Teenage Dream by Katy Perry
who is pretty now but used to have very horrible acne.
This is the third Teenage Dream in 45 minutes.
Why don't I just close my nuts in the cashier's drawer?
Come on up now girl named "Stacey."
I got this.
Look I don't know you but I like you.
And I respect both hair choices.
I hate karaoke.
I can't afford to have any more hate in my head.
My hate is at capacity.
Sit this one out I'll comp your cobbler.
What did you do?
I saved Earl's nuts.
Pick up! Hot food. Pick up.
上菜 美味出炉 快上菜
Calm your bells down Oleg.
Not my stations.
Would it make you jealous if I said
she was back here with me?
Because we're busy and it would take me all that time
to get the duct tape off her mouth and hands.
What are you doin' in here snow white?
If you're lookin' for one of your dwarves
he's out there holding the mic.
Look my bite is off.
See I did the bite test.
The number seven incisor is crossing over number nine.
Hold up. You know the names of your teeth?
I don't even know the name of my father.
Ow I just bit my tongue.
Ah! Number 12 just joined the party.
I'd stop doing that right now.
You just made it into Oleg's spank bank.
What am I gonna do without my bite guard?
My teeth don't know where to go.
Well maybe they should just backpack for a couple of years
so they figure it out.
Listen perfect teeth
this is a nightmare for me.
The technical term for this is "advanced bruxism."
And the technical term for you is "overly dramatic."
Yesterday you freaked out 'cause we were out of toilet paper.
Just hold it till you get to work like everybody else.
Oh you're back.
We thought you ran away.
Chestnut and I were just about to pick out
another human from the shelter.
I had quite a day.
8:00 to 10:00... Grind grind pain.
八点至十点 磨 磨 疼
10:00 to 11:00... Pain pain grind.
十点至十一点 疼 疼 磨
So I went to the drug store
and bought an $8 bite guard
which didn't fit my freaky Tim Burton mouth.
And when I tried to return it
the cashier Rhonda
whose nametag said she was happy to help
but who was neither happy nor helpful
said that I couldn't return it
because it had already touched my "teef."
For someone whose jaw is about to unhinge
you're sure flapping it a lot.
Why is this rag with my father on it here?
Don't look at me. Chestnut bought it.
He likes it when I read him his daily horse oscope.
Why is everybody so obsessed with the fact that
he hasn't said anything?
Haven't you ever been at a loss for words?
Tampons yes. Words nah.
Well this will make me feel better.
Whenever I'm in pain I need a treat.
You know whenever you're in pain that is my treat.
Sushi! I hope you like crab roll.
I never had sushi.
That doesn't even make sense.
No sushi no dentist... Who are you?
没吃过寿司 没看过牙 什么人啊这是
A poor person.
If I come to your restaurant
get up off your ass and cook the damn fish.
I wish we could afford to go to this little sushi place
in Tribeca where my father always took me.
We had this little joke.
Every time we'd walk in I'd always say...
And we would just laugh!
So you're not funny in Japanese either.
I got this at a corner deli.
The cashier was Japanese.
She said it was good.
Oh I'm sure it's great.
'Cause the disenfranchised immigrant
serving the spoiled white girl
would have no reason to lie.
Get ready for something heavenly!
That's not heaven.
Spit it out.
What a disappointment.
Your first time.
Well that's kinda the way it goes with me and first times.
Here clean yourself off.
That's exactly the way it goes!
It's not that bad.
It's not that bad. It's not that bad.
For a dentist office in the subway
it's pretty good.
Seriously how are you not running out of here?
I have no choice.
Now that I have no money or health insurance
I have to get used to this third world situation.
Third world situation?
This is an underworld situation.
Okay there's bulletproof glass.
With a bullet in it.
All right so the glass works.
It says to sign in.
Look why don't you just take some of our cupcake business savings
and go to a good dentist office?
You know one where you won't get a staph infection
just from looking at the floor.
No we can't do that.
That's our future.
Once we start doing that
it's a slippery slope.
I don't want anyone to know I was here.
I know this situation is less than ideal
but I am having a dental emergency.
No he's having a dental emergency.
Come on let's go over here
and see if this man can help me.
Welcome to Subway smiles.
I told ya we'll get to ya.
I'm sorry girls.
I'm a little shaky.
I was just shot at.
I have a problem with my teeth migrating.
I have advanced bruxism.
Ah. I have hep C.
Everybody's got their something.
What do you need?
We need to be leaving.
I just need a bite guard.
Oh! I can do that.
That's where I squirt foam into your mouth
and make a mold.
Come in the back.
If you go back there with him
you'll need a bite guard and a rape guard.
Is that necessary?
You're gonna want the gas sweetheart.
One more song before we close.
I sing Spice Girls'
Aww, tell me what you want,
what you really really want.
That boy's more stiff
than Michele Bachmann's husband at a Chippendales
I will give you the money for trip to fancy dentist.
Really? Oleg you would do that?
真的吗 奥列格 你愿意吗
It's favor I do for you.
And at some point when I come to you for favor
you will say yes like I say yes now.
Well I'd need to know what that favor might be.
I can't say for sure.
Will it be in a week or a month?
I can't say for sure.
Will it be sexual?
Yes it will be.
This I can say for sure.
Thank you but no.
I am such an idiot.
I like it. Keep going.
My bite guard is just sitting in the bathroom of my townhouse.
If I could only get up on the roof
then I could break in through the skylight
like I used to when I snuck out in high school.
Hello I'm Max. Have we met?
你好 我是麦克斯 你还是大小姐吗
When I was 15 I paid the security system guys extra
我十五岁的时候 贿赂了装安保系统的人to not wire the skylight
and then I snuck out and went to Ilana Shapiro's Sweet 16...
Cute. In Greece.
I used to sneak out of the house
and huff spray paint with an ex-marine
And sometimes I'd just sneak out
look up at the stars and dream.
And then you said that.
See I told you I can get this skylight open.
Turn on a light!
Wait till I close the closet door.
Why are the floors so bouncy?
It's called "carpet."
No way. No way.
Is this Narnia?
I'm about to say something I swore I'd never say.
It's lame but nothing else really nails it.
This is the room that O.M.G. was born for.
Max it's just my closet.
Your clothes have a house!
You are rich!
Like I know you've said you were rich
but you are rich.
You're embarrassing me.
Are you crazy?
This is nothing to be embarrassed about.
What's this do?
Oh my God.
You have a shoe rotisserie.
I designed it.
I call it my "ferris heels".
I'd judge you if that wasn't exactly what
I'd call it if I had one.
Okay we should really go now.
Let me just grab my bite guard.
You have a museum in your closet?
Come on it's just a bathroom.
Just a bathroom?
It's the Louvre of pooping.
Here it is.
Do you two need to be left alone?
We have to go.
Can't risk staying much longer.
Wow. Just when I thought your voice couldn't get any more grating.
It'll loosen up.
Seriously we should go.
Oh um I just have to do one thing before we go.
I think me and your tub are going steady.
Oh you found the jacuzzi button.
I don't know who found who
but we're together now.
I'm totally stealing some of these ridonculous bath soaps.
This one's shaped like a vagina.
It's a seashell.
Sister this is a mint green vagina.
Did you go to the prom with your dad?
That's my debutante dance
when I came out.
Like you came out that you were dating your dad?
I think I can still fit a goose feather pillow in.
Hey what's this one of you and Chestnut and your dad?
Oh that's when my dad bought Chestnut for me.
It was my first period present.
Your dad got you a horse for getting your period?
Know how I celebrated getting my period?
Stole a painkiller and half a beer from my mom's boyfriend.
Wasn't a horse but it was pretty awesome.
How come there are no pictures of your mom?
'Cause there aren't any.
She cheated on my dad when I was five
and my grandmother got rid of her.
Not in like a mob way.
In a society way which is worse.
So who raised you?
Well Estella from 1989 to '96.
Then Dominica from '97 until she went back to Guatemala.
Then no one.
Funny. You didn't have a father
and I didn't have a mother. So we're
Oh we're alike?
Look around. We have nothing in common.
Hey what's this button for?
Oh let me guess. Show tunes? Boy bands?
我来猜猜 音乐剧原声带 男子团体吗
I love this song!
See? I knew what we had in common wouldn't last.
Were you krumping for a second?
Maybe. Were you tootsie rolling for a second?
Okay get dressed.
We really should go now.
I have all the essentials.
Tampons toilet paper comforter body shimmer.
卫生棉条 厕纸 被子 亮肤乳
Wait what about the clothes?
Oh what am I gonna do?
Walk around Williamsburg in a $3000 gown?
Oh my God.
Wait a minute.
Grab everything with a price tag on it
that we can resell.
Or that you think I'd look amazing in.
Not the furs! They're wired!
Why would you wire the furs?
Everybody wires the furs bitch!
Security's gonna be here in ten minutes.
Just grab everything you can.
Wait! How are we going to carry it all back to Brooklyn?
Look two seats.
I think you got more stuff than me.
Well you spent five minutes saying good bye to the tub.
This was my fave purse to take dancing.
How'd you keep it on your shoulder when you went all mad krump?
It's not enough we're sitting on the subway in furs...
You gotta make it rain?
This is so exciting.
It's going right into our cupcake fund.
Or... Or what?
Where was that place you always went with your dad?
你每次都跟你老爸去吃的地方叫啥来着toro with black truffle.toro加黑松露
You are about to have a sushi toro gasm.
Will you calm down? It's just
Oh sweet bejesus that's delicious!
If this is sushi
what was that other stuff we ate?
Wrong. On every level.
We need more of this.
Like all of it.
Can we have some more toro?
Thank you so much.
I get it now 'cause I'm rich.
I don't know how you're pulling it off.
What do you mean?
Giving up everything that you had.
The maids the closet the dentist the sushi the tub.
女佣 衣橱 牙医 寿司 浴缸
All of it. The tub.
I almost can't give it up
but I only had it for an hour.
You're kind of a badass.
Max you just called me a badass.
I'm drunk on black truffle.
It's my dad!
Wait he actually exists?
Like the townhouse and the tub?
Hi daddy. How are you?
I miss you so much.
I'm good. No really.
我很好 不 真的
I'm still staying in Brooklyn with my friend Max.
Oh okay. Hold on.
Love you daddy.
He wants to talk to you.
I wouldn't know what to say.
Take it! He's only allowed five minutes.
Yo what's up Martin Channing?
哟 有啥事啊 马丁·钱宁
You're welcome but I di
Well thank you.
Yeah she's great.
Well bye. What?
Okay I'll tell her.
So that's what a father sounds like.
What did he say?
He wanted me to remind you to wear your bite guard.
See he can't be as bad as everyone says.
He just can't be.
Oh my God.
The 200 didn't cover it.
Start checking the purses!
Oh hey. Do you take hats?
Any cougars in the house?
And in case you don't know "cougar"
means older lady with a large sexual appetite.
Lady past prime with tight clothes
who wants sex from young men.
Max what is the one thing worse than karaoke?
Oh no. That's right.
Open mic night.
Cougar also have face lift.
From behind look 22.
She turn around 72.
It's funny 'cause it's true.
They heightened security because we tripped the alarm.
The entire townhouse is locked down.
We can never go back!
Why does anything that gives me pleasure wind up behind bars?
Forget about the tub.
Everything was inventoried.
We can't sell the furs.
I should've thought of that!
Yeah you should've.
'Cause you know they always inventory the furs, bitch!