疯狂折价券
One steak sandwich and a cheeseburger with muenster cheese.
一份牛排三明治，一个门斯特起司汉堡
We're out of muenster.
没有门斯特起司
Oh, since when?
什么时候没的
Well, let's see, the diner opened in '82. So '82.
我想想，从19♥82年开店至今就没有过
Hi, sorry but we're out of muenster.
抱歉，我们没有门斯特起司
Seriously, dude? I wanted muenster.
你不是吧，兄台？我就想吃门斯特起司
Sorry, we have cheddar, Swiss or American.
抱歉，不过我们有切达，瑞士，跟美国起司
I hate cheddar and Swiss blows.
我讨厌切达，瑞士起司也烂爆了
Well... then American?
那美国起司呢
American cheese? What am I, at grade school?
美国起司啊？你当我是小学生吃早点啊
Yeah, go to the principal's office.
熊孩子，快滚去校长办公室
I can't have another idiot up my ass right now. It's at capacity.
老娘现在没心情招呼白♥痴，我要忙死了
Max, I got this. Would you like to see the menu again?
麦克斯，我来处理。您要再看一遍菜单吗
This is crap, okay, I wanted muenster.
什么狗屁菜单，我就要门斯特起司
Well, I wanted to be running a Fortune 500 company instead of waiting on a toxic man-child like yourself.
我还想当财富500强公司的老板呢，你当老娘想服务你这种幼稚男啊
But, we can't always get what we want.
无奈愿望很美好，现实很残酷
So, order something else, put it in your pie hole and get on with your damn life.
所以给老娘乖乖点别的，塞进你的狗嘴，然后继续你悲催的人生
Welcome to waitress. We've been expecting you.
欢迎进入服务生界，我们等你加入好久了
Here you go, table ten, Earl.
给，厄尔，10号桌结账
Have any exciting plans for tomorrow?
明天有何绝妙计划
Just trying to not die in my sleep, Max. How about you?
别在睡梦中上天堂，我就阿弥陀佛了。你呢
I'm going to visit Caroline's horse.
我要去探望卡洛琳的马
He was adopted by a rich white lady who could give him everything we couldn't afford to. Which is everything.
一个白人富婆收养了他，还给他所有我们给不起的东西，基本上就是一切事物
White people will adopt anything.
白人还真是什么都领养呀
I figured out the best way to go see Chestnut.
我计划好去见栗宝的最佳路线了
We take the J train to the 4, the 4 to Grand Central, change trains to Riverdale
先搭J号火车到4号线，再由4号线转中央车站，然后转火车去河谷站
and walk three blocks to his fancy new stable.
最后下车走3个街区，就到他华丽的新家了
Sounds exotic. Do I need a travel shot?
好像要漂洋过海哦，需要"打"旅游疫苗吗
No, but there's a dicey underpass at Grand Central where we might get shot.
不必，不过中央车站有段地下道挺乱的，在那倒有可能被开枪"打"
I am so excited to see my baby again.
要去见我的小宝贝，好激动啊
Me too.
我也是
In the Lifetime movie version,
如果是生活台的剧，那剧情就是
we get there and Chestnut likes his new home better and then we cry.
我们到那里发现栗宝更喜欢他的新家，然后我们抱头痛哭
Excuse me, Hi.
抱歉，你们好
Sorry to bother you. I'm Rhya, I'm a little embarrassed.
抱歉打扰了，我叫蕾雅，我有个难言之隐
I just got my period.
我突然月事来潮
Mazel tov.
恭喜恭喜
Do either of you have a tampon?
你们俩有人带了卫生棉条吗
Not me. I just go off Into the Woods and don't come out until it's over.
我没有。我一般都是跑进森林里，等大姨妈走了再出来
I have one.
我有带
I'm so sorry to bother you guys.
真抱歉，麻烦你们了
No problem, "Sisterhood of the Traveling Panty Shields"
小意思，"卫生棉条的夏天"嘛
Actually, no, I don't have one.
抱歉，我好像没带
Here's a quarter, there's a tampon machine in the ladies' room. Thanks.
这里有25分，在女厕所里有个棉条贩卖机。谢谢了
Pick up, table six.
6号桌，上菜
I couldn't help overhear. I have tampon.
我"不小心"听到你们的对话，我有棉条呢
Oleg, why do you have a tampon?
奥列格，你怎么会有棉条
Same reason I carry a lighter, even though I don't smoke.
就跟我不抽烟也随身带打火机一样
Feels good to be the hero.
当英雄感觉很好很强大
Sorry, again, but do you have any more change?
抱歉，又来打扰了，能再要点零钱吗
It's 75 cents. It's a quarter.
一个要75分。只要25分吧
75. Says so on the machine.
是75分，贩卖机上写着呢
It better not or I'm about to rage against the machine.
最好不是，否则我要打爆这破机子
What? Han, I need to see you in here now.
我靠。阿憨，进来，我有话跟你说
But that is the ladies' room.
可那是女厕所呀
You're fine. Women bring their little boys in here all the time.
怕啥。很多女人经常会带小孩进来
Everybody decent? Man in the ladies' room.
大家都穿戴整齐了吗？有男人进女厕啦
I apologize for personal intrusion.
我对我的无礼闯入感到抱歉
You don't have to cover your eyes.
你遮眼睛干嘛
It's a ladies' room, not a solar eclipse.
进女厕而已，又不是看日蚀
Max, why do you want to see me in this inappropriate meeting place?
麦克斯，你为什么要挑一个这么不恰当的会面场地见我呀
This is why. The tampon machine.
原因在这里，棉条贩卖机
Oh, this is not man topic.
哎呀，这不是男人该讨论的话题
I do not wish to discuss time of the month when ladies must chase the cotton mouse.
我不想跟你讨论你们女人每个月都有几天得追逐"棉老鼠"的事
Chase the cotton mouse?
追逐棉老鼠
Geeze, where'd you get your sex education? Lambchop's playalong?
天啊，你两性教育课去哪上的？儿童电视剧吗
Han, you changed the price of tampons?
阿憨，棉条价钱是你涨的吗
Yes, this is not appropriate talk.
是的，但是谈这个不合适吧
No, this is not appropriate action.
错，是你这么做不合适吧
They've been a quarter forever. Look how old this machine is.
人家卖25分都卖了几百年了。看到这机器多旧了没啊
Harriet Tubman used to get her tampons here.
哈莉特·塔布曼都在这机子买过呢
I'm a businessman. Emphasis on the man. I do not belong in here.
我是个男商人。我要强调是"男"字。我不该进来的
Hey, hey! Don't make me chase you, you little khaki mouse.
喂，喂。别逼老娘追你，你这小卡其裤鼠
Look, Han, everyone knows there are certain things that people need in an emergency that you never raise the price on.
阿憨，众所皆知，人们在紧急情况下需要的某些东西是完全不应该涨价的
Things like what?
比如什么
Off the top of my head, tampons and 40-ounce beers.
我现在想到的就有卫生棉条和超大瓶啤酒
Max, why are you so upset? It is only two more quarters.
麦克斯，你干嘛这么不爽啊，不过就是涨了50分钱嘛
Han, that's a 200% price hike. That's outrageous.
阿憨，你这相当于提价了两倍。太黑心了
You're taking advantage of women.
你这是在占女人的便宜
If men were the ones who got periods,
如果是男人来月经
tampons would be thrown free from floats like Mardi Gras beads.
那棉条会跟狂欢节的彩珠一样从花车上免♥费扔下来
I went to Mardi Gras once-- I was 11.
我也曾去过狂欢节，当时我11岁
My mom and her new boyfriend wanted to go, and they needed a designated driver.
我妈跟她的新男友想去玩，他们需要个不喝酒的驾驶员
Earl, I need a man's opinion.
厄尔，我需要男人的意见
Is it my right to raise the price of any product in my diner?
餐厅的一切产品我是不是都有权涨价
What product are we talking about?
比如什么产品
Tampons.
卫生棉条
Oh, brother. Uh, you gotta just relax and butt out. Trust me.
天啊，小兄弟。深吸一口气，就此罢手吧。相信我
I been in this situation a long time.
多年以前，我也碰过这种情况
Remember Aunt Flo? That was my aunt.
还记得佛罗阿姨吧？那是我亲姨呢
Han, just because you can take advantage of a business situation, doesn't mean you should.
阿憨，虽然你有商机可以趁机捞一笔，但也不能趁火打劫呀
It is law of supply and demand.
这是供求法则
Fine, then I demand you roll back the price on the supply.
那我要求你改回原价
Come on Han, don't be so 1% about it.
阿憨，别在这种时候当1%的人啊
You think occupy Wall Street was a big deal?
你觉得99%党占领华尔街那事严重吗
Wait till you see occupy tampon.
"占领卫生棉"可是有过之无不及哦
We only protest once a month, but it's an intense five to seven days.
女人虽然每个月只抗♥议一次，可一抗♥议，就是群情激昂的五到七天哦
Got it. Found the milk. And I found it even faster than the butter.
搞定，找到牛奶了。速度比找黄油快多了
You know they're not hiding it from you.
商品又没有跟你玩躲猫猫
It's a grocery store, not a sorority scavenger hunt.
我们是来超市购物，不是玩寻宝游戏
Grocery shopping is so fun.
超市购物好有趣啊
When I was little, I always wondered where this stuff came from.
我小时候总是好奇这些吃的都是哪来的
What's that?
那是什么啊
Birthday card for my mom.
要寄给我妈的生日卡
Aww, let me see. "Get better soon"?
我看看。怎么写着"早日康复"啊
I thought you said it was a birthday card.
你不是说是生日贺卡吗
It is, that's the only one that seemed appropriate for our relationship.
是啊，只有这张感觉比较符合我跟她的关系
Do you really want your mom to get a get well card on her birthday?
你真的希望你妈生日收到一张探病慰问卡吗
Okay... here's one with a strawberry, that's fine.
好吧，那这张有草莓的总可以了吧
It's really about the 50 bucks inside anyway.
反正她在乎的也只是卡里面夹的50块
That makes me sad.
听得我好伤感啊
Sad? I can fix that.
伤感啊，我帮你
Have a treat, it'll perk you right back up.
吃个糖吧，吃完心情立马好
Max, you just stabbed a bag of candy.
麦克斯，你把人家的糖果包扎烂了
That's okay, they'll just think a gang came through and did it.
不用怕，人家只会以为是是黑帮路过时干的
A candy gang? What, like the sour patch kids?
捅糖帮吗？成员是一群酸甜娃糖吗
Just step away and pretend you didn't do it. That's what you do.
袖手旁观，视而不见就行了。你不都这样吗
We just need to grab ten boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.
再买十盒邓肯海恩牌的蛋糕粉就行了
Why would we need to do that?
我们要蛋糕粉干嘛
Why do you think? to make the cupcakes.
你说呢，当然是做小蛋糕啊
I thought the cupcakes were homemade.
我以为小蛋糕是你自制的呢
They are, I make them in my home.
是啊，在"自"家现"制"呀
You've been using a boxed cake mix?
原来你都是用蛋糕粉做的啊
Relax, I only use it when I'm tired.
别大惊小怪的，我累的时候才这么干
And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix that makes them irresistible.
而且我还是会加入我的秘方，让蛋糕美味无法挡
So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?
你原料都用现成的，不会觉得羞耻吗
I've no shame about anything.
羞耻在我眼中是浮云
Shame is overrated like Kesha.
那玩意儿就跟科莎一样被捧过头了
In fact, they should rename shame "Keshame"
其实，她应该改艺名叫"科耻"
I just bought a Kesha album, I'm so keshamed.
我刚买了科莎的专辑，太"科耻"了
Shouldn't there be someone to do this for us?
怎么没有人帮我们装袋啊
Oh, he's probably in the aisle cleaning up after the candy gang.
他可能在刚那里清理捅糖帮过境后的残局吧
There was no candy gang in here tonight.
我们这里才没有捅糖帮
That was a sneaky customer, now wasn't it?
只是有个坏心眼的顾客，不是咩
Hey, look. For Chestnut, I can't wait.
瞧。买给栗宝的，好想见他哦
I got him the kind with tops on them, like Bugs Bunny.
我专门买了带叶的，跟兔八哥爱吃的一样
He'll be so excited when he sees the two of us tomorrow.
明天他见到我们一定会很开心的
I know.
我知道
I was talking about me and the carrots.
我是说见到我跟胡萝卜开心
All right now, your total is $70.49.
好了，总计70块49分
Wow, that seems like a lot.
哇，好贵啊
I don't make the prices, now do I?
价钱又不是我定的，有问题咩
No, I was just commenting.
没有，我就发表下看法
Well, it's not CNN now, is it?
这又不是新闻台，要这么多看法咩
Here, give her the coupons. The coupons?
给，把折价券给她。折价券啊
Yeah, here.
对啊，拿去
Max, you use coupons? I had no idea.
麦克斯，你居然用折价券。我真心没想到啊
You're looking at me like I'm on to Catch a Predator.
你居然用那种看《猎捕恋童癖》上的变态的眼神看我
We don't need to use those, I have my tip money right here.
我们人穷志不能穷，用我的小费结吧
What are you talking about, I have coupons. Here, take them.
说什么傻话，我有折价券呢。给，快拿去啊
I-I have--
我有...
I can't, I don't want to. I've fallen so far, I can't fall any further. Don't make me.
我做不到，也不想做到。我已经够堕落了，不能变得无下限。拜托别逼我
There's no need to go down a keshame spiral. Hi, she has coupons.
没必要因为折价券而觉得"科耻"。您好，她有折价券
Oh, now you tell me you have coupons?
哎哟，现在才说你有折价券啊
Should have told me before, now shouldn't ya?
早该跟我说了，不是咩
I didn't wanna tell you at all, she made me. Now didn't ya?
我真心不想跟你说的，是她逼我的。不是咩
Look, it's not a big deal. Lots of people use coupons.
干嘛啊，没什么大不了的。很多人都用折价券啊
Coupons are for--
折价券是给...
Poor people, yes. Like us.
穷人用的，没错。我们就是穷人
People who stand at the cash register and say things like, "Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."
穷人才会站在收银台前说"哇，要七十块，好贵啊"
Your new total is $12.70
现在总计，12块7毛
Wait, it just went from $70 to $12? Just like that?
等等，一下子价钱就能从70块变12块吗？不费吹灰之力
The same food for less money? The exact same food?
一样的商品，更优惠的价钱？真的完全一样的商品吗
How is that even possible?
怎么可能有这么好的事啊
You used coupons, now didn't ya.
你用了折价券啊，不是咩
Max, coupons are genius.
麦克斯，折价券太神了
I'm late, I know.
我迟到了，我知道
I just got a text from Chestnut.
我刚接到栗宝的短信
"Where are you? I'm wearing my best suit."
他问："你们在哪呢？我穿着最好的西装恭候大驾呢"
He spelled suit with a four, but that's pretty good for a horse.
他把西装打成"四"装，不过马蹄打字，情有可原
I have a good reason.
我有正当理由
15 chicken pot pies. Regular price: $1.47. Coupon price: Free!
15个鸡肉饼，原价1块47分，折价后，免♥费
'Cause I bought 15 and used the double coupon in-store sale combo.
因为我买了15个，用双倍折价券正好免♥费
Listen to me with the lingo already.
瞧我折价界行话说的多溜啊
Reminds me of my first day interning on Wall Street.
让我想起去华尔街实♥习的第一天
Chicken pot pies? You don't even like them.
鸡肉饼？你自己都不爱吃
What does it matter if I like them or not? They were free.
我爱不爱吃又如何？反正是免♥费的
It's free money. Who doesn't like free money?
不要钱啊。谁不喜欢天上掉馅饼的好事
I don't know about free money,
天上有没有掉馅饼我不知道
but this is like watching someone free base for the first time.
我只知道某人看起来像第一次尝到毒品甜头似的
Chestnut's fine. It's not a big deal.
栗宝没事的。晚个一天又不会怎么样
Ooh, oh, I just got another text from Chestnut.
哎哟，栗宝又给我发来一条短信
"I'm so lonely, I just tried smoking."
"我好孤单哦，唯有以烟慰籍"
We can go tomorrow.
我们可以明天去看他嘛
In the Lifetime movie version, we just missed the day we were appointed by the court,
如果这是生活台的剧，那剧情就是，我们错过法庭指定的日子
and Chestnut's new parents move him out of town. And we cry.
现在栗宝要被新爸妈带去别城市了。然后我们泪洒当场
I get it, it's just that after last night,
我明白，只是昨晚尝过甜头后
I woke up fascinated by the concept of coupons.
我就对折价券的好念念不忘，连醒来都想着
So I did some research.
所以我上网搜了下
I found this woman online who calls herself the Williamsburg Coupon Queen.
搜到网上有名奇女子自封为"威廉斯堡折价券女皇"
Only she calls them "Cue-pons." Is that the correct way to pronounce it?
只不过她念成折"家"券。难道那样才是正确的念法吗
Eh, I'm gonna go with her way after all, she is the queen.
算了，我也那样念吧。毕竟人家才是女皇嘛
Canned pumpkin?
罐装南瓜
Ten cans, double coupon, five cents each.
10罐，双倍折扣后，5分钱一罐
Great, 'cause I'm always lying in bed at night thinking I wish I could crack open a can of pumpkin.
太好了，我一直有个晚上躺床上想着要能开一罐南瓜会有多爽的梦呢
Oh, and I found a coupon for you to send your mom an edible arrangement for her birthday.
我找到了个折"家"券，你可以送给你妈，一个可自选的花篮当生日礼物
A pretty pineapple daisy says so much more than cash in a card.
一朵凤梨雕的雏菊比贺卡夹现金有意义多了
And it's for 40% off the regular price.
而且能打六折呢
That's perfect because my mom was 40% off a regular mom.
太巧了，我妈也是个六折妈
And Max, I do have something else for you in this bag.
麦克斯，袋子里还有要给你的小礼物哦
Somet'hing that'll make you very happy.
你见了包准欣喜若狂哟
Canned yams for when I get tired of canned pumpkin?
开腻南瓜罐后，换口味的地瓜罐吗
Better, look.
比那个还棒，你瞧
Look out, Han Lee. I'm about to get my tamp on.
接招吧，李憨。老娘要"棉"起抗战啦
Well well, if it isn't everything that's wrong with the current economy, in a boys' v-neck sweater.
唉，居然有人穿小男孩的低领毛衣，世界经济的萧条可见一斑呀
Oh, what do you think you are doing?
哎呀，你这是在干嘛呢
Oh, just putting straws in the container... in case, uh...
把吸管放进罐子里啊，以防...
Just in case a woman might suddenly need a straw and not have 75 cents.
以防有女士突然需要个吸管，又碰巧没有75分钱
Those are not straws.
那些不是吸管
They do not belong in public.
它们不应该出现在公共场合
Didn't your mother ever teach you that is secret, no-no private lady thing?
你母亲难道没教你那是女性不能说的秘密吗
You can't even say the name.
你连那个词都不敢说
Come on Wall Street, if you can sell it, you should be able to bring yourself to say it.
说啊，满口钱的华尔街男孩，你敢涨价，就要敢说出口啊
I will never speak of it.
打死我也不说那词
Just say it. Tampon, tampon, tampon. What's the big deal?
就说啊，棉条，棉条，棉条。有那么难吗
In Ukraine, there are pop songs about it.
我们乌克兰还有以此为题的流行歌呢
She's so pretty, she's so grouchy.
她好美丽，她好有个性
That is inappropriate counter display. You take it down.
吧台上不应该放这种东西，收回去
You take down the price and I will.
你把涨的价收回去，我就照办
No, it is free market. I charge what I want. I am the boss.
不要，这是自由的市场。价格多少，我说了算。我可是老板
Max, someone left a stack of newspapers filled with cue-pons, and look, a double for Duncan Hines.
麦克斯，有人落下了一叠满是折"家"券的报纸，你瞧，邓肯蛋糕粉双倍折价呢
Could this day get any better?
今天还能更完美点吗
Oh, and tables four, seven and eight want their checks.
对了，第4、7、8号桌，要结账
Okay. Have 'em ready right here.
好的。随时准备出击
Max, no, that is private!
麦克斯，不行，那是私密物品
Here's your check.
您的账单
And a little something extra, compliments of women without three quarters everywhere.
附赠一点小礼物，赠给没有随身携带75分钱的女士们
Thank you very much.
感谢您的莅临
I don't know about your flow, so I gave you a regular and a super.
我不知道您的流♥量，所以我给了您普通型，跟大流♥量型
Max, have you no shame?
麦克斯，你有没有羞耻心啊
Nope. Ladies, at that time of the month, I invite you to think of this man.
没有。女士们，每个月姨妈到访时，我请你们想想这男人
This man, Han Lee, right over here.
就这男人，李憨，那边那位
The man who thinks your menses should be more expenses.
就是这男的决定，让大家月事变"贵"事
Okay, okay, I will lower the price back to a quarter.
好了，好了，我会把价钱还原，降回25分钱
And that is end of discussion, period. Oh.
此话题结束，画下句点。哎哟
Tampons for everyone.
棉条赠贵宾
Max, you are the Norma Rae of feminine hygiene.
麦克斯，你简直就是女性卫生界的诺玛蕾啊
It's so windy.
今天风真大
Choosing coupon shopping over going to see your son again?
折价券采购又大过去见你儿子了吗
That's a keshame.
真是"科耻"啊
In the Lifetime movie version, this is where they take you away as an unfit mother. And I don't cry.
如果这是生活台的剧，剧情便是，你这个不称职的母亲被带走了。然后我完全无动于衷
I'm sorry, but I just saw that all these cake mix cue-pons expire today.
对不起嘛，可我看到这些蛋糕粉折"家"券今天到期
I'll be real quick. Ten minutes, in and out.
我很快就搞定。进去出来，只要10分钟
If I had a cue-pon for every time I heard that from a guy.
每次有男的这么说，我能拿折"家"券的话...
Here, start going through these papers and look for the cake mix double cue-pon.
给，翻翻这报纸，找找里面送的双倍蛋糕粉折"家"券
If I combine these with the in-store bonus,
如果用双倍折价再加上店内返现
not only will we get the lower cue-pon mix price,
我们不止能用超低折"家"价买下蛋糕粉
but they will actually give us $23 back!
还能拿到23块的现金返现呢
I'll give you $24 to stop saying cue-pon.
我愿意给你24块钱，拜托别再说折"家"券
Come on, start pulling out the ones for the cake mix. It'll be a breeze.
来吧，从这堆报纸里整理出折"家"券吧，就跟秋风扫落叶般容易
No, that was a breeze.
这才叫秋风扫落叶
My cue-pons!
我的宝贝折"家"券啊
The fact that you're more worried about your coupons than your hair shows how far you've fallen.
你不在乎头发乱了，只在乎你的折价券，你的堕落程度可见一斑呀
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
我的天啊，真不敢相信
Max, it's the Williamsburg Cue-pon Queen.
麦克斯，她就是"威廉斯堡折"家"券女皇"
Where'd she leave her crown, in the minivan?
她的后冠放哪了，手推车里吗
This is so exciting. I have to go pay my respects.
太兴奋了，我要去致上我的敬意
We don't have time for this. Just throw the cake mix into the cart or we'll miss the train.
我们可没时间。快把蛋糕粉扔进手推车，否则就赶不上火车了
There, calm down, have a treat. I'll be right back.
给，淡定，吃颗糖吧。我马上回来
Excuse me, your highness, but aren't you the cue-pon queen?
打扰您了，女皇殿下，您就是折"家"券女皇本尊吧
I'm Caroline.
我是卡洛琳
Freddie, and I can't talk right now because if I lose my place--
我是弗雷迪，我现在没空闲聊，因为如果我失去我的地位
you'll lose your mind! I'm gonna lose... my... mind...
您会疯掉的。我会疯...掉...的
I know. You say that on your show.
我知道，您在节目上说过
I won't bother you, but I think you'll be excited when I tell you that it's only my second day
我不会打扰您的，可如果我告诉您，我折价生涯才开始第二天，
and I already learned how to make money on the purchase of cake mix.
我就已经学会如何利用买蛋糕粉挣钱了，您一定倍感欣慰
All I have to do is buy 40 boxes and we get the--
我只需买够40盒，就可以拿到...
Store bonus, yeah.
商店返现，没错
Cake mix... That's a rare cue-pon. Where'd you find it?
蛋糕粉，这种折"家"不常有啊。你怎么发现的
Yesterday's circulars. Didn't you see it?
昨天的传单啊，你没看见吗
I missed it. Go to the truck and get the stockpile of circulars.
我错过了。去车上把那堆传单拿来
Look at him go.
瞧他跑得多快
You're sweeping the shelves.
你居然大肆扫货
On your show, you said sweeping the shelves was out of line.
你在节目上说，大肆扫货是犯规的
Max! These are mine, I was here first.
麦克斯！这些是我的，我先来的
I think she's probably gonna be here last, so let's go, we don't need these.
我觉得奋战到最后的肯定是她，走吧，我们不需要这些
We do, if we don't get 40 boxes, they won't be free.
就要，如果我们不拿够40盒，这些就不能免♥费
I've met actual queens and this isn't royal behavior.
我见过真正的女皇，你一点女皇范都没有
Max, she just body-checked me.
麦克斯，她刚刚推我了
Push me again and I will report you to the American embassy. Max, get in here.
再推我，我就去美国大使馆举报你。麦克斯，过来
Oh, we got a problem? Oh, we got a problem. Oh, hell no!
想找茬是吧？要找茬来啊。去死吧
What do we do?
怎么办
You step away and pretend you didn't do it. That's what you do.
袖手旁观，装不知情就行了。就像这样。
24，25
24, 25--
You're making me wait, now aren't ya?
你就是故意让我等，不是咩
Just till I get to 40.
等我数到40就好了
26，27，28
26, 27, 28.
Come on, I'll buy it for you.
拜托，我买给你好了
Come on, take up the bitch on his offer and let's go see Chestnut.
对啊，成全那个傻帽吧，咱们快去看栗宝吧
Max, shh, I'm counting.
麦克斯，闭嘴，我数数呢
If we don't have the exact right mix-to-coupon ratio we won't get our free money.
如果我们的蛋糕粉跟折价券的比例不对，就拿不到免♥费的钱了
Okay, where was I?
好了，我刚数到哪里了amateur.
真业余
Real mature, your highness. We have places to go.
你专业，女皇殿下。我们还有地方要去呢
Okay, 40. Take it away, Tanya.
好了，40。结吧，塔尼娅
Wait, what is this?
慢着，这是什么
This isn't Duncan Hines, it's Pillsbury.
这不是邓肯海恩的，这是贝氏堡的
Where did this come from?
打哪儿冒出来的
I put it in.
我放进去的
You can't do that.
你不能这么做
It has to be all Duncan Hines.
必须全部都是邓肯海恩的
I needed Pillsbury.
我要用贝氏堡的
Well, you can't have it.
不行
I need it! Why?
我要用！为什么
I need it! Why?
我要用！为什么要用
That's the secret ingredient.
因为秘方就是它
I throw a spoon of Pillsbury in the Duncan Hines.
我放一勺贝氏堡进邓肯海恩里
Pillsbury? That's what makes it you?
贝氏堡？是它成就了你
That's what makes it more delicious.
是它成就了美味可口的小蛋糕
Tanya, stop, flag on the play.
塔尼娅，停下，有人犯规
Here, take this back and get me another.
给，把这个放回去，拿过别个来
You know what, I'm just gonna go see Chestnut while I still have time.
趁我还有时间，我要去看栗宝了
No, Max, please take this back and get me another one.
别，麦克斯，拜托换一个回来嘛
You're the one who wanted to use the store-bought mix instead of making your own from scratch.
是你自己要用超市的蛋糕粉，而不是一开始就自制原料
So go back and get me another mix.
所以回去给我换一盒吧
I used the mix because I don't know how to make my own.
我之所以用超市的，是因为我做不出自制
No one ever taught me. No one taught me how to bake.
没人教我。没人教我烘培
No one taught me how to use tampons. No one taught me anything.
没人教我用卫生棉条。没人教我任何事
You still think I should send my mom a better gift?
你还觉得我应该送份好点的礼物给我妈吗
And no one taught you how to check out, either.
我猜也没人教你怎么结账吧
I'm going.
我要走了
Max.
麦克斯
You need to get another mix, now don't ya?
你得去换一盒蛋糕粉，不是咩
I'll go get it, won't take a minute.
我马上就去，很快回来
Who's the queen now?
高下立见了吧
Hey, my dude. Look at you and your fancy coat.
嘿，伙计。瞧你珠圆玉润，锦衣华服
Retirement looks good on you.
退休生活过得挺滋润啊told you I'd come by to see you.
说过会来看你
Hooked you up with some carrots.
给你带了爱吃的胡萝卜
Bugs Bunny status, like I know you like.
兔八哥的那种，我知道你喜欢
I, uh, I don't know if you got my text.
不知道你收到我短信了没
Probably not a great signal in here, but...your mom might be a little late.
这里信号不太好吧，但...你妈要晚点来
She's coming though 'cause I know she's dying to see you.
她一定会来的，我知道她超级想见你的
All right, man, who am I kidding? She's not coming.
算了，我在骗谁呢。她不会来了
I know that's hard to hear, and trust me, mothers not showing up, I've been there.
我知道这很残酷，相信我，苦等老妈不出现对我来说是家常便饭
But, I know wherever she is, she is thinking of you.
但无论她人在哪里，她都会想着你
Okay, that's not true either. Here's the thing.
好吧，这也是假的。告诉你件事
Your mom is a flake.
你妈靠不住
And you got two options, you can sit around feeling sorry for yourself
你有两个选择，要么坐在这里自怨自艾
or you can say, "Hey, my mom's not here.
要么自言自语，说"我妈不在
"I can watch tv all day and then go kick in a neighbor's window because I feel like it."
我可以看一整天电视，然后跑去踹邻居的窗户，只因我心血来潮"
Hey. Hey, look at me.
喂。喂，看着我
The fact that she's not here is not your fault. It's hers.
她不来，不是你的错，是她的错
There, I just saved you, like, 14 inappropriate sexual encounters.
瞧，幸好有我鼓励你，你才不会误入歧途，到处乱搞
Hi, Chestnut! Hi, baby. I missed you.
栗宝，宝贝，我想你
I missed you so much. Did you miss me?
我好想你哦，你有想我吗
So you got all the cake mix?
你最后把蛋糕粉如数拿齐了吗
Yes, plus the $23.
对，还拿到了那23美元
And I got you your Pillsbury as well. Paid full price-- it killed me.
我帮你买了贝尔堡的蛋糕粉。全价买的，真要命
You are a freak with the coupons.
你就是折价券怪胎
I know. I don't know what came over me.
我知道。我也不知道我当时中什么邪了
When I found a way to make free money I forgot about everyone else.
我学到了免♥费得馅饼的方法后，我就把其他人抛诸脑后了
Oh, my God. Like my father. Max, I have Ponzi DNA.
天啊。就好比我父亲。麦克斯，我有骗子基因
Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.
是啊，折"骗"券基因
Must have been hard learning to do everything on your own.
从小就得什么都自学很辛苦吧
I mean, I don't know how to do any of that stuff either, but, I had a staff of 20.
我是说，我也不会做你刚说的每一件事，可是，我有20个人伺候我呢
Yeah, I got staph at 20.
我20的时候还被葡萄球菌伺候过呢
You know, you may think your secret ingredient is a spoonful of Pillsbury, but it's not.
你可能觉得你的秘方是一勺贝尔堡，其实不然
It's you. It's everything you've been through that makes you who you are.
是你。你所经历的一切造就了今天的你
Someone who fights for a box of tampons and fights for a horse's feelings
会为了一盒卫生棉条或一匹马的感受而奋战
and even fights for a box of cake mix when a friend in the middle of a cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.
甚至当有朋友深陷折价券不能自拔时，你甚至还会为了一盒蛋糕粉，代友出征
This is the part in the lifetime movie version where I get up to pee.
如果这是生活台的剧，那剧情就是我该起身尿尿了
I don't know who you're kidding.
我不知道你想骗谁
You watch the entire movie and then you cry.
剧情应该是，你看完整部电影，然后你号啕大哭
Listen to her, Chestnut. She thinks she has me all figured out.
瞧她那口气，栗宝，她自以为多了解我
What she doesn't know is that when it comes to the cupcakes, I have another secret, secret ingredient.
她不知道其实小蛋糕我还留了一手，我有个超级秘方
Oh, don't tell me it's a pinch of Betty Crocker.
别告诉我是少量贝蒂妙厨的蛋糕粉
I can't tell you. It's a secret ingredient.
我不能说，这可是秘方
Okay, it's chocolate methamphetamine.
好吧，是巧克力味的兴♥奋♥剂
No, it's true. Our slogan should be:
不，是真的。所以我们的口号是
They're so good, you'll rob your grandmother.
小蛋糕如此美味，让你六亲不认