旅行癖（2018）

我不知道
So... I don't know.
也许我做不到
I mean, maybe I couldn't.
-你知道吗 -做不到什么
- You know? - Couldn't what?
不是不告诉你
I mean as opposed to not...
或不想告诉你
..Telling you. Not wanting to tell you.
这很尴尬
I mean, it's embarrassing.
不是吗
Isn't it?
很丢脸
It's shameful.
这可是我的工作 天呐
I mean, it's my job, for Christ's sake!
我并不是...
It's not as if I don't...
不去想那些...
..Think about it all th...
绝对不可能不去想的
It's impossible not to, surely.
你是说如果你当初接了电♥话♥会怎样
You mean if you'd taken the call?
你会想如果你当初接了乔舒亚的电♥话♥
You mean you think about what you might have been able to do
你也许能做到什么
had you accepted Joshua's call?
或者只是倾听
Or maybe just listened.
只是听电♥话♥
I mean just listened.
你懂吗
You know?
把我的工作做好
Done my job.
这个感觉很糟糕不是吗
It's an awful feeling, isn't it?
这种感觉...
The feeling of...
"如果我当时说了或者做了什么"
"If only I'd said this, or done that".
其实上周你自己说了
You said it yourself, in fact, last week,
是因为这种责任
it's... it's the responsibility.
不 那不是...
Well, no, that, that, that, I...
我不同意这个说法
That I don't agree with.
好吧
Ok.
不 我喜欢有责任
No, I like responsibility.
负责任很好
Responsibility's good.
我觉得我们应该负起责任
I think we should be held accountable.
那是我们的工作
That's the job.
我们就该把这些放在心上
They OUGHT to get under our skin.
所以不是因为这个
So that isn't what this is.
我觉得不是
I don't think.
这不一样
This is different.
我是不知道要做什么
This is me not knowing what to do.
因为...
Because...
或者应该做了什么
..Or should've done.
或者是为什么
Or really even why.
他当时一定翻到非常孤立无援
I mean, how alone he must have felt...
真真切切地...
..Really and truly...
才会做出那种事
..To do that.
他才会觉得...
For him to feel... I mean,
那是一种选择
that is... That it was a viable alternative.
这不合理
It doesn't make sense.
我无法理解
I can't...understand it, you know?
他真是个傻瓜
I mean, what an idiot!
彻头彻尾的傻瓜
What an honest to God...
老实说我有时真的这么觉得
..Is honestly sometimes how I feel about it.
就是这样的感觉
How it feels, you know?
别再试图把你放置在
I mean, stop trying to make yourself
你不幸的中心
the centre of your own misfortune.
你有个很棒的爱你的妻子
You have an amazing wife. She loves you.
所以...
So...
我不知道...
I don't know...
怎么回事 也不知道为什么
..What any of it, or why any of it.
你又沉默了
You've gone quiet again.
你也是
So have you.
你在想什么
What are you thinking about?
你又在想什么
What are you thinking about?
好吧
OK. Well...
我在想...
..I'm thinking about...
我对你的责任
..my responsibility towards you.
在想
Thinking about
什么时候停止讨论一些事才合适
when it feels appropriate to push back on certain things,
什么时候不该停止
and when it doesn't.
也许我有点害怕告诉你真♥相♥
How, perhaps, I'm a little afraid to tell you the truth,
害怕逼你深入讨论一些事
of really taking you to task on one or two things you said.
因为我看出来你在难过
Because I can see that you're upset,
你现在很脆弱
and you're vulnerable.
我也看得出你现在被困住了
But I can also see that you're stuck.
然后我在思考
And then, I suppose, I'm thinking also about
一些反复出现的
certain words and phrases which seem to keep cropping up...
词语和短语 比如控制
..popping up again and again. Erm, control.
井井有条 责任
Organised. Responsibility.
意义 感受 闹腾
Meaning. Feeling. Fuss.
当然
And, of course,
我如果说
I would be lying if I said that I...
我没在思考
..I wasn't thinking about how
死亡有有多不公平
desperately, desperately unfair,
多难以理解和难以承受
and incomprehensible, and unbearable,
那就是说谎
death is.
死亡会改变一切
How it changes everything,
然而始终
and yet all the while,
什么都改变不了
changing absolutely nothing whatsoever at all.
这真是糟透了
How...really truly shit that is.
悲痛给我们带来的感觉糟透了 乔伊
How really truly shit grief can make us feel, Joy.
然后 我回想我们对话的开头
And then, if I think back to the start of our conversation,
在你母亲去世后
how you coped with the unintelligibility of the world,
你应对了世界的难懂性
after the death of your mother,
你通过在其他地方制♥造♥问题
how you took back some level of control by,
夺回了一定的控制权
in a way by making or creating problems for yourself elsewhere.
然后 如果我再...
And then, if I take a moment...
等等 等等 我不明白
Wait a minute, wait a minute, I don't understand.
好的
Ok.
你没说清楚
You're not being clear.
好吧
OK. Well...
乔伊 我觉得有意思的是
Well, I suppose it's interesting to me, Joy,
你和艾伦初次相遇时
that when you and Alan first met,
你仍跟劳伦斯在一起
and you were still in a relationship with Lawrence,
你并没有制♥造♥问题
you didn't behave disruptively.
你可以说是表现得很体面
You behaved as it were, erm, perfectly honourably.
之后你母亲去世了
And then, in the wake of your mother's death,
不管是因为什么 你当时决定
you decided, for whatever reason,
和现在的伴侣保持距离
to keep your current partner at bay.
远离他 那个男人是你自己...
Away. A man you yourself, erm...
那又怎么样
So what?
我不...
I don't...
那他妈又怎么样
I mean, so fucking what?
我做了件蠢事
I did a stupid thing.
我是说
I mean...
老天 我当时很难过
Jesus, I mean, I was upset.
我还是个孩子
I was a child!
我没说那件事很蠢 乔伊
I wasn't suggesting it was stupid, Joy.
事实上恰恰相反
Quite the opposite, in fact.
因为当然了 这里有问题是好事
Because, of course, a problem over here is a good thing.
因为这里有问题
Because having a problem over here means not thinking,
代表不必思考或处理
not having to think about, or deal with this great big,
另一边更大的问题
other sink-hole of a problem over here.
这意味着控制 责任
It means control, responsibility,
义务 自主♥权♥
accountability, autonomy.
但为了得到这个
But, in order to have that,
必须在其它地方造成严重破坏
it means having to wreak havoc elsewhere.
你明白了吗
Do you see?
在离真正问题很远的地方
All the way, way, way, way, way over here...
制♥造♥灾难
..exploiting a catastrophe
来屏蔽内心的变化
in order to block internal change.
我思考你的现状
And when I think about your current situation,
和眼下的情况
thinking about things as they currently stand,
回想整件事的开始
thinking back to where it all started -