英村脑残故事（2017）

It's just malicious lies, that's all it is.
就因为她的恶毒诽谤 我是无辜的
They're jealous of what God give me downstairs.
他们就是嫉妒老天所赐予我的下♥体♥
Yeah. And now I've got nothing left.
嗯 现在我一无所有了
You've got me, Dad. Nothing left.
你还有我呢 爹 一无所有
I peeped once, in '78, and I didn't like it.
我只偷♥窥♥过一次 78年 我不喜欢那感觉
I didn't like it one slice.
一丁点都不喜欢
No. And I vowed to myself to never peep again.
我信你 我当即就发誓绝不再偷♥窥♥
Yeah.
嗯
Tell a lie, I peeped just once more.
刚说谎了 之后我又偷♥窥♥了一次
Just to make sure I didn't like it.
为了确定我不喜欢偷♥窥♥
That was in '89. And I didn't like it that time, neither.
89年 那次偷♥窥♥体验也并不好
No. I mean, I'm a milkman by trade, Ker.
嗯 我是个偷♥情♥圣手 Ker
Don't you think I've got better things to do?
我哪还用得着偷♥窥♥别人
It's all right, Dad, the truth has to out.
没事的 爸 总会真♥相♥大白的
No, it don't, Ker. The next thing you know
不会的 Ker 被举报后
you get a call from the police
我接到警局电♥话♥
who say they've got CCTV footage that absolutely nails you
他们说监控头都把我录下来了
and your DNA all over a tennis racket cover.
而且网球拍罩上都是我的DNA
I'm sorry, Ker, but it's an absolute stitch-up.
让你失望了 Ker 但这绝对是陷害
It's all right, I'll look after you, Dad.
没事我会照顾你的 爸
Oi!
嗷
Ah, leave it, Ker.
别管他 Ker
Leave it.
别管了
It's only Alan.
是Alan
Bloody Alan. Fucking little snake.
混♥蛋♥Alan 鬼鬼祟祟
So, basically, Slugs is going to have his date with Kayleigh
基本上呢 Kayleigh会跟Slugs先约会
just before my date with her, which actually works in my favour,
然后再跟我约会 正中我下怀
because he'll be setting the bar very, very low.
因为Slugs只会拉低下限
And by the time I get there
所以等我出马的时候
I'll be like a knight in shining armour
我就像那身着耀眼盔甲的骑士
and she'll be like the damsel in distress
而她就是绝望中的少女
and she'll just come running into my arms.
急忙奔向我的臂弯
And if I have to, I will punch him,
必要的话 我会揍Slugs
just to make sure Kayleigh knows she's safe...
好让Kayleigh感到我的无限呵护
..But that will be easy cos it'll be like punching a turkey
但是这个太没挑战 揍他像揍一只火鸡
or any other flightless bird.
或其他飞都飞不起来的鸟
That's sweet, innit?
多可爱 不是吗
That reminds me of Kayleigh cos it looks so cute.
这可爱的小模样让我想起Kayleigh
Oh, here he comes, slithering in, snake in the grass.
他来了 不声不响就蹿进来了 蛇一样阴险
'Thing is with Kayleigh, yeah,
关于Kayleigh呢
'is that she's got to accept I'm damaged goods
她必须接受我这个受过情伤的人
'and we will have to take it slow,
我们需要时间慢慢消化
'but time does heal even the most cruellest of hearts.'
但时间可以治愈最冷酷的心
I'm not saying I've got a cruel heart,
我不是说我冷酷
but if she ain't willing to take me as I am
但如果她不愿理解真实的我
rather than the monster I've become,
而是视我为怪物
then she can literally just jog on back to sea
那她就可以离开我回到人群中了
with all the other fish cos I don't care.
和其他人在一起 反正我不在乎
God, you still haven't made your mind up?
天啊你还没决定买♥♥哪个吗
Jeez. It's just a date, mate.
天啊不就是个约会嘛老弟
That's all it is. You're not meeting the Queen.
多大点事 又不是要拜见女王
'Me and Kayleigh, we're like Beauty and the Beast, yeah?'
我跟Kayleigh就像美女与野兽
And I'm like the Beast,
当然啦我是那个野兽
cos the Beast has got massive trust issues
因为野兽不信任他人
with being fucked over massive in the past, yeah?
因为他有一段糟糕的过往 对不对
And Slugs is like Gaston...
Slugs就像是反派加斯顿
'No, he's worse than Gaston,
他都不如加斯顿
'he's like Gaston's fat, horrible little sidekick
他是加斯顿的矮挫胖小跟班
'that follows him around everywhere.
加斯顿走哪里跟到哪里
'Like, what I love about Kayleigh is the fact
我爱Kayleigh是因为呢
'that she's so sweet and she's so bubbly.'
她是个招人疼的元气少女
Her going on a date with Slugs, I don't mind.
她跟Slugs约个会 我不会放在心上
Like, most blokes would go absolutely mad, and, like, fly off the handle about it.
换了一般人肯定气疯了 出离愤怒那种
'But I don't mind, I'm chilled,
但是我不介意 我很放心
'because at the end of the day I know she's only doing it'
因为我终将意识到她这么做
cos she's so kind that she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
只是因为她善良到不想伤害Slugs
Is that what you're getting?
你最后就选了那么丑的
I didn't say anything.
我啥也没说
'What do you look for in a boyfriend?
你希望找什么样的男朋友
'Like, clean...'
嗯 干净
Got their own car.
有自己的车
Cos I had a boyfriend once, but...
我以前有过一个男朋友
..Like, by the end, I was just giving him lifts everywhere.
但最后我感觉我只是他的司机
I mean, I love the way she looks,
我就喜欢她的样子
but I actually love her personality
但我更喜欢她的性格
just as much because she'll light up a room.
闪亮得好像她能照亮整个房♥间
'If there was a group of people,
就好像一群人里
you would just see her from a mile off
远远的你一眼只看得见她
'because she just stands out because she's got so much energy'
因为她就是很显眼 精神饱满
and, yeah, that's why I love her, I think.
我觉得这就是我爱她的原因
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 730
女士们先生们 欢迎乘坐730航♥班♥
departing Los Angeles International.
我们将在洛杉矶国际机场起飞
This is your captain Martin Mucklowe speaking.
我是机长Martin Mucklowe
Our flight time today will be 12 hours and we should be arriving at Frankfurt
本次航♥班♥为12小时 我们将抵达法兰克福
at approximately 1600 hours local time.
届时为当地时间下午4点
I shall now pass you over to my co-pilot Kerry,
接下来将由副机长Kerry
who has some information on the weather.
向大家播报天气情况
Hello, this is Kerry, your co-pilot, speaking.
大家好 我是副机长Kerry
The weather on our route is good
本次航线的天气状况良好
and the forecast is it'll be sunny in Frankfurt when we arrive.
抵达法兰克福时将会是晴天
'Well, I think that Kerry would like a closer relationship with her dad,'
我认为Kerry确实想跟她爹更亲近
but, to be fair to Martin...
但是 至于Martin
..He tries.
至少在努力
I don't need to work, Ker.
我不需要工作Ker
My bank is the fruity at the Keeper's.
Keeper的老虎机是我的钱袋子
Right. When you get two nudges on the cherries,
嗯 当你摇出两个樱桃时
hit the cancel,
点取消
take the Mega Trail.
走超级线
Won't pay out jackpot but it'll give you a tenner.
你不会赢大奖 但能领个10英镑
Put the tenner back in, and on the next hold, hold them all.
把这10英镑放回去 下次押注时都压上
Jackpot.
大奖
I cost the landlord 50 grand a year.
我每年赢老板50000
And there's nothing he can do about it.
他也不能把我怎样
'My dad's a legend in this village.'
在我们村我爸就是个传说
Once I was walking up Purley Crescent
有次我走在珀利新月路上
and these like smackheads from Swindon
有帮像是斯文顿来的瘾君子
were about to start on me, to mug me.
大概是想对我下手抢点钱
And I go, "Hang on a sec, do you know who my dad is?"
然后我说"知道我爸是谁吗"
And they go, "It's not Martin Mucklowe, is it?"
他们说"不是Martin Mucklowe吧"
And I go, "Yeah, it is." And they go, "Oh, sorry, mate."
我说"恭喜答对了" 他们就"哦对不起"
And they go, "Oh, your dad's a legend, by the way."
还加了句"你♥爸♥确实是个传说"
And I go, "Yeah, I know."
我说"我知道"
What do you think of that?
那声你觉得怎样
Use the diaphragm.
全靠横隔膜
I mean, my lungs are so strong
我是说 我肺特强
I could blow up a hot water bottle.
吹爆一个热水袋不在话下
And watch again.
来 再看一次
Something you won't know,
说点你不知道的吧
Ker, is the last Thursday of every month
Ker 每个月的最后一个星期四
I used to play pool with Fred West.
我都会跟Fred West打台球
What? I know he's done some iffy things,
什么 我知道他有时候神神道道的
but as a builder he was top-notch,
但他可是个顶尖的建筑工人
best in the West Country.
英国西南部最棒的
Really? We'd say, "West, best in the West."
真的假的 我总说"小西小西 西部第一"
And he'd laugh, he'd say, "Stop, Martin!"
然后他总是笑 跟我说"Martin别逗了"
He could hold four bits of four-by-four, one-handed.
他能单手拿住四块10厘米厚木板
And there's only one other bloke that can do that...
这只有另一个人也能做到
and that's my old man.
他就是我老爹
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,
女士们先生们 早上好
we've started our descent into Frankfurt Airport
我们即将在法兰克福机场降落