英村脑残故事（2017）

She's not happy. 'I thought the dish was cooked beautifully.
她不开心了 "我觉得菜都做得很好"
'Your venison is wonderful and soft.
"鹿肉尝起来绝妙鲜嫩"
'Your celeriac puree is wonderful and creamy.
"芹菜泥味道很好并且口感细腻"
'Your beetroot melt in your mouth.
"甜菜根入口即化"
'The crispness of your little rissoles, which crumble on the outside
"你做的小炸鱼饼 酥脆得表皮都崩碎了"
'they're really lovely and shredded on the inside.
"内里还是松软鲜嫩的"
'But the thing for me is,
"但是于我而言"
it all needs a little bit more seasoning.'
"它们在调味上都欠点火候"
She's livid, look.
她气得脸皮都青了 看
'The venison needs a decent...'
"鹿肉需一些适度的"
You know what? I actually can't watch this, sorry, Kerr.
你知道吗 我真的看不下去了 对不住 Kerr
Oh, no, don't. That is utter torture.
哦 别啊 不要 这简直是酷刑
Can't take Gramps four hours to drive from Gloucester.
从格洛斯特开车接爷爷过来都不需要四个小时
That's only a half an hour drive.
这离监狱才一个半小时的路程
It does. It actually does cos he goes at 5mph
要的 真的要 因为他只开每小时五英里
and he likes to be the only person on the road,
他喜欢路上只有他一人的感觉
so whenever he sees a car coming the other way
所以无论何时他看到其他车道上有车了
he just pulls over.
他就靠边停住
Yeah.
好吧
Don't do that.
别抠了
God, Kerr...I watched the most fucked up thing last night.
天呐 Kerr 我昨晚看了一部特操蛋的东西
What?
什么东西
It was this real-life documentary,
是一部现实纪录片
yeah, about this Nasa experiment,
嗯 关于美国宇航局的实验
yeah, where they sent this monkey into space in its own spacecraft.
他们用自造的航♥天♥器把一只猴子送上了太空
But when it hit a certain altitude
但是到达一定的海拔高度之后
the monkey's head just exploded like a grape.
那只猴子的头就像颗葡萄一样爆了
So they sent this other monkey into space...
所以他们又送了另一只猴子上天
Yeah? ..In its own spacecraft.
然后呢 用的他们自己的航♥天♥器
And they sorted the altitude problem out but,
这次他们解决了海拔难题 但是
cos the scientists were so obsessed with doing that,
由于科学家们沉迷于这个问题
they totally forgot to teach the monkey
他们完全忘了教猴子
how to navigate its craft,
怎样驾驶航♥天♥器
so he just got lost in space for all time.
所以它就在太空中走失了
Which I think is far worse, to be fair.
我觉得这个更糟糕 老实说
What?
干嘛
Well, go to sleep then, Sue, rather than shouting down here the whole time
那你就去睡啊 Sue 别一直在这儿鬼吼鬼叫的
you stupid old bat.
你个蠢透了的老太婆
Oh, well done!
你做的好事
Yeah?
怎么了
Me and Kerry's mum do not see eye to eye.
我和Kerry的妈妈不太对付
We've had some proper stand-up blazing rows.
我们曾经面对面站着 吵得剑拔弩张
Actually, just me stand-up - she's always in bed.
实际只有我站着 她一直睡在床上
Cos, see, I live with my nan and we like things in a certain way.
因为 你看 我和我奶奶生活在一起 我们都喜欢井井有条
We like to know where everything is.
倾向于知道东西都放在哪
But Kerry and her mum,
但是Kerry和她妈
they're just like two pigs rolling around in their own muck.
她们就像泥潭里翻滚的两条猪
Mum says you've got to leave.
我妈说你必须得走
What? Why? Cos you called her an old bat.
什么 为什么 因为你叫她老太婆
She is an old bat.
她就是老太婆
You've got to leave now, mate. Yeah...I heard her.
你得出去了 兄弟 嗯 我听见了
Bye, Sue.
回见了 Sue
I'm still here!
我还在这儿呢
If you want to have a laugh but also be physically sick,
如果你又想要笑又想要觉得恶心的话
just watch Kerry's mum put her sandals on.
就去看Kerry的妈妈穿凉鞋
It's disgusting.
恶心极了
They're like two...
就像两
Her feet are like two blocks of spam, yeah?
她的脚就像两盘肉罐头
And watching her trying to squeeze them into
看着她用尽全力只为了把那对脚挤进
her Birkenstocks is...
她的勃肯凉鞋里就像
Get your mum to say tomato.
让你妈妈说一下番茄
Oh, no, not now. Please.
哦别吧 不是现在吧 求你了
Please.
求你了
Mum!
妈
What's in a BLT?
培根生菜番茄三明治里有些什么
A blt.
培根生菜番茄三明治
Yeah.
好的
Yeah.
还有呢
Yeah, what else do you have?
嗯 还要加些什么
No, but what's the T stand for?
不 但是T代表什么
Yeah.
嗯
What?
啥
What?
什么
I can't stop thinking about that monkey. Yeah, same.
我一直在想那只猴子 是的 我也是
That's the thing, though.
但事实就是这样
They went through hundreds of them in the '60s.
六十年代的时候他们用了几百只猴子
And now every time I see
现在我每每看到
a really bright star in the sky I can't wish on it,
天空中那些明亮的星星时 都无法许下愿望
cos in my head I'm thinking,
因为我的脑子里在想
"That's probably just a spacecraft with some monkey bones in it."
"那可能只是一个装盛了猴子骨骼的航♥天♥器"
Scientists, as well, taught this monkey once how to sign language
科学家们也曾经教这只猴子手语
and it took them six months,
这花了他们六个月
and after six months he finally figured out how to do it
六个月之后它终于知道怎么做了
and all he could bang on about
它喋喋不休的就是
was how his kids had been left in the jungle.
它的孩子们是如何被遗弃在丛林中的
Is that Uncle Nugget now?
是Nugget姑父吗
No.
不是
Yeah, Nugget scares me sometimes.
Nugget姑父有时候让我害怕
Actually, to be honest,
事实上 讲真的
don't tell Kerry this, but I don't really like him.
别告诉Kerry 我不太喜欢他
He is...
他有点
He terrifies me.
他让我害怕
And I don't really want him... coming out of prison,
而且我并不想要他 出狱
to be honest, cos he needs help.
说实在的 他需要帮助
I don't think he's getting the right help he needs.
而且我觉得他没能得到他所需要的那种帮助
And cos Kerry can't see it,
而Kerry没注意到这点
whenever he's around we just end up at each other's throats.
无论何时 他在我们身边时 我们都以激烈争吵告终
Is there anything in there?
有什么东西吗
No.
没
What did you just take out?
你刚拿出了什么
Nothing.
没什么
I seen you just take something out.
我看到你刚才拿了什么东西出来
No, I didn't. Show me your hand.
没 我没有 给我看看你的手
The other one. Hmm?
另一只 哈
The other one.
另一只
What hand? I just seen you take something out.
什么手 我刚看到你拿了些东西出来
I'm just going to the toilet...
我要去趟卫生间
No. Why?
不许 为什么
Open your hand.
张开手
Open it. There's nothing in there.
张开 什么都没有
Open it. What...?
张开 什么
A knob of cheese!
一块芝士
You absolute traitor. That's my cheese
你个叛徒 这是我的芝士
it's my fucking house.
这他妈的是我的房♥子
I wanted to grate...
我就是想磨点
Ow! Sorry.
嗷 对不起
What the actual fuck?
你♥他♥妈♥的干嘛
I'm hungry. You...
我饿了 你
Aargh...
啊
Ow! Right, say sorry now.
嗷 好了 说对不起
Say sorry now.
现在说 对不起
Say sorry now, and then I'll let go.
说对不起 我就放开你
No. Say sorry now and I'll let go.
不要 说对不起 我就放开
Kerry, I'll go fucking apeshit. Say sorry now.
Kerry 我你♥妈♥的♥要发脾气了 说对不起
Say sorry now and then I'll let go.
说对不起 我就放开你
Ow... Say sorry. Say sorry. Say sorry.
嗷 道歉 道歉 道歉
Say it.
说啊
Sorry!
对不起
Absolute idiot.
白♥痴♥
You wouldn't dare. Yeah, I would.
你敢 是的 我敢