英村脑残故事（2017）

"Which of the following is NOT a Spice Girl?"
"下面哪一个不是辣妹"(Mel C是辣妹成员之一)
You know, we've got 15 seconds to answer the question,
你知道 我们有15秒来回答问题
enough time to confer
有足够的时间来确定
you don't have to just jab, jab, jab.
你不需要一直戳戳戳
We can choose the right answer.
我们能选出正确答案的
Sorry. What the fuck?
对不起 什么鬼
I don't know why I did that.
我不知道我为什么这样做
What the fuck? Sorry.
什么鬼 对不起
Mum, what have we got to eat?
妈妈 我们吃什么
What have we got to eat?
我们吃什么
I am looking in the freezer.
我正看着冰箱
What?
什么
What?!
什么
What?!
什么
Shit...
操
I forgot.
我忘了
Oh, fuck's sake. Business going well then, Kerr?
哦 真♥他♥妈♥倒霉 工作干得不错哟 Kerr
Please can I just have some of your pizza, Kurtan? No.
让我吃点你的披萨求你了 Kurtan 不
So selfish today!
你今天真是自私
Oh, yes turkey dinosaurs.
哦 好的 恐龙火鸡块
Yes... Is it all right if I have some, Kerr?
好吧 我能吃一点吗 Kerr
Yeah, if you give me a bit of your pizza.
可以啊 前提是你给我吃一点你的披萨
That's...that's not a fair swap.
那可不是一个公平的交易
Well, don't have any of my turkey dinosaurs, then.
好吧 那别碰我的恐龙火鸡块
Yeah, but I'm the guest. Guest?
是 但是我是客人啊 客人
You're here more than I am, mate,
你待在这里的时间比我还长
and it's my fucking oven.
而且这他妈是我的烤箱
Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
哇哦 哇哦 你干嘛呢
You're letting the heat out, you lummock.
你让热气散出来了 笨蛋
No, I'm going to take your pizza and put it on the bottom shelf.
不 我要把你的披萨放在底下一层
What are you doing, you big oaf?
你在干嘛 你个白♥痴♥
Mine takes longer to cook, Kurtan.
我的要烤得久一点 Kurtan
That is just the way of the law.
这是我的规矩
Yeah, but my pizza, yeah, has to be top shelf
是 但是我的披萨必须放在上面
otherwise it won't cook evenly. Well...
不然它会烤得不均匀 好吧
OK, here we go, here's something for you.
好吧 这样 我有个提议
Why don't you give me some of your crusts?
让我吃点你的披萨
And then I'll let you have top shelf.
我就让你的披萨放在上层
No.
不行
Here we go. This is going to be my best offer. Right...
这样 这是我最好的建议了 好的
Because both of us want top shelf,
因为我们都想要上层
I suggest what we do is cut the pizza in half...
我建议我们把披萨分成两半
We can't do that. No, sorry. Why?
我们不能这么做 不 对不起 为什么
Because I eat my pizza from the inside out, right?
因为我习惯从里往外吃披萨 好么
If you cut it in half, yeah, there's no inside to eat out from.
如果你把披萨分成两半 就没有里面和外面之分了
I don't use the basic slice system, Kerr,
我不习惯吃片状的披萨 Kerr
which is why I get so fussy at Pizza Hut.
这也是我不喜欢必胜客的原因
Why are you crying?
你干嘛哭啊
I'm not crying, I'm just...
我没有哭 我只是
so hungry.
太饿了
I'm really sorry, Kurtan,
我真的很抱歉 Kurtan
but at the end of the day it is my oven
总之这是我的烤箱
so I am going to have top shelf.
所以我要用上层
Just...don't cut my pizza in half, please.
只是 不要把我的披萨切成两半 求你了
I won't. Just chill out.
我不会 放松点
It's just a pizza, Kurtan.
只是一个披萨 Kurtan
Kurtan gets very emotional,
Kurtan非常容易激动
but that's just what we're like in this family.
不过我们一家都是这样
One of my first memories of Nugget is...
我对Nugget最初的记忆就是
we all go round Nan's for christmas Day
我们一起去奶奶家过圣诞节
and she was about to get the spread on
奶奶准备让大家都上桌吃饭的时候
and he was like, Uncle Nugget was like,
他就像 Nugget姑父就像是
"No, I want to watch Chicken Run
"不 我想看<小鸡快跑>
because I've been waiting for this to come out for a year"
因为我等这个已经等了一年了"
cos he loves Aardman Animations, and she was like,
因为他很喜欢阿德曼动画 可奶奶说
"No, we're all going to sit round the table
"不 我们得围着桌子坐下来"
"And we're going to eat the Christmas lunch."
"然后吃圣诞餐"
So he absolutely kicked off.
所以他一下子就生气了
He said, "Well, why can't I just watch it sat on my lap?
他说"好吧 那为什么我不能坐着边看电视"
"And eat my food on my lap."
"边吃东西"
And she was like, "No". She's having none of it.
然后奶奶说 "不行" 她才不吃这一套呢
So he stormed in, he punched a hole in the turkey...
他就气冲冲地冲进来 一拳在火鸡上打了一个窟窿
I started sniggering at this point,
这时候我在一旁偷笑
so he just got...he literally got a ladle of bread sauce
之后他抓 确切的说 他抓了一勺面包酱
and, like, threw it across the... across at me.
然后直直的扔 扔向我
It became a bit of a joke in the family
这件事变成了一个家庭笑话
cos the next year we brought him Chicken Run on DVD,
因为第二年我们特意买♥♥了<小鸡快跑>的光盘
and we thought he was going to absolutely love it and laugh,
我们本以为他会很喜欢 会觉得这个玩笑很好玩
but he really did not find it funny at all.
但是他根本就觉得一点都不好玩
Shall I tell them about why he's called Nugget?
我需要告诉他们为什么他叫Nugget(鸡块)么
You can, but it's a bit boring.
行啊 但是这有点无聊
No. Right, Uncle Nugget, yeah?
才不无聊 好吧 Nugget姑父 对吧
He's called Nugget
他之所以叫做Nugget
because he went in this nightclub
因为他有一次去夜店
and the DJ wouldn't play this song he requested
然后那个夜店的DJ拒绝了放他要求的歌♥
so he got a knife, yeah?
然后他就拿了把刀 对
Cut off half the DJ's scratching thumb,
把DJ的大拇指切掉一半
threw it on the floor
然后把它扔到地上
and some bloke came along
然后有个醉汉正好路过
who's just fucked out of his brains,
那个醉汉醉得不清
picked it up and ate it
他把那半截大拇指捡起来吃了
cos he thought it was a chicken nugget.
因为他以为那是个鸡块
He's called Nugget because his second name's Nuggins.
他被叫做Nugget是因为他姓Nuggins
Where the hell did that come from?
刚刚那些你从哪儿听说的
Seriously? Yeah.
真的吗 嗯
I think that's still part of...
我觉得你这是在
Kurtan went through a very bad lying phase.
Kurtan有段时间特别爱撒谎
Yeah, I did, yeah.
是的 没错
That's the thing, I lied so much
是这样的 我撒太多谎
I still don't know what's real life and what's plain lies.
我现在都还分不清什么是真的 什么是谎言了
Mmm-hmm.
嗯
I'm so glad you're out of that lying phase.
我很开心你现在已经过了撒谎期
There's injustices in this world, so many.
世上有太多的不公了 太多
I experience it in my life every day.
我每天都遭受着这种不公
Like, people look down their nose on me, like...
比如 人们用鼻孔看我 再比如
When I go into the village shop,
当我走进乡村商店时
Mrs Wicks just follows me around like a stale guff
Wicks夫人就像苍蝇一样跟着我
thinking I'm going to nick something.
打定了我会偷点什么似的
Which just makes me so mad.
真是气坏我了
Yeah. Cos you can't nick anything.
是啊 因为这样你就偷不到东西了
Well, yeah, but she doesn't know that.
呃 是的 但是她不知道啊
For all she knows I could be going in there to buy something.
她所知道的就是我可能是去那儿买♥♥点什么
But...you only go in there to nick stuff.
但是 你只是想去店里偷东西
Yeah.
没错
So your point is you want to go in the shop to nick stuff,
所以你想说的是 你想要进店里偷东西
without being followed around by Mrs Wicks?
还不想让Wicks夫人跟着你
That would make my life easier, yes.
这会让我的日子好过得多 真的
What?
干嘛
What?
干嘛啦
She's doing this all...
她总是这
Yeah?
什么事
Right, I'm just going to watch something.
好了 我要看会儿电视
This is winding me up now.
她一定是在整我
Yeah, I'll get some later.
好 我一会就去买♥♥
'..Across the whole of your plate
"对于你们生活的这个世界的一切"
that I actually really, really like.
"我都很喜欢 十分喜欢"
'The only thing I don't like the taste of is the celeriac puree
"我唯一不喜欢的东西就是芹菜泥"
'and the chocolate and tamarind sauce.
"还有巧克力和酸角汁"
'It's sweet, sweet earthiness
"这就像齁甜的 齁甜的土味
and I can't get it to sit happily.'
而我没办法让这味道消停下来"