英村脑残故事（2017）

And if you can't afford to buy a money tree,
如果你买♥♥不起
you just borrow off someone else's money tree.
那就去借别人的
So you've got a money tree loan out. Yeah.
所以你贷到款了 没错
But I'm going to be making 15 grand a month, basic,
但我一个月能赚1万5 起码
so I'll be laughing.
所以我能笑到最后
Yes, the interest rate on that loan is very high,
是的 那笔贷款利息非常之高
but my overheads are low, see?
但我的运营成本很低 懂吗
Because I'm working out of my mum's shed,
因为我在我妈的储物棚里工作
and I have zero staff costs,
而且人工费为零
because I'm not going to be paying Kurtan.
我不打算给Kurtan工钱
But don't tell him that.
别跟他说啊
Can't wait to try this one, Kerr -
等不及要尝一尝了
apple and wheatgrass.
苹果和小麦草
Look at how good this looks, Kerr.
瞧这看上去多棒啊 Kerry
This'll be so good for me, innit?
这喝了肯定很好吧
Yeah. This sweet nectar.
是啊 这杯甘露
How is it?
味道怎样
You all right?
你还好吗
Yeah. Just, I could really taste the grass.
还好 就 感觉在嚼真草
I feel better already. Do you? Really? Yeah, it's weird.
我已经感觉更好了 是吗 诡异
Do you really? Yeah.
真的吗 真的
In what way? Does my skin look any different?
怎么个好法 我的皮肤看上去有什么不同吗
It's... Glowing? Yeah,
容光焕发 是的
It's glowing a bit more, yeah. Is it glowing?
是变亮了点 是吧
I... That's enough now.
我 够了 暂时
That's enough.
够了
Right, have you learned the script?
对了 你看过台词了吗
What script?
什么台词
Are you joking? You are joking, right?
你在逗我吗 你说笑呢 是吧
Yeah. The script I gave you.
是的 我刚给你的台词
Right, OK. Well, read it to me now.
好 那现在念给我听听
Hello.
你好
Hello what?
你好什么
Sir. You haven't learned it, have you?
先生 你还没看过吧
No.
还没
My attitude towards business is sell, sell, sell.
我做生意的态度就是推销 推销 再推销
If you knock on someone's door, this is what Shaz told me,
当你上门推销时 Shaz告诉我
don't take no for an answer.
永远不接受拒绝的答案
Get into their house.
进到他们家里去
If they say, "Leave my house", stay.
如果他们说"滚出去" 继续留着
And if they say, "I'm going to call the police",
如果他们说"我要报♥警♥了"
you walk upstairs and see
那你上楼去
if there's anybody else upstairs to sell to.
看楼上有没有潜在客户
What do I make of Kerry the businesswoman?
我怎么看女商人Kerry
Have you seen the state of her?
你见过她那样子吗
What does she think she looks like in that suit, honestly?
她知道自己穿那身是什么样吗 说实话
She looks like Uncle Fester.
她看上去像费斯特叔叔
I take one look in the mirror in this suit
我看了一眼镜子里穿西服的自己
and I feel proud.
我感到十分骄傲
I used to just dressed in rags.
我以前总是穿得破破烂烂
Now I really feel like I've made it.
现在我真的感觉自己成功了
Can't see her neck. Where's her neck gone?
根本看不到她的脖子 她脖子上哪去了
Hello, madam. Me and my colleague here, from Eternal Vitality...
你好 女士 我们是来自依维的
Right. I'm going to piss in their flowers, then. No, come on.
好 我要在他们家花上撒尿 别这样
What are you two after?
你们俩有什么事
Hello, sir.
你好 先生
Me and my colleague here are from Eternal Vitality Juicing -
我和同事来自依维饮品
a company that offers a wide range of health boosting juices -
我们公♥司♥提供品种广泛的保健蔬果汁
and just wondered if we could borrow a few minutes of your time.
请问能否借用您一点时间
Yeah, I've got a few minutes.
好吧 可以聊几分钟
Eternal Vitality juices slowly release vitamins throughout
依维饮品会在您体内缓慢释放维他命
your body all day, giving you extra energy...
全天候保障您时刻能量在线
And then me wife died on the Thursday.
然后我妻子在周四过世了
Oh, God.
哦 天啊
And me brother died on the Saturday.
我哥哥是周六去世的
And then, me stepson rang me up, and he said, "Dad,
然后 我的继子给我打电♥话♥说"爸爸
"I've found a lump."
我查出了肿瘤"
So that was him gone.
于是他也走了
Grandson dead, stepdaughter dead,
孙子死了 继女也死了
and that bastard only got three years and a slap on the wrist.
那个混♥蛋♥却只判了三年刑 象征性的惩罚罢了
Oh, OK, well, thank you so much for your time,
好的 谢谢您的时间
and we're really sorry that...
我们真的非常抱歉
And then they rung up from the hospital, and they said,
后来他们从医院打电♥话♥过来说
"Could you get down here now,
"你现在能过来一下吗
"Cos they're draining the fluid out your sister's spine?"
他们正在抽掉你妹妹的脊髓液"
"Heart disease", he said.
"心脏病" 他说
And I never smoked a single fag in me life.
我这辈子一根烟都没碰过
Kurtan...
Kurtan
And the doctor, he just shrugged at me like this, look
那个医生 就这样 对我耸耸肩
Aye, like this.
看 就像这样
Yeah. He just shrugged.
嗯 他就只是耸耸肩
Sorry, are you going to actually buy something today?
抱歉 你今天有打算买♥♥东西吗
Eh? Are you going to buy something today?
啊 你要买♥♥东西吗
God, no.
当然不
Ok... Thank you very much for your time.
好吧 非常感谢你的时间
That's all right.
没事
Enjoyed it.
聊得很愉快
See you. Bye.
回见 再见
So, I've let Kurtan take the lead on this one,
这次我让Kurtan打头阵
because, basically, he's just not engaging enough.
因为 怎么说 他不够上心
And he needs to build up his confidence, because, honestly,
而且他需要增强一下自信心 因为真心
I'd be better off carrying around a sad sack of shite with me.
我就算背着一大包屎都比带着他推销得多
How long do you reckon he's been in there for?
你觉得他在里面多久了
Must be like 20 minutes.
肯定有20分钟了
I reckon he's selling loads.
我猜他卖♥♥出去一大堆了
Hello?
你好
Hello, Kurtan?
你好 Kurtan
Do you need any more stock?
你还要存货吗
Kurtan? Four, five, six...
Kurtan 四 五 六
Oh...
噢
Forgot you was outside.
忘了你在外面了
Utterly unprofessional!
太不专业了
Seriously!
真是的
It's your go, innit? Yeah, it's your go.
该你走了 是吧 嗯 该你了
My guide to managing a team is pretty simple, really.
我团队管理方针挺简单的
Make the underlings...
让下属们
feel like shit, because
自我感觉像屎一样 因为
you're the big boss.
你才是大老板
Take up the space.
占据你该有的位置
It's like a bull in a field.
这就如同草原上的公牛
There can't be too many bulls,
不能有太多公牛
because they'll ruin it.
不然这块地就完了
Look, if you don't want to be involved in this business,
听着 如果你不想参与这个生意
then, seriously, just don't be involved.
说真的 那你就别参与
Is that all right?
真的可以吗
The fuck, Kurtan?!
搞毛啊 Kurtan
Seriously!
真心的吗
I thought we were doing this together! It's just...
我以为我们要合伙的 可是
Thing is, OK, it's just so much effort.
只是 这真的好辛苦
Yeah, cos you're not pulling your weight, to be honest.
是啊 因为你没做好该做的
That's why it's so much effort.
所以才会辛苦
It's actually more effort for me...
实际上我更辛苦
And we're in a business meeting
我们这开着商务会议呢
why do you think it's OK to get your phone out? Who is that?
你怎么能把手♥机♥拿出来啊 谁啊
No-one.
没谁
What did they say that's so funny, then? You wouldn't get it.
那他说了什么这么搞笑啊 你不会懂的
I would get it. You wouldn't.
我能懂的 你不会懂的
I would get it.
我能懂的
All right, then. He said,
那好吧 他说
"That awkward moment whenan orc lord asks you for a clack handle."
"当兽人王问你要克拉克手柄的尴尬时刻"