善地

The Good Place S01E13

Part 3 Dec. 11, 2019, 8:33 p.m.

不是吧
Man!
这本该是我大放异彩的时刻
This was supposed to be my big moment.
我花了三个小时排练这段台词啊
I just rehearsed that speech for, like, three hours.
可恶埃莉诺你最讨人厌了
Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst,
你们都忍♥受地狱吧
and you can all suck it.
你记得当初
Do you remember what I told you
你预测说你能搞一千年我怎么说的吗
when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years?
创新时代来临了
The time has come to innovate.
「死后世界」可以更有趣
The human afterlife can be more fun.
当然是带给我们乐趣而不是我们折磨的人
For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing.
谁在乎那些蠢货呢
Who cares about those dummies?
我为这项试验准备了完美的人选搭配
I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment.
四个人天生就是彼此之间的噩梦
Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable.
我要设计一个「死后世界」
I am going to design an afterlife
让他们折磨彼此
where they torture each other.
我们试过了
We've tried this.
人类不太愿意折磨彼此
Humans are very reticent to torture each other.
即便是简单的事
Even getting them to do simple things
例如彼此拔牙就好像...
like pulling out each other's teeth is like...
我想不出合适的比喻了
I can't think of the right analogy.
你凭什么觉得你能做到呢
What makes you think that you can get them to do this?
因为他们折磨彼此时还蒙在鼓里
Because they won't even know that they are doing it.
我要让他们误以为自己来到了「善地」
I'm going to make them think that they are in the good place,
为了确保他们会逼疯彼此
and to make sure that they drive each other insane,
我会作为「善地建筑师」亲自过去
I will be there, posing as a good place architect.
我还偷了「善地」的珍妮特来使用
I even stole a good place Janet we can use.
可以把他们推进火坑
Look, we can just send them all
让他们饱受岩浆灼热与蜜蜂叮蛰之苦
to the hot spike pits with the lava and the bees
以及用闪电将他们四分五裂
and the lightning that tears off their flesh.
但来点新鲜的吧
Let's try something new.
我无法预测事情的走向
I cannot predict everything that's gonna happen,
但让我们见招拆招吧
but we'll improvise.
我们会玩得不亦乐乎
We'll be on our toes.
我觉得我们能让他们彼此折磨
I think that we can get them to torture each other...
一千年吧
for 1,000 years.
我觉得你这个小把戏
I think you'd be lucky to get six months
能坚持半年就不错了
out of this insane gambit.
但详细跟我说说
But take me through it.
这要怎么操作
How would this work, exactly?
好好
Yes, all right, so...
这是一千四百万点计划
This is a 14 million-point plan.
不好意思
Sorry.
不是我们预订了会议室吗
I thought we reserved the conference room.
不是托德三点之前都归我们
No, Todd, we have it until 3:00.
抱歉打扰了
Sorry. Sorry, everyone.
这么说这里的居民...
So, everyone else in this neighborhood...
除了你们四个
Except for you four,
所有的居民都是我们的人
everyone in this neighborhood is one of us.
我安排好大家的人设之后
After I came up with everyone's characters,
我们就变着法子创造情境来折磨你们
we'd just create fun scenarios designed to torture you.
我怎么能翻篇儿
How can I be over it?
我们都好几天没说过话了
We haven't discussed it or even spoken for days.
听起来你是过了一个
Well, it sounds like you've had
没有「全职大♥麻♥烦」的假期啊
a really nice vacation from your full-time job.
把话给我讲清楚
Get your story straight.
好了
Okay.
他们吵得不可开交了
They're at each other's throats already.
这会让他们更痛苦
This should put them over the top.
埃德你扮演巴特生前是个私♥家♥侦♥探♥
Ed, you play Bart, a former private eye.
特雷西你是他的灵魂伴侣
Tracy, you're his soul mate,
名叫妮娜婚姻咨♥询♥师
Nina... A marriage counselor.
我们还可以跟他们玩换妻游戏啊
Maybe we can get them to swing with us.
这招太绝了太绝了
That's perfect, perfect!
有人吗我是迈克尔
Hey, guys? It's Michael!
那段时间太好玩了
That was really a fun time.
然后就彻底脱离剧本了
Then it all started to go off the rails.
因为我认错了
When I confessed.
你完全没想到我会那么做
You had no idea I was gonna do that,
因为说实话我也没想到我会那么做
because honestly, I had no idea I was gonna do that.
没错让我们没有一丝丝防备啊
Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
这之后我们都乱了阵脚了
I mean, after that it was just a crazy scramble for all of us.
我实在小看奇迪对你的影响了
You know, I definitely underestimated how effective Chidi was gonna be,
真把你教好了
teaching you to be good,
我们自然也没料到
and obviously, we didn't anticipate
珍妮特会爱上杰森
that Janet would fall in love with Jason.
等下这事是真的啊
Hang on. That part is real.
是啊珍妮特不是我们的人
Yeah. Janet isn't one of us.
她就是基本主机系统
No, she's sort of a... foundational mainframe
所有街区都一台「善恶两地」皆有
for all of the neighborhoods, good and bad.
而显然这个珍妮特爱上了杰森
And apparently, this Janet is in love with Jason.
真是彻底醉了
I mean... What a world, huh?
慢着我不懂
Wait, I don't get something.
我知道我和杰森该来「恶地」但塔哈妮呢
I know why Jason and I were sent here, but why Tahani?
就是你不是为慈善机构募得了一千多万吗
Yeah. Didn't you raise, like, $1,000 for charity, or whatever?
其实是六百亿
$60 billion, actually, so.
但没用...
But it didn't matter...
因为我的初衷很自私
Because my motivations were corrupt.
我根本不在乎那些需要帮助的人
I didn't care about helping the people I raised the money for.
我就是想证明我父母错了
I just wanted to prove my parents wrong,
跟我姐斗气
stick it to my sister,
获得声名而已
get fame and attention.
我真正的目的
My only real goal
就只想在时尚盛典上与瑞恩·高斯林亲热
was to snog Ryan gosling at the Met Ball.
也确实亲热了
Which I did.
还好几次呢
Couple of times, actually.
那为什么奇迪会来这里啊
But wait, why is Chidi here?
这事...
Well...
你们不了解我的全部
There's something you don't know about me.
我看过一篇文章说
I read an article saying that
种植杏仁有害坏境
growing almonds was bad for the environment,
但我还一直往咖啡里加杏仁牛奶...
and yet I continued to use almond milk in my coffee...
才不是啊呆子
No, dingus!
你的顽固与优柔寡断
You hurt everyone in your life
伤害了你生活中的每一个人
with your rigidity and your indecisiveness.
他喵的
Fork!
你说对了
You're right.
每一个朋友每一任女友都被我逼疯过
Every friend, every girlfriend was driven nuts
因为我无法做选择
because I couldn't do anything.
我错过了我妈的背部手术
I missed my mom's back surgery
因为我已经答应了房♥东的侄子
because I had already promised my landlord's nephew
教他如何使用新手♥机♥
that I would help him figure out his new phone.
我给所有人带来了痛苦
I made everyone miserable.
花了这么多心思精心谋划
I mean, all this hard work, all the planning,
全都泡汤了
all for nothing.
真让人不爽
This really sucks.
才不是
No, it doesn't.
这太棒了
This is wonderful.
你了解生前的我们
You saw us all on earth...
一个自私鬼一个缺心眼DJ 一个饱受煎熬的学者
a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic,
一个拥有颜值与美♥腿♥的虚伪千金
a hot, rich fraud with legs for days...
题外话我好像真喜欢上塔哈妮了
side note, I might legit be into Tahani.
这不是重点
But that's for another time.
你原以为我们会彼此折磨
You thought we would torture each other,
我们确实让你得逞了一段时间
and we did for a little,
但我们还彼此照应
but we also took care of each other.
我们让彼此变好了
We improved each other,
我们四个团结一心了
and the four of us became a team.
所以你只做成功了一件事
So, the only thing you succeeded in doing
那就是让我团结起来了
was bringing us all together.
埃莉诺我想到了
Eleanor. That's it!