善地

The Good Place S01E11

Part 1 Dec. 11, 2019, 8:32 p.m.

我要给你们看一些机密敏感信息
Now, I'm about to show you some very sensitive information.
你们每个人生前所为
The final point totals each of you achieved
累积的总分数
for all your actions on earth.
居民分数排行榜
你分数高到爆表啊埃莉诺
Your point total was crazy high, Eleanor.
抱歉「埃莉诺嗨到爆表」是我大学时的绰号♥
sorry, "Crazy high Eleanor" was my nickname in college.
我在迈克尔修复裂洞时
I accidentally saw these point totals
不小心看到过这分数
when Michael was fixing the sinkhole.
给了我灵感
It gave me an idea.
我们用系统来衡量埃莉诺在「善地」的表现
We will apply the formula to Eleanor's actions here in the Good Place,
如果你得到了足够多的新分数
and if you earn enough new points,
就能为你辩护让你留下来了
then we could argue that you should stay here.
-行得通吗 -不知道
- Would that work? - Don't know,
从没证明过谁属于「善地」
never had to prove someone belonged here before.
但法官马上就要过来了
But the judge will be here soon,
这是为她辩护的最佳方式了
and this is the best way to build our case.
「善地」之中
Now, the average point total
平均分
居民平均分数大约为一百二十万分
for a resident here is roughly 1.2 million.
基于你生前的种种表现
Right now, based on everything that you did on earth,
你目前分数为负四千八百分
you have -4,008.
这可不妙
That's not great,
但我会尽力行善
but I'm gonna do nice things
造福这里的居民直到分数涨上去
for every goober in this place until my point total is so high
让他们啪啪啪打脸去吧
I can rub it in all their smug faces.
你刚减了5分
You just lost five points.
「善地」
第十一集
你好你好啊
Hello! Hi, how are you?
肯定有比扶门打招呼
There has to be something bigger I can do
更有意义的事吧
than holding the door and waving.
沃尔玛的迎宾死后没都来「善地」吧
There's no way every Walmart greeter is in the good place.
沃尔什么玛
Wal... mart?
就是普通人常去的地方
It's a place regular people go.
你这种大小姐不会知道
You haven't heard of it.
我知道这事很无聊
Look, I know this is tedious,
但为人扶门可以加三分呢
but holding a door for someone is three points,
如果你为这里的每一个居民都扶一次
and if you do it for everyone in the neighborhood,
一下就能加尽千分了
then that's almost a thousand points for just a start.
另外伟大的事恐怕也干不了
Besides, all the big ticket items are impossible, I'm afraid.
毕竟也是不说
It's not as if you could,
「你能牺牲自己拯救别人」
you know, "Sacrifice your life to save others"
或是「改变国民♥意♥识」
or "Change the consciousness of a nation."
我可都干过哦
Both of which I did, by the way.
很有趣
Such fun.
今天愉快哦
Have a wonderful day.
没用啊
This is pointless.
这表针都没往上走
The ticker isn't even going up,
而且人人都对我冷眼相待
and everyone's giving me the stink eye.
埃莉诺大家都讨厌你
Eleanor, everyone hates you.
去你喵的
Well, fork you too.
不这是好事啊
No, this is good.
现在我们知道了就能做点实事了
Now that we know, we can actually do something about it.
我是调解冲突的专家呢
And I am an expert at mediating conflict,
就像我好友疯疯动动美美贝贝「辣妹组合」like when my friends scary, sporty, posh, and baby
和我另外一个友人图图大主教闹别扭一样
had an issue with my other friend archbishop Desmond tutu.
早上吃水煮蛋的习惯
Yeah, I don't know what I love more
让我都不知道更爱哪一个
about our morning hardboiled egg routine,
是煮蛋还是习惯呢
the eggs or the routine.
其实今早
Actually, this morning,
我在你鸡蛋里准备了一个小惊喜
there's a little surprise in yours.
「我爱你」好萌哦
"I love you." How cute.
我也爱你哦蛋蛋
I love you too, egg.
不奇迪
No, no, chidi,
这是我写给你的话
that... that's me saying that to you.
我爱你
I love you.
这是大事啊
Well, that is... something.
我知道你这段时间很折腾
I know you've gone through a lot,
而我又这么快告白但我就是...
and now I'm throwing this at you, but I just...
我要表达出这份情
I had to tell you how I feel.
我爱你不用回应
I love you. No need to respond.
-太好了 -总有一天
- Great. - Well, at some point,
你会回应吧
you'll respond, right?
就是不着急而已
I just meant no rush.
你想再谈谈鸡蛋吗
You wanna talk about eggs again?
不是这样
This isn't right.
对不起我从没亲过任何人
I'm sorry, I've never kissed anyone before.
一个舌头够吗
Is one tongue okay?
我还可以加多几个
I can add more tongues.
不是这事
No, that's not it.
我们都结婚了但还没告诉你♥爸♥
We're married now, but we still haven't told your dad.
再说一次迈克尔不是我爸
Once again, Michael is not my dad,
我们也不应该告诉他
and we shouldn't tell him.
如果迈克尔得知我们结婚了
If Michael finds out that we're married,
他就会知道你不是塔哈妮的灵魂伴侣
then he'll know you're not tahani's soul mate,
从而得知你不是建宇而是杰森
and then he'll know that you're really Jason and not Jianyu.
他会把你打发到「恶地」
He'd send you to the bad place.
我可不想失去你妹子
I don't want to lose you, girl.
-我不是妹子「人」 -还有啊
- I'm not a girl. - But also,
我不想欺骗大家我们得公开关系
I'm tired of living a lie. We gotta go public.
我不喜欢偷偷摸摸
I hate all this hiding.
我想让我们过上好日子
I want us to have the life we deserve.
「药哥」我们展望下未来吧
Pillboi, let's talk big picture.
你知道我喜欢杰克逊维尔
You know I love Jacksonville.
杰市
J-town.
佛罗里达东北部前十大潮流城市
It's easily one of the top ten swamp cities
妥妥排得上啊
in northeastern Florida,
但我们如果要在DJ界大展拳脚
but if we're gonna make it in the DJ game,
就得去迈阿密
we gotta get to Miami.
迈阿密消费高啊
Miami's expensive.
我们穷得叮当响啊兄弟
We just don't got that skrilla, B.
我全部身家就十块钱
I mean, I got ten bucks to my name,
而我花了八块钱买♥♥了个墨西哥卷饼
and I spent eight of it on this burrito,
剩下两块买♥♥了鳄梨酱
and the other two on guac.
我知道我们怎么办了
I know what we gotta do.
打劫这家饭馆啊
We're gonna rob this restaurant.
好主意
Great idea!
万一被抓了呢
What if we get caught?
我们俩就结婚
We'll just get married
夫妇间不能相互指证
so that no one can testify against us.
高招
Dope.
我拉肚子去个厕所
I got diarrhea. I'll be right back.
我也是看谁先跑到
Me too. I'll race you.
一世好兄弟
Best friends!
感谢大家来前来参加
Thank you all for participating in
「冒牌埃莉诺」的小组座谈会
our focus group for fake Eleanor.
就当成时一个开放论♥坛♥
Think of this as an open forum
你们可以把对她的不满
for you to air any and all grievances
全都发泄出来
that you may carry against her.
我来第二天体验飞行时
I was flying on the second day,
你招来了一场垃圾风暴
and when you caused the trash storm,
我撞上了一只腐烂的火鸡尸还爆♥炸♥了
I crashed into a rotting Turkey carcass, and it exploded.
-天呐 -碎骨头都缠在我头发里
- Dear. - All this cartilage and bone got tangled up in my hair,
我身上全是火鸡尸的皮肤碎屑
and its skin was all over my skin.
我当时跟炸裂的火鸡尸体融为一体了
I didn't know where I ended and the Turkey carcass began.
说点安慰你的话吧
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
你皮肤真好
your skin looks amazing.
我家咖啡店被巨型青蛙给毁了
My cafe got destroyed by the giant frog,
然后我又开了一间结果地裂掉进地洞了
then I reopened it and it fell into the sinkhole.
就跟我一样我也掉进去过
Just like me, I fell in too.
还有谁感觉埃莉诺毁了
Who else feels that Eleanor has ruined
你们来到「善地」后的日子啊
every moment of your existence since you arrived?
真积极我要跟埃莉诺交换下意见