善地

The Good Place S01E12

Part 2 Dec. 11, 2019, 8:32 p.m.

说来话长
That's kind of a long story.
-要先喝几杯 -必须稀罕这种妹子啊
- Gonna need a drink or three. - Definitely my kind of gal.
你们聊吧我和珍妮特是来度蜜月的
You guys have fun. This is me and Janet's honeymoon,
所以我们去整明白怎么做♥爱♥
so we're gonna go try and figure out how to have sex.
我是八十年代的企业律师精英
So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer in the 1980s.
我眼里只有赚钱和吸可♥卡♥因♥
I only cared about making money and doing cocaine.
我待家人也很薄情
And I was pretty carppy to my family as well.
有天晚上我突然顿悟
But one night, I had an epiphany, right?
我这一生得做些善事
I needed to do something good with my life.
所以起草了基金会计划
So I drew up plans for this foundation
这能帮助全世界的儿童
that would help kids all over the world,
能够促进人♥权♥运动彻底改革农业
would advance human rights, revolutionize agriculture,
竭尽所能去改善各个国家与社会的状况
and just improve every nation and every society in every possible way.
-你当时是嗑嗨了吧 -必须的
- You were pretty coked-up, huh? - Yeah, man,
我当时嗨爆了超级爽
I was flying high. It was so awesome.
但说出来吓你一跳
But... you're not gonna believe this...
我真那么做了
I followed through.
第二天一早醒来
Yeah, I woke up the next morning,
我就去了银行
I went straight to the bank,
取出生平积蓄
I withdrew my life savings,
要创建这个慈善机构
and I was gonna start that charity.
这真不错啊
Good for you!
我随后就掉进地铁轨道上
And then I immediately fell into subway tracks
被电轨给电死了
and was electrocuted by the third rail.
老实说没想到是因为这种电轨「可♥卡♥因♥」而丧命
Honestly, not the type of rail I thought was gonna kill me...
因为我太爱可♥卡♥因♥了
'Cause I love cocaine.
你身上有吗我不该问... 有吗
Do you have any? I'm just... I shouldn't... Do you?
-没有 -知道了我就是...
- No. - Yeah. I mean, I was just...
逗你玩呢开个玩笑
I was just kidding. It was just a joke.
谁现在会想吸可♥卡♥因♥啊
I mean, who would want to do cocaine right now?
你没事吧
Are you okay?
总之我姐在我死后发现了这个计划
Anyway, so after I died, my sister found my plan,
于是她用我的积蓄
and she used my money to start
创建了「明迪·圣克莱尔救援会」
the Mindy St. Clair Rescue Alliance, yeah.
其实就是世上最大的救援慈善机构
It's actually the largest relief aid charity in the world.
所以问题就变成
So the question was,
你该不该获得「好人分数」
did you get credit for all those good person points or not?
没错我不知道这案子拖了有多久
Exactly. I don't know how long my case was pending or whatever,
但我醒来时
but when I woke up,
「善恶」两地就我的问题争论了很久了
the two sides had been fighting about me for a long time.
就像脱衣舞♥女♥为最后那一点可♥卡♥因♥争得头破血流
Like a stripper over that last bump of coke at the party,
懂我意思吧
if you know what I mean.
总之双方最后想出了这个折衷的法子
But anyway, they finally came to this compromise, you know?
这要比受酷刑好啊
Well, it beats being tortured.
我当时正想去接受惩罚呢
I was about to turn myself in.
别这么做把节操道德当路人吧小美人
No. Yeah, there's no time for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.
重点是生存下去
This is about survival.
你得先为自己着想
You gotta look out for number one.
是但也没有证据表明这药不能治愈老年痴呆
Right, well, we don't have proof that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.
埃莉诺我们为你准备了惊喜噢
Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.
谢了不过我给自己买♥♥了蛋糕了
Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.
我知道你在这里就工作了几周
I know you've only worked here a few weeks,
但我们公♥司♥有个传统大家都参与...
but we have this little office tradition where we all pitch in, and then we...
嗯我懂我清楚自己的蛋糕口味
Yeah, no, I get it. It's just, I know what kind of cake I like.
另外丽莎下周过生日
Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week,
接受你们的蛋糕
and if I let you give me a cake,
就表示我要出钱给丽莎买♥♥蛋糕
that means I gotta pitch in to get Lisa a cake
还得唱生日歌♥ 戴你们戴的破帽子
and sing to her and wear one of those dumb hats you all are wearing right now.
算了吧
No, thanks.
这样我不欠你们
This way, I don't owe you anything,
你们也不欠我走吧
you don't owe me anything. Later.
我们接着聊
What were we talking about?
她什么情况啊她这人怎么这样
What is her deal? Why is she like this?
不了解但她越这么刻薄
I don't know, but the meaner she is,
我就越兴奋这很变♥态♥吗
the more it turns me on. Is that weird?
-你是我老板 -再说一遍
- You're my boss. - say that to me again,
但语气再轻贱一些彻底鄙视我
but more disgusted with me, like I'm a worm.
埃莉诺本应属于「恶地」
Eleanor was supposed to be in the Bad Place,
以另外一个人的身份误入「善地」
arrived here by accident, assumed another person's identity,
现在逃跑了整件事是这样吧
and has now escaped. Is that the whole story?
不是还有一人误入了善地
Well, no. Someone else was sent here by mistake.
他叫杰森·门多萨
His name is Jason Mendoza,
而他还跟埃莉诺一起上了那列火车上
and I believe he's on the train with Eleanor.
你知道杰森了啊
You knew about Jason?
嗯我知道他是冒牌货
Yes, I know that he's a fake
还跟珍妮特成亲了
and that he's married to Janet
整个「善地」街区...
and that this entire neighborhood is...
人类怎么表达来着
What's the human expression?
想到了乱出翔了
Yes, a smokin' hot turd.
我稍后再处理杰森·门多萨
I will deal with Jason Mendoza later.
目前请你们说说冒牌埃莉诺·谢尔斯卓普
For now, I will hear your arguments for why fake Eleanor Shellstrop
为何该留下来
should stay in the Good Place.
我们能行但一定得不带任何感情说话
We can do this, but we must remain emotionless.
像「克里斯汀·斯图尔特」「《暮光之城》女主」走红毯那么冷酷
I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?
开始
Begin.
埃莉诺全身心投入了伦理学的学习中
Eleanor dedicated herself to the study of ethics.
她大有长进让我刮目相看
I was blown away by her capacity for self-improvement.
埃莉诺是个了不起的人来到「善地」后成长很多
Eleanor is a magnificent person who has grown tremendously in her time here.
拜托了求你了
Please, I'm begging you, please.
主动前往「恶地」表明她是一个无私的人
Voluntarily heading to the Bad Place proves that she is a selfless person.
抱歉我激动地说不出话了
Sorry. I'm getting choked up.
是主动牺牲自己前往「恶地」
Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself and heading to the Bad Place
确实会给她加分不少
would be a point in her favor.
但我刚收到消息
However, I've just received word that
埃莉诺目前不在「恶地」
Eleanor is not currently in the Bad Place.
我们不知道她在哪儿
We have no idea where she is.
-什么 -啥
- Well, what the... - What?
他喵的
Fork!
我现在回顾一下埃莉诺的记忆
I will now review Eleanor's memories.
她的记忆你指她生前的一切所为
Her memories? As in, all the things she's done on Earth?
我们要不先休息一下吧
But perhaps we could take a little break first.
我们搞了这么长时间你肯定累了
You know, we've been at it for a while, and you must be tired.
过去二十九年中我一直沉睡
I've been asleep in goo for the last 29 years,
所以不用再睡了
so I'm good.
请调出冒牌埃莉诺·谢尔斯卓普的记忆
Call up the screen for Fake Eleanor Shellstrop, please.
埃莉诺·谢尔斯卓普
生前最大减分项
从哪开始呢「对服务员大叫」
Where should we begin, "Waiters Screamed At"
还是「对动感单车课上的孕妇进行网络欺凌」
or "Cyberbullying of Pregnant Woman from Spin Class"?
你要喝点酒吗
Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something?
不了我有自己的生活规律
No, I kind of have my own private time routine.
还以为你独居这么久会想要有人陪呢
I thought you'd want company after being here alone for so long.
-不想 -那好吧
- No. - Okay, I get it.
你从哪拿的这本书
Hey, where did you get that?
这不是我的书
That's not one of my books.
我只有水渍斑斑的安妮·赖斯写的吸血鬼小说
I only have Anne Rice vampire novels with water stains,
我会把大部分单词剪出来拼成小黄♥片♥
and I've cut words out of most of them to make pornography.
是我在「善地」的朋友给我的书
My friend in the Good Place gave it to me
他当时教我伦理学
when he was teaching me ethics.
看到书就想起他
It reminds me of him.
如果你想生存下去
Look, if you wanna survive,
就必须忘记曾经的过往
you have to forget what you left behind.
把过往的经历
Take that whole experience,
都卷在一起扔进垃圾桶
crumple it up, throw it in the garbage can.
好吧那就不看书
Okay. Instead of reading,
我来看下录像带版《炮弹飞车2》
I will watch this VHS copy of "Cannonball Run II."
或者《炮弹飞车2之幕后花絮》
Or maybe "The Making of 'Cannonball Run II.'"
真是很一般啊
Very medium.
没错
Yeah.
你们这对小情人整明白怎么做♥爱♥了吗
Hey, you two lovebirds figure out how to have sex yet?
没有我们试了俩小时
No. We tried for two hours,