某人某地（2022）

几乎不可能...
The odds are, like...
不是
No.
-怎么了 -瑞克出轨了
- What? - Rick is cheating on you.
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
瑞克出轨了
Rick is cheating on you.
见鬼 见鬼
Shit! Shit! Shit!
该死的狗
Fucking dog!
真的跑进了一场风暴
Literally running around in a hailstorm!
妈的
Fuck.
狗子 我来救你了
Dog! I'm coming for you!
我来了
I'm coming!
狗子
Dog!
狗子
Dog!
你知道他不爱说话 对吧
You know he's not very talkative, right?
所以每次我闲聊 或问他什么的
So any time I would try to, like, kinda ask or whatever,
都得不到回答 然后
I wasn't getting anywhere. So then,
我觉得稍微跟踪他一会
I decided to stalk him just a little bit--
莎姆 这跟他出轨有什么关系
Sam, what does any of this have to do with cheating?
那我往前跳一下
Okay, let me skip ahead.
那天我在爸妈家 我看了他的夹克
I was at Mom and Dad's house. I looked in his jacket,
发现了两部手♥机♥ 我就想
I found these two cell phones. I'm like,
-他到底在干什么勾当 -莎曼莎
- what the fuck is he doing? - Samantha!
翠西娅
Tricia...
我看见了
I saw stuff.
-看见了 -不是做♥爱♥
- Stuff? - I mean, not sex,
但我看见了
but stuff.
-你确定吗 -我希望不是真的
- And you're sure? - Oh, I wish I wasn't.
我真是傻子
Well, I'm an idiot.
你不是
You're not.
是谁
Who is it?
我们已经...我已经告诉了你太多信息
We've already... I've given you a lot to process.
我想或许这个可以留着下次说
I think maybe we should just save that for another time.
是谁
Who is it?
是切芮蒂
It's Charity.
真遗憾
I'm sorry.
天哪 莎...
Oh my god, Sa--
你知道我看到你吐 我也会吐
You know I can't not throw up if I see you throw up!
但我根本没吐
But I didn't even throw up!
天哪 你吃了什么
Oh my god, what did you eat?
椒盐卷饼热狗
Oh, one of those Pretzel Schmetzel fucking dogs...
弗雷德·洛可可说冒个险
Fred Rococo said roll the dice.
找到你了
Oh, I gotcha!
找到你了 找到你了
I gotcha! I gotcha! I gotcha.
好吗
Okay?
那不太好
Oh, that's not good.
我们来这边 这是什么
Let's go here. What's this thing?
我们没事 我们没事
We're okay. We're okay.
好吗 我们没事
You okay? We're okay.
天哪 这里还有其他东西
Oh my god, there's something else in here.
卧♥槽♥ 卧♥槽♥
Oh, fuck me. Oh, fuck me.
卧♥槽♥
Fuck me.
我不能再染上狂犬病了
I cannot get rabies again.
只是老鼠 只是老鼠
It's just a mouse. It's just a mouse.
我们没事
We're okay.
我们完球了 但没事
I mean, we're fucked, but we're okay.
你心里肯定有部分在偷着乐
Part of you must just be loving this right now.
-什么 没有 -这件事
- What? No. - This is, like,
对你来说肯定特别可笑
so hilarious to you.
我的生活支离破碎 这次倒霉的竟然是我
My whole life falling apart. It being me this time.
什么叫这次 什么
What do you mean you this time? What--
-你为什么这样对我 -我什么也没做
- Why are you doing this to me? - I'm not doing anything!
-你真的这么恨我吗 是吗 -翠西娅 我不
- I mean, you really just hate me this much, don't you? - Tricia, I don't--
-你就有 -我不恨你
- You do! - I don't hate you!
那你怎么不好好过自己的日子
Then how come you've nothing better to do with your life
-却来插手... -天地良心
- than to insert it into-- - Oh, Jesus Christ!
你看到什么了 你看到他的老二了吗
What stuff did you see? Did you see his stupid dick?
老天 没有 恶心
Oh, god, no, gross!
你还跟谁说了
Who else have you told?
我还能跟谁说 你是我姐姐
Who am I gonna tell? You're my sister.
我本来都不打算告诉你
Like, I-I wasn't even going to tell you!
-也许你不该说 -也许我就不该说 是吧
- Well, maybe you shouldn't have! - Maybe I shouldn't have, right?
也许我该让他
Maybe I should let him keep on
继续背着你乱搞 这样更好吗
fucking around behind your back! Would that be better?
老天
Oh god...
我早该知道的
I mean, I should've known.
来点这个
Try this.
天哪 老妈
God! Mom...
这伏特加太恶心了
This vodka is so gross.
天哪 真好
Oh god. Well, that's wonderful.
我觉得这酒把我小舌的肌肉都烧没了
I think it just burnt the flesh off my uvula.
我的内脏在腐烂
My insides are rotting.
没事 冷静 冷静 就这样
It's okay. Calm down. Calm down. There we go.
好吧 我打算吃点东西
Okay. I'm just gonna eat a little something
因为我有点头晕
'cause I'm a little light-headed.
我有时会忘记吃东西
I forget to eat sometimes.
这里面有巧克力 我觉得你不能吃
This has chocolate. I don't think you can eat that.
还是说猫不能吃
Or is that cats?
如果我们活下来我就去问问蒂芙尼
I'm gonna ask Tiffani. If we live.
开玩笑的 我们肯定能活下来 没事的
Just kidding, we're totally gonna... We're gonna be fine.
你尿尿或拉粑粑了吗
Did you ever make teetee or papaw?
肯定拉过了 对吧
You must have, right?
我想让你知道 我没有生你的气 好吗
Hey, I want you to know, I'm not mad at you, alright?
我知道你只是害怕 雷电让人害怕
I know you were just scared. Thunder's scary.
我也很害怕
I'm scared a lot, too.
你感受到了吗
You feel that?
天哪 气压变化了 我起鸡皮疙瘩了
God, the air pressure just changed. Got goose-pimples.
好了
Okay. Alright.
没事 你没事
It's okay. You're okay.
好
Okay.
宝贝 迈克 迈克 亲爱的宝贝
Hey, babe. Or Michael. Michael. Hi, hon. Babe.
听着
Listen,
我希望你的比赛一切顺利
I hope your tournament is going well.
很抱歉这里风声很大 但是
I'm sorry it's really loud here, but
这里来龙♥卷♥风♥了
it's a tornado,
然后我在一个水管里面 没事
and I'm in a little tube thing. It's okay.
总之我想让你知道
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that,
我其实想要孩子
I actually do want kids.
想要房♥子和全营养料理机
And, and a house and a, a Vitamix
还有戴森 以及婚姻
and a Dyson and marriage.
我就是想要
I just do.
我爱你
I love you.
我知道我已经跟你说过这话
And I know I told you this already,
但全营养料理机加热后
but it's, it's the Vitamix that heats up,
你就可以做汤了 好了
so you can make soup. Okay.
这不是求婚
This isn't a proposal!
我想我们没事了 对吧
Okay. I think we're okay, aren't we?
罗杰
Roger?
这是你的名字吗 罗杰 你喜欢吗
Is that your name? Roger? Do you like that name?
我也喜欢 罗杰
I like it, too. Roger.
-就是这首 -凯凯凯蒂
- That's it! - K-K-Katie!
*美丽的凯蒂*
*Beautiful Katie*
*你是我唯一崇拜的女♥女♥女孩*
*You're the only g-g-girl that I adore*
*无论月光何时照在牛棚上*
*Whenever the moon shines over the cow shed*
*我会在厨厨厨房♥门口等待*
*I'll be waiting at the k-k-kitchen door*
天哪 妈的经典歌♥谣
Oh my god. Classic Mom.
太烂了
So bad...
你还记得
Do you remember...
你还记得霍莉站在那边
Do you remember when Holly was over there,
唱着《感伤之旅》
singing "Sentimental Journey,"
然后开始尿裤子了吗
and she started pissing herself?