伦敦生活（2016）

前两天我放了个屁 就跟老妈放屁时一个德行
I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.
前两天我放了个屁 就跟老妈放屁时一个德行
I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.
前两天我放了个屁 就跟老妈放屁时一个德行
I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.
前两天我放了个屁 就跟老妈放屁时一个德行
I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.
前两天我放了个屁 就跟老妈放屁时一个德行
I did a fart the other day that was exactly like Mum's.
响屁还是哑屁
A door opening, or suspicious dark?
响屁还是哑屁
A door opening, or suspicious dark?
响屁
Door opening.
这说明 你长了和老妈一样的屁♥股♥
Means you're getting Mum's bum.
这说明 你长了和老妈一样的屁♥股♥
Means you're getting Mum's bum.
这说明 你长了和老妈一样的屁♥股♥
Means you're getting Mum's bum.
如果真是这样就好了 要知道我的翘臀早已不在
God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago.
如果真是这样就好了 要知道我的翘臀早已不在
God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago.
我以前放屁可是又干脆又响亮 啪
My farts used to be like, "Pah!"
但现在却跟泄了气一样
Now they're just sort of fighting their way out.
我差不多已经三年没有放屁了
I haven't farted in about three years.
生日快乐
Happy birthday.
-反正她不吃 -谢谢
- She won't eat it. - Thanks.
记得晚上七点提前到 为七点三十的生日惊喜派对做准备哦
So, it's a 7 pm arrival tonight for a 7.30 surprise, OK?
好 我收到你的邮件了
Yeah, I got your e-mail.
其实 与其说是生日派对 不如说是商务酒会
It's really a business birthday thing.
所以应该不会很嗨 你最好也别把这当成狂欢派对
It won't be much fun, so just don't expect a "Party" Party.
好的
I won't.
还有
And maybe...
你穿着裤子去就可以了
just wear trousers.
记住 千万别喝嗨了
And don't drink too much.
我有机会得到一个去芬兰就职的机会
There's this huge promotion in Finland,
所以这个派对会比较严肃
so this party is quite a serious...
我的意思是 这基本就是工作会议
I mean, it's basically a business meeting.
听着好厉害的样子
Sounds like a blast.
我能带个男伴吗
Can I bring a date?
-哈里吗 -不
- Harry? - No.
那是谁
Who?
噢 我还不知道呢
Oh, I don't know yet.
不过在墓地边上慢跑不太合适吧
It's really inappropriate to jog around a graveyard.
为什么
Why?
感觉是在向长眠于此的人耀武扬威
Flaunting your life.
天啊 我好想赶快变老啊
God, I can't wait to be old.
如果这能安慰你的话 其实你看起来比你实际年龄老啦
If it's any consolation, you look older than you are.
不好意思 我接个电♥话♥
Sorry, sorry.
-你好 我是克莱尔 -我们的妈妈在三年前去世了
- Hello, Claire speaking. - Mum died three years ago.
虽然她做了双乳♥房♥♥切除 但一直没有痊愈
She had a double mastectomy but never really recovered.
这对她来说尤其难熬 毕竟她曾拥有一对美胸
It was particularly hard, cos she had amazing boobs.
她以前常说我很幸运
She used to tell me I was lucky
因为平胸的人很难患上这个病
cos mine would never get in the way.
我姐也是巨♥乳♥娘
My sister's got whoppers,
而且她继承了母亲所有的优点
but she got all of Mum's good bits.
马丁送你什么礼物了
What's Martin given you?
如果他能突然中风就是最好的礼物了
A cursory stroke would be nice.
什么 不应该是做♥爱♥做的事吗
What? No bang-bang?
他说他那里还长着那玩意儿呢
He says he's still got that thing on his...
什么
What?
就在他的
On his...
加油 你可以说出来的
Come on, you can do it.
-我没必要一定要说出来吧 -不 你必须得说出来
- I don't have to say... - Yes, you do.
-不 至少不能在这说 -快说嘛 快说嘛
- No, not here. - Come on, little one. Come on, please.
-不 阴♥茎♥ -谢谢
- No. Penis. - Thank you.
他说他的阴♥茎♥上还长着那个东西呢 抱歉
He says he still has that thing on his penis. Sorry.
我的天 看看那个男人
Christ, look at that man.
哭得真惨啊
Tragic.
并不 他是个骗子
Nah, he's a con.
你怎么能说一个悲伤的人是骗子呢
You can't call someone who is grieving a con.
-他才不悲伤好吗 -看看他 他可伤心呢
- That is shit grieving. - Look at him, he's properly grieving.
没人伤心的时候会这样 除非他们是在表演 要么他们就是从意大利来的
No-one grieves like that unless they are in a film or from Italy.
你凭什么对别人的悲痛评头论足呢
Who are you to pass judgment on his grief?
相信我 他每天都在不同的墓碑前痛哭呢
Trust me, he's at a different grave every day,
就是走不出戏啊
he can't get enough of it.
怎么了
What?
你每天都来这吗
You come here every day?
别妄想在我的生日派对上做什么惊喜的事
Don't do a jumpy-outy surprise thing,
更不要给我唱什么生日快乐歌♥ 我最受不了这个了
and don't sing Happy Birthday, I couldn't bear it.
我 呃
I'm, erm...
其实我还挺期待你唱给我听的
I'm actually looking forward to it.
嗨 哈里 是我
Hi, Harry, it's me.
我知道我们已经分手了
Listen, I know we're broken up,
但是今晚是克莱尔的生日派对
but it's Claire's birthday tonight
所以我想
and I thought that...
我想也许
I thought that maybe
你可以和我一起去
you'd like to come to her...
她的生日派对
...birthday party.
总之 听到后给我回个电♥话♥吧 祝一切安好 再见
Anyway, give me a call, and I hope you're OK. Bye.
我怕狗
I can't go out with a dog.
我的前前男友以前老喜欢叫我
My boyfriend before Harry used to make me send him pictures of
拍私照给他 不管我在哪
my vagina wherever I was,
一天大概要发个十几张吧
ten or 11 times a day.
有天我正在做兼♥职♥呢 他发短♥信♥给我说
One day when I was temping he asked me to...
把你最满意的部位拍个照发给我
你的下面或者你的胸 求你了
爽 我在打飞机呢 再来一张
我还要 再来一张
是时候撒网了
Time to throw the net out.
我有大♥麻♥烦了
I am in so much trouble.
我的天哪
Jesus Christ.
我该给克莱尔送什么好呢
What am I going to get Claire?
我必须得给她送个完美的礼物才行啊
I am meant to get her the perfect present.
-还有我没有喝多哦 -然而并不是
- I am not drunk. - Always drunk.
都说了 我没有喝多
I am not drunk!
奇怪 因为克莱尔总是很直接
Which is odd, cos Claire's so straight.
快扇我巴掌
Smack me in the face.
-用力点 -你确定
- Really hard. - Really?
是的
Yeah.
噢 很好
Oh, good.
棒
Fuck.
我觉得我快硬了
I think you gave me a semi.
我能喝点水 吃点三明治什么的吗
Can I eat a water or a sandwich, or something?
我想说 这男人绝对有毛病
I mean, the man's got a problem.
跟我说呀 跟我说话呀
Speak to me. Speak to me.
但没人会愿意承认这点的
But no-one wants to admit
因为这样他们就不用
there's a problem because then they don't get
和滑稽的醉汉马丁一起共度狂欢夜了
to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin.
鸡肉 你是鸡肉吗 不
Chicken, are you chicken? No.
他就是那种轻浮不检点 喜欢和所有人乱开玩笑的人
He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate
如果你往心里去了 难过的只有你自己
with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence
因为他只是在“开玩笑”而已
because he was "Just being fun".
说真的 如果你和他说 你要去厕所
Honestly, you could tell him you're going to pop to the loo
他就会说
and he'll say...
好的 你先去厕所 脱好内♥裤♥
Yes, you pop to the loo, pull down your knickers,
我随后就“进来”
and then I will come in
好好疼爱你一番
and fuck you.
我想说 这地方简直难以置信
I mean, this place is ridiculous.
有人光顾过这吗
Does anyone ever come here?
我是说 这地方也太令人毛骨悚然了吧
I mean, it is creepy as fuck.
你为什么不送她只豚鼠呢
Why don't you get her a guinea pig?
这礼物在我们这还挺流行的
It was a surprise hit here.
什么 你觉得她会喜欢一头猪吗 那我能带走这个吗
What, you think she'd like a pig? Can I take this one?
不 不要选这只
No, not that one.
我的天 妹子 快看 那只好像生病了
Christ, woman, there's something wrong with that one,
没看见它眼里闪烁着死亡的光芒吗
it's got death in its eyes.
嗯 他们说她得抑郁症了
Yeah, the vet says she's depressed.
我们不也是吗 妹子
Aren't we all, girl?
你知道吗 豚鼠会因为孤独而死
You know, guinea pigs can die of loneliness.
真的吗