儿童医院（2008）

Previously on Childrens Hospital...
《儿童医院》前情提要
Your son has brain stem syndrome.
你的儿子患上了脑干综合征
No, don't worry.
别 不要担心
The name can be misleading.
名字听起来有点让人误解
It's more of a disease than a syndrome.
更确切的说是疾病而不是综合症了
Man, this locker room isn't haunted.
老兄 更衣室没有闹鬼
"Brazil's Most Haunted Locker Rooms."
《巴西最为灵异的房♥间》
The prettiest shiksa in all of Brazil.
整个巴西最为销魂的犹太姑娘
Best damn administrator in all of Brazil.
巴西最棒的主管
Come on.
得了吧
Which, by the way, is where we are right now.
顺便说一下 我们正好在这里
This hospital is in Brazil, as we all know,
这家医院身在巴西 我们都知道的
fully staffed by and in service of expatriate Americans.
职员和病人都是迁居国外的美国人
Vanity.
虚荣
When you don't see beyond yourself, you fail to see others,
当你只顾自我陶醉 你便看不到别人
and when you fail to see others,
你看不到别人
you become the opposite of Bruce Willis
你就和布鲁斯·威利斯
in "The Sixth Sense."
在《第六感》里扮演的角色正好相反
You don't see alive people.
眼不见活生生的人
My point is
我的重点是
you are so much hotter than Bruce Willis.
姐可比布鲁斯·威利斯辣多了
Sweet surgery, yo.
很棒的手术哦
We removed that boy's tumor just in time.
我们及时移除了那个男孩的肿瘤
Oh, is that what we did?
哦 是我们做的吗
I was so in the zone,
我今天状态无敌了
I was just ripping out whatever looked weird.
把看起来怪的东西都给扯掉了
Oh, my God.
哦 我滴个神
Is that Sarah Hyland from "Modern Family"?
那是《摩登家庭》里的萨拉·海蓝德吗
No, it's not.
不 不是的
That's the work of Tug Spano,
那是塔克·斯帕诺的作品
the new pediatric plastic surgeon.
新来的儿科整形医生
Who's Tug Spano?
谁是塔克·斯帕诺
The new pediatric plastic surgeon.
新来的儿科整形医生
What's his name? Tug Spano.
他叫什么名字 塔克·斯帕诺
Check this out.
听我说
He can make a kid look like a teen pop idol,
他能把孩子拾捣成青年偶像
their favorite politician...
他们喜欢的政客...
Anything they want.
想整成哪样就整成哪样
Before, after.
整形前 整形后
And this kid's career is blowing up right now.
这个孩子的前途已经被毁了
He is good.
他技术不错啊
No, he's gooder,
比不错还要好
he's even gooder than better when with the ladies.
他和女士们在一起就更厉害了
Check.
看那边
He's teaching her yoga.
他在教她瑜伽
How pretentious.
太得瑟了吧
And that... is how I would have sex with you.
我...会以这个体♥位♥和你爱爱
Look like the natives are getting jealous.
看来常驻军们开始嫉妒了
Namaste, doc-docs.
你们好啊 医生同志们
Tug Spano, M.D.
塔克·斯帕诺 医学博士
Look, I know that each of you has a history
我知道你们中间有人
with some of the femalic doctors around here,
和这里的女医生们有过几腿
so I want to be up front about this.
所以我想提前把话说明白
The Tug man will be putting the moves on these ladies,
塔克真汉子要对女士们展开进攻了
and by "Moves," I mean
说到"进攻" 我的意思是
I will be putting my fantastic penis in them.
我那绝妙的爱之箭将射进她们的玉♥穴♥之中
Are cigarillos cool again?
雪茄烟又可以用来装叉了吗
God, I hope so.
天呐 但愿是
I'm telling you... This is not our baby.
我跟你说...这不是我们的孩子
All right, Mr. And Mrs. Dunn,
行了 邓恩先生 邓恩太太
I'm gonna chalk this up to first-time parent jitters.
我觉得你们是初次为人父母神经焦虑
This baby is Chinese!
这明明是中国娃
Yeah, well, maybe your wife blasted a Chinaman.
好吧 没准你老婆和中国人搞到了一起
Not my problem. Thank you.
不是我的错 谢谢您了
Number 19.
19号♥
Okay, here we...
好的 给你们...
R-A-P-E: Resist All Possible Encounters.
R-A-P-E 阻止任何相遇的可能
In this class,
在这节课中
you will learn how to beat the rapist at his own game.
你们将会学到如何将计就计应对流氓
Or her own game.
或者是女流氓
Beat the rapist at her own game.
应对女流氓
Oh, Blakey.
哦 布莱克
"Her"... That's impossible.
女流氓...绝不可能
Somebody help me!
快来人救我
I was just date raped!
我刚刚被人强♥暴♥了
All right. Everybody got their rape whistles?
好啦 每人手上都拿到防强♥暴♥口哨了吧
Always keep them with you,
一定要随身携带
especially at discount movie theaters.
特别是在折扣电影院里
Well, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some skin-slinger like...
我绝不会让一个只在皮肤上动刀子的人...
What's his name? Tug Spano.
叫什么名字来着 塔克·斯帕诺
Move in our alter.
在咱们的地盘撒野
Yeah, if we back down now,
是的 如果我们现在怂了
we'll never get back on top.
就会一直被踩在脚底下
Come on. Let's go get a churro.
走吧 咱们去吃西班牙油条吧
Ooh. Churros.
哦 西班牙油条
I mean, think about it.
你想一想
If our patients find out
如果咱们的患者发现
that we're not getting laid right and left,
我们在哪里都把不到妹子
they're not gonna respect.
一定会鄙视咱们的
And the next thing you know,
接下来他们立即就会
they're taking away our hospital-issued Escalades.
夺走我们医院用的凯迪拉克
I practically live in my 'sclade.
我几乎就睡在里面
I literally live in my 'sclade.
我简直就睡在里面
God. Times are tough all around.
天呐 最近万事不顺
Next thing you know, they're taking away our record contracts.
接下来 他们还会夺走我们的唱片合约
What?!
什么
But my album just dropped!
我的专辑刚刚发行呢
Cocaine fresquinha. Cocaine fresquinha.
可♥卡♥因♥啦 可♥卡♥因♥啦
You want some cocaine? Nah.
想来点可♥卡♥因♥吗 不了
Cocaine fresquinha?
可♥卡♥因♥啦
Dos churritos.
西班牙油条啦
Hey, I got it!
嘿 我想到办法了
You know how Cat has venereal warts, right?
你知道凯特是怎么染上花柳疣的 对吧
Of course.
当然
Okay, we trick Cat into sleeping with Tug,
很好 我们引诱凯特和塔克上♥床♥
then when he gets warts,
等到他也长了湿疣
no one's gonna want to touch him.
就没有人再想接近他了
We'll be back on top, which is my favorite position.
我们就会重拔头筹 也就是我最喜欢的位置
Let's get back to the hospital, which is in Brazil.
我们回医院吧 位居巴西的医院
It's kind of a gray area, but yes.
这是一块灰色♥区♥域 但的确如此
Generally speaking, if it happens on spring break,
总体上说 如果事情发生在春假期间
then it's not considered rape.
就不算是强♥暴♥了
All right.
好了
Today, we are gonna go over a great self-defense strategy:
今天我们将要复习一套非常强大的防身术
Pooping yourself.
自毁形象
I'll volunteer.
我来做志愿者
Why, Blake, I didn't ask for a volunt...
为什么 布莱克 我不需要志愿...
But first...
首先...
I'd like to make a testimonial.
我想发表证言
There she is.
她在这儿呢
I'll set her up, you knock her down.
我来忽悠她 最后你来拿下她
And hopefully she'll take the bait and sleep with Tug.
希望她能上钩和塔克上♥床♥
Hey, girlfriend.
嘿 女友
Guess who has a crush... Not now, guys.
猜猜谁爱上... 我没空 亲们
I'm late to go have sex with Tug.
我要和塔克肉搏去了 已经迟到了
We did it.
我们成功了
Doctor, this is not our child!
医生 这不是我们的孩子
We got the wrong child, too!
我们也抱错了孩子
We had a girl!
我们的孩子是女孩
I ordered a meatball sub,
我想要肉丸三明治