后半生

你们好 是"坦布里报"的 -对
Hello. Are you from The Gazette? - Yep.
我是坦布里剧团的团长 肯·奥特利 听说过我吗
I run the society, Tambury Players. Ken Otley, might've heard of me?
没 -没
No. - No?
没有吗 我是娱乐圈的专业人士
No? I'm involved in showbiz professionally.
好 -这剧团我为了好玩弄的
Okay. - I just run this for a bit of fun.
我们每年都会演几场 其实大概一周后就会有一场
We do a couple of performances every year. We've got one in a week or so, actually.
时事讽刺剧...
It's a revue show....
"繁星之夜"
A Night of a 1000 Stars.
是这群人演吗 -对 就是这几位
And it's this lot, is it? - It's these guys, yeah.
大家各司其职 不会有争论
Everyone's doing their own thing, you know, so no arguments.
言论自♥由♥ -这位是新成员布莱恩
Free expression! - This is Brian, new face.
认识他吗 -都认识
Do you know him? - Yeah, we know Brian.
我要演单口喜剧
I'm gonna do stand-up, mate.
好 -我朗诵女权主义诗歌♥
Yeah. - And I'm doing feminist poetry.
我唱"小丑进场" 配形意舞
I'm doing Send in the Clowns with interpretive dance.
话不多说 来 让他们看看我们的本事
Anyway, enough talk. Come on, let's show them what we do.
站起来 把椅子搬开 -对 是我
On your feet. Get rid of these chairs. - Yes, it's me!
那晚的事不好意思 我... 失态了
I'm sorry about that night, I wasn't... I wasn't myself.
可惜 我还挺开心的呢
Shame. I really enjoyed it.
见到脾气跟我一样臭的人 挺不错的
It was nice to meet someone as cantankerous as me.
你们怎么会来报道这破演出呢
What on earth are you covering this shitshow for?
我最早会来
I only started coming
是为了不和我那死老公共处一室
to get out of the house when my dead husband was home.
这些人都很烦 但也比在我那死了的老公身边强
I mean, they're twats, but it was preferable than being around him.
好吧
Sure.
这就像"飞越疯人院" 我就好比护士拉契特
It's like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. I feel like Nurse Ratched.
看到那小胖子了吗
See that little fat one?
真想对他使用电击疗法
I'd love to electrocute him.
你好 布莱恩 -好 还有大个子
Hello, Brian! - Okay, and big people.
肯 -大 特别大
Ken. - Big. Really big.
来 丽贝卡 加入进来 上下跳跃
Come on, in we go, Rebecca. Jumping up and down a little bit.
轻轻跳就行 不要伤到自己
Just a little jump, don't do yourself any mischief.
我忍♥不住 还是很想她
I can't help it, I just really miss her.
她跟别人上♥床♥了吗
She having it off with anyone else?
没有 -你呢
No. - You?
没有 当然没有
No, of course I'm not.
公♥司♥有人跟我表白了 但...
There was someone at work who did say that she liked me, but...
我没兴趣 现在我特别低落
I'm not interested, and I'm just so fed up at the moment.
操 是人都会低落忧郁
Fuck's sake, we all get fed up and depressed, mate.
对不起 我不是故意...
Yeah, sorry, I don't mean to...
那你忧郁的时候会干什么呢
I mean, what do you do when you get depressed?
找破烂哥和亵童犯 喝得烂醉
I get twatted with Ratty and the Nonce.
行吧 -看足球赛 挑事打架
Right. - Go to the football. Start a fight.
我讨厌这种多愁善感的鬼话
I hate all this namby-pamby nonsense, you know?
假惺惺的... "别硬撑着了 男人哭吧不是罪 "
This bleeding hearts... "Toxic masculinity, it's okay to cry!"
喝两三升酒 磕点摇♥头♥丸♥
It's also okay to have five pints, drop an E,
靠着垃圾桶跟荡♥妇♥打炮 也不是罪
and do some fucking trollop from behind against the bins.
只要能让自己开心
Whatever floats your boat, boy.
我大拇指好像在哪个妞的屁♥眼♥里弄断了
I think I've broke my thumb up some bird's arse.
要想写好报道 就该来找我
You should come to me if you want a good story.
我告诉你们 我的经历很丰富
I've had a life, let me tell you. I've had a life.
你们的读者会有兴趣的 记好了
Your readers'll wanna hear this, write this down.
我上的是戏剧学院 现在还是职业演员
I did go to drama school, so I still act professionally,
但恕我直言 现在白人很难拿到戏份
but, you know, it's tough to get the parts these days if you're white, no offense, you know.
我有段时间在预科学院教戏剧课
Taught drama at sixth form college for a while, do you know it?
全是骗子
Full of liars.
真的千万别去 好比毒蛇窝
Seriously, don't go there. It's a nest of vipers.
我的职业是星探 已经入行25年了
Erm, I'm a talent agent by profession, 25 years in the business.
我是他们所有人的经纪人
I've had 'em all through my books,
不管大红大紫还是平平淡淡的时刻
on the way up, on the way down, and everything in between.
我可以给你们讲些娱乐圈的事
I could tell you some stories about the showbiz world
会让你们毛骨悚然
that would make your hair curl.
比如呢 -该从哪儿说起呢
Like what? - Bloody hell, where do we start?
这样吧 你来帮我做代笔 写八卦专栏
You know what you should do? Ghostwrite a gossip column for me.
哦 -肯定可以
Right. - This is gonna work. Right!
来 开始吧
Come on. Let's do this.
搬张椅子 -行
Grab a chair. - Yeah.
来 说干就干 老天爷
Come on, let's make it happen, for God's sake!
好
Right.
重点是 机会找上门来的时候
The thing is, mate, you've got to take these opportunities
你一定要把握好
when they offer themselves to you, you know?
比如你单位的那妞
Like that bird at work.
是 -趁年轻 上吧
Yeah. - Get it while you're young.
上一周 我们...
Last week, right, we were...
在坦布里汉堡店喝得烂醉
we're pissed up in Tamburgers in town, yeah?
有个女服务员送食物过来 很正
And this waitress comes over with the food. Fit.
她说
And she goes,
"各位先生 还需要我做什么吗"
"Is there anything else I can do for you, gentlemen?"
那就是机会来敲门
And it was like, "Ding!"
五分钟后 我跟破烂哥 在残疾人洗手间里跟她玩三人行
Five minutes later, me and Ratty are spitroasting her in the disabled bogs.
我从她后面干♥她♥
I'm banging away from behind, right?
她突然把破烂哥的鸡♥巴♥从嘴里拿出来
Suddenly, she takes Ratty's cock out her gob,
转过身来对我说 "你想配上薯条吃吗"
turns around to me and goes, "Do you want fries with that?"
多厉害
What a star!
我们出来后 有个...
Anyway, we come out, and there's this...
坐轮椅的小残疾人
gammy little geezer in a wheelchair,
他等了很久 气坏了
furious 'cause he's had to wait so long.
对我砸吧嘴
Yeah. Tuts at me.
我弯腰对他说
So, I lean into him, I go,
"希望你在里面 和我们刚才一样爽 傻♥逼♥"
"Hope you have as much fun in there as we just did, you little cunt."
是
Yeah.
我受益匪浅 -干杯
Well, this has all been very helpful. - Cheers.
我还有故事要说 听好了
Right, I've got a story for you. Listen to this one.
我曾经跟鬼魂做过爱
I once had sex with a spirit.
是这样的 不是你情我愿的
I tell you what, it weren't consensual either.
这下精彩了
The plot thickens!
超性侵
PSA.
超自然性侵犯 真有这事
Paranormal sexual assault, it happens, Okay?
我喜欢光着屁♥股♥趴着睡觉
Now, I like to sleep stark bollock naked on me front, right?
那是我的选择
That's my choice.
但有人会说 这就是我的错
But some would say that makes it my fault,
责怪受害者 没人会想到
but that's just victim-blaming, in't it? Nobody expects that.
我还要告诉你们 我知道是谁干的
I tell you something else as well, I know who done it.
鸡♥奸♥我的
I was bummed...
是列勃拉斯的鬼魂
by the ghost of Liberace.
标题出来了
That's the headline.
我给了那混♥蛋♥可乘之机
Made it easy for the bugger.
你觉得他为什么要选你
Why do you think he chose you?
我可能不是唯一的受害者
Well, I might not be the only one!
新闻发表后 可能还会有人站出来
When this gets out, probably others will come forward.
这种事通常都这样嘛
That's how it usually happens, in't it?
很好 那么...
Good. Well... Yeah.
那我们就把你交给桑迪吧
I think we'll leave you in the capable hands of
她很能干 好好跟她聊 -好的
Sandy. So, yeah, tell her everything. - Great. I will.
行吗 好
Okay? Good.
再见 -再见
Cheers. - Bye.
再见 -好
Bye. - All right.
桑迪 你记得伊莉莎白·泰勒吧
Now, Sandy. Liz Taylor, you remember her?
我有个朋友的朋友 负责做她的尸检
Friend of a friend of mine worked on her autopsy, right?
发现她体内塞满了跳蛋
They found out she was absolutely crammed with love eggs.
感觉很软吧 -是很软
You feel how soft they were? - Yeah, very soft.
会用点柔顺剂 不省这点钱
Yeah, we use a bit of softener on them, no expenses spared here.
你们自己洗吗 -不会
You do them yourself? - No.
会放进洗衣机 不会自己洗毛巾
Well, I put them in the washing machine, I don't manually scrub the towels.
爸
Dad.
这是妈妈的
This was Mum's.
她以前会给我念
She used to read this to me.
诗歌♥
Poems.
你不太喜欢 我也是 我只是喜欢她念给我听
You didn't care for it much. Nor did I. I just liked her reading to me.
"想来我认识这片树林
"Whose woods these are? I think I know.