定制伴郎

就拥有的不切实际的 盼望已久的梦想
and preconceived notions that originated in childhood.
所以 你做的事情不用顾忌道德因素
So, don't sweat the morality of what you're doing.
只是确定新娘和她的妈妈高兴就好
Just make sure the bride and her mother are happy.
我们这一点是一样的 你明白了吗
We're in this together, homie.
-那是你的女朋友吗 -当然不是了那是我的妹妹
-Is that your girl? -Fuck no. That's my sister.
这是我的女朋友
That's my girl.
-怎么了 -我靠
-What's up? -Fuck.
-你想吃点玉米片吗 -我还好
-Do you want some nachos? -I'm actually okay.
-不了 我来之前吃过了 -对不起
-No, I ate before I came.-I'm sorry.
你刚才问他们什么
What did you just ask them?
-我问他们想不想吃玉米片 -玉米片吗
-I asked them if they wanted nachos. -Nachos?
这个家伙一周以后就要结婚了 你却给他玉米片
The guy's getting married in a week and you're gonna offer him nachos?
看看他 你觉得奶酪会让他变成什么样
Look at him! What do you think cheese is going to do to him?
-我以为他们想要玉米片 -动动脑子
-I thought they wanted nachos. -Use your fucking head.
-我来拿一点吧 -坐下 吉米
-I'm going to take some. -Sit down, Jimmy!
我试过了
I tried.
他们在一起有一段时间了 不会发生什么的
They've been together for some time now. Nothing's going to happen.
-怎么了 -没事
-What? -Nothing.
-你们两个真是般配 -都是婊♥子♥ 对吧
-You guys make a beautiful couple. -Bitches, right?
-你要来抽一口吗 -不 不 我挺好的
-Do you want some weed? -No, no, I'm good.
你把烟草放到椰子里
You put the weed in the coconut
然后把它点着
And light that shit up
你把烟草放到椰子里 然后把它点着
You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up
让他一起来唱 来吧 白人小子
Get him to sing it. Come on, white boy.
我没事 我挺好的
I'm good, I'm good.
你把烟草放到椰子里 然后把它点着
You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up
你这样很无礼 赶紧唱歌♥
You're being disrespectful. Sing the fucking song.
你把烟草放到椰子里 然后把它点着
You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up
你把烟草放到椰子里 然后把它点着
You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up
你把烟草放到椰子里
You put the weed in the coconut
你们两个最好别在这里乱搞
You two better not fuck this up.
我们为什么来这里
Why are we here?
这叫做排练 我跟所有的新郎都这么做
It's called a dry run. I do it with all my grooms.
我讨厌这些东西
I hate this stuff.
嘿 这就是我们来这里的原因
Hey, that's why we're here.
新郎过敏症 好吗
Groom desensitization, okay?
-那是朗姆和可乐 那是你的最爱对吧 -是的
-That's a rum and Coke. That's your favorite, right? -Yeah.
你是怎么知道的
How did you know that?
我知道所有的事情 道格 干杯
I know everything, Doug. Drink up.
好了 我想要你时刻提醒你自己
All right, I want you to keep reminding yourself
婚礼是给女人准备的
that weddings are for the women.
你不是来享受的 道格
You're not supposed to enjoy yourself, Doug.
如果要享受 那就应该有大屏幕的电视 还应该有赌场
If you were, there would be big-screen TVs, there would be gambling.
可是这里什么都没有
There's none of that there.
还有要点头微笑 我们就不会被抓
Okay, NAS and we won't get caught.
等一下 什么
Wait, what?
点头微笑 道格 点头和微笑 好吗 我们走吧
NAS, Doug. Nod and smile. All right? Let's go.
你看起来很不错
You all look good.
过得怎么样 老兄
How are you, man?
我说过 把钱都放到口袋里
And I said, well, put the money in the bag.
-你好 -演出时间
-Hello. -Showtime.
-这个家伙是专业的吗 -不 这个家伙不是专业的
-Now, is this guy also a pro? -No. This guy is not a professional.
开玩笑的 我只是开个玩笑
Just kidding. I'm just kidding.
当克里斯要求我做他的伴郎的时候
The moment Chris asked me to be his best man,
我坐下来我写了一篇非常棒的演讲稿
I sat down and I wrote a pretty awesome speech.
但是我不知道 我觉得我还是发自内心的来说吧
But I don't know. I think I'd rather speak from the heart.
别那么做 你可别撕掉你的演讲稿 千万别那样做
Don't do that. Don't you rip that paper up. You never do that.
当我和克里斯
You know, when Chris...
当我和克里斯第一次遇见的时候 我们
When Chris and I first met, we...
克里斯和我相互认识是从．．
Chris and I have known each other since...
克里斯和找 我们一起工作
Chris and I, you know, we did stuff together.
他要吐到新娘身上了
He's going to throw up on the fucking bride.
克里斯对我就像兄弟一样
And Chris has been like a brother to me.
因为我的亲兄弟死了
Well, because my real brother died.
-这个 他没有立马死掉 -不
-Well, he didn't die immediately. -No.
他们在救护车上把他救活了 过来一会他才死的
They revived him in the ambulance, and then, he died later.
他是认真的吗
Is he serious?
-阿道夫·希♥特♥勒♥曾经说过 -我的天啊
-Adolf Hitler once said... -Holy fucking shit.
-我的上帝 -老天
-Jesus Christ. -God.
我要去
I'm just going to...
有一件事情是我要说的
There was this one thing I wanted to reference.
-你们知道是什么吗 去你们的 狼獾队 兄弟
You know what? Fuck it. Wolverines, brother!
我爱你 谢谢
I love you. Thank you.
-那甚至不是对的路 -这里没有出口
-That's not even the right way. -It's not an exit.
好了 1 2
Okay. One, two...
-你还好吗 -是的
-Are you okay? -Yeah.
-我们去跳舞吧 -不了 谢谢
-Let's go dance. -No, thanks.
道格 你可以把你的大屁♥股♥藏在袋裤里面．．
Douglas, you can hide a fat ass in baggy pants,
但是你不能把一个差劲的舞者藏起来
but you cannot hide a bad dancer.
来吧 我要教你一些基本的
Come on, I'll teach you some basics.
我不要跳舞
I'm not dancing.
我的工作就是 要让你在婚礼当天看起来相当棒
It is my job to make you look good on your wedding day.
现在 我需要你把不舒服 变得舒服起来 来吧
Now, I need you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Come on.
别再娘娘腔了 我们跳舞去
Stop being a pussy. Let's dance.
-来 你来带着我 -不 我不想带
-Come on, you lead. -No, I don't want to lead.
好的 好吧 胆小鬼 道格
Okay, then, fine, be the chick, Doug.
-仔细一想 我还是带着你 -不管怎样 道格
-On second thought, I will lead. -Whatever, Doug.
-跟着我就好 -我真的不明白
-Just follow me -I really don't get it.
转身
Back.
-这个圈转的不错 -谢谢
-Nice rond de jambe. -Thanks.
12年的舞蹈课
Twelve years of dance lessons.
我妈妈说过"迟早有一天 他们会派上用场的"
My mom said, "One day, they would come in handy."
我一直在脑子里质疑她说的话
I doubt this is what she had in mind.
你问我像格雷琴这样的女孩 是怎么看上我的
You asked how a gal like Gretchen could fall for a yutz like me.
我带她去跳舞了
I took her dancing.
你这个混♥蛋♥
You bastard.
所以 我接到了一个不知道哪打来的电♥话♥
So, I get a call out of nowhere,
曾经一起上学的家伙
a guy I went to school with.
我基本上都不认识这个孩子
I barely even knew the kid.
他说"我刚刚订婚了"
He goes, "I just got engaged."
自然地 我就说"太好了恭喜你"
Naturally, I go, "Great. Congratulations."
然后 他说"你能当我的伴郎吗"
Then, he says, "Can you be my best man?"
-我基本上都不认识这个孩子 -哇 那真是奇怪
-I barely knew the kid. -Wow, that is so weird.
所以我开始思考"最坏的情况是什么"
So, I get to thinking, "What's the worst that can happen?"
这个家伙的婚礼有我
The guy's wedding party consisted of me,
新娘的兄弟
the bride's brother,
还有菲律宾的交换生
and this Filipino exchange student.
那真是差劲 道格
And it was so sad, Doug.
所有人都在想"为什么这个女人要嫁给这个失败者"
Everybody is thinking, "Why in the hell would this woman marry this loser?"
所以我拿起麦克风 我开始讲
So, I grab the microphone and I just get to talking about
我们是如何攀登喜马拉雅山 我们是如何钓鲨鱼的
how we climbed the Himalayas, how we fished for sharks,
这个人是如何在 我在酒吧打架的时候救了我
how this guy saved me in a barroom brawl one time.
全都是扯淡
So much bullshit.
然后我环视四周 我看到新娘
And I look over and I see the bride.
她拉着他的胳膊 道格
She's got his arm, Doug.
她紧紧的抓住他的胳膊 而且她高兴极了
She's got his arm so tight and she's glowing.
因为她嫁给了这个惊人的家伙
Because she's marrying this amazing guy.
这个家伙向我走来 说"哇"
This man comes up to me and goes, "Wow.
我愿意付钱
"I would pay money
"来让人在我的婚礼上这么说"
"to have somebody talk like that about me at my wedding."
灵光一现
Light bulb.
那就是这个婚礼生意诞生的那一天
That's the day that this wedding hustle was born.
就是那一天我成为了婚礼替身
That's the day that I became The Wedding Ringer.
现在 我不想你认为我是一个没有．．
Now, I don't want you to think that I'm some sort of schmuck
任何朋友的蠢蛋
who doesn't have any friends.
不
No.
你知道吗
You know,
我的父亲他是一个国际税收代理人 好吧
my father, he was an international tax attorney, right?
所以 我们总是到处搬家
So, we moved around all the time.
在八年级之前 我去过13所学校
I went to 13 different schools by the eighth grade.