定制伴郎

Three out of seven of your groomsmen are Hall of Famers.
她会离开我的 我知道 你不会告诉她 是吧
She'll leave me, I know it. You're not gonna tell her, are you?
-她很快就会知道的 -老天
-She's going to find out soon enough. -God.
为什么你之前不跟我说一些
Why didn't you say something to me before?
自从我求婚以后 我就上了一辆高速2列车
I've been on a bullet train ever since I proposed.
我已经几个月没睡好觉了
I haven't slept in months.
我不能让任何事情慢下来 我一直在变瘦 我只是
I can't keep anything down. I keep losing weight. I just...
我只是想让她开心
I just want her to be happy.
-事实永远是最好的 -如果事实是行不通的呢
-The truth is always the best. -What if the truth isn't an option?
那么
Well...
还有一个方法
There is one other thing.
嘿 嘿 卢 把那东西弄走 老兄
Hey, hey! Lou, knock that shit off, man.
别担心卢 他两年前把一半的大脑切除了
Don't worry about Lou. He had half his brain removed two years ago.
-去你的 -好吧
-Fuck off. -Okay.
嘿 你知道我在哪里可以找到地下室么
Hey, do you know where I can find the basement?
有什么我可以帮你的
May I help you?
嗨 是的 是的 我来找吉米·卡拉汉
Hi. Yeah. Yeah, I'm looking for Jimmy Callahan.
-谁介绍你来的 古斯吗 -不 埃德蒙多
-Who sent you? The Goose? -No. Edmundo.
欢迎来到伴郎股份有限公♥司♥
Welcome to The Best Man Inc.
那么 埃德蒙多介绍你来找你的圣人
So, Edmundo sent you to come find the Oracle.
我能为你做些什么
What can I do for you?
嗨 是的 我想我有几个问题
Hi. Yeah, I guess I do have a few questions.
你到底是做什么的
What exactly do you do?
我提供伴郎服务 为那些像你这样没有伴郎的人
I provide best man services for guys like yourself who lack in such areas.
所以 不是只育我一个人
So, I'm not alone?
一个人 不
Alone? No.
我经营着一个因为有你这样的人 收入不菲的生意
I run a very profitable business because of guys like you.
告诉你一个好玩的事情 一个孩子去了康奈尔大学
Here's a fun fact for you. A kid goes to Cornell University.
他显然光顾自♥慰♥了
He obviously has way too much time on his hands.
他最近选了的几个真正的朋友 一般来说美国人都有
He recently confirmed the number of real friends the average American has.
意思是说 我们不是在谈论脸书上面虚拟的朋友
That means we're not talking about the phony Facebook friends here.
我们是在说 那些知道你的片儿都放哪的朋友
We're talking about the friends who know where your porn stash is.
自1985年以来 真正朋友的平均数
That number has dropped
已经从3个下降到了2个
from three to two since 1985.
是吗 我一个都没有
Really? I don't have any.
你觉得去年在美国 一共有多少场婚礼
How many weddings do you think were in the US last year?
Four hundred and fifty...
-240万 -4百万
-2.4 million. -Four million.
那就意味着要有240万的伴郎
That means there were 2.4 million grooms.
你觉得他们中的每一个
Do you think that each and every single one of
都有人做他们的伴郎吗
them has someone to be their best man?
哇 我从来不知道有你这样的人存在
Wow. I never knew people like you existed.
我就像一个天使 我只在你需要我的时候出现
I'm like an angel. I'm only there when you need me to be.
打扰一下 你要走了 吉米
Excuse me. You got to get going, Jimmy.
-贝丝·沙洛姆 对吧 -贝丝·耶利米
-Beth Shalom, right? -Beth Yirmeyahu.
我不明白为什么他们要在．．．
I don't understand why they do these things
交通拥堵中的时候举♥行♥婚礼 很烦人
in the middle of traffic. It's annoying.
那么 你怎么跟你未婚妻说的
So, what did you tell your fiancée?
我跟她说我已经确定了伴郎人选
I told her that I have a best man lined up.
你告诉她是老诺顿·温切尔 对吧
You gave her the old Norton Winchell, huh?
我做了什么
I did what now?
诺顿·温切尔 是一个虚拟的朋友
The Norton Winchell. It's the imaginary-friend cover.
这是业余者的行动 但是很常见
It's an amateur move, but it's common.
那么你的父母呢 他们也参与么
What about your parents? They in on it?
你不需要担心他们
You don't have to worry about them.
为什么 他们不接受这门婚事吗
Why, they protesting the marriage?
-不 他们几年前就去世了 -那真是太完美了
-No, they passed away several years ago. -That's perfect.
-这是一场大婚礼还是小婚礼 -大婚礼
-Is this a large wedding or a small wedding? -Large.
-联欢会还是家庭聚会 -联欢会
-Social or family? -Social.
汉考克公园 贝莱尔市 帕利塞兹
Hancock Park, Bel Air, Palisades?
市中心 洛杉矶千禧酒店
Downtown, Millennium Biltmore.
好的 那你看看我的一些套餐
All right. Let's go over some of my packages.
如果你想找一个基本的单身伙伴
If you're looking for a basic Single Wing Ringman,
那我就去当你的伴郎 我会一整天都在你的婚礼上
that's where I'm your best man, I attend your wedding for the full day.
-好的 -如果你需要什么更为深入的
-Okay. -If you need something a little more involved,
比如说我要在整个周末都参加庆典
where I participate in all the festivities for the weekend,
那你说的就是青铜蝴蝶结
then you're talking about a Bronze Bow Tie.
现在 如果你有一些真正的问题
Now, if you've got real problems, what you need is a Silver Cuff Link.
那你需要的就是白银袖扣般的服务
what you need is a Silver Cuff Link.
那包含青铜蝴蝶结里面的所有东西
Now, that includes everything in the Bronze Bow Tie
还加上三个 额外的三个伴郎 来平衡伴娘
plus an additional three groomsmen to balance out the bridesmaids.
再额外付一千美元
For an extra thousand dollars,
如果你喜欢 我就额外给你办一场单身派对
I'll throw you a bachelor party to your liking.
-你对于挑选伴郎怎么样 -一点都不擅长
-How are you looking on groomsmen? -Not good at all.
-不擅长挑选一个还是两个 -我需要七个
-Not good as in you need one or two? -I need seven.
-你需要七个伴郎 -我需要
-You need seven groomsmen? -I do.
保知道你在要求什么吗
Do you have any idea what you're asking for?
你在要求我完成黄金燕尾服的服务
You're asking me to pull off a Golden Tux.
是的 你看 我在这张小册子上没有看到
Yeah. See, I don't see that on this pamphlet here.
那不在小册子上面
It's not on the pamphlet.
因为你说的那些 都是我们平时开玩笑的
Because what you're talking about is what we joke about around here.
是个笑话"嘿 我们应该试着做黄金燕尾服的服务"
That's a laugh. "Hey, we should try to do a Golden Tux."
太多感人的部分 太多事情容易出错
Too many moving parts. Too many things can go wrong.
-不 -但是这都有名字的
-No. -But there's a name for it.
那些头上有角的马 也有名字
There's also a name for a horse with a horn on its head.
那叫做独角兽 那并不意味着我能给你弄来一个
It's called a unicorn. It doesn't mean I can get you one.
她会离开我的 我需要你的帮助
She will leave me. I need your help.
你说的都是不合规矩的范围
You're talking about unchartered territory.
从来没有人要求我提供黄金燕尾服的服务
No one's ever asked me to pull off a Golden Tux.
而且至少是两周
And in less than two weeks?
我有一份不错的工作 我有一份真正的生意
Look, I have a nice job, I have a real nice business.
我不需要这种压力 老兄
I don't need this kind of pressure, man.
我不在乎要花多少钱 我需要黄金燕尾服
I don't care how much it costs. I need a Golden Tux!
你觉得她值得这样吗
Are you sure she's worth it?
像我这样的人 是得不到她那样的女孩的
A guy like me doesn't land a girl like her.
所以 我说谎说我有一堆朋友
So, I lied about having a bunch of friends.
我以为那样会让我看起来很酷
I thought it would make me look cool.
我从来没想过她会喜欢我 答应嫁给我
Never did I think she would like me, let alone agree to marry me.
我在娶一个 在我这辈子里
I am marrying a girl who, all my life,
我都不曾想 能再一次看上我的一个女孩
I never would have thought would have looked at me twice.
而我现在要娶她了
And I am marrying her.
我要怎么面对这个善意的小谎言
What's a little white lie in the face of that?
拜托帮帮我 我不知道该做些什么
Please help me. I don't know what else to do.
我爱这个女孩
I love this girl.
-我要迟到了 来吧 上车 -真的吗
-I'm late. Come on, get in the car. -Really?
-是的 -我应该跟着你吗
-Yeah. -Should I follow you...
-不 赶紧上车 拜托 -你会把我载回来这里
-No, get in my car. Come on. -And you'll drop me off back here...
-你能赶紧上车吗 拜托 -好的
-Will you just get in the damn car, please? -Okay.
我迟到了 老兄 该死的 该死的白人
I'm late, man. God damn it. Fucking white people.
现在 在这一刻 我要有请
Now, at this time, I would like to bring up
斯图尔特最好的朋友来说几句
Stuart's best friend to say a few words.
就在五年前 当我在斯图尔特的婚礼上讲话的时候
Just five short years ago, when I spoke at Stuart's wedding,
我从来没想过 我会这么快就在他的葬礼上讲话
I never expected to be speaking at his funeral so soon.
作为旧威尔逊高中唯一的黑人犹太人
As the only Ethiopian Jew at A.J. Wilson High School,
我总是被欺负
I was bullied quite often.
我记得有一次
I remember one time
这些孩子把我的午饭抢过去 撒了一地
when these kids took my lunch and spilled it all over my lap.
在那以后 他们开始给我起外号♥
After they did it, they started to call me mean names.
他们有的人甚至叫我瞳孔犹犹
Some of them even called me Pupil Jew-Jew.
因为他们说 当他们把走廊的灯关上的时候
Because they said when they turned the lights out in the hallway,
他们唯一能看到的就是我的眼白"瞳孔犹犹"
all they could see was my eye pupils. "Pupil Jew-Jew."
"瞳孔犹犹来了"
"Here comes Pupil Jew-Jew."
他们其中一些人 甚至对我做可怕的恶作剧
Some of them even did awful Sammy Davis Jr.
当着我的面
impressions to my face.
"沙啵啵 你这个黑犹犹"
"Sha boing boing, you black Jew-Jew."
我被炒牛肉酱 土豆泥和蔬菜拼盘所淹没
I was covered in sloppyjoe and mashed potatoes and vegetable medley.
然后我抬头看
And I look up,
我看到了斯图尔特
and I see Stu.
他站在那里 手里拿着一把纸巾
He was standing there with a handful of napkins.
他脸上的笑容好像在说"一起都会没事的"
And a smile on his face as if to say, "Everything was going to be okay."
斯图尔特也许已经到了他的安息日 但他仍陪伴着我们
Stuart may have gone to that big Shabbat in the sky, but he's still with us.