定制伴郎

阿尔扎多 你是个电脑程序员
Alzado, you're a computer programmer.
你和道格是在巴吞鲁日的会议上碰见的
You met Dougie at a conference in Baton Rouge.
你想换一下吗
Do you want to trade?
当然了 我需要吃肉的老兄
Hell, yeah. I need to eat some meat, man.
-素食主义可不适合我 -嘿 这里不允许什么交易
-This vegan life isn't for me. -Hey. There will be no trading!
还有很么事情吗 道格
Anything else, Doug?
是的 普伦基特要坐在轮椅上
Yeah. Plunkett's got to be in a wheelchair.
-他被车撞了 -什么
-He was hit by a car. -What?
-这个 并不好笑 -我还要泡妞呢
-Well, it's not funny. -I'm supposed to crush ass.
我告诉过他 他可以来泡妞的
I told him he was going to crush ass.
听好了 再检查一遍你们的三围
Listen up. Double check your measurements
还有让你们的把戏完美一些 伙计们
and perfect your PTD's, guys.
-那是什么 -那是你们的注意力分散把戏
-"PTD's"? -That's your Party Trick Distractions.
如果你被逼到角落里
If you get backed in a corner
而你不知道怎么做 亮出你的派对把戏
and you don't know what to do, pull out your PTD.
我能展示我的伦敦腔吗
Can I do my Cockney accent?
你是犹他州的一个校长 为什么你会有伦敦腔呢
You're a principal in Utah. Why the fuck would you have a Cockney accent?
我以前可能住过哪里 对吧
I could have moved there, right?
还有什么问题吗
Any more questions?
是的 单身派对是什么时候
Yeah. When is the bachelor party?
我在文件夹里面没有看到
I don't see nothing in the package about it.
这个问题不错
That's a good question.
不 不 这里没有什么单身派对
No, no. There's going to be no bachelor party.
格雷琴和我 我们都觉得我们最好
Gretchen and I, we both decided that it was better that we...
别说了 没有什么事情是要你们共同决定的
Stop. Stop.There's no such thing as a mutual decision
除非你们结婚了
until after you're married.
现在 唯一的"我们"
Right now, the only "we..."
就是我和我的蛋蛋
ls me and my balls.
蛋蛋
Balls.
好了 伙计们 挺好了
All right, guys, listen up.
你们有一周的时间 去把这些资料弄熟
You have one week to know this information so well,
让它变为你们记忆中 永久的一部分
it becomes a permanent part of your memory.
这意味着 我们有一周的时间 去完成这第一次的
That means that we've got one week to pull off the first ever
黄金燕尾服般的服务
Golden Tux.
有些事情你们要明白 从来没人做过这个 先生们
Understand something. This has never been done, gentlemen.
让我们去创造历史吧嗯
Let's go make some fucking history, huh?
可以了
Got it.
嘿 嘿 你这个混♥蛋♥
Hey! Hey, you son of a bitch!
去死吧 去死吧
Suck it! Suck it!
你可以去死了
You're going to suck it!
你好
Hello.
经典 道格
Classic, Doug!
我们走 我们走 我们走
Let's go, let's go, let's go!
你弄好了 好的我们走
You got it? All right, let's go.
走 走
Go, go!
你在干什么 这是我在越南学过的一个小把戏
What are you doing? It's a trick I learned in Vietnam.
我的天啊 你在干什么
My God. What are you doing?
-只不过是准备了一点这个东西 -塔希提
-Just prepping for a little bit of this. -Tahiti?
投票第一位的 最浪漫的蜜月圣地
Voted the number-one most romantic honeymoon destination.
-真是太棒了 -这会非常棒的
-That's amazing! -It's going to be incredible.
我的天啊 亲爱的 这真是
My gosh. Honey, that's...
嘿 你这周是怎么了 我从未见你如此的活泼
Hey, what has gotten into you this week? I've just never seen you so frisky.
我只是觉得一切都太好了 我们这周六就要结婚了
I just feel really good about everything. We're getting married on Saturday.
我很兴奋 你的朋友们都会来
It's exciting. Your friends are gonna be there.
我的朋友们也都会到
My friends are all gonna be there.
我只是希望一切都顺利 我已经看了10天的天气预报
I just hope it all goes smoothly. I checked the 10-day forecast.
宝贝 这是洛杉矶 这里看起来不像会下雨的样子
Sweetie, it's LA. It's not like it's going to rain.
你刚才说了些什么 你在开玩笑嘛
What the fuck did you just say? Are you kidding?
-你在做什么 -为什么你要说不吉利的话
-What are you doing? -Why did you say the fucking R-word?
冷静 冷静 我没说这里会下雨
Calm down. Calm down. I didn't say it was going to rain.
你又说了一遍 这是你两分钟内说的第二次了
You just said it again. This is twice now in two minutes.
你是认真的吗
Are you fucking serious?
格雷琴 冷静
Gretchen, calm down.
我只是不明白 你为什么一直说这愚蠢的话
I just don't understand why you continue to say this stupid shit.
好吧 你是对的 但是你知道吗
Okay, you're right. But you know what?
我们爬了哪里的冰山
We climbed the glaciers of what?
是 是
It was... It was...
-是巴塔哥尼亚 -巴德尼亚
-it's Patagonia. -Padronia.
巴塔哥尼亚
Patagonia.
政♥治♥主张
Political views?
-忠于共和党 -没问题
-Staunch Republican. -Got it.
-巴塔哥尼亚 -巴贡
-Patagonia. -Pagon.
-我是一名医生 -哪种类型的
-I'm a doctor. -What type?
-足病医生 -对的吧
-Podiatrist. -Is that right?
-我觉得是对的 -就是这么说的吗
-I think that's right. -That's what it says?
-是的 我是个儿童医生 -不
-Yeah. I'm a kid doctor. -No.
-你对谷蛋白的看法是什么 -都是虚构的
-What are your views on gluten? -It's a myth.
-巴塔 -巴塔
-Pata... -Pata...
走
go...
我的名字是霍比·普伦基特 而且我收集
My name is Hobie Plunkett and I collect...
-戏单 -卷心菜娃娃吗
-Playbills. -Cabbage Patch Kids?
不 老兄 那是别的国家的宠物 你这个蠢蛋
No, man, it's exotic pets, you dumb motherfucker.
蠢蛋 你甚至都不会说"巴塔哥尼亚"你个白♥痴♥
Dumb? You can't even say "Patagonia, " you idiot.
-加维的家里 拥有一个"空白的"农场 -毛丝鼠
-Garvey's family owns a "blank" farm. -Chinchillas.
不错
Nice.
嘿 来 我们要设计出敬酒词 老兄
Hey, come on, we have to hammer out this toast, man.
好的
Right.
他们会想知道 为什么她是你的"命中注定"
They're going to want to know why she's "the one."
就像一个乐队 演奏他们最流行的歌♥曲
It's like a band playing their most popular song.
大家都等着听呢
The crowd is just waiting to hear it.
让我们从你第一次看到她开始
Let's start with the first time you saw her.
她当时穿着裙子
She was wearing a dress.
而且她美极了
And she was pretty.
就这些了 你为什么要娶她 你为什么爱她
That's it? Why are you marrying her? Why are you in love with her?
她跟其他你遇见的女孩有什么不同
What makes her different than any other girl that you ever met?
-她跟我说话 -她跟你说话
-She talked to me. -She talked to you?
怎么了 是的 我说真的 她的父亲是公♥司♥的客户
What? Yeah, seriously. Her dad was a client at the firm.
我见过她几次 但是她从未给过我一天的时间
I had seen her a couple of times, but she never gave me the time of day.
然后有一天我偶然碰到她 感觉就不一样了
And then one day I ran into her, and it was just different.
她知道我的名字 她邀请我一起去吃三明治
She knew my name, she asked me to go get a sandwich.
你这帮不了我 你需要挖掘更深层的东西
You're not helping me. You have to dig deep.
比如"穿过整间屋子
Like, "From across the room,
她看着我 我发誓那就像慢镜头一样"
she looked at me and I swear it was like slow motion.
"屋子里的所有东西都静止了"
"All the room stood still.
"我闭上我的眼睛 我伸出我的手"
I closed my eyes and I reached out my hand,
"我得到的 是一个灵魂"
"and in return, I got a soul.
"就在那时 我知道我们是彼此的灵魂伴侣"
"And that's when I knew that we were soul mates."
-那是我需要的 道格 -但是那不是真的
-That's what I need, Doug. -But that's not real.
好吧 印第安人 你想看看什么是真的么
All right, Tonto. Do you want to see real?
-呦 -普塔·马德尔我来了
-Yo! -Puta madre. I'm coming.
嗨 我的天啊
Hi! My God!
真是一个惊喜
What a delightful surprise.
我希望你们来之前能打个电♥话♥ 我的地方就是一个猪窝
I wish you would have called before. My place is a pig sty.
埃迪 嘿 埃迪 停下来 别这样
Eddie. Hey, Eddie, stop. Stop.
别装了 他是我们的人
No mas. He's one of us.
搞什么鬼 混♥蛋♥
What the fuck, cabrén?
是的 这里到底发生了什么
Yeah. What the hell is going on here?
我想给你介绍一下 混♥蛋♥版的埃迪·桑切斯
I want to introduce you to Dirty Eddie Sanchez.
他的家族拥有的婚礼 策划生意
His family had a wedding planning business
是全市最大的其中一个
that was one of the biggest in the city.
但是 当父亲和新娘来弄光盘和蓝♥光♥的时候
But, after Father of the Bride came out on DVD and Blu-ray,
没人愿意听一个来自博伊尔高地的 墨西哥小子的建议
nobody wanted to take advice from a Mexican kid from Boyle Heights.
所以 他就决定做的娘一点
So, what he decided to do was flame it up a little bit.
因此 就是埃德蒙多
Hence, Edmundo.
-生意一飞冲天 -真是乱啊
-Business skyrocketed. -This is so fucked up on so many levels.
那么 你为什么把他带过来
So, ese, why did you bring him here?
他把婚礼这件事看得太认真了
He's taking this wedding thing way too seriously.
好吧 挺好了 小子
All right, look, vato,
婚札只不过是一场由女人策划的
weddings are just overblown parties
实现她们自从孩子的时候
direct from women's unreasonable fantasies