定制伴郎

年前
Years ago.
亲爱的 我以为你是在几年前 在梵蒂冈见到的比克
Honey, I thought you saw Bic at the Vatican a couple years ago.
-等一下 你刚才说什么 -当时你在罗马你和比克
-Wait, what did you say? -When you were in Rome, you and Bic.
是的 这就对了
Boy, that's right.
因为你三月份就离开了 炙热阴♥道♥苏打水
Because you left in March. Red-hot pussy seltzer.
对吧 对的 是的 听起来是对的
Right? Right. Yeah. That sounds right.
-你刚才说了什么 -呃
-What did you just say? -Hmm?
我觉得你刚才说了"炙热阴♥道♥苏打水"
I think you said, "Red-hot pussy seltzer."
-为什么你要说那个 -炙热阴♥道♥苏打水
-Why would you say that? -Red-hot pussy seltzer?
亲爱的
Honey?
-34乘12是多少 -408
-What's 34 times 12? -408.
该死 我没想到能这么快得出答案
Shit, I didn't expect an answer that quick.
深呼吸 道格
Breathe, Doug.
宝贝 你到底怎么了
Baby, what is going on with you?
我
I...
我
I...
我需要跟你们坦白
I have to be honest with you guys.
我的天啊
My God!
-宝贝 -该死 那个好烫啊
-Honey? -Shit, that burns!
大伙 那个真的好烫 对不起 道格
Guys, that was so hot. I'm sorry, Doug.
真的好烫
It burns!
-老天 -对不起 我不知道那个那么烫 大伙
-God! -Sorry. I didn't know it was that hot, guys.
-我很抱歉 -没事的
-I'm so sorry. -It's okay.
-我着火了 -我的老天
-I'm on fire! -My God!
该死 不 她着火了
Shit! No! She's on fire!
-这简直就是地狱 -天啊
-It's an inferno! -Holy shit!
-我需要一些液体 -退后
-I need liquids! -Get back!
-天啊 -拿点什么东西
-My God! -Get something!
这更糟糕了
It's making it worse!
-给我桌布 -你们怎么了
-Give me the tablecloth! -What is wrong with you?
我去拿点别的东西
I'm going to get something else!
她着火着的太快了
She just caught fire so fast.
别难过 道格 她今天还要经历一整罐绿色液体的检查
Don't feel bad, Doug. She goes through a can of Aqua Net a day.
嘿 他们说什么 她没事吧 她会没事的吧
Hey, what did they say? Is she okay? Is she going to be all right?
格雷琴 你有多喜欢你的奶奶
Gretchen, how do you like your grandma?
什么 我爱她 你知道的 发生什么了
What? I love her. You know that. What happened?
不 我是说 你有多喜欢她 中等还是特喜欢
No, I mean, how do you like her? Medium, well-done?
我的老天 爸 你真是一个混♥蛋♥
My God, Dad. You can be such an asshole.
她的头部 胸部 后背 脖子和乳♥房♥♥都有轻微的烧伤
She has some minor burns to her head, chest, back, neck, and breasts,
但是医生说她会没事的
but the doctor says she's going to be fine.
-谢天谢地 -来 我们去看看她
-Thank God. -Come on, let's go see her.
我感觉很差
I feel just awful.
没事 别管了 如果你知道她背后是怎么说你的
Well, shake it off. If you knew what the old lady says behind your back,
你肯定就会故意那么做了
you would have done it on purpose.
但让我说 这对于一个新手来说已经不错了
But let me say, that was a hell of a tackle for a tenderfoot.
新手 道格在大学的时候可是中卫
Tenderfoot? Douglas was quite the halfback back in college.
你玩橄榄球吗 道格 你怎么从来没跟我说过
You played football, Doug? How come you never told me?
我以为你只是一个脑残粉
I thought you were just a nerd fan.
是的 是的 就是学校内部的
Yeah. Yeah, intramurals, scrimmage.
我们并列争球 并列争球 男孩们
We scrimmaged, the boys.
还有 你知道吗 我参加过几次大学生橄榄球联赛
And, you know, I made the all-campus team a couple times in football.
我曾经是联盟中的一个中卫
I was an all-conference nose tackle.
队伍里的一半人会来参加婚礼
Half the team's coming in for the wedding.
为什么我们不来一个友谊赛呢
Why don't we have a friendly game of two-hand touch?
长辈队对伴郎队 你觉得怎么样
You know, the old-timers versus the groomsmen. What do you say?
我觉得这个邀请不错 艾德
I think that's quite the invitation, Ed,
但是现在还有很多事情 我就是觉得时间不太够
but there's so much going on. I just feel like there's not enough time.
怎么了 比克
What's the matter, Bic?
害怕你的屁♥股♥被我们这些老骨头踢到吗
Afraid of getting your asses kicked by some old-timers?
我不这么觉得 波普斯
I don't think so, Pops.
所有事情都考虑到了 对于一个简短的介绍来说并不坏
All things considered, not that bad for a Shotgun Intro.
并不坏 我刚刚把格雷琴的奶奶点着了
Not that bad? I just set Gretchen's grandmother on fire.
错了 我们为了任务的目的 牺牲了奶奶
Wrong. We sacrificed Grandma for the sake of the mission.
-我感觉糟透了 -感觉跟他们是否反对你没有关系
-I feel terrible. -Feelings are irrelevant in the big con.
重要的是 我们的伪装并没有被识破
What's important is that our cover wasn't blown.
我们遇到的每个测试都是一样的 要么通过 要么失败
Every test that we encounter will be the same, pass or fail.
只要我们通过了 怎么通过就不重要了
As long as we pass, it doesn't matter how we do it.
我还是不敢相信 他们竟然都信了
I still can't believe they actually bought all that.
人们相信 是因为他们没有理由不相信
People believe because they have no reason not to.
我们必须要掌控整个游戏 那家人很敏锐
We're going to have to be on top of our game. That family was sharp.
来吧 我们要出发了
Come on, we've got to go.
我找了一些真正重要的人 等着我们呢
I've got some really important people waiting on us.
看看谁来了 道格 道 道
Look who I have? Dougie-Doug-Doug!
-新人道格 -道格 你看起来不错老兄
-Dougie Fresh! -Doug, you look great, man.
-你瘦了死胖子 -他必须要瘦下来
-You're losing weight, fat ass. -He had to lose weight.
好 了好了 停下来
All right. All right, stop.
-这些人是谁 -什么 你在开玩笑嘛
-Who are these people? -What, are you kidding?
-你不认识这些人吗 -不
-You don't recognize these guys? -No.
你在找你的伴郎团 拜托 老兄
You're looking at your groomsmen. Come on, man.
嘿 道格
Hey, Doug.
-过得怎么样老兄 -很好很不错你呢
-How have you been, bro? -Good. Yeah, real good. You?
还是老样子
You know, same old same old.
-别这样 伙计 别这样 -每次都奏效 每次
-Stop it, man. Stop it, man. -Every time. Every time.
吉米 我能跟你聊两句吗 这些人不能做我的伴郎
Jimmy, can I talk to you for a second? These guys cannot be my groomsmen.
你在说什么
What are you talking about?
就一件事 这看起来就像整个七宝奇谋
For one thing, it looks like the entire cast of Goonies
都长大了 而且都变成了强♥奸♥犯
grew up and became rapists.
这个人尤其看起来
This one in particular looks
像刚从监狱里面放出来一样
like he just broke out of a federal fucking prison.
这事你要保持低调 因为他就是
What you need to do is keep it down because he did.
-而且他在里面强♥暴♥了很多人 是的 -我的天啊上帝
-And he raped a lot of men in there. Yes. -My God. Jesus.
他是有黑暗的过去 但是如果你给那个家伙穿上一身礼服
He's got a dark past, but when you throw a tux on that son of a bitch,
你就再也找不到比他更好的了
you're not going to find anybody better.
这个亚洲人把他的鸡鸡露出来了
The Asian has his dick out.
远藤 把它放回去
Endo, put it up.
-不 -你需要准备一个新的派对把戏
-No. -You have to get a new party trick.
-人们喜欢它 -那是第三个睾丸吗
-People love it. -Is that a third testicle?
-他有三个睾丸吗 -是的 我有三个
-Does he have three testicles? -Yeah, I've got three.
-那怎么能算是派对把戏 -在这或者在那里都不是
-How is that a party trick? -That's neither here nor there.
-我死定了 -你没有给我很多时间 老兄
-I'm dead. -You didn't give me a lot of time, man.
上帝
God.
你给了我七个名字 我给你带回来了七个伴郎
You gave me seven names, I brought you back seven groomsmen.
-我想我应该取消 -不这些人都很不错 老兄
-I should just call it off. -No! These guys are great, man.
你在找好中之最 不是好中之最
You're looking at the best of the best. Not the best of the best.
他们是我挑选的里面最好的了
They're the best of what I had to choose from.
我死定了
I'm dead.
-我们有迪克森 -呦
-We've got Dickerson. -Yo.
迪克森 你是一个来自加拿大的酒吧歌♥手
Dickerson, you're a lounge singer from Canada.
你一个礼拜要在瓦拉诺克演奏四晚
You perform four nights a week at the Walleye Nook.
你需要熟悉汤姆·琼斯的歌♥ 现在这是你必须要做的事情
You do a mean Tom Jones. Now, that part's imperative.
除非你可以唱 否则她是不会买♥♥账的
She won't buy it unless she knows that you can sing.
道格 我不想显得很无礼 但是没人是来玩的
Doug, I'm not trying to be rude, but nobody here really gives a fuck.
我们在分派角色
We're just assigning roles.
我们可以晚一点再研究额外的细节
We can get all the ancillary particulars later on.
加维 你是一个植物学家
Garvey, you're a botanist.
你和道格从6年级到10年级都一起去露营
You and Doug went to camp together from 6th grade through 10th.
兰比斯 你是一个校长 在犹他州普洛佛的圣彼得中学
Rambis, you're a principal at Saint Peter's Middle School in Provo, Utah.
而且你还是地区的壁球冠军 左撇子 发的一手好球
And you're a regional racquetball champion. Lefty, good serve.
普伦基特 你是一名律师
Plunkett, you're a lawyer.
你专门研究关于林业的环境法
You specialize in environmental law with a focus on forestry.
卡鲁 你在诺克斯维尔当一名足部医生
Carew, you're a podiatrist in Knoxville.
离过婚 没有孩子
Divorced, no kids.
我必须要说 这些人看起来都有点不靠谱
I have to say, all these guys seem a little off,
但是至少你看起来挺正常的
but you at least look normal.
谢谢 道格 我很感激 老兄
Thanks, Doug, I appreciate that, man.
我很高兴能来到这里
I'm just happy to be here.
德赖斯代尔 你在保多尼亚社区大学教哲学
Drysdale, you teach philosophy at Bardonia Community College.
你是一个素食主义者
You're a vegan.
你还在写你的第一本书 名字叫做《奇妙之路》
You're also working on your first book called The Way of Wonder.
那是什么意思 谢谢 道格 你这个混♥蛋♥
What the fuck does that even mean? Thanks, Doug, you fucking asshole.