定制伴郎

So, I've gotta go.
-伙计 你在等我吗 -是的 是
-Bud, are you waiting on me? -Yeah. Yes.
-让我们回去吧 嗯 -好的
-Let's get back out there, huh? -Yeah.
-是时候跳第一只舞了 -是的
-Time for the first dance. -Yes, it is.
你真的很漂亮
You are so beautiful
对于我来说
To me
你真的很漂亮
You are so beautiful
对于我来说
To me
剩下人可否去跟幸福的新人一起跳舞呢
Will the rest of the wedding party please join the happy couple?
你是我希望的一切
You're everything I hoped for
你是我需要的一切
You're everything I need
-所以 你到底是谁 -我不是很明白你说的是什么
-So, who are you really? -I'm not sure I know what you mean by that.
在最后的几天里总是有一些 让人♥质♥疑的举动
There has just been some questionable behavior over the last couple of days.
比如说你把我奶奶点着
Like you setting my grandmother on fire.
神秘的军事代码"橱柜"
The secret military codes. "Kitchen cabinets."
你要知道的就是 上帝的方式总是很神秘
What you have to understand is that the Lord works in mysterious ways.
-而且他 -我不知道什么上帝
-And he thanketh... -I don't know about the Lord.
你总是很神秘
You work in mysterious ways.
我
...me
-谢谢一起跳舞 -不客气
-Thanks for the dance. -No problem.
谢谢
Thank you.
我要跟你谈一谈 我们要谈一谈
I got to talk. We got to talk.
-出什么问题了 怎么了 -我觉得我犯了一个大错
-What's the problem? What's going on? -I think I made a terrible mistake.
格雷琴并不爱我 她从来没有
Gretchen doesn't love me. She never has.
别说了 停下来 当然了 她爱你
Stop it. Stop. Of course, she loves you.
你为什么要那么说
Why would you even say that?
我听到了你们两个的谈话 好吗
I overheard the two of you talking, okay?
好吧 听着 也许她只是有一点迷茫了
Okay, listen. Maybe she's confused,
或者太敏感了
or she has the jitters.
这对于一个 在这个阶段的女人来说太正常了 道格
That's perfectly normal for a woman at this stage, Doug.
-你需要明白 -这都不重要 我也不爱她
-You have to understand that. -It doesn't matter. I don't love her, either.
我喜欢那种 看起来很不错的女孩可能喜欢我的想法
I love the idea that a girl who looks that hot could like me.
我无法相信 但是她不是我的"命中注定"吉米
I couldn't believe it. But she's not "the one, " Jimmy.
她甚至都不是什么"第二个"或者"第三个"人选
She's not even "the two" or "the three, " for that matter.
道格 九天前 你过来找我
Doug, nine days ago, you came to me
要求我给你创造一个奇迹
and you asked me to pull off a miracle.
现在 就差30分钟我们就要完成黄金燕尾服的服务了
Right now, we're 30 minutes away from pulling off a Golden Tux.
我知道 然后呢 然后我又要回到自己一个人
I know. But then what? Then I go back to living what turns out
孤单的生活 我不想再要那样的生活了
was a pretty lonely life. I don't want that life anymore.
-我不想成为那样的人 -道格 你要冷静下来
-I don't want to be that guy. -Doug, you have to calm down.
-所有事情都会没问题的 -我不想它仅仅是没有问题
-Everything is going to be all right. -I don't want it to be all right.
我想要非常好
I want it to be great.
我想让我的真实生活 像我雇的那人那样的有趣
I want my real life to be as fun as the one I paid for.
狗屁 道格 你不会觉得我想要这样吧
No shit, Doug. You don't think I want that?
你不认为我想成为一个三角洲的飞行员
You don't think I want to be a Delta Air Line pilot
或者露比丽登的首席财务官
or the CFO of Lubriderm
或者不管什么我假扮的
or whatever the hell else I made up,
而不是成为一个装♥修♥该死的壁橱的人吗
instead of being some guy that works out of a renovated fucking closet?
你不觉得我想邀请艾莉森出来 跟我吃个煎饼吗
You don't think I would ask Alison to come out and have a burrito with me?
我 跟吉米·卡拉汉吗
Me? With Jimmy Callahan?
或者说"嘿 道格 来吧 下周我们一起出来喝酒"
Or say, "Hey, Doug, come on, let's go have a beer next week.
"也许我们了解一个游戏"
"Maybe we can catch a game."
这些我全都想 做但是我不能
I want to do all of that shit, but I can't.
因为我不能走出去 告诉他们实情
Because I can't go out there and tell the truth.
因为你需要比克
Because you need Bic.
没人需要吉米 老兄 好吗 没人任何人需要吉米
Nobody needs Jimmy, man. Okay? Not a single soul needs Jimmy.
这就是事实 道格
That's reality, Doug.
我要走出去 完成我的祝酒词
I'm going to go out here and I'm going to make my toast,
我和你 我们之间就算结束了 我们结束了
and me and you, we are done here. We're done.
我建议你把你回到游戏中
I suggest you get your head back in the game.
现在是演出时刻
It's showtime.
晚上好 我的名字是比克·米彻姆
Good evening. My name is Bic Mitchum,
．．我只是想说 能到这来是我的荣幸
and I just want to say that it's an honor to be here.
我曾经做过很多布道 但是从未做过伴郎的演讲
I've delivered many sermons, but never a best man's speech,
所以 请对我宽容一些
so, please bear with me.
道格和我一起经历了很多 快乐和悲伤的时光
Doug and I have been through a lot together. Happy times and sad.
当我接受神职的时候
When I was accepted into the priesthood,
道格就在那里 等着给我一个拥抱
Doug was there waiting for me with a huge hug
还有拿着一本红衣主教恩德斯签名的圣经
and a Bible that was signed by Cardinal Enders.
当他的父母 默尔和艾琳
And when his parents, Merle and Irene,
去世的时候 上帝让他们的灵魂得以安息
passed, God rest their souls,
我就像他们是我亲生父母一样的哭泣
I cried as if they were my own.
我的奶奶曾经告诉过我
You know, my grandmother once told me
衡量真正的友谊 不是
that the true measure of friendship isn't...
不是你对别人的看法
Isn't how you feel about someone else.
是关于他们是如何让你认识自己的
It's about how they make you feel about yourself.
还有
And...
我说实话 我从来没有过一个朋友
I can honestly say that I've never had a friend
能给让我感觉到 你让我感觉到的 道格
to make me feel the way that you have, Doug.
对不起
I'm sorry.
当道格打给我 告诉我他想求婚
When Doug called me and told me that he wanted to propose,
我很紧张 我大概跟他一样的紧张
I was nervous. I was probably just as nervous as he was.
而且我记得我问过他
And I remember asking him,
"她是你的命中注定吗"
"Are you sure she's 'the one'?"
该死
Damn it.
-他告诉我 -停下来
-He told me he... -Stop!
-你在干什么 -别说了
-What are you doing? -Just stop.
我不知道
I don't know.
道格
Doug.
你在干什么 道格
What are you doing, Doug?
你确定你想要这么做么
Are you sure that you want to go through with this?
谢谢 吉米 我在这可以的
Thanks, Jimmy. I've got it from here.
嗨 有些事情我要说
Hi. I've got something to say.
这些都不是真的
None of this is real.
什么
What?
你看 虽然这些花很美丽 而且沙拉酱也非常棒
See, although the flowers are beautiful and the salad dressing is great,
我们没有结婚 格雷琴和我
we're not married, Gretchen and I.
我们不算结婚了 因为我的朋友比克不是一个牧师
We can't be because my friend Bic is not a priest.
该死 我们开始了
Shit, here we go.
是的 实际上他甚至都不在军队里
Yeah. In fact, he's not even in the Army.
他真正的名字是吉米．．．
His real name is Jimmy,
而且我雇他做我的伴郎 因为我没有别的选择
and I hired him to be my best man because I had no other options.
我所有的伴郎都一样
Same with all my groomsmen.
我甚至都不知道他们姓什么
I actually don't even know their real last names.
-布龙斯坦 -是日本人
-Bronstein. -...is Japanese.
很高兴遇见你们各位 所以 请留下来享用蛋糕
It's good to meet you guys. So, please stay and enjoy the cake.
-我们现在怎么做 -我们需要赶紧离开这里
-What do we do now? -We need to get the fuck out of here.
是 今晚干得不错 谢谢你 伙计
Yeah. Great stuff tonight. Thank you so much, bud.
你疯了吗
Are you out of your fucking mind?
你看 格雷琴 是我们谁在开玩笑
Look, Gretch, who were we kidding?
你梦想中的人不是我
You didn't grow up dreaming of a guy like me.
你的骑士还在外面的某处 找到他
Your knight is out there somewhere. Go find him.
我要把你的脑袋撕下来
I'm going to tear your head off.
你这个该死的混♥蛋♥
You goddamn motherfucking pathetic piece of shit.
-先生 我们放轻松 -给我闪开 你这个仙女
-Sefior, let's just relax. -Get out of my way, you fairy.
仙女
Fairy?
-爱你 道格 -冷静下来
-Love you, Dougie! -Calm down.
你这个混♥蛋♥ 我向上帝发誓
You motherfuckers! I swear to God...
搞什么 我要把你碎尸万段
What the fuck? I will cut you!
该死 老兄
Shit, man.
演的不错 孩子 真是出色
Good game, kid. That was a hell of a catch.
好的 谢谢
All right. Thanks.
嘿 别碰我的屁♥股♥ 乔
Hey. No ass-touching off the field, Joe.
我就知道 自从我见到你 你就满嘴瞎话
I knew you were full of shit from the moment I met you.
我知道这听起来很疯狂 但是如果你还有心情
I know this is gonna sound crazy, but if you're ever in the mood,
我知道有个地方 有特别好吃的墨西哥卷
I know a place that has great burritos.
你刚刚毁了我姐姐的婚礼
You just ruined my sister's wedding
然后你竟然邀请我出去约会
and you're asking me out on a date?
是的 我是的 我能打给你吗
Yes, I am. Can I call you?
-你最好打给我 -我会的
-Yeah, you better. -I will.
-我们马上就要完成了 道格 -是的 也许下次吧