定制伴郎

他妈的 他妈的 该死 婊♥子♥ 孙子 去死
Fuck! Fuck, shit, bitch, dick, ass!
不 不 你不能
No. No, you can't.
好吧 现在我要让他们都退出
Well, I have to get them all out now
因为我是一个该死的教士
because I'm a fucking priest and I can't
而且我不能诅咒你的家人 道格 该死
cuss around your family, Doug. Fuck!
-拜托 -这是最后一个了
-Come on. -That's the last one.
吉尔·阿布维茨 大学一年级
Jill Abromowitz, freshman year.
-远视还是近视 -远视
-Far-sighted or near-sighted? -Far-sighted.
-好的 -等一下 让我补充一下 还有近视
-Okay. -Wait, let me finish. And near-sighted.
-你是外八字还是内八字 -什么
-Do you supinate or pronate? -What?
-你的脚是向里弯还是向外弯 -向外
-Does your foot roll inward or outward? -Outward.
好的 这就解释了体重的问题
Okay, that explains the weight gain.
百事还是可口可乐 日落 还是满月
Pepsi or Coke? Sunset, full moon?
如果让你选你最喜欢的超级英雄 那会是谁
If you could pick your favorite superhero, who would it be?
-吃豆人算是超级英雄吗 -不 他不是 道格
-Is Pas-Man a superhero? -No, he's not, Doug.
楼梯还是电梯 别在意 忘了这个
Stairs or elevators? Never mind. Forget it.
好了 道格 我差不多已经满意了
Okay, Doug, I'm almost happy right now.
我的名字是什么
What's my name?
-你的名字是比克·米彻姆 -我来自哪里
-That would be Bic Mitchum. -Where am I from?
你来自北达科他州 快问我为什么你来自北达科他州
You're from North Dakota. Ask me why you're from North Dakota.
告诉我 为什么我来自达科他州
Tell me why I'm from North Dakota.
因为谁认识来自北达科他州的人啊
Because who the fuck knows anybody from North Dakota?
我想再听听我的名字 我的名字是什么
I want to hear my name again. What's my name?
-你是该死的比克·米彻姆 -跟着节奏
-You are motherfucking Bic Mitchum! -Rhythm.
该死的比克·米彻姆
Motherfucking Bic Mitchum.
该死的比克·米彻姆 该死的．．
Motherfucking Bic Mitchum. Motherfucking...
-你都害怕什么 -我害怕浣熊
-What are your phobias? -I fear raccoons.
-最喜欢的运动道格 -棒球 而且我喜欢女子篮球
-Favorite sport, Doug? -Baseball. And I love women's basketball.
来 我们太累了 向上 是的
Come on, we're getting too tired. Up. Yes.
该死
Shit.
道格 道格
Doug! Doug!
起来 快起来 早午餐要迟到了
Get up. Get your ass up. We're going to be late for brunch.
该死
Shit!
当你自己被逼到角落里的时候
When you get backed into a corner,
记住要夸奖 转移话题 随机的词
remember your compliments, boomerang, random words.
用一些随机的词 具体一点 我该用哪些随机的词
Use random words. Specifically, which random words should I use?
任何随机的词 做你自己 道格 你会没事的
Any random words. Just be yourself, Doug. You'll be all right.
如果他们开始问很多问题呢
What if they start asking too many questions?
我是说 你基本上都不了解我
I mean, you hardly even know me.
除了你喜欢淋雨胜过浴缸
Except for the fact that you prefer showers to baths,
吃豆人是你最喜欢的超级英雄 即使
Pas-Man's your favorite superhero even though
撒尿人根本就不是什么超级荚雄
Pas-Man's not a superhero at all,
你既有远视 也有近视 你是内八字
you're far-sighted and you're near-sighted, you supinate,
你喜欢满月的时候 胜过日落 你害怕浣熊
you prefer full moons over sunsets, you're afraid of raccoons,
你喜欢女子篮球 你自己熨自己的四角短裤
you love women's basketball, you iron your boxers,
三次完成律师资格考试
finished third on the bar exam,
吃美国产的 但是更喜欢英国产的切达干酪
eat American, but prefer cheddar,
你反对指定击球员有来世
you're against the designated hitter, believe in life after death,
而且你直到19岁 还在拉小提琴
and you played the violin until you were 19 years old.
也是同一年 你跟吉尔·阿布维茨发生了你的第一次
Which is the same year that you lost your virginity to Jill Abromowitz.
-我们走吧 老兄 -这能行的
-Let's go, man. -That will work.
你跟着我的引导你尽量少说话
You follow my lead. You talk as little as you can.
简短的回答 你不需要开始对话 进去出来
Short answers. You don't initiate conversation. Wi-Wo.
-"进去出来" -我们进去我们出来
-"Wi-Wo"? -We're in, we're out.
进去出来
Wi-WO.
-等等 等等 -怎么了
-Wait, wait, wait. -What?
-我有一点恶心 老兄 -什么
-I'm getting a little nauseous, man. -What?
-我想我办不到 道格 -不不
-I think I'm in over my head, Doug. -No, no.
这太多了你在谈论一整个家庭
This is a lot. You're talking about a whole family.
我从来没应付过一整个家庭
I've never done a goddamn whole family.
你现在才跟我说这些吗
You're telling me this now?
-你的姓是什么 -哈里斯道格·哈里斯
-What's your last name? -Harris. Doug Harris.
-该死 我以为是安格雷 -什么 谁是安格雷
-Shit! I thought it was Angley. -What? Who's Angley?
-我要走了 老兄 -不
-I have to go, buddy. -No!
-我在跟你开玩笑 好吧 放松 -别这么做
-I'm fucking with you. All right, relax. -Don't do that.
-你那么做真是差劲 -按门铃吧 菜鸟 来吧
-That was a really shitty thing to do. -Ring the bell, rookie. Come on.
你们大家需要明白 我的过去非常的黑暗
You guys have to understand that I come from a very dark past.
说到黑暗 当然了 我要提及我过去曾经吸毒
And by dark, of course I'm referring to my drug use.
我过去什么都沾
I was on everything.
在某一时刻
At one point,
我身上唯一完好的血管 就是脚趾头之间的
the only good vein I had was between my toes.
冰♥毒♥ 我不敢确定你们当中有人跟其有关
Crystal meth. I'm not sure if any of you guys can relate to it.
奶奶 我看到了你的牙齿 也许你可以 或者不可以
Grandma, I've seen your teeth. Maybe you can, or can't.
但是上帝曾经说过"不要按照发生的事情判断"
But the Lord says, "Don'tjudgeth upon what happens,
"但是发生了什么 是不能被判断的"
"but what happens upon what can't be judged."
意思就是 是的
Which means, yes,
我也许曾经为了金钱而做了些不好的事情
I may have been to a point where I was sucking dick for money.
但是当那天 我脸埋在雪堆中醒来的时候
But that day when I woke up face down in that snowbank,
我不知道我在哪里 我甚至都不知道我是谁
I didn't know where I was. I didn't even know who I was.
但是我记得我眯着眼睛 因为我被一道亮光晃到了
And I remember squinting because I was being blinded by this bright light.
我什么都看不到
I couldn't see a thing.
最后在我睁开眼睛的时候 我看到了耶稣
And when I finally opened my eyes, I saw Jesus.
-你看到了耶稣 -我看到了耶稣
-You saw Jesus? -I saw Jesus.
他当时在圣迈克尔的出生地 躺在玛丽的怀里
He was in Mary's arms in the nativity scene at St. Michael's.
然后我哭了 但是那不是痛苦的眼泪
And I wept. But they weren't tears of pain.
那是喜悦的眼泪 源于我找到了自己的道路 当然了
These were tears of joy. From having found my path, of course.
-那么神父 -请叫我比克
-So, Father... -Call me Bic, please.
是什么让你决定去军队的
What made you decide to go into the military?
那是个不错的问题 有些人觉得服务上帝是义不容辞的
That's a great question. Some people are called on to serve God.
有些人觉得服务国家是义不容辞的
Others are called to serve our country.
那些两个都服务的 他们就是军队牧师
Those who are chosen to serve both, they're called Army chaplains.
我从老大那里就获得了两种叫法
I got a two-way call from the big fellow himself.
-一个在军队里面的牧师 -是的
-A priest in the military. -Yeah.
真有趣 他们在性骚扰方面有没有
It's interesting. Do they have a
"不许问 不许说"政策
"don't ask, don't tell" policy on child molesting?
爸爸
Dad!
没事的 没事的
It's okay. It's okay.
那真不错 我从来没听说过那个 真的 那很不错
That's pretty good. I've never heard that one. Now, that's a good one.
好吧 我尽力了
Well, I try.
-真聪明 -不 那不是
-Clever. -No, it wasn't.
谁能打电♥话♥给消防员
Somebody call the firemen
因为这个真的是 热 热 热 好吗
because this is hot, hot, hot! Okay?
别碰
Do not touch.
挺好了 如果你们不喜欢俄式蘑菇浓汤
So, listen, if you opt against the Russian mushroom bisque,
我们可以试试智力红辣椒 更乡村一点的主题
we can always go into a more rustic theme with the Chilean chili.
我一会带着油炸面包丁回来
I'll be back with the croutons.
那么 比克 你是从哪里来的
So, Bic, where are you from originally?
哪里 北达科他州
Originally? North Dakota.
-不是在开玩笑吧 哪个城市 -亨德森
-No kidding. What town? -Henderson.
我从来没听说过亨德森
I've never heard of Henderson.
亨德森是一个非常小的城镇 艾德
Henderson's a very small town, Ed.
它跟俾斯麦是什么关系
Where is it in relation to Bismarck?
你很熟悉北达科他州吗
Are you familiar with North Dakota?
艾德的叔叔在那里有一个农场
Ed's uncle has a ranch up there.
哇 真是了不起
Wow! That is something to know, there.
不 它实际上在俾斯麦的对面
No, it's actually on the opposite side of Bismarck.
俾斯麦在这里但是当你转了一圈以后
You have Bismarck here, but once you go around...
你知道那个隧♥道♥它就在这里
You know the tunnel. It's right there.
俾斯麦是在中部的
Bismarck's in the middle.
当你说"中部"的时候 我能看到的就只有丽塔·海华斯
When you said "middle", all I saw was Rita Hayworth.
我是说这里有惊人的相似 难道不是吗
I mean, there's a striking resemblance, isn't it?
-谢谢你神父 -不 那不是
-Thank you, Father. -No, there isn't.
那么 道格 你上一次跟比克见面是什么时候了
So, Doug, when was the last time that you and Bic saw each other?
-三月 -三月吗
-March. -March?
这个 等一下 等一下
Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.
因为你看 在三月 四月 我当时在中东
Because, see, in March... April, I was in the Middle East.
马菲求斯 在那之后我一直都在训练
Muffin juice. After that is when I was training.
白软奶酪头盔
Cottage cheese helmet.
在这之 我就去旅游了所以你是在说3 4
And from there is when I was traveling, so you're talking three, four...
-3 4 6 7个月之前 -6 7年之前
-Three, four, six, seven months ago. -...six, seven years ago.