为了桑尼加油（2019）

Man, that was so uncool.
那个米奇是个混♥蛋♥
Yeah, that Mikey guy's a dick.
他的床上功夫也不好
And he's not good in bed.
真的很糟
Really bad.
你来是来了 但你迟到了
You're on here but you're late.
你错过了你的时间 你被裁掉了
You missed your slot, you're cut.
拜托 我只需要
Come on, I just need like--
这是电视直播
It's live television.
每个人都有7分钟 规矩就是这样
Everybody gets seven minutes, that's how it goes.
很难安排的
It's a tough break.
你得准时到这里才行啊
You gotta get here on time.
快点
Come on!
你♥他♥妈♥没有心
Where's your fucking heart?
你看不到这家伙
Can't you see this guy's
在情感和身体上都扭曲了吗
all twisted up emotionally and physically?
他恋爱了 他的女朋友在外面
He's in love and his girl is out there.
而且
And...
这是他最后一次机会
And this is his last shot.
对不起 我不能就这么把你插♥进♥去
I'm sorry, I can't just make time.
你真的爱这个女孩吗
Do you really love this girl, for real?
是的
Yes, for real.
好吧
Well,
他能用我的两分钟吗
can he have two of my minutes?
可以吧
I guess.
给你 我做五分钟就行
There you go, I'll do five.
我也做五分钟
Fine, I'll do five minutes too.
你可以占用我两分钟的时间
You can have two of my minutes.
好吧 我想我可以删掉闹钟灌肠的笑话
All right, I guess I could cut alarm clock enema.
你也可以用我两分钟的时间
You can have two of my minutes too.
谢谢
Thank you!
非常感谢
Thank you so much!
你现在可以上场了吗
You good to go now?
嘿 伙计 你的纸袋呢
Hey man, where's your paper bag?
我不会再那样做了
I'm not doing that anymore.
我们的下一个表演者
Our next act,
他是我们的外卡惊喜
he's our wildcard surprise,
-纸袋男 -上吧 伙计
- it's the Bag Man, himself! - Just get out there, man!
掌控全场 你会很棒的
Kill it, you're gonna be so good!
去吧 朋友
Yeah, you go get 'em, bud.
观众们都很好 伙计
It's a good audience, man.
是啊 非常好
Yeah, it's great.
你可以的
You got this!
什么鬼
What the fuck?
我以为他输了
I thought he lost.
有些人就是不知道什么时候该退出
Some people just don't know when to quit.
呃
Um.
我能...
Could I...
有人要凉凉了
Somebody is about to eat a big shit sandwich.
嗯
No, uh...
如果你觉得讲关于残疾人的笑话
Do you mind raising your hands if you're cool
你没意见的话能麻烦举下手吗
with me telling some jokes about disabled people?
好吧 你们这些臭混♥蛋♥
All right, well that's fucking great, you sick bastards.
这有什么好笑的
Why'd you all laugh at that?
人们喜欢取笑残疾人
People like to make fun of the disabled
为什么不呢
and why not?
对吧
You know, right?
他们说笑是最好的药
They say laughter is the best medicine.
如果是这样的话
Well, if that's the case,
我还这样走路的唯一原因
the only reason why I'm still walking like this
是因为你们这些人取笑我还不够
is because you people aren't making fun of me enough.
你们得提高一下水平
You gotta lift up your game.
上帝为什么要创造痉挛性麻痹患者
Why did God make spastics?
你不是无所不能吗
I mean, You're omnipotent, right?
这是你最厉害的招式了吗
And this is the best You can do?
我的身体就像1985年的日产天际线
This body is like a 1985 Nissan Skyline.
它会把你带到你需要去的地方
It'll get you to where you need to go
但你不会推荐给任何人
but you wouldn't recommend it to anyone
也不会有很多女人
and you're not gonna get a lot of chicks
排队跟你兜风
lining up for a ride.
你知道吗
You know?
当你得了脑瘫
When you've got Cerebral Palsy,
你很难和一个女孩搭讪
you know, it's hard to pick up a girl.
很难拿起杯子
It's hard to pick up a glass.
我第一次遇见一个女孩的时候
You know, when I meet a girl for the first time
我总是收到同样的表情
I always get the same look
她们总是问我同样的问题
and they always ask me that same question.
你是怎么进到我房♥间的
How did you get into my room?
我遇到了一个女孩
So I met this girl.
没错
Yeah, yeah.
那不是玩笑
That wasn't the joke.
但她聪明漂亮
But she was smart and beautiful
还很有趣
and funny and...
闻起来像是最棒的早餐麦片
And smelled like the best breakfast cereal.
她不像其他人那样看着我
And she didn't look at me like everyone else.
事实上 她先爱上了我
In fact, she fell for me.
这是第一次呢
Which was new.
通常是我去喜欢对方
Usually I'm the one doing the falling.
我不得不承认
I gotta confess,
我觉得有点不自在
I felt a little self-conscious.
所以我开始在头上戴个纸袋
So I started wearing a bag over my head,
你们有些人看见过
which some of you saw that, huh?
我一开始是想隐藏我身体有毛病这一点
I thought it might hide the fact that I had problems.
但那是个错误
Well, that was a mistake.
谁知道呢
Who knew?
哦对 你们都知道
Oh yeah, you all did.
是啊
Yeah.
在这个房♥间里有谁觉得自己并不会不自在或者不安全
Is anyone in this room that's not self-conscious or insecure?
噢
Oh.
这家伙举起手来了
This guy's got his hand up.
先生 你没有镜子吗
Sir, do you not own a mirror?
我能靠嘴吃饭
Like, I can talk.
当上帝创造我的时候
When God made me He must've left
他一定是把他的宜家安装说明书弄倒了
the instructions upside down going through his Ikea phase.
我家抽屉里有个备用螺母
I got a spare nut in the drawer at home.
但我不知道要把它安在哪儿
I don't know where that fucker goes.
这种玩笑可敌不过
You can't beat a good ball joke.
是敌不过 朋友
You sure can't, my friend.
是啊
Yeah.
但她马上发现
But she picked right away
我有残疾
that I had a disability.
不
No,
不是这个
not this.
我也有些别的虚弱症状
I also suffer from a debilitating condition
叫做早泄
called Premature Rejeculation.
你们都知道有些人会射[来]太早吗
You know how some men come too soon?
我是走得太早了
Well I leave too soon.
盯着我看 我走
Stare at me, I leave.
忽略我 我走
Ignore me, I leave.
给我揉错方向 我也走
Rub me the wrong way, I leave.
一段关系一般是这样的
You know, a typical relationship goes something like,
你好 很高兴见到你
hello, lovely to meet you.
滚开
Fuck off!
所以
So...
所以我遇到了这个女孩
So I meet this girl and I think,
灵魂伴侣
soulmate.
我所有的罪都被赦免了 我所有的缺点都被弥补了
All my sins absolved, all my flaws redeemed.
你使我完整
You complete me,
对吧
right?
错的
Wrong.
在遇到她之前我是个混♥蛋♥
I was a spiky asshole before I met her,
我和她在一起的时候是个混♥蛋♥