牵线

我先走了
I'm taking the rest of the day.
Becca
Mike
我的特邀女伴
迫不及待与你一起庆祝
订婚派对
我小睡了一觉 睡觉
I took a nap today. A nap.
-你们可以点菜了吗 -还不行
- Are you ready to order yet? - Not yet.
-但是我想加点薯片 -没问题
- But I'd love some more chips. - Sure.
睡觉是好东西 但是我有
Naps are great. But I got
更重要的事情 查理
a bigger situation on my hands, Charlie.
下周是贝卡的订婚派对
Becca's engagement party is next weekend.
我必须保证能够参加
I need to guarantee that I can be there.
这对我非常重要 我的计划是这样的
It's really important for me, okay? Here's my plan.
让瑞克带柯尔斯顿去楠塔基特岛
Get Rick to invite Kirsten on a romantic
度过一个浪漫的周末
weekend getaway trip to Nantucket.
那里下周有一个红酒节
There's a wine festival next weekend,
你要把这些信息植入他的脑子
and you're gonna plant all the information
让瑞克觉得是他想这么做的
and make Rick think that he thought of it,
但实际上是我们让他这么以为
but he didn't, we did.
-明白吗 -好的
- Okay? - Okay.
然后他们将会被困在一个岛上
And they're gonna be marooned on an island
没有手♥机♥信♥号♥♥
with limited cell service,
这样我们俩就能有一个完整的周末
which means you and I will have an entire weekend to ourselves.
完美 苏士的模特公♥司♥
Perfect. Suze's modeling agency is
下周六要举办一个化妆舞会
throwing this fancy party next Saturday.
我会去那释放我的荷尔蒙
I'll show up, throw out pheromones.
让所有人知道她有男朋友
Let everyone know she's got a boyfriend.
别在我面前说荷尔蒙这个词
Don't say the word pheromones around me.
对不起 我是说
I'm sorry. I meant, uh, chemicals secreted
把女性吸引向我跳动的DNA的
in my sweat to attract females
我汗液中的化学分泌物
to my throbbing DNA.
这也不行
No, no.
那是 什么 你能
Is that...? What...? Can you just...?
四个汉堡是不是有点多
哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
你应该少打几个哈字
You should probably be easier on the "ha ha has."
你只是觉得他很幽默
I mean, you find him humorous.
但你又不是有精神病的小丑
You're not a psychotic clown.
有精神病的小丑 你什么意思
Psychotic clown, what are you talking about?
如果你喜欢高尔夫男
If you like Golf Guy,
你这周就得和其他三个人约会
you'll go out with three other guys this week.
-好吧 为什么 -还记得你小时候吗
- Okay, why? - Remember when you were a kid?
如果你有三只蜥蜴
If you had three salamanders,
你每天都和它们三个玩
you played with each of them every day,
然后它们就能活好几年
and they'd live for years.
但是如果你只有一只蜥蜴
But when you had one salamander,
然后你天天捧着它 爱它
and you held it and you loved it,
和它玩 它很快就死掉了
and you played with it, and it just died immediately.
不会吧
No.
男人也同样如此
Well, men are kind of like that.
你如果太关心他 他能感觉到
You put too much focus on him, he can sense it,
你就会意外地害死它
then you're gonna accidentally kill him.
然后你会把它藏进你的抽屉
Then you gotta hide him in your drawer
-以防你妈发现 -我就喜欢一只蜥蜴
- so your mom doesn't find out. - I like my one salamander.
好了 我们走吧
Okay, let's get out of here.
等一下 我们都还没有点餐呢
Wait. We haven't even ordered yet.
你好 哦不 我最好赶快走
Hello? No. I better get out of here.
-事情紧急 -什么
- It's an emergency. - What?
我们都要点餐和结账了
Well, you know what, I was just about to order and pay.
有急事啊
It's an emergency.
这家餐厅很棒
for my dinner at this very nice restaurant,
我看我就直接去医院好了
but I guess I'll just rush straight to the hospital.
-谢谢 -是急事
- Thank you. - An emergency.
老天啊 整条腿都伤了吗
Oh, my God, the whole leg?
这种事总是在你最意想不到的时候发生
These things always happen when you least expect it.
我注意到刚才你的电♥话♥都没有响
I mean, I saw your phone not ring.
虽然不是犯罪 但我们都清楚这是不对的
It's not legally a crime, but we both know this isn't right.
为什么我只有台2D打印机
Why do I only have a 2D printer?
难道我是山顶洞人吗
What am I, a caveman?
这里的纸张太多了吧
There's too much paper here!
现在可是数码时代了
This is the digital age!
我想告诉你 我的舌头不再萎缩了
I'll have you know, my tongue is no longer atrophied.
红色警报 黑色警报 完蛋…警报
Code red, code black, code... Shit.
什么红色警报 我听不懂
Code red, I can't tell what that means,
但完蛋警报感觉很不好
but code shit, I feel like that's bad.
计划有变 我不出城了
Change of plans. I won't go out of town.
通知所有人这周末办公室照常工作
Make sure they know the office has to be open all weekend.
没问题
Um, of course.
-你没事吧 -当然 为什么要这么问
- Is everything okay? - Obviously. Why would you ask me that?
没什么
Well, no reason.
我是个成功女性 我不需要和一个
I am a successful woman. I don't need to travel
连饭都不会吃的可怜幼稚男去旅行
with a pathetic man-child who can't even feed himself.
当然不用
Of course not.
问个问题 如果你没吃过韩式烧烤
Here's a riddle. Would you tell me
连是什么都不知道
you love Korean barbecue
你会不会跟我说你喜欢吃
if you've never had eaten it and didn't know what it was?
不会
No.
那我们去吃的时候
And if we went there,
你会不会不听我解释该怎么吃
would you refuse to let me explain how it works,
宁愿吃生肉 也不承认自己错了
eat raw meat, rather than admit you're wrong,
等你把肉吐到滚烫的烧烤架时又来怪我
and blame me when you threw it up on a hot grill?
绝对不会
Never.
柯尔斯顿 你需要咖啡吗
Kirsten, do you want your...?
不需要 好的
No, okay.
我二十来岁时有大把男人跟我求婚
A lot of men proposed to me in my 20s.
到现在我可能都离了三次婚了
I could be thrice divorced by now.
我可不会假装去让他
But I'm not gonna pretend to let him
来教我这个世界是如何运作的
teach me about how the world works
就为了满足他勃起的欲望
just so he can get it up!
他就是个混♥蛋♥
He's such a jerk.
我担心你糟糕且平庸的表现
I'm worried that your abrasiveness and general demeanor
会成为你职场上的阻碍
will hinder you in the workplace.
你把满满一盘生牛肉放在我面前
You put a plate full of raw beef in front of me,
我以为这是鞑靼牛排 我就成傻子了吗
I think it's tartare, and I'm the idiot?
很抱歉我只是希望 当我坐进一家餐厅时
I'm sorry if I expect my food to be properly cooked
呈给我的食物是经过烹饪的
whilst I sit in a restaurant.
你以为我是什么 厨师吗
What am I, a chef? Uh-uh.
我有米其林星吗
Do I got a Michelin star?
你想要的话你也能有
You could if you wanted to.
她故意做这种事让我出丑
She did this shit on purpose to make me look stupid.
这是在向我展示她的强权
This was a power play.
我不认为她在展示强权
I don't think she tried to power play.
我无法忘掉那烧烤呕吐物的恐怖画面
Can't get the image of barbecued vomit out of my head now.
这破电脑都不认我的密♥码♥了
This shitty computer isn't taking my password.
-那是我的… -不认我密♥码♥
- That's my... - Take my password!
那是我的电脑
That's my laptop.
把我的电脑拿来
Bring me my laptop.
你怎么能让他们自己挑选餐厅呢
How could you let them pick the restaurant?
这本该是你来选的
It was your turn to choose.
不 上次是你选的
No, you chose last time.
该死
Damn it.
瑞克比之前更糟了
Rick is worse than before.
-他今天差点炒掉一个邮递员 -我的天
- He tried to fire a mailman today. - My God.
那个邮递员是为美国政♥府♥工作的
Mailmen work for the U.S. government.
在我们被杀之前要让他们和好
Get them together before they kill us.
我骨子里能感觉到柯尔斯顿敢杀人
I can feel it in my bones that Kirsten is capable of murder.
-那我们该怎么做 -我也不知道
- So, what are we gonna do? - I don't know.
轮到你想点办法了
It's your turn to figure something out.
为什么我下午两点没有任何安排
Why isn't there anything in my calendar at 2 p.M.?
你知道我在家庭活动之后需要认真做件事
You know I need a hard out after family events.
哦 很抱歉 我不知道
Oh, my. I'm so sorry. I didn't know
你是和家人吃午餐
that your lunch was with family.
我现在就安排