牵线

This is your son's science project.
这挺有趣的"如果生活给你柠檬"
It's a fun play on "when life gives you lemons..."
我用柠檬电池来充电
I'm using lemon battery to power...
我的晚餐呢
Where's my dinner?
你想吃晚餐吗 因为你说
Did you want dinner? Because you s...
没问题
No problem.
马上来
Coming right up.
我每周在你家点三次餐
I order from you guys like three times a week.
你知道我不会赖账的 我有三张信♥用♥卡♥
You know that I'm good for it. I literally have three credit cards.
-我能开张支票吗 -只收现金
- Can I write a check? - Cash only.
如果我明天付你三倍呢
What if I told you I can pay you triple... tomorrow?
只收现金
Cash only.
如果我告诉你这张脸是个面具
What if I told you this face was a mask
我其实是一个一百岁的吉普赛人
and I'm Actually a 100-year-old gypsy
会世世代代诅咒你的家人
who will curse your family for generations?
只收现金
Cash only.
什么样的杂货店不卖♥♥
What grocery store doesn't serve
加入藏红花的三分熟的神户牛肉
saffron-infused Kobe beef cooked medium-rare?
我不能现在上去要现金
I can't go up there and ask for
只有你能帮我
only a few options are for you to help me out
不然我就要完蛋了
or for me to finally commit a felony.
你好 这是谁的餐
Hi. Whose food is this?
是我的
It's mine.
你付31.32元就是你的了
You got 31.32, it's all yours.
我有现金 我有好多现金
I have cash. I have so much cash.
不不不 这是我老板的晚餐
No. No. No. Hey, hey. That's my boss's dinner.
如果我两分钟之内不带着它上去
If I'm not upstairs in two minutes with that food,
我就会被开除
I will get fired.
-我能借一点钱吗 -不行
- Can I borrow some money? - No.
因为现在这是我老板的晚餐了
Because now this is my boss's dinner.
如果我不在两分钟之内上去
And if I'm not upstairs in two minutes,
我就要被开除了
I'm gonna be fired.
不 你不会的 看看你
No, you won't. Look at you.
你就带着你的兄弟
You'll just swoop in with your lacrosse stick
拿着曲棍球冲进去
and your fraternity connections.
然后你就能升职了 我需要这顿饭
You'll keep getting promoted for no reason. I need that food.
三十二美元 不用找了 谢谢你
Thirty-two dollars. Keep the change. Thank you.
没搞错吧 我记仇了
Is this happening to me? I will not forget this.
-随你吧 -等等 先生
- Whatever. - Wait. Sir?
先生 里面有两份餐 一份我的
Sir. There are two dinners. One for me
一份她的 所以我们能分一下 好吗
and one for her, so we could split it, ok?
我拿一份给我老板 你拿一份给你老板
I can take one to my boss and you can take one to yours.
拜托了 这是五号♥戒备状态
Please. This is DEFCON 5.
你知道五号♥戒备状态是好事对吧
You know DEFCON 5's the good one, right?
一切安全 什么事也没有
So everything's safe, international travel's fine.
那就一号♥戒备状态 你知道我什么意思
DEFCON 1! You know what I mean.
你要什么
What are the meals?
好吧 我要给她带松露麦片加芝士
Okay. I'm gonna take her the truffle mac and cheese.
你可以拿汉堡
You can have the burger.
你疯了吗 我不会给他带个普通汉堡
Are you insane? I won't give him a plain hamburger.
他是个有品位的人
He's a man has taste.
好吧 我来弥补一下 好吗
Okay. I'm gonna fix this, okay?
看到了吗 这是带甘蓝的松露芝士汉堡
See what I'm making? It's a truffle cheeseburger with kale.
这汉堡都能获奖了 腌菜是我的
This burger could win awards. Pickle is my dinner.
-不不不 -干嘛
- No, no, no. - What?
我不能给他带个没有腌菜的松露芝士汉堡
I won't give him a truffle cheeseburger without a pickle.
我希望明天能拿到还款
I wanna be paid back tomorrow,
8个点的利息 最好给流动资产
8 percent interest, liquidity preference.
我看着像个付得起利息的人吗
Do I look like I can afford interest?
我的厕纸还是从办公室的卫生间偷的
I steal my toilet paper from the office bathroom.
你应该学会随身携带现金
Well. You should really learn to keep cash on you.
你应该记得在所有饭店打烊前订好晚饭
You should remember to order dinner before everything closes.
你记得那个腌菜吗 之前说的那个腌菜
You know that pickle? That aforementioned pickle?
那不是给我老板的 是给我的
That wasn't for my boss. That was for me.
你个混♥蛋♥
You're a monster.
我要你明天比我早半小时到这
I'll need you in here half a hour before me tomorrow.
好 几点呢 你还要吃的吗 行吧
Okay, what time would that be? Do you want your food? Okay.
-你好 -我来了 我来了
- Hello? - I'm here, I'm here.
你花的时间太久了 我在床上了
You took too long. I'm in bed.
好啊 完美 我跟你一起
Okay. Perfect. I'll get in with you.
我已经睡着了 宝贝
I'm already asleep, baby.
我可以让你醒来啊 用我下面
I can wake you up. With my penis.
不能用我下面 你会完全清醒的
Not with my penis. You'll be fully awake
当它碰到 你懂我意思
when it touches... You know what I mean.
我明天有个挺早的拍摄
I have an early shoot tomorrow
如果我不睡够8小时 我的脸会肿
and if I don't get eight hours, my face could be puffy.
我可以早上打电♥话♥给你吗
Can I call you in the morning?
当然可以 祝你好梦哦 公主
Yeah. Sweet dreams... princess.
你可以唤醒我
You can wake me up.
用你的下♥体♥
With your penis.
这应该是最后一回合了 除非有个罚球
...should be the final play unless there's a penalty.
凯洛格 投球
Kellogg throws...
球要被拍出去了 接住了 球接住了
It's gonna be tapped and caught! It's caught!
你起来啦 我的天
You're up! Oh, my gosh, hi.
你的约会怎样
How was your date?
很好啊 他现在在我房♥间喝着佳得乐
It was good. He's in my room now drinking Gatorade
补充我们激♥情♥四射的床战所消耗的体力
to recover from our vigorous love-making.
-不错啊 -真的吗
- Nice. - Really?
假的 我加班到很晚 没赶上
No. I worked late. Didn't make it in time.
老铁 我超爱柯尔斯顿那篇
Dude， loved Kirsten's article
关于克利夫兰球迷的文章
about Cleveland fans.
-我发给了十个人看 -他真的发了
- I sent it to ten people. - He did.
是不是很棒 派对怎么样
Wasn't it awesome? How was the party?
吉尔伯格也在那
Gilbert was there.
你自从那次以后就没见过他了
You haven't seen him since...
你是说他俩在特快列车的公厕上干的那次
Since she had sex with him in the bathroom on the Acela?
你连这种事都跟他说吗
You told him about that?
不啊 我能从你手势暗号♥看出来
No. I could read it from your hand code.
我啥都告诉他 哈普
I tell him everything, Harp.
如果我们要避讳每个跟她在公共交通上
If we had to avoid every guy she's had sex with
干过的伙计的话 那我们永远别想出门
on public transportation, we'd never leave the apartment.
-闭嘴吧 -你想来杯冰水吗
- Shut up. - Do you want a glass of cold water?
-好啊 给我来杯呗 -好
- Yes. I would love that. - Okay.
-我爱你 -我超爱你的
- I love you. - I love you so much.
-爱你哟 迈克 -我爱你 哈珀
Love you, Mike. I love you, Harper.
他可真是个呆子 天 我爱他
He's such a dork. God. I love him.
-我爱你 我去睡觉了 -祝你好梦
- I love you. I'm gonna go to bed. - Sweet dreams.
晚安
Good night.
- 珍妮特 - 什么
- Janet? - What?
不可能
No way!
我拒绝了 我
I said no. I...
我说笑的 我说笑的 我愿意
I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I said yes!
哦 我的天
Oh, my God.
可是 我们还不到结婚的年龄
We're not old enough to get married, though.
啥 啥
What? What?
我爱你
I love you.
恭喜 恭喜 我真为你感到高兴
Congratulations. Congratulations and I'm so happy for you.
天呐 天呐
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
我爱你 迈克 我最喜欢的人
I love you, Mike! My favorite people.
我爱你 哈珀
I love you, Harper!
-我本来在跟我妈谈 -我会让你谈的
- I was talking to my mom... - I'm gonna let you do that.
我只想和你共度一生
I just wanna spend my life with you.
-你是在跟我开玩笑吗 -我的天呐
- Are you kidding me? - Oh, my God.
我超激动的
I'm so excited.
嘿 老兄
Hey, buddy.
哇 你在这多久了
What...? How long have you been there?
乌漆墨黑的你一个人坐在这吗
You're sitting alone in the dark?
你带了男人回家吗
Do you have a guy over?
你干嘛老觉得我带了男人回来啊
Why do you always assume I have a guy over?
不是所有基佬都无时无刻想打炮
Not all gay guys are having sex all the time.
-你不是快到点去教书吗 -我睡不着