牵线

这是我听过的最有异性恐惧症的事
That's the most heterophobic thing I've ever heard.
你只是不了解她
You just don't know her.
那你有多了解
How well do you know her?
我知道所有关于苏士的事情 好吗
I know everything about Suze, all right?
我们经常聊天 我天天给她发信息
We talk all the time. I text her all day.
比如呢
Like?
她是波多黎各人 模特 用海蓝之谜
She's from Puerto Rico. She's a model. She uses La Mer products.
她不喜欢乳制品 怎么样
She doesn't like dairy. There you go.
好吧 如果你想与某人开展一次亲密的
All right. Well, what do you do if you wanna have an intimate,
有意义的对话 你会怎么做
meaningful conversation with somebody?
-我会跟你聊 -这不是我的功能
- I talk to you. - That's not what I'm for.
这是你女朋友的功能 做你最好的朋友
That's what your girlfriend's for. To be your best friend.
你才是我最好的朋友
You're my best friend.
我都没在她公♥寓♥拉过屎
I've never pooped at her apartment.
这是谁的错呢 你一早就该这么做了
Whose fault is that? Should've did that the first date.
标记你的领地
Mark your territory.
我几乎 我根本没有健康保险
I barely... I don't have health insurance,
但格朗克有次在圣诞节派对上喝得烂醉
but Gronk got wasted at a Christmas party.
说真的 你有个完美的工作
You seriously have the dream job.
柯尔斯顿才是那个有完美工作的人
Well, Kirsten has the dream job.
我爱柯尔斯顿·史蒂芬斯 太酷了
I love Kirsten Stevens. So cool.
是啊
Yeah.
-等下 她是怎么样的 -她很
- Wait, what's she like? - She's...
-她超棒 真的 -是吗
- Well, she's great. She's great, really. - Yeah?
她聪明又勤奋 有点励志
She's so smart and hard-working. Kind of inspiring.
-励志 好吧 -是的
- Inspiring? Okay. - Yeah. Yeah.
我们开始吧
Here we go.
球没动
That didn't go.
你故意让我赢来满足我的自尊心 是不
You letting me win to boost my ego, are you?
我想打爆你 我只是在努力
I wanna destroy you. I'm trying
不摆出我的认真脸
not to make my concentration face.
这样啊 我可以站在你后面
Oh, no. Why don't I just stand behind you,
你就能做任何你想做的表情了
and you can make whatever face you want.
-好吧 -好吧
- Okay. Okay. - Okay. Cool. Yeah.
我的天
Oh, my goodness.
希望那是你的高尔夫球棍
Well... I hope that was your golf club,
因为感觉真的非常小
because it felt extremely small.
约会如何
约会如何
完美 我们聊天聊得停不下来
无聊
我不该这么说
That's not the right thing to say.
-哈珀 -我在
- Harper? - Mm-hm?
我手♥机♥坏了 听不了语♥音♥信箱
My phone is broken. Voice messages aren't coming through.
是吗
Oh, really?
-能听呀 -我说了这个有问题
- Mm-mm. It works fine. - There is something wrong with it!
懂了
Okay.
完美 我们聊天聊得停不下来
无聊
必须让瑞克立刻给柯尔斯顿打电♥话♥
-有件事 -不想听
- You know what's crazy? - I don't care.
现在的约会变得太不一样了
Just how different dating is nowadays.
你怎么还没闭嘴
Why are you still talking?
以前 你得先聊上三天才能打电♥话♥过去
You know, you used to have to wait three days to call,
但现在女生觉得你等得越久
but now women think the longer you take...
你的丁丁就越小
the smaller your penis.
出去
Get out.
-我们在电梯里 -出去
- This is an elevator. - Get out.
我来接
I've got it.
你好啊
Hey, there.
别挂电♥话♥ 稍等瑞克
Please hold for Rick.
我在跟一个婊♥子♥约会 她是个记者
And now I'm seeing this badass bitch. She's a journalist.
很好 现在的约会好太多了
Good. Dating is so much better now.
所有人都会发性感信息和脱毛
Everybody's sexting and waxing.
琪琪从来不刮毛 就为了惩罚我
You know, and Kiki, she never shaved, just to punish me.
我只要看到女生身上的汗毛 我就退出
I mean, if I see any hair on a woman, I'm out.
再见
See you.
-所以 -柯尔斯顿得做个比基尼脱毛
- So? - Kirsten needs to get a bikini wax.
你就这么跟人打招呼吗 你在说什么
Oh, okay. Hello to you, too. Excuse me?
让她去做一个 你们都是女生
Just tell her to get one. You're girls.
会聊到这个的
You talk about that stuff.
对了 我忘记每天早上走进办公室
Oh, right. I forgot that every morning I walk in,
我帮她做好拿铁 然后我们就谈论梅金
I hand her her latte, and then we talk about merkins
和不脱毛的周期性流行
and the cyclical popularity of the full bush.
-梅金是什么 -阴毛假发
- What's a merkin? - It's a pubic hair wig.
用于阴♥部♥的假发
A wig for the pube region.
我开始怀念不知道那是什么的日子了
You know, I miss the time when I didn't know what that was.
给你
There we go.
明早你有一个美容项目
Oh, uh, okay. Tomorrow morning, you have that salon appointment.
什么美容项目
What? What salon appointment?
比基尼脱毛那个
I mean, the one for the bikini wax.
比基尼脱毛 我什么时候预定的
Bikini wax, when did I make that?
很久以前
You made that ages ago.
就像年度健康检查
Just like an annual checkup, general upkeep.
-哪家店 -你让我定的那家店
- What salon? - The one you told me to make it at.
“呼气”那家店吗
Exhale?
“呼气”
Exhale.
她会把体毛脱干净
She gonna clear out the brush, the bush brush.
清除体毛
Clear out the bush and brush
弄得像婴儿一样光滑
and just make it as smooth as a baby.
你不需要婴儿
To have a baby. You don't need one of those.
婴儿 或者体毛
The babies or the bush or the brush.
我还有很多电♥话♥要处理
I have so many calls.
如果我们没有介入
But if we hadn't have intervened,
瑞克就会错过打电♥话♥的时机
Rick would have called her too late,
柯尔斯顿的体毛会把他吓跑
and Kirsten's lack of waxing would have turned him off,
他们就不会有第二次的约会了
and there would have never been a second date.
是的
Okay.
我们不能把他们赶出鸟巢就完事了
We can't just kick them out of the nest,
他们都还是雏鸟
because they're baby birds,
会一头栽死在地上
and they are careening to their death.
我们必须得西哈诺他们
We have to actually Cyrano them. Yeah.
西哈诺·德·贝热拉克，大鼻子情圣。
绝对的
Absolutely. Totally.
我们目前为止就是在这么做啊
I mean, that's what we've been doing up to now.
我们还要继续下去吗
That's what we should continue to do.
你知道西哈诺的意思吧
You know what Cyrano means, right?
知道 我又不傻
Yeah, I'm not an idiot.
那它是什么意思
So, what is it?
是 两个助理
It's when... So, if like two assistants
给他们的老板牵线
were setting up their boss...
好吧我不知道西哈诺是什么
Okay I don't know what Cyrano is.
我说这个词14次了
I've said it 14 times.
我以为我知道是什么意思
I thought I knew when you said it,
-所以一直没问 -意思是一个呆瓜
- and then it was too late to ask. Okay. - It's when a nerdy guy
帮一个帅哥追求他深爱的女人
helps a handsome guy date the girl that he loves
告诉他怎么说 怎么做
by telling him what to say, what to do.
这不是我们在做的事情
That is not what we're doing.
我们完全是在帮我们的“父母”牵线
We're full-on Parent Trapping.
才不是
No, we're not.
我看了很多遍林赛·罗韩的经典电影
I've seen the Lindsay Lohan classic
我知道我们就是在帮“父母”牵线
enough times to know that we're Parent Trapping hard.
查理 重点是我们不能只让他们来电
No, Charlie, the point is, we can't just set them up,
我们得让他们继续约会
we have to help them keep dating.
这件 他是臀控
Yes, that one. He's an ass man.
奥蒂斯先生说您可以在大厅等候
Mr. Otis said you can wait in the lobby.
好好走路
Don't walk like that.
有两种对女生的赞美
There are two kinds of compliments to give a woman.
一种是她已经知道但需要别人确认的事情
The things she thinks about herself but needs confirmed,
另一种是她没想到会有人注意到的事情
and the thing she doesn't think anybody notices about her.
第二种更加重要
The second kind matters more.
柯尔斯顿：
我喜欢你的好胜心
亲亲
瑞克
查理 我明天会晚点来
Charlie. I'm gonna be in late tomorrow.