小人物

You did not pay me to babysit.
我给她打个电♥话♥
I'm just gonna call her.
她绝对不会把她的手♥机♥给一个孩子
She would never give her phone to a child.
你说的对
You got that right.
我不知道你干了什么 或你怎么干的
I don't know what you did or how you did it,
但你对乔丹做了什么
but you did something to Jordan,
你这疯狂的小恰吉娃娃
you crazy little Chucky doll.
恰吉 《鬼娃回魂》系列电影中杀人玩偶的名字
我要给警♥察♥打电♥话♥
I'm calling the cops.
昨天你的衬衣上有一个草莓甜甜圈印
You had a strawberry donut stain on your shirt yesterday.
什么鬼
What the hell?
有一晚 我们正在讨论一个约会软件
One night, we were brainstorming a dating app,
你给我讲了个下流故事
and you were telling me the lamest story
讲的是 你是怎样在你♥妈♥的♥皮卡车
about how you lost your virginity
的后座上失去你的第一次
in the back of your mom's Dodge Ram van.
但你告诉你的大学男朋友他是你的第一个
But you told your college sweetheart that he was your first.
你这撒谎的荡♥妇♥
You lying thot.
上帝啊 这个黑人身体里有什么魔法
What in the black Jesus?
这完全说不通啊
This doesn't make any sense.
你睡觉前是成人 然后你醒来
You went to bed grown, and then you woke up...
是小孩
Little.
但那仅适用于白人
But that's for white people,
因为黑人哪来的上帝这一说
'cause black people don't have the time.
我知道啊
I know.
发生了什么
What happened?
我甚至想不到有什么可能
I can't even think of what could possibly...
不 不是 我是说
No, no, no. I mean,
你怎么从这个变成这个的
how did you go from this to this?
我没见过更令人不可思议的变化了
I have never seen a better glow-up.
奥普拉 你能帮我搞清楚这件事吗
April. Can you help me and figure this out?
不 你是对的
No, you're right.
对不起 让我仔细想想
Sorry. Let me just focus.
想想
Think.
-我想到了 -什么
- I got it. - What?
古驰·马内
Gucci Mane.
他比你更光彩照人
He's had a better glow-up than you.
他快乐 他健康 他有六块腹肌
I mean, he's happy. He's healthy. He's got a six-pack.
他有十分好看的笑容
He has a really nice smile.
我不知道这些是否只是徒有其表
I don't know if those are veneers,
但有人说我们笑起来很像
but people say we smile alike...
奥普拉
April!
你能帮我吗
Can you help me?
我不喜欢那样
Mmm-mmm, I don't like that.
什么
What?
我喜欢孩子们有传统的礼貌 所以
I like kids to have old-school manners, so...
我不是孩子
I'm not a child.
好吧
Okay.
请帮我
Please help me.
请帮帮我 奥普拉小姐 女士
"Please help me, Miss April, ma'am."
你在开玩笑吗
Are you kidding me?
不是
Nope.
请帮我
Please help me,
奥普拉小姐 女士
Miss April, ma'am.
好的 孩子
Okay, child.
好吧
Okay. Um...
试试本杰明·巴顿综合征
Well, try Benjamin Button syndrome.
电影《本杰明·巴顿奇事》中主人公
不 那是当你生来就老
No. That's when you're born old
然后你越长越年轻直到你又成为婴儿
and then you age backwards until you're a baby again.
好吧 怪我喽
Oh. Well, my bad.
我一定是弄混了我魔力的咒语
I must have gotten my magical body curses mixed up.
等一下
Wait a minute.
-怎么了 -就是这样
- What? - That's it.
那个女孩
That girl...
那个来自甜甜圈餐车的火灾隐患
The fire hazard from the donut truck.
她挥舞着那愚蠢的魔杖并希望我是小孩
She was waving that dumb wand and wished I was little.
是 但愿望并不会成真
Yeah, wishes don't come true.
因为如果愿望能成真
'Cause if they did,
我会怀有迈克尔·乔丹的孩子
I'd be on maternity leave
并且还正在休产假
with Michael B. Jordan's baby by now.
好吧 那么你去办公室
Okay. So you're gonna go to the office,
顺便拜访那辆车 绑♥架♥她
stop by the truck, kidnap her,
带她来这 明白吗
and bring her back to me, okay?
我有胶布
I have some duct tape.
我们饿着她直到她逆转这一切
We'll just starve her till she reverses this. Yeah.
我们也可以让请她用她的魔法杖
Okay, or we could just ask her to use her toy wand
许下另一个愿望
to make another wish
而且这个办法还不会构成重罪
'cause that's way less felony-ish.
只是
Just...
-你在干嘛 -怎么了
- What are you doing? - What?
我需要一杯葡萄酒 现在不适合喝龙舌兰
I need a glass of rosé. It's too early for tequila shots.
小孩子不能喝酒
You're too young to drink.
放轻松 只是喝几小口减压罢了
Relax. Just a couple of sips to take the edge off.
女版加里·科尔曼病症
"Female Gary Coleman disease."
加里·科尔曼 美国男影星 身高仅有4.8英尺
他死了吗
He died?
邻居真吵
Nosy neighbor.
我发誓 今天要你好看
I swear to God, you're gonna learn today.
干嘛
What?
儿童保护机构
Child Protective Services.
家长或监护人在家吗
Are your parents or legal guardians home?
奥普拉
April!
不好意思
Sorry.
你拿着的是什么 粉红葡萄酒吗
What you got there? Nice rosé?
谁是管事的
So who's in charge?
-我 -我
- Me. - Me.
文件显示说乔丹·桑德
I have that Jordan Sanders is listed
是这间公♥寓♥的物主
as the owner of this apartment.
是的 一次性付清喔
Correct. Paid in full.
超厉害的
Okur.
你说你是乔丹·桑德
You told me your name is Jordan Sanders.
我是这么说过
I did.
物主乔丹
Well, the other Jordan, the owner,
他是我哥哥
he's, uh, my brother.
是的 我爸 我是小乔丹
Yeah. My dad. I'm a junior.
女人也可以继承父亲名字
Yeah, 'cause women can be juniors, too.
你♥爸♥爸现在在哪里
And where is your father now?
我爸呢 这是个好问题
Mmm. My, um, father. That is a good question.
姑姑你知道吗
Auntie?
我爸在哪
Where's Daddy?
你清楚他在哪里呀
You know exactly where he is.
他在
Um... He's, um...
-在国外 -在太空
- Overseas. - Space.
在国外的太空
Uh, in a space overseas.
太空监视计划
Space Force.
八十年代里根时期提出的太空计划草案
知道了 你妈妈呢
Got it. And your mother is where?
她是个瘾君子
She's a crackhead.
乔丹是毒瘾婴儿 很令人难过
Yeah, Jordan is a crack baby. It's so sad.
毒瘾婴儿指母亲在孕期摄取毒品而生下的孩子 通常智商低下
所以她总是很亢奋
That's why she's so hyper all the time.
是的
Oh, yeah.
让我记录一下 姑姑和弱智
Let me just document this. Aunt and crack baby.
不不不
No, no, no.
这是暂时的
But this is just temporary
她很快就会回她爸爸那里了
because she's going back to her dad soon.
非常快
Mmm-hmm, very soon.
回哪里
Back where?
家
Home.
和我哥哥一起回夏威夷
In Hawaii with my brother.
那是总统奥巴马
That's President Barack Obama.
不 那是我哥哥
Hmm, no, that's my brother.
他们总认为我们黑人都长得一样
They just think we all look alike.