小人物

-四眼妹 -笨蛋
- Hey, four-eyes! - Loser!
我先自我介绍一下
Allow me to introduce myself.
滚下台来
Get off the stage!
这就是我 乔丹·桑德
That's me, Jordan Sanders.
其实这才是现在的我
Well, actually, this is me now.
我知道
I know. I get it.
我变了很多 对吧
Big change, right?
但那是1993年的我
But that was me in 1993,
那天我打算给温莎中学的
the day I decided to show
所有学生展示一下
everyone at Windsor Middle School
我最擅长的东西
what I did best.
科学定律
The laws of science.
这些定律都是真的 我很相信它们
They're actually true. I can trust them.
我可以依赖它们
I can rely on them.
我们不感兴趣
Who cares?
坐在那里的那个女孩子
There she is. You know her.
就是那种诚心让你难堪的人
The person who just can't let you live your best life.
请大家准备见证一场死亡挑战
Prepare to behold a death-defying feat!
我百分百相信机械能的转化定律
I trust the conservation of mechanical energy 100%.
我甚至愿意用我的命
So much, in fact, that I am willing to risk my very life to
去演示它
demonstrate.
切
Boo!
因为这个球不可能再回到原点
Because this ball should not be able to pass this very spot again.
去吧
Go!
那时本应是我的胜利时刻
Now, this should have been my moment of victory.
就这荣耀的七秒钟
And for seven glorious seconds,
我仿佛立于世界之巅
I was on top of the world.
但是就像那样 我完蛋了
But then, just like that, it was over.
有些事开始变了
Something changed.
虽然我知道的不多 但我知道我要变了
Little did I know, that something would be me.
乔丹 我知道你有很多计划
Jordan, I know you had big plans to go out there
就是想给那些孩子看真正的你有多棒
and show those kids how awesome you really are,
那样他们就不会每天在学校欺负你
so they wouldn't be so hard on you at school every day.
我真的很傻
Being me sucks.
要是我是别人就好了
I want to be someone else.
我知道你现在很难过
I know it's hard right now,
但那都是因为你还小
but that's just because you're little.
你长大了一切就都会好起来的
When you grow up, it won't be like this.
-真的吗 -是的
- It won't? - Nope.
-因为你很聪明 -对
- Because you're smart. - Yes!
我确实很聪明 是吧
I am smart, aren't I?
你知道聪明的小孩
And do you know what happens to smart people
长大了之后会怎么样吗
when they're big?
他们都会变成大老板
They become the boss.
-真的吗 -不骗你
- Really? - Really.
没人敢欺负大老板
And nobody, and I mean nobody, bullies the boss.
那我可等不及要长大了
Well, then I can't wait to be big,
那样我就可以做大老板了 没人能欺负我
so I can be the boss and no one will bully me.
不愧是我的女儿
That's my girl.
因为我会先发制人
Because I'll bully them first.
现如今
乔丹 你该起来了
Jordan, it's time to wake up
是时候追梦了
and live your dreams.
乔丹
Jordan.
我说过了 快起来 "亲爱的"
I said, wake up, girl.
我们起来赚钱 好吗
Let's get this shmoney, okay?
"亲爱的" 给奥普拉打电♥话♥
HomeGirl, call April.
"亲爱的" 魔力时刻到了
Take a woosah, girl.
事实上 奥普拉·威廉是你的助手
Fact, April Williams is your assistant.
助理也在工作范围内
"Assist" is in the job title.
正在呼叫奥普拉
Calling April.
所以你想揍你的老板吗
So you want to slap your boss.
你不是唯一一个有这种想法的人哦
You're not alone.
我们都有产生压力的诱因
We all have stress triggers.
即使是吸血鬼
People who are vampires, bloodsuckers,
也不过是恶魔罢了
just plain evil.
乔丹·桑德来电
Jordan Sanders calling.
乔丹·桑德来电
Jordan Sanders calling.
乔丹·桑德来电
Jordan Sanders calling.
乔丹·桑德来电
Jordan Sanders calling.
喂
Hello.
你醒了吗
Are you awake?
对 我醒了 我刚才在冥想
Yeah, I'm awake. I was just meditating.
给老娘起床
Wake up!
我打电♥话♥来的时候你必须是清醒的
Be awake when I call!
但是我又不知道你什么时候会打电♥话♥来
But I don't know when you're gonna call,
那我什么时候才能睡觉
so when would I sleep?
我不打电♥话♥的时候你才能睡觉
When I'm not calling.
奥普拉 你听我说
April, listen to me.
今天早晨我挺伤心的
I'm sad this morning.
为什么呢
Oh... Why?
我告诉过你一千次了叫我的管家爱莲
I have asked you 1,000 times to have my housekeeper, Elaine...
她叫琳达
Linda is her name. Linda.
把我的拖鞋放在离床53厘米的地方
...put my slippers 53 centimeters away from the bed,
这样我下床的时候才能正好穿上
so, when I hop out, my feet can land on them.
难道我要求很高吗
I mean, am I being unreasonable?
当然过分了 碧池
Yes, bitch!
我这点要求很过分吗
Is that too much to ask?
没有 您这样要求很合理
No, it's not unreasonable at all.
对啊 根本不过分
Damn right, it's not too much.
奥普拉 我不能再惯着你了
I can't be any kinder to you, April.
你为什么没在上班
Why are you not at work?
我不需要一个宅女助理
I don't need a stay-at-home assistant.
我马上就来了
I'm on my way.
-我现在就去 -快点
- I'm on my way right now. - Go!
盯着这个看
Keep your eye on this.
嘿 托尼
Hey, Tony.
-嘿 奥普拉 -我能点一份树莓果冻吗
- Hey, April. - Can I get a raspberry jelly?
你可以直接喷点香粉吧 我用鼻子直接吸
And you can just put a line of sprinkles out, and I'll snort them.
今天早上你那位女老板又找你麻烦了吧
Take it the boss lady's on the warpath this morning.
每天早上都是
Every morning.
-看清楚了 -好的
- Focus. - All right.
今天史迪维怎么没有去上学
Stevie didn't go to school today?
我给她请了一天假
Yeah, I gave her the day off.
校园恶霸不肯放过她
Those bullies just won't let up.
我能理解
I can relate.
嘿 奥普拉
Hey, April.
你想看魔术吗
Want to see a magic trick?
当然了
Yes.
我要把这一分钱变成二十五分钱
I'm gonna take this penny and turn it into a quarter.
那能接下来把我腰包变鼓一点吗
Can you get my paycheck next?
天哪
Ah, Jesus.
哇 好神奇啊
Wow. That was magical.
谢谢
Thank you.
把钱变多确实能让人开心
It's like she senses my happiness.
喂 乔丹
Yes, Jordan?
你打电♥话♥给埃美柯斯了吗
Did you call Amex
记得要安排我致电了吗 我要
and schedule my call? I need to have it...
"亲爱的" 挂断电♥话♥
HomeGirl, end call.
好的 没问题
Mmm-hmm. I got you.
-早上好 托维 -早上好 乔丹
- Good morning, Trevor. - Oh, good morning, Jordan.
你还在这里干嘛呢
What are you still doing here?
我睡过头了 不好意思
I overslept. Forgive me.
你总是在找借口
You always have an excuse.
你怎么总是防着别人 我伤害过你吗
Why you always got your guard up, huh? Have I ever hurt you?
没有 没吵过也是因为我总是防着你
No, you haven't because my guard is always up.
这段对话我们都说了几遍了
Why do we have this discussion back and forth?
我早应该看清你的
I should've known what you was about.
在你通讯录里 你叫我D男
You got my name as D Boy in your contacts.
我看到了
Yes, I saw that.
D那是