致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

女士们、先生们
Ladies and gentlemen,
你们的座位下面
under your seats,
放着一张柯南嘴巴的照片
you will find that very picture
of Conan's mouth.
请大家直接拿出来吧
Now, if everyone
can just go ahead and grab it.
真的在座位下面 右手边
It really is under your seat,
on the right.
来吧 把照片放在两腿之间
And... go ahead
and put it right between your legs.
请你们放在那里
If you could just kind of hold it.
你的阴♥道♥长什么样?往那个方向放
What vagina do you have? It goes that way.
瞧瞧这片美丽的阴♥道♥海洋
Look at this sea of gorgeous vaginas.
太棒了
Absolutely stunning.
柯南
Oh, Conan,
我的快乐绝对建筑在你的不适之上
your discomfort is my absolute joy,
I have to say it.
今晚 你的嘴巴代表了所有人
Tonight, your mouth speaks for everyone.
我们就像光彩夺目、不分性别的阴♥唇♥
As glorious, gender non-specific
beef curtains of peace,
在肯尼迪中心横扫全场
here at The Kennedy Center.
谢谢你给我们带来了这么多年的快乐
Thank you for giving so many
so much joy over the years,
也谢谢你为这里的每个人
带来了美丽的橘红色阴♥道♥
and for giving every single person
in this room beautiful ginger vulvas.
你的嘴巴虽然像个无唇阴♥道♥
但你的喜剧可是真够有咬劲儿的
Your mouth may be a lipless vagina,
but your comedy has real teeth.
我爱你 兄弟
I love you, brother.
Oh!
抱歉 还有一件事
Sorry, one more thing.
如果你们...
Just, if you can...
离开时 把照片留在座位上就行了
You can go ahead and leave those photos
on your seat when you go.
接手的那个人很喜欢抓小♥穴♥
The guy who took over
loves grabbing pussy.
晚安!
Good night!
我叫亨菲尔德·霍根
My name is Henfield Horgan.
我是哈佛大学学生教务长
I'm the Dean of Students
at Harvard University.
柯南·奥布莱恩是谁?
Who is Conan O'Brien?
Conan O'Brien, well, I'm told he was a student here,
柯南·奥布莱恩
我听说他曾是这里的学生
the youngest editor of the Harvard Lampoon.
是《哈佛妙文》最年轻的编辑
说实话 我完全没有夸张的意思
And, honestly,
I mean this with no hyperbole,
他上过哈佛大学
he attended Harvard University.
(“疯狂公鸡”)
哈佛的目标
是造就工业、金融和政♥府♥领域的巨头
At Harvard, we aim to create titans of industry, finance, and government,
比如亨利·基辛格
you know, Henry Kissinger,
能为世界带来巨大、切实改变的人
people who made a tremendous
and tangible difference in the world.
你觉得如何?
Mmm.
What do you think?
奶滋滋的
Creamy.
作为哈佛人
我认为柯南坚持了我们的标准
And, as a Harvard man,
I assume that Conan upheld our standards.
阴♥茎♥
Penis.
问他能不能看出我在健身
Ask him if he can tell that I work out.
是的
Oh yeah.
在哈佛 我们对学生的基本要求是
自带一股尊贵、得体
At Harvard, we expect our student body
to have an air of dignity, respect,
还有毫不费力的优越感
and effortless superiority.
为什么不挖个沟?
Why not dig a trench?
那样的话
球就能达到你期望的高度了
Then the ball would be as low
as you seem to wish it to be.
我们希望我们的毕业生能够
We expect our graduates
to have a reverence
对受人尊敬的上层社会公民
怀有敬畏之心
for well-respected citizens
of the upper class.
你这是在教人发疯
You're teaching people to be insane.
你毁了这个男孩
You broke this boy.
你毁了他的脑袋
You broke his brain.
你知道NBC有个土耳其水疗中心吗?
Did you know that NBC has a Turkish spa?
Oh, right here.
在这里
是不是很棒?
太好了 简直太好了
Yeah, isn't that great?
That is great. That would be nice.
是啊 唯一的要求是你必须全♥裸♥
Yeah. Well, the only catch
is you have to be completely naked.
没问题 我进去看看
Well, that's no problem.
I mean, I'll check it out.
你肯定会喜欢的 把浴袍给我
I think you're gonna like it.
Give me the robe.
把浴袍给我 进去
Just give me the robe. Get in there.
We'll be--
我们要...
在哈佛 我们崇尚世界各地的文化
Here at Harvard, we hold
the cultures of the world in high esteem.
像珍妮·杰克逊的伴舞
I look like a Janet Jackson backup dancer.
- I'm here to buy your country. - Yeah.
我是来收♥购♥你的国家的
对
When I'm walking around,
I like to yell out random Italian things.
四处走动时
我喜欢随便喊一些意大利语
Right.
You know?
好吧
你知道吗?
抱歉
你觉得这样做很冒犯
You keep thinking it's offensive.
大家只会以为我是意大利人
我...
People just think that I'm Italian.
I-- I...
罐装肉酱
你好
Ragù in a can.
Buongiorno.
哈佛大学曾培养出八位美国总统
Harvard has generated
eight U.S. presidents,
188位诺贝尔奖得主
188 Nobel Laureates,
48位普利策奖得主
and 48 Pulitzer Prize winners.
我们现在就试试吧
Let's do this thing right now.
那叫什么奖来着?
What's the name of the award again?
马克·吐温美国幽默奖
The Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.
Ah!
马克·吐温 那位河船船长
Mark Twain, the riverboat captain.
Uh...
我们学校全体人员表示祝贺
Congratulations from all of us
at the school.
你让我们感到骄傲
You've made us proud.
你们想怎么写就怎么写吧
我会签的 没关系
You guys can write whatever you want,
and I'll sign it. That's fine.
我们的下一位嘉宾
没能在2024年选举前
Our next speaker
didn't get the Mark Twain Prize
获得马克·吐温奖
before the 2024 election,
现在他更没机会了
and now he never will.
有请斯蒂芬·科尔伯特
Please welcome Stephen Colbert!
今晚 我们相聚一堂
向我们的朋友柯南·奥布莱恩致敬
Tonight, we gather
to honor our friend Conan O'Brien.
当然 我们都是通过
柯南在深夜秀中的出色表现认识他的
Of course, we all know Conan
from his incredible career in late night,
但在2021年
but in 2021,
他离开了他那部爆笑
he walked away from his hilarious
而且有人说还挺发人深省的节目
and, some would say,
thought-provoking show.
这么说的人不多 但也有
Not many, but some.
目前
So far...
目前只有我说过
So far, just me.
柯南知道 他还要征服更多的世界
Conan knew he had more worlds to conquer.
他知道无论接下来做什么
He knew whatever came next
had to be worthy of his talent,
都必须配得上他的才华
他的传承、他的睿智
his legacy, his fierce intellect.
所以柯南上了《辣鸡翅挑战》
So Conan went on Hot Ones.
如果你没看过
柯南客串的那集《辣鸡翅挑战》
If you have not seen
Conan's appearance on Hot Ones,
现在就拿出手♥机♥看吧
just take out your phone
right now and watch.
我不介意
反正也比今晚这里讲的段子更搞笑
I don't mind. It'll be funnier
than anything we do up here tonight.
我只希望自己能以某种方式
I just wish that I somehow could recapture
重拾他在那集中所表现出的勇敢精神
the courageous spirit
that he displayed in that episode,
但这怎么可能?