致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

I just want to say a couple of things.
是的 我本可以在印第安纳州铲屎
Yes, I could have been in Indiana,
shoveling shit.
现在正是一年中
完成大部分铲屎工作的好时节
Now is just about the time of year
when you get most of your shit-shoveling done.
但我拒绝了 我宁愿和柯南在一起
而不是去铲屎
But I said, no, I'd rather be
here with Conan than shovel shit,
我坚持这个决定 女士们、先生们
and I stand by that, ladies and gentlemen.
我们今晚相聚在这里
致敬编剧家、表演家
We're here tonight
to honor a writer, performer,
铁头气候变化否认家柯南·奥布莱恩
and fierce climate denier, Conan O'Brien.
我相信柯南·奥布莱恩
是最配得上马克·吐温奖的人
I believe there is no one better suited
for the Mark Twain Prize than Conan O'Brien,
因为和马克·吐温一样
because like Mark Twain,
柯南首先也是个作家
Conan is first and foremost a writer.
和马克·吐温一样
Also like Mark Twain,
柯南曾经骗过我去粉刷他的栅栏
Conan once tricked me
into painting his fence.
人们...
People...
我有信心说出这句话
今晚在场的所有人里
Of everyone in the room tonight,
I'm confident in saying this.
我长得最像马克·吐温...
I believe I'm the one
who looks most like Mark Twain...
在坟墓里躺了一百年的模样
...looks now.
我们的获奖者不仅是脱口秀主持人
Our honoree is not only a talk show host,
他也是《周六夜现场》
和《辛普森一家》的编剧
he was a writer for SNL and The Simpsons,
他主持过旅游节目
还有奥斯卡金像奖典礼
he's hosted travel shows
and the Academy Awards.
柯南 他们让你再度主持
奥斯卡颁奖典礼时 你是什么感觉?
Conan, what is it like to be asked
to host the Academy Awards a second time?
柯南被选为《深夜秀》主持人时
You know, when Conan was chosen
to be the host of Late Night,
大家都在问:“这家伙是谁?”
everyone was asking,
"Well, who is this guy?"
他怎么会上这个节目?
他怎么这么苍白?他生病了吗?
"How did he get this show?
Why is he so pale? Is he sickly?"
他身体的维他命C够吗?
"Is he getting enough vitamin C?"
他是个异常高大的孩子
"Is he an abnormally tall child,
还是长得像孩子的正常男人?
or a normal-sized man
that looks like a child?"
他贫血吗?”
"Is he anemic?"
在这样的气氛下
我当然得看看这个节目
Well, with previews like that,
I, of course, had to tune into the show,
我眼中柯南主持的《深夜秀》
and when I watched Conan
on the Late Night program,
是一个非常有趣的节目
what I saw was a very funny show.
他们冒了很大的风险
Uh, they took great risks.
节目以最好的方式展现了奇特的魅力
The comedy was peculiar in the best way.
愚蠢、荒谬、聪明
It was silly, absurd, and smart.
把这些特质组合起来并不是简单的事
All of which, not an easy combination.
那时候电视上没有这种风格的节目
In those days,
there was nothing like it on television.
看到这个片段时 我就知道
Here now is the moment I knew firsthand
柯南是《深夜秀》当之无愧的选择
that Conan was a great choice
to be the host of Late Night.
我想问你一件事
I want to ask you something.
大家通常不会想到这个问题
This is a question
that people wouldn't expect,
但我刚刚得到这份工作时
but when I first got this job,
我来到康卡斯特大厦...
I came here to 30 Rock.
对了 你是怎么得到这份工作的?
How did you get this job, by the way?
是主题写作竞赛吗?
Was it a theme-writing contest?
是的
对
Yes. Yes.
Yeah.
主题是“我会怎样主持脱口秀”
我获得了第四名
It was a what-would-I-do-with-a-talk-show,
and I was fourth. Uh...
没错 “我获得了第四名”
That's right. "I was fourth."
那时我就知道 这孩子真的很厉害
That's when I knew
the kid was the real deal.
现在的柯南 用他自己的话说
已经不再是“不该出现在这里的人”
Conan is now no longer, in his own words,
the guy who shouldn't be here.
他就是我们今晚
授予马克·吐温奖的获奖者
He is the guy we are honoring tonight
with the Mark Twain Prize.
女士们、先生们 请欢迎插话侠
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome The Interrupter,
贱狗凯♥旋♥
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog,
联邦快递教皇、自♥慰♥熊
the FedEx Pope, the masturbating bear,
还有乔丹·施兰斯基
and Jordan Schlansky.
我们非常荣幸地
Now, it is a true honor
将第26届马克·吐温美国幽默奖
to present the 26th Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor
颁发给我们的好友柯南·奥布莱恩
to our good friend, Conan O'Brien.
柯南
Conan.
谢谢
Thank you.
非常感谢
Thank you very much.
感谢
Please.
Um...
能够...
To be...
我爱你 柯南
I love you, Conan!
I love you too, sir. Uh...
我也爱你 先生
能够接受大卫·莱特曼
亲手颁发的奖项
To be handed this award
by David Letterman is,
老实说 我到现在还没缓过神来
uh, to be honest,
very hard for me to comprehend.
我想给你们讲讲背景故事
以便大家更好地理解
And I need to put this in context,
so you will understand.
那是1987年
The year is 1987,
我住在洛杉矶
and I'm living in Los Angeles.
大学毕业刚刚两年
I'm only two years out of college,
我没有工作
and I'm unemployed.
我和搭档格雷格
刚刚失去了我们的第一份工作
My partner Greg and I had just lost
our first job writing for television,
我独自坐在威尔希尔大道上的
and I am sitting alone in a Du-par's diner
杜帕餐厅里
on Wilshire Boulevard,
慢慢地吃着煎饼
eating pancakes very slowly
那是下午一点
我想把一整天慢慢耗过去
at one in the afternoon
to try and fill out the entire day.
我当时雄心壮志
My burning ambition...
我相信 我这辈子的使命
...I believe my destiny,
就是给大卫的《深夜秀》写段子
is to write for Dave's Late Night show.
可我刚刚听说 他们的首席编剧
And I have just heard
from their head writer
那个仅有的空缺职位 已经找到人了
that the only open slot
has already been filled,
没有其他空缺职位了
and there will be no job.
感觉一扇铁门紧紧关了起来
Feels like a steel door had come down.
我不知道自己会变成什么样子
I had no idea what is gonna become of me.
想象一下 突然之间
Now imagine that suddenly
some angel from the future appears
如果有一位未来天使出现
然后告诉我 四十年后
and tells me that 40 years from now
我会站在华盛顿肯尼迪中心的舞台上
I'm gonna be on stage
at The Kennedy Center in Washington,
喜剧界最富盛名的奖杯
and that the most
prestigious award in comedy
会颁发给我
is gonna be handed to me
颁奖人是大卫·莱特曼
by David Letterman.
我...
I...
我会一脸震惊地看着那个天使
I would have stared at that angel
in utter shock
说:“等一下
and said, "Wait a minute."
大卫·莱特曼还活着?
"David Letterman is still alive?"
四十年后?
"Forty years from now?"
他比我大二十岁呢!
"He's 20 years older than me!"
天啊 他看起来什么样子?”
"God, how does he look?"
天使会说:“他留着胡子”
我会说:“那种整洁时髦的胡子?”
The angel would say, "He's got a beard."
I'd say, "Is it trim and fashionable?"
天使会说:
“不是!是白花花的长胡子
Angel would say,
"No! It's really white and crazy long."
想象一下陀思妥耶夫斯基
在育空河地区淘金的样子”
"Imagine if Dostoevsky was panhandling
for gold in the Yukon."