致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

Conan's early days were rocky,
有一次
他签了一系列为期13周的合同
and at one point,
he was on a series of 13-week contracts,
这是我12岁就了解到的信息
a fact I have known
since I was 12 years old.
一个12岁的小孩不应该说出这种话
No 12-year-old
should walk around being like,
“我的天啊 柯南要续约了”
"Oh my God, Conan's up for renewal."
这不是小孩该承受的压力
It's not stress a child should feel.
你也许会想
在此之前你有其他经验吗?
Now, you think, maybe,
did you have any primer for this?
我曾是小熊队的球迷
I was a Cubs fan,
所以我知道该怎样支持不断输球的队
so I knew how to root
for people that lose constantly,
做柯南的粉丝
就像做小熊队的球迷一样
but......with Conan,
it was like being a Cubs fan,
只不过你觉得他们输得很精彩
从某种意义上算赢了
but you think the way they lost
was so brilliant that they won,
你会努力去说服记分牌
and you're trying
to convince the scoreboard.
这就像是每场比赛结束后
作为小熊队的球迷
It was like being a Cubs fan
if after each game,
你们会认真讨论小熊队
there was a serious discussion
as to whether or not the Cubs
是否应该继续做球队而不被解散
should be allowed to be a team anymore.
但我很高兴能够加入你的团队
But I was so happy to be on your team.
接下来的十年里
我一直试图追随你的脚步
I spent the next decade
trying to follow in your footsteps.
2008年7月 我在和我妈妈共进晚餐
In July 2008, I was at dinner with my mom,
我接到一通电♥话♥ 说我被聘用
成为《周六夜现场》的编剧
and I got a call that I'd been hired
to be a writer at Saturday Night Live.
我回到餐厅里 跟我妈妈说了这件事
And I went back inside, and I told my mom,
and the waiter overheard me,
服务员无意中听到我说的话
他说:“你知道吗?
柯南·奥布莱恩就是从编剧做起的”
and he said, "Do you know
that's how Conan O'Brien started?"
我说:“我大半辈子都知道这件事
你♥他♥妈♥的白♥痴♥”
And I said, "I've known that half my life,
you fucking moron."
我接手了柯南以前的工作
I was headed to Conan's old job,
因为他变得越来越知名
as his star continued to rise and rise.
然后2010年 天啊 又一次
Then, 2010, Jesus Christ, once again,
我把自己绑在了柯南这棵树上
I gotta chain myself to the tree of Conan
看着推土机不断逼近
as the bulldozers closed in.
但话说回来
But hey...
那段时光不必再提了
enough about that time.
柯南已经说得很清楚
Conan has been very clear that
he has moved on with wisdom and grace.
他已经放下过去
以智慧、优雅的方式继续前进
与此同时 他那些激进的追随者
Meanwhile, all his radicalized acolytes
在全国各地四处游荡
were just left wandering
around the country,
颓废、偏执地认为付钱给我们的人
jaded and paranoid
that the people paying us
其实是我们的敌人 真是一团糟啊
are actually our enemies. It's a mess.
柯南说:“别愤世嫉俗”
然后大赚了五千万美元
Conan was like, "Don't be cynical,"
and then collected a cool $50 million.
你是这座城市里最有钱的草莽
You are the richest underdog in this town.
我知道
Yeah, I know.
柯南 你的成就非同寻常
Conan, you accomplished
something extraordinary.
你一直出现在我们的屏幕上
精彩绝伦 总是从点滴做起
You've stayed on our screens,
brilliant, always from the drop,
但又不断适应和创新
一次又一次地摇摆和穿梭
but adapting and innovating
and bobbing and weaving
一次又一次地摸索
and figuring it out again and again.
你做到了 你赢了
You did it. You won.
我想起了
I am reminded...
马克·吐温经常被引用的一句话
...of a quote
that is often attributed to Mark Twain,
虽然很多人说
其实这话最早是山姆之子说的
though many claim it was first said
by the Son of Sam.
历史学家还在争论它的起源
Historians still debate its origins,
but either way, it's apt for tonight.
但无论是谁说的 这句话都适合今晚
所以再说一次 不清楚是谁说的
马克·吐温或山姆之子
So again, unclear who said this,
Mark Twain or the Son of Sam.
“亲爱的吉米·布雷斯林
"Dear Jimmy Breslin..."
我是山姆之子
"This is the Son of Sam."
别以为你好久没收到我的消息
"Don't think that because
you haven't heard from me for a while
我就罢手了 不是的
that I went to sleep. No."
实际上 我依然很活跃
"Rather, I am still here,
就像夜里游荡的精灵
like a spirit roaming the night,
饥渴难耐
thirsty, hungry,
几乎从不停下来休息
seldom stopping to rest,
迫不及待地取悦山姆父亲
anxious to please Father Sam."
我爱我的工作
现在这个空洞被填补了
"I love my work,
and now the void has been filled."
你们的杀人犯 恶魔先生
"Yours in murder, Mr. Monster...
也就是山姆之子敬上”
...aka the Son of Sam."
感谢你邀请我来这里 恭喜你 柯南
Thank you for letting me be here,
and congratulations, Conan.
接下来上场的嘉宾风趣幽默
除了他最后的七部电影
This next guest can make anything funny,
except his last seven movies.
有请威尔·法瑞尔!
Please welcome Will Ferrell!
好吧
So, okay, uh...
听着 我都不知道该怎么开口
Look, I don't even know
how to get into this, um...
柯南...他今晚在这里吗?
有人知道吗?
Is Conan-- Is he even here tonight?
Do we know?
他...没有吗?
Is-- No?
他在吗?有人知道吗?
Is he here? Any idea?
在哪里?
Where? Where?
好吧
Oh, okay.
好吧
All right. All right.
Uh...
听着 我的心理治疗师告诉我
今晚不要总讲我自己
Look, my therapist told me
to not make tonight about myself,
这话我基本上同意
which I would generally agree with.
今晚是个特别的夜晚 但是...
Uh, this is such a special night, but...
但是很抱歉 我必须得提一下
所有人都避而不谈的问题
But I'm sorry, I just have to address
the elephant in the room, uh...
你们中有些人可能不太了解我
So, for those of you
who might not know this about me,
我在2011年获得过
马克·吐温美国幽默奖
I received the Mark Twain Prize
for American Humor in 2011.
别这样 谢谢
No, no, no. Thank you.
谢谢
Thank you.
当时 这个领域的竞争更激烈
It was a much more competitive field
back then.
但这不是非此即彼的事
And-- But that's neither here nor there.
当时我很幸运 柯南·奥布莱恩
And I was lucky enough
to have Conan O'Brien,
坐在那边的那个人
the man sitting right over there,
就像我现在一样 也为我做了致辞
speak on my behalf, as I am doing now,
柯南说了一些很感人的话
and Conan gave some lovely remarks.
演出结束后 柯南来找我
他说:“恭喜你”
After the show, Conan came up to me,
and he said, "Congratulations,"
说我配得上这个奖
I was so deserving, and that, you know,
说我是他见过的最有趣的人之一
I was one of the funniest people
he'd ever been around.
然后柯南跟我说了一句话
这句话我记得非常清楚
But then Conan said something to me,
and I remember it like it was yesterday.
他说:“我想告诉你
And he said, "Hey, just so you know,
如果他们愿意给我颁发马克·吐温奖
if they ever offer me
the Mark Twain Prize,
我会拒绝的
I will say no."
出于对你的尊重 我不会接受的”
"I will not accept it
out of respect for you."
我没有
I didn't, no.
你说了!
Yes, yes, you did! Yes, you did.
天啊!
Oh my gosh!
你绝对这么说过!