致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

Conan!
阴毛让他的老二看起来像回魂小丑
Has pubic hair
that makes his dick look like Pennywise.
柯南!
Conan!
夏天时 长了太多雀斑...
In the summer
has so many freckles on his--
夏天时 老二长了太多雀斑
In the summer,
has so many freckles on his dick
看起来就像朗·霍华德
和汤姆·索亚在拥抱
that it looks like Ron Howard
is hugging Tom Sawyer.
借用马克·吐温笔下人物
柯南!
Mark Twain reference.
Conan!
获得过12次儿童选择奖
和15次音乐电视大奖
Has 12 Kids' Choice Awards
and 15 MTV Awards.
柯南!
不对 其实是本尊啦
Conan!
Nope, that's actually the Sandman.
如果我用右手指你们
那就说“桑德勒”
In fact, if I point with my right hand
from now on, let's say "Sandman."
我们迅速试一下
Let's try that out quickly.
桑德勒!
以及...
Sandman!
And...
柯南!
以及...
Conan!
And...
桑德勒!
以及...
Sandman!
And...
桑德勒!
Sandman!
以及...
桑德勒!
And...
Sandman!
好 现在我们继续
Okay, now let's move forward.
脱掉上衣 所有女士们都晕倒
Takes his shirt off,
and all the ladies swoon.
桑德勒!
Sandman!
脱掉上衣 皮肤也一同被扯掉
Takes his shirt off,
and the skin comes with it.
柯南!
Conan!
以穿着丝质长款篮球短裤而闻名
Famous...
...famous for wearing long, silky basketball shorts.
桑德勒!
Sandman!
以两颗毛茸茸的大蛋
从紧身内♥裤♥里蹦出来而闻名
Famous for having long fuzzy balls
hang out his tighty-whities.
柯南!
Conan!
总被误认为是年轻的詹姆斯·凯恩
桑德勒!
Gets mistaken for a young James Caan.
Sandman!
总被误认为
是汽车销♥售♥店外的巨型吹塑玩具
Gets mistaken for one of them giant
blow-up thingies outside a car dealership.
柯南!
Conan!
出色的演员
Incredible actor.
桑德勒!
Sandman!
难以治愈的痤疮
Incurable acne.
柯南!
Conan!
可以走进全世界任何一家餐厅
无需预定即可有位
Can walk in and get a table
at any restaurant in the world.
桑德勒!
Sandman!
可以走进商场里的中餐快递
无需预定即可有位
Can walk in and get a table
at Panda Express in the mall
如果提前半小时到的话
if he gets there a half hour early.
老实说 如果是周五的话就不好说了
And to be honest,
on Fridays it's still iffy.
柯南!
Conan!
好莱坞星光大道上有他的手印
Has his handprints
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
桑德勒!
屁♥股♥上有他叔叔的手印
Sandman!
Has his uncle's handprints on his ass.
柯南!
Conan!
三小时内就可以长出浓密的胡须
Can grow a full beard in three hours flat.
桑德勒!
Sandman!
留了三个月的胡子
结果他的孩子们说:
Spent three months on a beard
only for his kids to say,
“爸 你刚刚吃了热辣奇多?”
"Dad, did you just eat
some Flamin' Hot Cheetos?"
柯南!
Conan!
重视自己的隐私
桑德勒!
Values his privacy.
Sandman!
电♥话♥号♥码是91766♥4♥765...
柯南!
Phone number is 917-66♥4♥-765...
Conan!
随时打电♥话♥给他 越晚越好
Call him whenever you want,
the later the better.
喜剧天才
Comedic genius.
桑德勒!
Sandman!
搞笑阴♥茎♥
Comedic penis.
柯南!
Conan!
娶了一个远远配不上的女人
Finally, is married to a gorgeous woman
way out of his league.
桑德勒和柯南!
Sandman and Conan!
是的 我们俩都是
Yes, that is the both of us.
爱你 莱莎
Love you, Liza.
爱你 洁姬
Love you, Jackie.
谢谢你们的善心
Thank you for the charity work.
说真的 柯南 接下来我要说好话了
But, seriously, Conan,
this is the nice part.
你是最风趣的人之一
这一点我们都知道
You're one of the funniest guys,
we all know that.
我记得洛恩当时在寻找下一位主持人
I remember when Lorne, you know,
was in charge of finding the next host.
他们提到柯南的时候
And right when they said Conan,
我对天发誓 每个人
每个喜剧演员都没有感到嫉妒
I swear to God, every fucking guy,
every comedian, there was no jealousy.
我们都说:“妈的 他绝对是最棒的”
We were like, "Fuck yeah,
he's the best, man."
你比我们所有人
都反应更快、为人更友善
You're faster than all of us,
you're nicer than all of us,
我很开心你能有这样的人生 兄弟
and I'm so happy
this life was yours, buddy.
太棒了
It's awesome. Uh...
你让我们变得更加优秀 小柯
You bring out the best of us, Conie.
我很高兴能认识你 认识你的大家庭
I'm glad to know you,
glad to know your great family.
我爱你们所有人
I love you all.
我很高兴全世界都和我一样爱你
And I'm glad the world loves you
as much as I do.
万岁
Long live...
柯南!
Conan!
好了 我们的最后一位嘉宾
Oh yes, our final guest,
他现在本该在印第安纳州铲马屎
who'd be in Indiana right now,
shoveling horse shit,
但却选择了来这里和柯南相聚
but he chose to be here with Conan,
请欢迎独一无二的
please welcome the one, the only,
大卫·莱特曼!
David Letterman!
谢谢大家
Thank you, everyone.
谢谢
Thank you.
在人生的成长过程中
你总会了解到一些新东西
Uh, you have to learn something
as you grow in life.
今晚我了解到的东西 请原谅我
And this evening, and forgive me,
this is my takeaway,
也许是因为我迟到了
and maybe I'm late to this party,
但我刚刚了解到的东西
but the thing that I've learned now,
是一个令人惊讶
there's something surprising,
说不上讨厌
uh, not unpleasant,
甚至有些吸引人的东西
那就是柯南脸上的某个部位
and awkwardly appealing
about a certain part of Conan's face.
我才刚知道这件事
I just learned that.
然后我听到他老二上有雀斑
所以我必须得出来了
And then I heard freckles on his dick,
so I had to come right out.
马克·吐温奖
Uh, the Mark Twain Prize.
天啊 我想说一件事
我不是什么历史学家
Oh my God, let me just say one thing,
and I'm not a historian,
但我相信历史会证明
but I believe that history will show,
这将是有史以来最具娱乐性的
this will have been
the most entertaining gathering
抵抗运动聚会
of the resistance ever.
我只想说几句话