致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

because, you know, I was regular size.
对吧?可是柯南...
You know? But Conan...
柯南躲不了 身高两米的沧桑汉子
Conan couldn't hide. Just a 6'6" abrasion.
走进游乐场 寻找着朋友
Just walking onto the playground,
looking for friends.
你只要看着他
You just look at him,
就知道那个可怜的混♥蛋♥完全没有机会
you know the poor bastard
never had a chance.
因此他创造了又一个伟大的喜剧生涯
And thus, another great
comedy career was made.
所以他才会在这里
That's why he's here.
对
Yes.
从小我就是脱口秀的超级粉丝
So, when I was growing up,
I was a huge fan of stand-up comedy,
我会看我最爱的喜剧演员
去参加深夜秀、讲段子
and I'd watch all my favorite comedians
go on the late night shows and do sets.
如果你够幸运 没有特别冷场
If you were lucky enough,
if you didn't bomb,
你可能就会被叫上台
you got to possibly get called
over to the couch
和主持人聊天
and actually talk to the host.
我开始对此着迷
And I became fascinated.
我的小脑袋会盯着方块电视
My little pasty brain
would be watching a square TV,
看着这些喜剧演员
looking at these comedians,
那些上台聊天的人
and there was something
about being called to the couch,
特别是那些电影明星们
that it showed, you know,
you belonged with all of these movie stars
会讲一些漫长曲折、毫无结论的故事
telling their long, meandering stories
that went nowhere...
折磨着主持人
...torturing the host.
但聊天是需要有来有往的
It was the back and forth.
你必须倾听别人说的话
你必须让出空间
You had to listen to the other person,
you had to give space,
如果另一个人要冷场了
你就得跳下去救他们
and if the other person was going down,
you jumped in to save them.
根据我的经历 在这个行业里
And in my experience, in this business,
没有人比柯南·奥布莱恩做得更好
no one was better than Conan O'Brien.
对
Yeah.
我要开始夸你了 兄弟
So... here come the compliments, buddy.
你肯定不愿意听
但你只能坐在那里默默忍♥受
You're not gonna like this,
but you have to sit there and take it.
好吗?怎么说呢
All right? I don't know.
每次上他的节目 我都觉得很自在
Every time I went on his show,
I just felt so comfortable.
他似乎总是知道我聊天的方向
He always seemed to know
where I was going,
他完美地表现出一副
不知道我接下来会聊什么的样子
and he perfected this art of acting
like he didn't know where I was going,
他所做的一切
都是在为抖下一个包袱做铺垫
and all he was doing was teeing me up
for the next big laugh.
这些年 我真的非常享受上你的节目
I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed
doing your shows over the years.
我超爱他的大脑运转方式
他很风趣、反应很快
I just love how his brain works.
He's so funny, he's so fast,
每次和他在一起
我都知道一切都不会有问题
and whenever I'm with him,
I always know it's going to be all right,
因为他会帮我做好铺垫、会拯救我
'cause he's going to set me up,
jump in to save me
and always make me look good,
能够一直让我展现出色的一面
因为他真的太他妈厉害了
because he's fucking awesome.
所以
So...
不管你信不信
Believe it or not,
我把你视为
我在这个行业里的高个子大哥
I consider you my eight-foot older brother
in this business.
还有头发的大哥
The one who got to keep his hair.
我真心为你高兴
I'm so happy for you,
我想不出还有谁比他更配得上这个奖
真的想不出 对吧?
and I can't think of anyone more deserving
of this award. I really can't. All right?
现在我把夸奖的话都说完了
So, now I've said all the nice things.
我又要做回
那个封闭的德裔爱尔兰疯子了
I'm now going to go back to being
the walled-off German-Irish lunatic that I am.
柯南 我想你和我都知道
And, Conan, I think we both know
今晚我们谁也不会
提起我对你说的这些好话
neither one of us will speak of the nice things
that I said about you this evening.
我猜在余兴派对上
我们会尴尬地握个手
I imagine at the after-party,
it's going to be an awkward handshake,
然后来个狼狈的侧面拥抱
followed by a poorly-executed side hug.
做完这些之后
And once we've taken care
of that business,
我们可能会取笑吃太多蛋糕的胖子
we'll probably make fun of fat people
eating too much cake,
或是一艘沉没的游轮 诸如此类的
or a sunken cruise ship,
whatever we need to do.
嘲笑别人的不幸
Laugh at the misfortune of others,
与此同时 把我们之间的关系
while we reset our friendship
重新调整到这些年来一直保持的距离
to the emotionally distant place
that it exists all these years.
恭喜你 你当之无愧 非常感谢
Congratulations, you truly deserve this.
Thank you so much.
晚安
Good night.
刚进入喜剧行业时
这个圈子里的人非常重要
When you're first starting comedy,
it's really about the community.
你总会和其他同行们在一起
You're hanging out with comedians
all the time,
随着职业的发展
你和大家相聚的机会越来越少
and as you go off, you don't really get
to hang out with people as much anymore.
所以我认为今晚最让人兴奋的地方
And so I think the thrill in that room is
就是能和那些
与你一起即兴表演的人相聚一堂
you're with people who can,
like, riff with you.
今晚感觉很特别 因为是柯南
It feels really special
because it's Conan,
我想不出还有谁
比柯南·奥布莱恩更受欢迎
because I can't think of someone
who's more beloved than Conan O'Brien.
刚刚搬到美国后
我就成了柯南的粉丝
I've been a fan of Conan's
since I first moved to America.
我独自搬到这里上大学
没有家人 一个来自巴基斯坦的孩子
I moved here for college on my own,
no family, just this kid from Pakistan,
18岁时独自来到一片陌生的土地
alone at 18 in a strange land.
我当时不知道美国会是什么样子
I had no idea
what America was gonna be like.
我感到孤独又恐惧
I felt lonely and terrified.
我待在爱荷华州的
宿舍休息室里 打开电视
I turned on the TV
in the lounge in my dorm in Iowa,
我在美国电视上看到的第一个东西
and the first thing I saw on TV in America
was a masturbating bear.
是一只自♥慰♥熊
我记得当时 我心想我会喜欢这里的
And I remember thinking,
"I think I'm gonna like it here."
很多人都会聊那只自♥慰♥熊
A lot of people will be talking
about the masturbating bear,
但没有谁像我一样
通过那只熊 真正认识了美国
but nobody else has it
as their literal introduction to America.
通过它来认识美国 再恰当不过了
It is a fitting introduction to America.
对我来说 没有什么能比
一头强大的野兽在电视上自己爽
To me, nothing represents America better
than an unbelievably powerful predator
更能代表美国了
pleasuring itself on television.
今天柯南加入了这些杰出人士的行列
Today, Conan joins such luminaries
as Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bob Newhart,
朱莉娅·路易斯·德莱弗斯
鲍勃·纽哈特
亚当·桑德勒和史蒂夫·马丁
Adam Sandler, and Steve Martin,
但问题是
柯南真能与这些人相提并论吗?
but the question is, does Conan
deserve to be among these names?
柯南有资格接受
马克·吐温美国幽默奖吗?
Does Conan deserve to receive
the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor?
这正是今天
我要在吐温演讲中讨论的问题
This is the question we'll tackle today
during my Twain talk.
(吐温演讲)
好了
All right.
我们来看看
那些衡量喜剧是否精彩的标准
Okay, so let's go through the categories
that define comedic excellence
然后算算他到底水平如何 好吗?
and just see how the numbers
stack up, okay?
第一类 影响力
Category one, influence.