致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

你得是他们信任的人
and someone they can trust.
柯南 你就是那样的人
And, Conan, you're that guy.
我记得第一次做你的节目时
I remember when I first did your show,
我只是一个无名小卒
第一次上深夜秀片场
and I was a nobody comedian
doing my first late night set,
表演结束后 你花时间来到后台
and after my set,
you took the time to come backstage
陪我和我父母一起待了大概半个小时
and hang out with me and my parents
for like a half hour,
让我们一家人
真正享受了一段快乐时光
giving us truly
one of the greatest moments
we've ever shared as a family.
And we've been to Branson.
我们可是去过布兰森的
Uh...
柯南
Conan,
你不仅向我证明
一个人能见到自己的崇拜对象
you prove that not only
can you meet your heroes,
而且见到后 他们还会跟你妈妈调情
but when you do,
they'll flirt with your mom.
我每次见到你时都会这么说
I tell you this every time I see you,
但你真的是有史以来最风趣的人
but you're the funniest person
who's ever lived. I'm sure of it.
我很确定
不管是你打老式棒球
And whether it's you
playing old-timey baseball,
或者你无情地嘲笑
乔丹·施兰斯基说“探戈”的口音
or you relentlessly mocking the way
Jordan Schlansky pronounces "Tango,"
又或是你打造出的一系列怪异角色
or the way you created a space
for bizarre characters
like Preparation H. Raymond,
比如“痔疮膏药雷蒙德”
摔倒在地的“手杖糖小薄荷” 或是...
Minty the Candy Cane
who fell on the ground, or--
或是我!插话侠!
Or me! The Interrupter!
天啊
Oh God.
不是吧 你怎么会...
Oh no. How the hell did you--
溜过安检?
Slip past security?
你做了什么?告诉他们你是...
Oh, what did you do? Tell them you're--
比尔·伯尔的芳疗师?
Bill Burr's aromatherapist?
拜托 这里可是肯尼迪中心
这个地方...
Oh, come on. This is The Kennedy Center.
This place--
曾经很有意义
Used to mean something.
好吧 够了
All right. All right. That's enough.
今晚我们在庆祝...
Tonight we're celebrating--
那个红发怪胎的成就
The work of that ginger freak.
喂 那个红发怪胎可主持过...
Hey! That ginger freak just hosted--
奥斯卡典礼
The Oscars.
而你只是...
All you've ever done is host--
肠道寄生虫的宿主
Intestinal parasites.
尊重一点柯南
他是喜剧界的传奇人物
Show Conan some respect.
He's a comedy legend.
而你是...
And you represent--
他40年职业生涯的低谷代表
The lowest point of his 40-year career.
倒也不能这么说 因为...
Well, I don't think that's true because--
他现在做播客了
He does a podcast now.
可是...
But...
这也算不上什么低谷 毕竟...
I mean, that's not really a low point
because, I mean--
现在每个人都在做播客
Everyone has a podcast now.
等等 别告诉我你有播客
Wait, don't tell me you have a podcast.
我和科里·费尔德曼一起评测男厕所
Where I review men's restrooms
with Corey Feldman.
老天啊
Oh, good God.
听起来好像...
I mean, that sounds like it has--
完全不会有听众?
Zero listeners?
尤其是考虑到...
I mean, especially considering that--
不是那位科里·费尔德曼
It's a different Corey Feldman.
什么?等等 所以甚至不是...
What? So, wait, it's not even--
演员科里·费尔德曼?
Corey Feldman the actor?
是科里·费尔德曼...
It's Corey Feldman--
丢脸的收费站工作人员
The disgraced toll booth worker.
那简直是...
I mean, that's just the--
你听过的最可悲的事?
Most pathetic thing you've ever heard?
是啊 除非你告诉我们你...
I mean, yeah, unless you tell us you're--
披着秀兰·邓波儿埋葬时穿的斗篷?
Wearing the cape
Shirley Temple was buried in?
天啊!
Oh my God!
拜托你...
Will you please just--
把斗篷给你?
Give you this cape?
不 我才不想要那件斗篷 我是要你...
No, I don't want that cape.
I want you to--
滚出去?
Get the hell out of here?
对 难道你没有...
Yeah. Don't you have a--
内阁会议要参加吗?
Cabinet meeting to get to?
等等
Wait.
不是吧
No.
等等 所以你是新上任的...
Wait, so you're the new--
住房♥与城市发展部部长?
Secretary of Housing
and Urban Development?
哪怕你...
Even though you--
从来没住过房♥子
Never even lived in a house.
而且你还是...
And you're also a--
登记在案的性犯罪者
Registered sex offender.
这可是本届政♥府♥眼中的...
Oh, which this administration
actually considers--
加分项
A massive plus.
好吧 显然...
Okay. Okay. This has obviously--
有点太过分了?
Gone on way too long?
是啊 但说真的
赞扬柯南最好的方式无异于...
Yeah. But really, I mean,
what better way to honor Conan than with--
动用一个无人问津的角色
是啊
A character nobody asked for.
Yeah.
稍微浪费一点大家的时间
And a bit that wastes everyone's time.
没错!
Bingo!
谢谢你 插话侠!
Thank you, The Interrupter!
谢谢你 柯南
很荣幸向你致敬 我爱你
Thank you, Conan.
It is an honor to honor you. I love you.
希望你好好享受 晚安
谢谢
I hope you let this in. Good night.
Thank you.
《纽♥约♥时♥报♥》称他为
现存最伟大的脱口秀喜剧演员之一
The New York Times calls him
one of the greatest living stand-up comics.
“骄傲男孩团体”说他浪费了潜力
The Proud Boys call him wasted potential.
有请比尔·伯尔!
Here is Bill Burr!
好吧 谢谢
非常感谢 很高兴来到这里
All right. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Nice to be here.
柯南 很高兴见到你
Conan. Great to see you and everything.
很高兴来到肯尼迪中心
Nice to be here at The Kennedy Center.
没有什么能比
Uh, nothing says comedy
哥伦比亚特区自♥由♥奔放的创意氛围
更能诠释喜剧的魅力了
like the free-flowing creative vibes
of the District of Columbia.
对吗?我可想不出来
You know? I don't know what it is.
为了一己私利而发动、延长战争
There's something about, you know,
starting and prolonging wars
同时压榨劳动人♥民♥
while crushing the working man
for your own self-interest
这种做法确实能激励
所有聚集在这片沃土的人
that really inspires
all who gather on this fertile ground.
是啊
Yeah.
我是绝不会错过今晚的
I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
他们请我来这里的时候
我知道我必须得来
When they asked me to come out here,
I knew I had to show up
因为柯南一直给我一种亲切感
甚至在我遇见他之前
because I always felt a kinship for Conan,
even before I met him,
我们都是红发兄弟
just as a fellow redhead.
我们是看不见的少数派
We are an unseen minority.
众目睽睽之下 躲在树荫下
Hiding in plain sight
under the shade of a tree.
看着你们这些色素能够沉着的人
Watching all you pigmented people
晒着太阳
basking in the sun.
但我比他轻松一点
因为我的身高是正常尺寸
But I had it easier than him