致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

which is why I wanted to throw back
to one of our old classic bits
带大家回顾一下
我们以前节目的经典桥段
from the old show,
因为有个人很想跟你聊聊
because there's a certain someone here
who'd like to speak with you.
有请前总统比尔·克♥林♥顿♥
Please welcome
former President Bill Clinton.
嗨!谢谢 安迪!
Yee! Hi! Thanks, Andy!
你们好吗?
What's up?
小柯!
Cone Zone! Whoa! Ah-ah!
柯南 我很想念你的节目 真的
You know, Conan, I miss your show.
I really do.
主要是因为现在 我又少了
一个可以看到泰瑞·海切尔的地方
Mostly because now there's one less place
for me to see Teri Hatcher. Awoo!
Ah! Yes. I am also the one who is here.
没错 我也在噢
这是他们首次把奖项
This is the first time
they've given the award
颁给一位奖杯都拿不起来的人
to someone who can't even pick it up.
因为你是个四肢无力的弱鸡 柯南
Because you're skinny and weakling, Conan.
你没有肌肉
You got no muscle.
后会有期 柯南
Hasta la vista, Conan.
我是深受喜爱的电影演员
詹姆斯·梅森
It's beloved film actor James Mason.
Funny enough, dear heart,
真有意思
我在地狱里与魔鬼为伍
I'm down here in hell with the devil.
他真的很开心...
He's just pleased as punch...
搞什么?
What's happening?
...你能获得这个奖
...that you're receiving this award.
他说你充满勇气、活力
He says you've got pluck, moxie,
还有其他几样我不便复述的品质
and several other things
that I don't feel comfortable repeating.
因为我们不能再那样评论爱尔兰人了
Because we just don't say those sorts
of things about the Irish anymore.
我活着的时候 没机会上你的节目
I couldn't be on your show
when I was alive.
但现在有了人工智能
But now with recent developments in AI,
我们可以想象一下
梦想照进现实的样子
we're able to imagine
what that might have looked like.
事实上 我们制♥作♥了一段视频
In fact, we've got a clip.
看看吧 亲爱的
Take a look, my dear.
艾瑞克!
Eric!
等等
Wait.
艾瑞克 停下!
Eric, stop!
你好 柯南
Hi, Conan. Oh!
抱歉 想用一些蠢段子给你惊喜
已经变得越来越难了
Sorry, it's just getting harder and harder
to surprise you with that dumb clip.
我只想说 我真的很开心
I just want to say how happy I am
你获得了今年的马克·吐温幽默奖
that you are the recipient
of this year's Mark Twain Prize for comedy.
我认为你是最棒的
I think you're the best.
I love you, man, and congratulations.
我爱你 恭喜你
Oh...
继续做你该做的事
And keep doing what you do. Hm?
现在这个世界比任何时候都更需要你
The world needs it now more than ever.
说定了?
Deal?
电影院见
See you at the movies.
艾瑞克!
Eric!
等等
Wait.
艾瑞克 停下!
Eric, stop!
天啊 太棒了
Oh my God, that's right.
你绝对想不到下一位嘉宾是犹太人
You would not know
this next guest is a Jew
除非你读到她的名字 看到她的脸
unless you read her name, saw her face,
听到她讲话
and heard her talk.
有请莎拉·西尔弗曼!
Please welcome Sarah Silverman!
大开眼界
Outrageous.
前卫创新
Experimental.
独一无二
Singular.
具有启示意义
A revelation.
这些只是部分用来形容
These are just some of the words
我在《柯南秀》中表现的赞美之词
used to describe my appearances on Conan.
笑话信手沾来?走在时代前沿?
Too easy a joke? Were you ahead of it?
Yeah, maybe. Maybe.
是啊 或许吧
要庆祝我们的朋友柯南·奥布莱恩
最好的方式莫过于
But what better way
to celebrate our friend Conan O'Brien
不费吹灰之力
than without effort?
《柯南秀》中的段子很经典
The bits on Conan are legendary.
无与伦比
They're unmatched.
傻乎乎的 非常前卫
So silly. So willing to experiment.
他们写过一个柯南采访希♥特♥勒♥的段子
They wrote a bit
where Conan interviews Hitler,
希♥特♥勒♥上了节目 因为他感觉很尴尬
who comes on because he's embarrassed
因为有人拿他和唐纳德·特朗普比较
that he's being compared to Donald Trump.
他们让我扮演希♥特♥勒♥
And they cast me as Hitler.
是啊
Yeah. Oh yeah.
好吧 虽然我确实
能够长出自然的小胡子
And now, you know, despite being able to grow
an organically narrow mustache,
但我并不是扮演希♥特♥勒♥的绝佳人选
I am actually, uh,
not an obvious choice for Hitler.
当然了
我确实是希♥特♥勒♥会选择的那类人 但...
I mean, I am an obvious choice
for Hitler, but I...
不是扮演希♥特♥勒♥的最佳人选
Not an obvious choice to play Hitler, uh...
但他们选择了我
But they chose me,
正是这种思维方式
让柯南再次伟大起来
and it's this way of thinking
that makes Conan great again.
天啊
Man.
我真的很怀念那些日子
I just really miss the days
那时你是全美国唯一一位橙色混♥蛋♥
when you were America's
only orange asshole.
我...
I...
Oh, pace yourselves.
别着急
从柯南的第一个脱口秀开始
我就爱上了他的节目
I have loved Conan
from the start of his first talk show.
从某些方面来说
我和柯南是同一♥期♥间上节目的
You know, in some ways,
Conan and I came up together.
他初次上《周六夜现场》的那年
His first year on the air
was my first and last
我也第一次、最后一次
以及唯一一次上了节目
and only year on Saturday Night Live.
甚至在我失去了
演艺界第一个也是唯一一个工作后
And even after I lost my first
and only job in show business,
柯南一直在扶持我
Conan kept having me on,
like, all the time.
柯南 无论是我
还是所有上你节目的喜剧演员们
Conan, the amount of creative freedom
you have given me,
你给了我们无限的创意空间
and all the comics
who have gone on your show,
这真的是一份慷慨大礼
it's been such a gift, uh...
你一直信任我 让我做真实的自己
You've always trusted me
to be my authentic self.
还记得有一次我上节目
Oh, remember when I came on,
我用手♥机♥斜着拍了你嘴巴的照片
and I took that sideways picture
of your mouth with my iPhone, you know,
然后把它夹在两腿之间
and then I put it between my legs,
刚一放在那里 电台就给打码了
and as soon as I did,
the network pixelated it.
是的 没错
It was-- Oh, yeah.
只是一张你嘴巴的照片而已
It was-- It was just a picture
of your mouth.
这正说明
你的嘴巴和真正的阴♥道♥有多相似
Like, that's how much your mouth
looks like a real vagina.
我是说...
I mean...
那么多年来
大家都在电视上看不到阴♥道♥
All those years
of getting absolutely no vagina,
结果其实一直在你的脸上?
and it was on your face the whole time,
you know?
就像《绿野仙踪》的结尾似的
It was like the end of The Wizard of Oz,
or something.
还好今晚的节目会在Netflix上播出
Well, thankfully, tonight,
we are on Netflix,
所以全世界的人
终于能够看到两者惊人的相似之处
so the world can finally see
the stunning resemblance
而不必再打码了
without any pixelation.