致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

你在干什么嘛 老兄?
What are you doing, man?
所以你得明白
刚才发生的事情对我来说
So you have to understand
that what just transpired for me
就像奥本海默
在洛斯阿♥拉♥莫斯经历的时刻
was an Oppenheimer at Los Alamos moment.
在我继续讲下去之前
And before I go any further,
我要先感谢我的父母
I have to give thanks first to my parents
就差三个月 他们本能见证今晚来着
who missed witnessing this
by three months.
他们一定会很开心
They would have absolutely loved this.
谢谢我美丽又才华横溢的妻子莱莎
Uh, to my beautiful
and talented wife, Liza.
是的
And-- Yes.
还有我那些很有耐心
但对此非常不以为然的孩子们
And to my patient
and perpetually unimpressed children,
奈薇和贝琪 他们比我聪明多了
Neve and Beckett,
who are so much smarter than me.
他们不理解这有什么可大惊小怪的
他们想的也没错
They honestly don't get it,
and they're not wrong.
我要感谢这支乐队
麦克斯·温伯格和麦克斯温伯格7号♥
I wanna thank this band,
Max Weinberg and The Max Weinberg 7.
我要感谢所有慷慨致辞
才华横溢的演讲者
I wanna thank all the insanely generous
and talented speakers
他们今晚为了我飞到首都
who flew to D.C. on my behalf
for this evening.
我永远都不会忘记
I will never recover from this.
这就是我们民族的“成人礼” 我...
It is what my people call a mitzvah and I...
我们喜欢什么东西 都会“借”来用用
My people borrow stuff we like, uh...
还要特别感谢在肯尼迪中心
And a special thanks
to all the beautiful people
工作多年的全部可爱员工
who have worked here
at The Kennedy Center for years,
他们对未来可能发生的一切忧心忡忡
and who are worried
about what the future might bring.
我永远感谢他们对艺术的无私奉献
My eternal thanks
for their selfless devotion to the arts.
我觉得我们都应该...
And I think we should all...
够了
That was plenty, uh...
要感谢的人太多了
There are so many, many people to thank,
这是发表致辞最容易出问题的地方
and this is always
where these speeches go south,
因为你要感谢所有人
because you have to thank
all these people.
这是没办法的
You have to.
这是规矩
It's the rule.
但这需要很长时间
But then it takes forever.
所以我想了个办法 把这事尽快搞定
So I had an idea to thank everyone
as quickly as possible.
有请专业牲畜拍卖♥♥师
罗伯特·斯特克勒
Please welcome professional
livestock auctioneer Robert Strickler.
请他上台
Let's get him out here.
谢谢尼尔、卢克
凯特和简·奥布莱恩
Thank you, Neil,
Luke, Kate, and Jane O'Brien.
他们从一开始就陪在我身边
They were here from the beginning.
里尔登家族的蒙蒂
洛恩·迈克尔斯 迈克·斯威尼
Monty for the Reardons,
Lorne Michaels, Mike Sweeney,
杰夫·罗斯 罗伯特·斯密格尔
格雷格·丹尼尔斯 索娜·莫夫谢辛
Jeff Ross, Robert Smigel,
Greg Daniels, Sona Movsesian.
在我低谷时 他们给了我激励
At my lowest, they lifted me up.
艾米·李普曼 罗德曼·弗兰德
里克·路德温 里克·罗森
Amy Lippman, Rodman Flender,
Rick Ludwin, Rick Rosen,
加文·波隆 阿里·伊曼纽尔
李·布雷肯 他们一直信任我
Gavin Polone, Ari Emanuel, Lee Brecken.
They believed in me when I didn't.
莎拉·维克斯
宝拉·戴维斯 史蒂夫·库根
Sarah Wicks, Paula Davis, Steve Coogan,
Lisa Kudrow, Aaron, and Judy Daniels,
丽莎·库卓 亚伦和朱迪丹·尼尔斯
乔纳森·格罗夫
鲍勃·奥登克没帮忙 但大家都认识
Jonathan Groff, Bob Odenkirk didn't help,
but is recognizable.
马特·奥布莱恩 大卫·霍平
亚当·萨克斯 妮娜·罗森斯坦
Matt O'Brien, David Hopping,
Adam Sachs, Nina Rosenstein,
埃里卡·布朗 杰森·克拉姆
安迪·里希特是我的坚强后盾
Erica Brown, Jason Klamm,
Andy Richter was my rock, by my side.
迈克·里斯 埃尔·简
杰夫·马丁 山姆·西蒙
Mike Reese, Al Jean,
Jeff Martin, Sam Simon,
马特·格罗宁 詹姆斯·布鲁克斯
帕特·李 唐·莫菲特 鲍勃和金妮
Matt Groening, James Brooks, Pat Lee,
Don Moffitt, Bob and Ginny,
巨蟒剧团
华纳兄弟的卡♥通♥片 粉红豹电影
Monty Python, Warner Bros. cartoons,
Pink Panther movies.
言语无法表达你们对我的意义
我永远感激你们
Words can't express how much you mean,
I'll owe them all my eternal gratitude.
最后还有重达550公斤的
两岁格恩西小母牛
And finally, two-year-old,
1,200-pound Guernsey heifer.
她从一开始就陪伴着我
3000、3500
She's been with me from the beginning.
3,000, 3,500.
我...
I'm...
4500、5000
Forty-five, 5,000.
我...
I'm...
6000、6500
Six thousand, 6,500.
我...
7500
I'm......seventy-five.
成交 后面那位以7500拍下
Sold it. In the back there, 7,500.
我认为接受以马克·吐温命名的奖项
I think accepting an award
named after Mark Twain,
是一种责任
uh, is a responsibility.
提到马克·吐温
One cannot invoke Twain
我们就得解他是谁、他代表什么
without understanding who he was
and what he stood for.
别被白色西装、雪茄
和那艘河船欺骗了双眼
Now, don't be distracted by the white suit
and the cigar and the riverboat.
吐温依然“活着”
依然充满活力 依然与当下息息相关
Twain is alive, vibrant,
and vitally relevant today.
是的 他是美国最伟大的幽默作家
Yes, he is America's greatest humorist,
但他真正持久的力量
源自他坚守的核心信念
but his enduring power
springs from his core principles,
这些信念不仅塑造了他的喜剧风格
principles that shaped his comedy
也让他成为了最伟大的美国人之一
and made him
one of our greatest Americans.
首先也是最重要的一点
吐温痛恨欺凌
First and foremost, Twain hated bullies.
他在作品中塑造了许多施暴者
He populated his works with abusers,
such as Huck Finn's alcoholic father,
比如哈克贝利·费恩酗酒的父亲
《白♥痴♥威尔逊》中的
汤姆·德里斯科尔
Tom Driscoll in Pudd'nhead Wilson,
他把这些人物
塑造成读者深深厌恶的角色
and he made his readers
passionately hate those characters.
他“向上攻击” 而不是“向下攻击”
He punched up, not down,
他对弱者有着深切的同理心
and he deeply,
deeply empathized with the weak.
吐温...
Twain...
吐温!
Twain!
吐温对伪善极度敏感
他痛恨种族主义
Twain was allergic to hypocrisy,
and he loathed racism.
他曾写道:“世界上有许多可笑之事
Twain wrote, "There are many
humorous things in the world,
其中之一就是白人
among them the white man's notion
以为自己比其他野蛮人更文明”
that he is less savage
than the other savages."
吐温对美国社会中弱势群体充满同情
Twain empathized
with the powerless in America,
重建时期挣扎的前奴隶
former slaves
struggling in Reconstruction,
加州的华人劳工
以及逃离反犹主义的欧洲犹太人
immigrant Chinese laborers in California,
and European Jews fleeing anti-Semitism.
在那个旅行漫长又艰难的年代
Twain's remedy for ignorance
about the world around us
吐温为无知开出了解药
那就是走出去
was to travel at a time when travel
was very long and very difficult.
吐温环游世界并写道:
Twain circled the globe, and he wrote,
“旅行能调治偏见、仇视和狭隘
"Travel is fatal to prejudice,
bigotry, and narrow-mindedness,
而我们许多人
在这方面恰恰急需‘治疗’”
and many of our people need it sorely
on these accounts."
吐温...
Twain...