致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

吐温对民粹主义、
沙文主义、帝♥国♥主♥义♥
Twain was suspicious of populism,
jingoism, imperialism,
镀金时代的金钱狂热
the money-obsessed mania
of the Gilded Age,
以及任何盲目的
美国强权或自大意识都持怀疑态度
and any expression of mindless
American might or self-importance.
最重要的是
吐温是真正意义上的爱国者
Above all, Twain was a patriot
in the best sense of the word.
他热爱美国 但也清楚它的深层缺陷
He loved America,
but knew it was deeply flawed.
吐温写道:
Twain wrote,
“爱国主义
就是每时每刻支持你的国家
"Patriotism is supporting your country
all of the time
以及值得你支持的政♥府♥”
and your government when it deserves it."
好了
Now...
你们有些人...
Some of you...
你们有些人可能会想
这跟喜剧有什么关系?
Some of you might think,
what does this have to do with comedy?
这与喜剧息息相关
It has everything to do with comedy.
息息相关
Everything.
我一生所热爱的喜剧
The comedy I have loved all my life,
是那种自我批判、揭露虚假
comedy that is self-critical, deflating,
坚定地传达某个理念的喜剧
and dedicated to the proposition
that we are all flawed,
我们每个人都是有缺陷的、荒谬的
都在同一片泥沼中挣扎
absurd, and wallowing in the mud together.
马克·吐温的作品
之所以有趣、在今天仍具有重要意义
Twain is funny and important today
是因为他的作品是通过幽默
because his comedy
is a hilarious celebration
展现我们的恐惧、我们的笨拙
of our fears, our ineptitude,
以及作为人类
所必然拥有的那份混乱与荒唐
and the glorious mess of being human.
当我们真正纪念吐温
When we celebrate Twain,
看清他的本质时
truly see him for who he was,
其实也是在承认我们之间的共同之处
we acknowledge our commonality,
让彼此更加贴近
and we move just a little closer together.
So I accept this award
所以我怀着这样的精神来接受奖项
in the spirit of humility,
stupidity, inanity,
谦卑、愚蠢、荒诞
无关紧要、恐惧、自我怀疑
irrelevance, fear, self-doubt,
以及那份深沉且挥之不去的傻气
and profound, unceasing silliness.
谢谢 这是我一生的荣幸
I thank you. It's the honor of a lifetime.
非常感谢
Thank you so much.
还有...
And...
你们知道...
You know...
谢谢 我要...
Thank you. I'm going to...
通常我都是在掌声雷动中离场
但这次例外
Always get out on a standing ovation,
but not this time.
我曾经说过
I said it once.
我说过吐温还活着 我是认真的
I said Twain's alive and well,
and I mean it.
马克·吐温 我爱你
Mark Twain, I love you.
我也爱你 柯南·奥布莱恩
And I love you, Conan O'Brien.
天啊 是马克·吐温!
My God, it's Mark Twain!
没打招呼就来了
Well, sour belly on a biscuit,
本人正是马克·吐温
you bet it's Mark Twain.
三十年来 我一直躲在树上
观看这个吐温奖颁奖典礼
Been watching this Twain Prize Ceremony
for 30 years from up in the tree.
你是唯一一位真正配得上此荣誉的人
You're the only recipient
to really deserve this honor.
这话肯定不是真心话吧 吐温先生
You can't mean that, Mr. Twain.
我当然是认真的 柯南
Oh, you bet your bippy I mean it, Conan.
之前的获奖者都是小丑
And all the past winners are clowns.
威尔·法瑞尔是个丑角
Will Farrell is a buffoon.
如果他的双眼再近一点
他就是该死的独眼怪了
If his eyes were any closer together,
he'd be a damn cyclops.
亚当·桑德勒不识字
Adam Sandler can't read.
他不识字
He can't.
儿童绘本看了一半
Got halfway through a pop-up book
像个两岁小孩一样吓得尿裤子了
and filled his pants like a two-year-old.
凯文·哈特在获奖感言期间
拍摄了信♥用♥卡♥广♥告♥
Kevin Hart shot a credit card commercial
during his acceptance speech.
等一下
Wait a minute.
我可不想站在这里 听你侮辱
I am not going to stand here
and listen to you insult
这些出色的喜剧演员 吐温先生
these great comedians, Mr. Twain.
为什么?
Why?
这是你写的段子啊 柯南
You wrote this sketch, Conan.
我只是原封不动地说出来而已
I'm just reading it word for word.
不是这样的
That's not true.
这句话也是你写的
You wrote that too.
听着 我只是你剧本中收尾的人
我说的都是我自己的想法
Look, I'm a cutting bait on your script,
and I'm speaking from my own mind.
我想说的是 喜剧的本质
是保护弱势、展现荒诞艺术
My point is, comedy is about the weak
and the absurd,
这正是你所做的 柯南·欧布莱恩
and that describes you, Conan O'Brien.
作为一个皮肤几乎透明
长相幼稚的男人
You're a translucent man-child
你跌跌撞撞地走过三十年
who has bumbled
and stumbled through 30 years
专往没用的坑里蹦跶
of meaningless spasmodic idiocy
结果谁也不知道为什么
and somehow, against all odds,
你居然像块泡发的红酒瓶塞
you have landed here
啪叽一声被浪拍上了岸
like a soggy cork
washing up on a lonely beach.
吐温先生 话虽没错 但也太逆耳了
You know,
that's harsh medicine, Mr. Twain,
不过我猜正因如此
我才一直都很欣赏你
but I guess that's... I guess that's
what I've always admired about you.
时代总会变
Well, times change,
但人们必须保持坚定的信念
but people have to stay resolute,
谢谢你刚才夸我的那些话
and I appreciate those words
you said about me earlier.
你很有勇气 儿子
You got grit, son,
虽然这句台词也是你写给我的
and even though
that's a line you wrote for me to say...
我是真心的
I do so mean it.
这句话从你口中说出来
对我来说真的意义重大
Well, coming from you,
that means... that means the world to me.
我真的很爱你 吐温先生
I... I really do love you, Mr. Twain.
我也爱你 柯南·奥布莱恩
I love you too, Conan O'Brien.
好了 就这样吧 别再闹了 停下 不行
All right, that's it.
No more. Stop, no good.
不行 我们不能这样结束
No, we can't.
That's not how we're ending it.
我们不能这样
We can't do it like that.
不过你表现得很好 福特
You were very good, Forte, though.
女士们、先生们 这家伙会弹吉他
Ladies and gentlemen,
this man can play guitar.
想不想看他来一段?
Don't we wanna see
the man jam a little bit?
没错!
Yeah!
There's colors on the street
Red, white and blue
People shufflin' their feet
People sleepin' in their shoes
But there's a warnin' sign
on the road ahead
There's a lot of people sayin'
we'd be better off dead
Don't feel like Satan,
but I am to them
So I try to forget it
any way I can
Keep on rockin' in the free world
Keep on rockin' in the free world
Yeah
来吧!柯南·奥布莱恩!
Here we go! It's Conan O'Brien!
来吧 到你了
Go! It's you.
Oh, oh yeah
Ooh
Keep on rockin' in the free world
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah
Keep on rockin' in the free world
Oh
Thank you all very much!
感谢大家!
Will Forte, thank you.
威尔·福特 谢谢
Adam Sandler! Thank you, everybody!
亚当·桑德勒!谢谢大家