致敬幽默大师柯南·奥布莱恩专场（2025）

You totally said that!
天啊!
Oh my God!
天啊 你是这么说的!
Oh my God, you said that!
天啊!
Oh my God!
认真的吗?
我没有
Really? Really?
I did not.
真不敢相信!
Oh, this is so rich!
天啊!
Oh my God!
这简直太有柯南的风格了
This is a total Conan move!
你是说 这是我编的吗?
Are you saying that I made this up?
你是这个意思吗?
Is that what you're saying?
听着 我知道这是属于你的夜晚
但你现在看起来像个白♥痴♥
Look, I know this is your night,
but you look like an idiot right now!
你看起来简直疯了!
You look out of your mind!
我就知道会发生这种事
I just knew this would happen.
我没时间跟你玩!
And I don't have time for this!
你知道我本来应该在做什么吗?
You know what
I'm supposed to be doing right now?
你知道吗?
Do you have any idea?
我本该忙着去关闭教♥育♥部♥的 好吗?
I'm supposed to be shutting down
the Department of Education, okay?
结果却在应付这种屁事!
But now I'm dealing with this horseshit!
我的心理治疗师杰姬警告过我
说这种事可能会发生
Now, Jackie, my therapist,
warned me that this might happen.
说你不会承认这件事
That you wouldn't acknowledge
the situation, and that...
说我需要接受一个事实
那就是或许 仅仅是或许
I needed to wrap my head
around the fact that maybe, just maybe,
你 柯南·奥布莱恩
you, Conan O'Brien,
确实配得上这个奖
did indeed deserve this award.
我的朋友柯南
是我见过的反应最快、最聪明
That you are in fact, my friend,
one of the quickest, smartest,
最风趣的人之一
funniest minds I've ever come across.
Uh...
事实是
The truth is,
你永远猜不到
你的慷慨给予了我多大的表演信心
you will never know how much confidence
your generosity gave me as a performer.
毕竟我逼着你演播室的观众
看那些冗长又繁复的表演
As I dragged many of your studio audiences
through long, elaborate bits,
却收获甚微
with very little payoff,
就像我现在为各位做的这个致辞一样
very much like this speech
that I've subjected all of you to...
不管我的想法有多疯狂
你从没拒绝过
No matter how crazy the idea was,
you never said no.
当你离开《今夜秀》
When you left The Tonight Show
因为晚上十点的
《杰·雷诺秀》太受欢迎了...
because The Jay Leno Show at 10 p.m.
was just too damn popular...
那可是文化符号♥
晚上十点的《杰·雷诺秀》
It was a cultural moment,
Jay Leno at 10 p.m.
那是时代精神
It was in the zeitgeist.
你在最后一场节目中
告诉观众们永远不要愤世嫉俗
Your last show,
I watched you address the audience, asking us to never get cynical,
要为了我们的信仰继续战斗
to still fight
for what we all believed in,
不管是在喜剧中还是生活中
whether it was in comedy or in life.
虽然在2011年的余兴派对那晚
你可不是这么跟我说的
And despite what you told me
that night at the post-show party in 2011,
我觉得你真的配得上这个奖
I think you actually deserve this award.
恭喜你
Congratulations.
超级聪明的人都是了不起的喜剧演员
Super smart people are great comedians,
他不会因为有人和他一样有趣
and he's not threatened
by someone being just as funny
或更有趣而受到威胁
or, heaven forbid, funnier.
这种事不会经常发生
That doesn't always happen.
这种情况不常发生
It doesn't happen a lot.
但正因如此 我们才会聚集一堂
But that's why we're all here.
有请女版瑞奇·热维斯
Please welcome the female Ricky Gervais,
但她的笑话更有趣 胸也更小
but with funnier jokes and smaller tits,
妮基·格拉泽!
Nikki Glaser!
晚上好
Oh, good evening.
那是1998年的秋天
It was the fall of 1998,
我高一那年 我爸刚下班回家
my freshman year of high school,
my dad had just gotten home from work,
他说:“妮基 你得看看
我昨晚为你录的这个节目
and he's like, "You have to watch
this show I recorded last night for you."
我知道你肯定会喜欢的”
"I know you're gonna love it."
所以我不情愿地坐下来
So I, like, begrudgingly sit down.
他放入了录像带
He pops in this VHS tape,
印入我眼帘的内容
彻底改变了我的人生
and what I saw completely changed my life.
那是他和我妈妈
周末录的性♥爱♥录像 但在他...
It was a sex tape he and my mom
had shot over the weekend, but once...
在他找到本该播放的那盘录像带
Once he located the right tape,
and I stopped vomiting,
我不再呕吐后
他给我播放了...
he played me...
他给我播放了
《柯南深夜秀》的五周年特辑
He played me the fifth anniversary special
of Late Night with Conan O'Brien,
我的心被震撼了
比我爸在性♥爱♥录像带中还要震撼
and my mind was blown
more than my dad was on the first tape.
我简直不敢相信
I couldn't believe it.
我当时想 这个节目播出了五年
I was like,
"How has this been on for five years,
我怎么现在才知道?
and I'm just now finding out about it?"
我爸说:“因为前三季挺烂的”
And my dad was like,
"Because it was bad for the first three."
我心想 这居然是深夜秀?
I was like, is this even a late show?
我猜应该是吧 毕竟他穿着西装
I mean, I guess,
because he's a man in a suit,
在采访知名演员
interviewing a prestigious actor.
But then one commercial break later,
但在广♥告♥插播过后
他与一个叫“嗑药狼人”的家伙
大吵了一架
and he was in a screaming match
with a character called Coked-Up Werewolf.
正是那种礼仪与混乱的鲜明对比
It was this juxtaposition
of decorum and chaos
让我觉得柯南如此与众不同
that made Conan so special to me,
它给了我希望
也许有一天 我可以成为一个成年人
and it just gave me hope
that maybe someday I could be an adult
说话像个成年人 受到成年人的尊重
and sound like an adult
and be respected by adults
但依然可以表现得像个他妈的白♥痴♥
and still act like a fucking idiot.
但柯南不仅仅
是一个肆无忌惮的搞笑大♥师♥
But Conan isn't just a mastermind
of unbridled silliness.
正是因为他
He also gave us permission to laugh
我们在电视上看到一些
最堕落、最不道德的喜剧时
at some of the most depraved,
immoral comedy
也能畅怀大笑
you have ever witnessed on TV.
有时候他会在《深夜秀》中
There's this one bit
he would do on Late Night
随机播放《德州巡警》剧集中的场景
where he would play random scenes
from the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger.
是的
Yes.
我要播放一段我最爱的片段
柯南 我猜你应该知道是哪段
I'm about to play my favorite one ever,
and, Conan, I think you know the one.
而且要在著名的肯尼迪中心里播放
And that one's about to be played here
at the prestigious Kennedy Center.
来吧
Let her rip.
你好吗 小伙伴?
And how you doing, little partner?
挺好的 我现在叫“小访客”
Fine. And it's Little Visitor now.
切罗基语的发音是“阿达瓦尤里”
"Adawa Yoli" is how you say it
in Cherokee.
不好意思 你也太厉害了!
Uh... Pardon my French, but I'll be damned.
沃克说我得了艾滋病
Walker told me I have AIDS.
那是柯南的招牌动作
That is trademark Conan.
一个虔诚的天主教男孩
惆怅地望着虚假的夜空
A good Catholic boy despondently staring
into the fake night sky,
好像那个他不但点头同意
且排练过的段子跟他一点关系都没有
disavowing any responsibility for a bit
he not only approved of, but rehearsed.
A bit like that only works
这种段子
只有在观众了解你的为人时才奏效
if the audience knows
you're a good person,