婚前风波
I'll go check on your salads.
我去问问你们的沙拉好了没
Oleg, what's the hold up with the salads?
Oleg 沙拉怎么还没好?
I never made one before.
我以前从没做过
My two favorite guys, Big Doug and Sancho,
我最爱的两个人 大Doug和Sancho
are ordering salads?
他们点的是沙拉?
What happened to their usual BLTs?
他们平时点的BLT呢?
Burgers, lasagna, and tacos?
汉堡 千层面 玉米饼?
They said they want to lose weight.
他们说想要减肥
And no matter what you order,
不管点什么
it's easier to throw up here than at home.
比起在家吃 在这里更容易吐出来
I don't get why nobody wants to be fat anymore.
我不懂 为什么大家都想要减肥
The fat seasons of Oprah were always the best.
奥普拉胖的时候 节目一直是最棒的
You're right.
说得对
Every other year of Oprah was the best years.
奥普拉不胖的时候也只有一年吧
What is this I hear about you blushing beauties on a diet?
我听说你们两位害羞小可爱要节食?
Oh, we're not blushing.
哦 我们不是害羞得脸红
We're just still flushed from sitting down.
只是坐下运动过后的脸红
And we're trying to get in shape.
我们想保持身材
Yeah, preferably a shape that doesn't resemble
对 身材最好不要像
a seasonal gourd.
一个季节性的葫芦
Plus my girlfriend wants me to slim down
而且 我女朋友想让我瘦下来
so we can sit on the same side of the plane when we travel.
这样我们出行时 就能坐在飞机的同一侧
Well, Big Doug,
大Doug
you tell that lucky lady that I would rather date a man
你告诉那个幸运的女士 我更愿意
with boobs bigger than mine
和胸部大过我的男人约会
than a man who brings his own salad dressing to a restaurant.
而不愿跟一个自带沙拉酱去餐厅的人约会
Pie me.
给我个派
Cherry, pumpkin, or coconut cream?
樱桃 南瓜 还是椰奶馅儿?
Yes.
全要
Max Black,
我 Max Black
bringing smiles to men's faces since puberty.
自发育以来 一直为男人脸上带来微笑
I just talked to this guy at...
我刚刚聊天的那个人坐在...
I think it's table three, I still don't know the numbers.
应该是三号桌 我还是记不住桌号
Anyway, he asked, "What's new?"
不管怎样 他问了句"有什么新推荐?"
And I told him we were opening a dessert bar
我告诉他 我们明天将在机场
at the airport tomorrow.
开一间甜品店
Then I realized he was asking what kind of pot
后来我意识到 他问的是
I was selling this week.
这周我卖哪种大♥麻
Why are you telling people about us and the airport?
你为什么要跟别人聊我们和机场的事?
It's like when you told everyone you thought you had HPV.
这就像是告诉别人你觉得自己得了人乳突瘤病毒
That was a state-mandated kind of thing.
那算是政♥府委托的
Oh, look who it is...
哦 看这是谁啊...
the airport people.
机场工作人员
You guys putting together a little happy hour?
你们俩一起度过欢乐时光?
With the jocks at Southwest?
和西南部的肌肉男一起?
Or the "in crowd" at the Virgin Terminal?
还是和处女终点站的"小圈子"一起?
You know who's going to be a terminal virgin?
你知道谁会是最后的处子吗?
You can make all the death threats you want,
你们可以随意做尽各种死亡威胁
but you know what will keep me alive?
但你们知道什么会让我活下来吗?
The fact that you two work at the airport.
就是你们在机场工作的事实
Hey, everybody!
嘿 姑娘们!
Here comes the almost bride.
准新娘来了
Did you ever see a prettier almost bride?
你们见过更漂亮的准新娘吗?
I mean, you know, besides Jennifer Aniston.
当然了 除开詹妮弗·安妮斯顿
Sophie, it's only one week till the wedding,
Sophie 只剩一周就到婚礼了
so this is your last chance to take a run at me.
所以这是你投向我怀抱的最后机会
Now you won't be disappointed.
你不会失望的
I'm still very sexually active
我在前五分钟
for the first five minutes.
还是很性致勃勃的
Oh, Earl.
哦 Earl
If I took a run at you,
要是我投向你
you'd go right through that wall like Wile E. Coyote.
你会像骗子郊狼一样 直接穿过那面墙的
骗子郊狼: 出自卡通片"公路奔驰鸟/Road Runner"
Hey, bridesmaid.
嘿 伴娘
Hey, Sophie.
嘿 Sophie
Hey, Oleg.
嘿 Oleg
You got a message from your brother in the Ukraine.
你乌克兰的哥哥给你留了言
Yoshinko called?
Yoshinko来电话了?
Yeah, hear this message.
对 你听这条留言
What was the message?
什么留言?
"Hey, Oleg, did you see last night's Alf?"
"嘿 Oleg 你看见昨晚的外星生物了吗?"
Nah... I don't speak Ukrainian.
不... 我不会说乌克兰语
I mean, what am I, a plumber in Queens?
我又不是皇后区的妓♥女
No, so I brought the whole thing in.
不是 所以我把整部机器带来了
Here he is.
开始
Oleg...
嘿 Oleg...
Good-bye.
再见
What did he say?
他说了什么?
He's not coming.
他不会来
I understood a little
我听懂了一点
'cause I had a Russian Au pair growing up.
因为我有个一起长大的俄国交换生朋友
You know, until she bleached my good jeans.
在她把我好好的牛仔裤漂白之前
Yoshinko can't come to the wedding.
Yoshinko不能来参加婚礼
He's on a no-fly list, a no-drive list,
他上了禁飞名单 禁驾名单
and a no-walk list.
还有禁走名单
He's in jail.
他进监狱了
Oh, but he was gonna be your best man.
哦 但他本来要给你当伴郎的啊
I got a ham engraved for him.
我都给他留好火腿了
Don't worry, baby, I'll find someone.
别担心 宝贝 我会找别人的
It could be anyone.
谁都可以
He doesn't even have to be the best or even good.
他不一定是最好的 甚至不好都行
I'll have to lower my standards.
我会降低我的标准
Han,
嘿 Han
will you be my best man?
你可以当我的伴郎吗?
You said lower, not sub-basement.
你说的是降低 不是低到地下两层
Well, Oleg, I'll need to think about it.
Oleg 我得考虑考虑
Yes.
可以
Great. So Han,
很好 那么Han
you're in charge of the bachelor party tomorrow.
你负责明天的告别单身派对
I want a night that will disgrace all involved.
我想一个颜面尽失的夜晚
A night where no one can look each other in the eye
一个人会让所有人都不敢在第二天的早午餐上
at brunch the next day.
直视对方的夜晚
Wow, Han.
哇 Han
Bachelor party's a big responsibility.
告别单身派对的担子可不小
Do you know any grown-ups who can buy you beer?
你认识能替你买啤酒的大人吗?
Max, hurry.
Max 快点
The grand opening of this pink airport dungeon
这个粉红的机场地牢几分钟后
is in a few minutes.
就要隆重开张了
That TSA line took forever.
运输安全局那一关过了好久
The woman with all those nickels?
那个一身镍币的女人?
I haven't seen that much change on a lady since Chaz Bono.
自查兹·波诺以来 我没见过一个女人身上有这么大变化(这么多零钱)
查兹·波诺: 女变男的易性人
Don't worry,
别担心
I'm making friends in the TSA.
Judy 一个大姑娘 有点山羊胡?
Judy, big gal, little beard?
我正在跟运输安全局的人交朋友
Having lunch with her at the Wok N' Roll
在马航旁边的中餐馆
near Malaysia Airlines.
跟她一起吃午饭
It's pretty quiet over there these days.
这些天 那里特别安静
Hey, ladies.
嘿 女士们
Opening day, I'm so excited
开业日 我太激动了
my nipples have been shooting daggers since I woke up.
从我醒来开始 我的乳♥头就一直不安分
Seriously, I haven't been this excited
说真的 自从我父母把我送去军校以来
since my parents sent me to military school.
我还没这么激动过
God, does everything have to be fun when you're gay?
天啊 你出柜以后 一切不该很有趣吗?
If it isn't, you're not doing it right.
要是没有 那你就没做对
I'm just happy I get to be out front here.
我只是开心 我到前台来了
Finally, I won't be stuffed in the back.
我终于不用窝在后厨了(后♥庭没塞东西)
I mean unless I run into a Republican senator
除非我在男厕所撞见
in the men's room.
共和党参议员
Come on, let's open up.
快 我们开业吧
But DAT key though?
但钥匙在这儿?
I love this job.
我太喜欢这份工作了
Wait, should someone make a speech?
等等 咱们是不是要来个演讲?
A speech?
演讲?
If you want to hear my thoughts on opening this place,
如果你想知道我对在机场开店的看法
I'll just CC you on my suicide note.
我可以把我的遗嘱抄送给你
Fine, I'll make a speech.
好吧 我来做个演讲吧
To all the school janitors who told me I'd never have
那些说我的口袋太小 永远别想有
my own giant set of keys,
自己的巨型钥匙圈的
too big for any pocket,
门卫大叔们
and that I wasn't a good kisser?
和那些说我不是接吻高手的人们
They can all suck it.
统统见鬼去吧
Yes! Rise, gate, rise!
耶! 升起来吧 小铁门 升起来吧!
Ooh, you go, gate.
干得漂亮 小铁门
Yes, I'm drunk with power.
没错 我被权力冲昏了头了
Also, a little drunk.
不过我确实喝了点小酒
All right. Here they come.
好了 顾客们都涌进来吧
Yep.
或许
Any minute.
再等等
Just our luck.
或许我们点太背了
The one day the airport isn't crowded.
赶上今天机场没什么人
Well, I guess I have time to go check my make-up
好吧 我想我可以去男厕
in the men's room.
补个妆了
It's Han.
是Han
He wants us to come to Oleg's bachelor party tonight.
他想让我们今晚去参加Oleg的告别单身派对
I've gotten a call like this before,
之前也接到过这种电话
but usually it's through a service that involves
不过通常都是那种贴了流苏胸片
making some tassels spin in opposite directions.
还能两边不同方向甩的舞♥女打来的
No way.
我才不去呢
You know I was planning on going home and crying tonight.
你知道的 我打算今晚回家痛哭一场
Han is planning a party.
这可是Han策划的派对
You will cry there for sure.
肯定能让你哭出来的
That's true. I really can cry anywhere now.
这倒没错 我现在在哪都能哭出来
I guess I've got that at least.
我想这点我还是能做到的
I can't believe I work at the airport, Max.
我简直不敢相信我会在机场工作 Max
Hey, would you feel better if you held my giant keys?
嘿 要是我把钥匙圈给你 你会不会好受点?
Hello?
你好?
Hello.
你好
Welcome, you're our first customer.
欢迎光临 你是我们的第一位顾客
Do I get a prize?
那有什么奖励吗?
Is it you?
奖品就是你吗?
I'm on board now. I love this job.
我上道了 我爱上这份工作了
Welcome, everyone.
大家晚上好
I'm your M.C., Han Lee,
我是今晚的主持人Han Lee
gonna get the crazy party started here
请允许我以几个风趣幽默的色情笑话
with some dirty, racy jokes.
拉开疯狂派对的帷幕
This is the deadest place I've ever been to,
这是我到过的最死气沉沉的地方
and I once woke up in Heaven.
比天堂都死气沉沉
Okay, here we go.
好 那我们开始吧
What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
魔方和阴♥茎的共同点是什么?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
越玩越硬(难)
A Rubik's Cube was a popular 's toy.
魔方是上世纪八十年代一种非常流行的玩具
You suck! Next act.
弱爆了! 下一个
What do a walrus and a Tupperware have in common?
海象和特百惠(塑料产品品牌)有什么共同点?
Hold on a minute.
等一下
Something about a seal being tight...
是和密封条有关的...
Oh!
噢!
I just got a text from Josh, the pilot.
那个飞行员Josh给我发短信了
He says, "What's up, you?"
他说 "嘿 你在干嘛?"
Isn't that cute?
是不是很可爱?
Cute that he forgot your name?
忘了你的名字很可爱?
It's really been a long time for you, hasn't it?
你是不是真的很久没恋爱过了?
I took off my underwear last week and a coyote howled.
我上周脱了内♥裤 结果一匹狼嚎叫了起来
Tough crowd.
太棘手了
I'm talking about you, Max.
我是说你 Max
Oh come on, Han. Loosen up.
拜托 Han 放轻松
Have a drink.
来 喝一杯
A martini, an appletini, anything teeny.
马提尼 苹果马提尼 随便什么提尼(同"小"的英文发音相同)
Nah, just do a vodka shot.
别了 还是来一杯伏特加吧
If nothing else, the glass will look normal-sized in your hand
要是没有参照物 伏特加的小酒杯在你手上就和正常酒杯一个大小
and I'll have a laugh.
我照样能笑
Can't hurt.
伤不了我
But it did.
不过这酒确实挺烈的
Thanks for the party, Han.
谢谢你能来帮我主持派对 Han
What time is it starting?
不过派对什么时候开始啊?
I've never been a best man.
我从来没当过伴郎
It's a lot of pressure.
压力山大啊
Yeah, being a man would be hard for you.
没错 做一个男人对你来说就挺不容易的
You've never been one before.
你还是个小男生呢
Let alone the best one.
更别说当伴郎了
What's in that, ground glass?
这里面都是什么 毛玻璃片吗?
Ugh, this party is worse than the communist party.
呃 这个派对还不如共♥产♥党呢
And they killed half my family.
共♥产党♥可是杀了我一半的家人
Oleg, don't worry, I'll get this party started.
Oleg 别担心 我来让大家嗨起来
I'm making a call to some girls I went to school with.
我打电话把和我一起上学的妹子叫来
The Slut Academy on Seventh.
我们学校号称是第七街的荡♥妇学院
简称NYU(同纽约大学的简称) Commonly known as NYU.
I'm more concerned about my cousin.
我更担心我的堂哥
He has something I need.
我让他帮我带一些重要的东西
Soap? Deodorant? The toughest actin' Tinactin?
肥皂? 除臭剂? 还是药效最强的牛皮癣喷雾?
Oh, there he is!
噢 他来了!
Hey, hey.
嘿 嘿
Mwah, mwah.
木嘛 木嘛
Well, he didn't bring the deodorant.
好吧 看来不是除臭剂
Yuri, you made it.
Yuri 你赶来了
Are you the stripper?
你是脱衣舞♥女吗?
Probably in a few years.
可能几年后就是了
Did you bring the papers?
你把文件带来了吗?
The papers I need to get married?
我结婚要用的文件?
And those little Ukrainian candies I love?
还有我喜欢的乌克兰糖果?
Bad news.
坏消息
The guy who made the fake papers got deported.
那个伪造文件的家伙被驱逐出境了
They took the papers.
他们没收了文件
I ate the candy.
糖果也被我吃了
What'd I miss?
我错过了什么?
Besides my chance to become something?
除了我成名的机会
Are you the stripper?
你是脱衣舞♥女吗?
Nyet.
不是
A compliment and an insult in just one word.
褒贬全都涵盖在一个词里了
Oh, no.
噢 不
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
噢 不 不 不
Did I mention "no"?
我说了"不" 吗?
How can you say the word "no"
你这不是知道"不"的含义吗
but not understand it when women say it?
为什么女人说"不"的时候 你却听不懂?
This is a disaster.
简直是晴天霹雳
And not the kind where I can loot.
重点是我还没机会浑水摸鱼
I needed those fake papers to renew my fake green card.
我需要这些假文件来给假绿卡续期
Mine expires next month.
我的绿卡下个月就要到期了
Since when do you care about expiration dates?
什么时候你开始在意保质期了?
You cook with eggs so old they fight back.
你煮的那些蛋 老得都能孵出来小鸡跟你打架了
Sophie will never believe that I'm not marrying her
Sophie一定不会相信 我不是为了绿卡
just for a green card.
才跟她结婚的
She has major trust issues
她很难信任别人
since one day, her father went out for pierogies and...
因为有一天 她父亲说出去买煎饺...
came back without pierogies.
可是却空手而归
I'm really enjoying the dance stylings
我还挺喜欢这种展现了
of Camel and Toe up there.
女性下身魅力的舞蹈服装
Everyone is having fun except Oleg.
除了Oleg 大家都很嗨嘛
I haven't seen him so much as put the "V" fingers
我还没看见他在这些妹子面前
in front of his mouth at any of these ladies.
举手在嘴边比V的手势
Ooh!
哦!
Wouldn't mind some over the sweater action with her.
我不介意跟这个妞来点出汗的运动
Hers or yours?
她的还是你的?
Max, I just did something I've never done.
Max 我刚做了件我从没做过的事
Told a story about someone else?
讲了个关于别人的故事?
No, I sent the pilot a boob pic.
不 我给那飞行员发了一张裸胸照
Girl, you nasty.
姑娘 你可真下流
I know. I am nasty!
我知道 我好下流!
I just looked into the camera with my boobs out and hit send.
我裸着胸看着镜头 就点了发送
Ah-ha, that's awesome.
啊哈 太棒了
Uh, circling back now,
回到刚才那句
did you say you looked into the camera?
你说你看着镜头来着?
You didn't put your face in it, did you?
你没把脸照进去 对吧?
Girl!
姑娘!
You stupid.
你可真傻
How else would he know it was me?
不这样他怎么知道是我?
You never put your face in it.
永远不要把脸照进去
Didn't I raise you better than this?
我平常都怎么教的你?
Well, at least you weren't smiling in it.
算了 至少你没笑
All right, what kind of smile?
好吧 什么样的笑?
A flirty smirk could work.
轻浮的假笑是可以的
A come-hither grin would be great.
那种轻佻诱惑的笑更棒
More like...
更像是...
So you were in this... pose
所以你刚刚... 这样
with your yabbos out?
还露着奶♥子?
So you basically did a nude yogurt ad.
也就是说 你刚拍了个裸体酸奶广告
Yeah, but like yogurt you want to have sex with, right?
没错 不过是那种你想上的酸奶 对吧?
Oh, my God.
天啊
Sophie will be here any minute.
Sophie马上就到了
When I called, she was washing her hair.
我打电话时 她在洗头发
She was going to put it back on her head and come.
正要把它黏回头上 出门过来
Just be honest with her.
跟她讲实话就好
Sometimes the truth is ugly.
有时候真相是丑陋的
But she knows that. She's seen you naked.
她肯定明白 她都看过你裸体了
Well, still no text back so apparently not as ugly as this.
他还没回短信 肯定不能比这个再丑陋了
What's that about?
那是什么意思?
Are you selling real estate now?
你改做推销房地产的生意了?
Oh, wow.
哇哦
I mean, this party couldn't get any sleazier
这个派对不能更下流俗气了
unless you invited Robin Thicke.
除非你请来罗宾·西克(创作型歌手)
I'm looking up at skanky whore city,
这就是一个放荡卖淫城
but I trust you, Oleg.
但我信任你 Oleg
You do?
真的?
Yeah, why wouldn't I?
真的 为什么不呢?
Aside from my complicated past
尽管我过去遇到过
full of men that have lied to me.
无数个对我撒谎的男人
But you and I don't have secrets from each other, right, Oleg?
但你我之间没有任何秘密 对吧 Oleg?
Yeah, well, you see...
是这样的 听着...
It is time for the traditional best man speech.
现在该伴郎致辞了
So listen up, bitches.
听好了 婊♥子们
Ow, damn it.
该死
I am bleeding.
我在流血
Repeat, I am bleeding.
重复 我在流血
I can't believe this.
简直不敢相信
There's an app that burps when you shake your phone,
现在有一摇手机它就能打嗝的软件
but no app that unsends a boob pic?
但没有软件能撤回裸胸照?
Sophie. Oleg.
Sophie 还有Oleg
What's there to say about these two kids?
关于这两个孩子我能讲点什么呢?
Oleg is a bad cook.
Oleg是个烂厨子
Sophie, quite loud.
Sophie挺吵闹的
But somehow, when they get together, magic.
但不知为何 他俩在一起时 有奇妙的魅力
You suck, next act!
弱爆了 下一个!
Says the lady that works at the airport.
在机场工作的小姐如是说
And, Oleg, I'm so glad Sophie is marrying you
Oleg 我非常高兴Sophie要嫁给你了
so now you can stay in the country.
这样你就能留在美国了
Oh, no. Uh...
哦 不...
You suck. Next act?
弱爆了 下一个?
Yeah, I hear ya girl.
我懂你 姑娘
I mean that last joke didn't even have a punch line.
最后一句话都没有笑点
Yeah, I mean, it was sort of sad.
还有点小悲伤
It was no joke.
那不是开玩笑
This is serious.
是严肃的
It's really serious.
这问题真的很严肃
That boob pic is up in the Cloud now.
那张裸胸照已经在云端了
My boob is in the Cloud, y'all.
我的胸在云端了 伙计们
Sophie, I didn't know how to tell you.
Sophie 我不知道该怎样告诉你
You wanted to marry me for a green card?
你跟我结婚是为了绿卡?
See, I thought you were marrying me for my bod.
我以为你是因为我的好身材
Or for my connections at The Container Store, or...
或是因为我在收纳连锁店的人脉 或是...
I mean, I taught you how to read!
我可是教了你识字的!
Sophie, I can explain.
Sophie 听我解释
No, no, no. The wedding's off.
不 不 婚礼取消了
Oh, no.
不
What the hell am I going to do with all those pigeons
那群被我涂成新娘白的鸽子
that I had painted wedding white?
该怎么办呢?
Sophie, wait.
Sophie 等等
Aww, well, look who it is.
哦 看看这是谁
My dearly deported.
要被驱逐出境的小亲亲
I worked on that the whole way over.
我刚刚一路上都在想这句话
Sophie, I'm not gonna be deported.
Sophie 我不会被驱逐的
I'm gonna marry someone so I can stay in this country
我要娶个人 来留在美国
and win you back.
然后赢回你的心
I don't care who my new bride is.
我不在乎我的新娘是谁
Just upfront, it can't be me.
先说好了 不可能是我
'Cause everybody knows I'm married to my work.
因为所有人都知道我已经嫁给我的事业了
And it can't be me.
也不能是我
It just can't.
就是不能
They don't even have to be the best or even good.
她们不一定是最好的 甚至不好都行
Standards are out the window.
我已经没要求了
Look, it's a California Raisin.
看啊 加州葡萄干来了
Ooh. Sunglasses and Advil.
墨镜和布洛芬
Last night was mad real.
昨晚真是太疯狂了
Han,
嘿 Han
will you marry me so I can stay in the country?
为了我能留在美国 你愿意跟我结婚吗?
I'll need to think about it.
我得考虑考虑
Yes.
我愿意
Apparently the only thing he won't say yes to is health care.
很明显 他唯一不同意的就只有医保
Oleg, I don't believe you.
Oleg 我不相信你
This is just another trick to get me to do
这只是另一个小伎俩 来诱惑我
what you want me to do.
做你想让我做的事情
Like when you kept "dropping" your ice cream into your lap.
就像那次你总把冰淇淋"掉"到大腿上一样
No trick.
不是伎俩
Sometimes love makes you do crazy, disgusting things.
有时 爱会让你做疯狂又恶心的事
Like this.
像这样
Come here, Han.
过来 Han
And now I love this job, too!
我现在也爱上这份工作了!
Thank God he picked Han.
谢天谢地他选了Han
Wow, Sophie. Oleg must really love you.
Sophie 听着 Oleg一定很爱你
That had to be hard for him.
那对他来说一定很难
And from what I can see, a little hard for Han, too.
也能看得出来 Han也有点硬了(难)
At our wedding, maybe two pumps of breath spray.
咱俩的婚礼上 记得喷两次口气清新剂
Han, you're not marrying Oleg.
Han 你不能跟Oleg结婚
'Cause Oleg's marrying me.
因为他要娶的是我
I believe you now.
我相信你了
'Cause you kissed Han,
因为你亲了Han
and Asian girls aren't even your thing.
而你从不喜欢亚洲女生
Oh my God, Max, it's my boob pic.
天啊 Max 是我的裸胸照
Someone made it into a meme.
有人用它做了个迷因
A mammo meme?
大咪♥咪迷因?
You're not supposed to need those 'til you're .
你到四十岁前是不会需要这个的
My boob pic is gonna be hanging over me for the rest of my life.
我的裸胸照片会缠着我一辈子的!
Oh, come on,
算了吧
your boob couldn't hang over a pencil.
你的胸连根铅笔都缠不住