麦克斯学骑单车

I want to check my horoscope
我想查下占星版块
to see if I'll still be a whore in the future.
看看我未来是否仍是个卖肉的
All right, who wants to go first?
好了 谁要先来?
Ooh, do me. Do me. Do me.
我要 我要 我要
Can we have one night at the diner
在这餐馆能不能有一个晚上
that doesn't end with you yelling that at a woman?
不是以你对女人的呻♥吟声结束的?
All right, I'll go.
好吧 那我先来
"Gemini, the twins,"
"双子座 双胞胎"
and they're both doing fine, so let's move on.
我这对双胞胎好着呢 那就下一位
Han, what sign are you?
Han 你是什么星座?
I'm guessing the -year-old Virgo.
我猜是岁老处女座
Max, you don't need that paper.
Max 你不需要看那报纸
I'll tell you what's in your future...
我就能说出你的未来...
using my name as a reference at Chipotle.
以我做为推荐人 去Chipotle快餐店工作
You guys really believe in that crap?
你们当真相信这些鬼话啊?
They just tell you what you want to hear.
他们只是说了你想听的话罢了
"You will be rich. You will be famous."
"你会发财 你会出名"
You'd think I'd buy a newspaper if it said,
你觉得我会买到一张上面写着
"You will be a -year-old cashier"?
"你岁仍是收银员"的报纸吗?
Okay, ready to open?
准备好开门了吗?
Never have been, never will be.
从未准备好 永远准备不了
Let's do this.
开门吧
Wait.
等等
We have to do our business affirmation.
先得做下开业陈词
Please, God, don't let us be murdered in here.
主啊 请保佑我们别在这里被谋杀
All right, let's open 'em up.
好了 我们开门吧
- Oh, hell no. - Max.
- 卧♥槽 - Max
Hang on. I wasn't done.
等等 我还没说完
Oh, hell no!
我勒了个去!
Oh, she's yarn-bombing that bike.
她在给那辆自行车织毛衣
It's whimsical. It's new.
这很古怪 很新奇
It's stupid.
也很傻
Graffiti, I get.
涂鸦我还勉强理解
I see, "die, bitch. Die," on a wall,
我看到墙上写着"去死吧 贱♥人"
I think, "okay, this gentleman
就想"好吧 这位先生
wanted to get that off his chest."
只是想抒发自己的情感"
But this yarn-ival is pathetic.
可这种编织太可悲了
Yo, yarnie.
哟 毛线女
I have a name.
我有名字
It's Guinevere.
我叫格尼薇儿
Yep, that checks out.
看出来了
What's happening over here?
这到底怎么回事?
Why are you molesting that poor bike?
你干嘛要调戏那辆可怜的自行车?
Well...
好吧...
I am beautifying the city
我在美化城市
one living, glorious work of art at a time.
以每做一件美丽生动的艺术品的方式
And tips are always appreciated.
如能给点小贴士 感激不尽
Here's a tip:
那给你点贴示
go back to school and learn a trade
赶紧回学校 趁着老爹的钱
before daddy's money runs out.
没败光之前学门手艺
Well, I never...
我这辈子...
Worked a day in your life, we know.
从没工作过是吧 我们懂的
You think this is artwork?
你觉得那是艺术品?
Artwork is a Garfield mug, sweetheart.
加菲猫马克杯才是艺术品 亲爱的
You got Garfield in a hammock, saying,
你要能搞出加菲猫躺在吊床上说
"I'm not overweight. I'm under-tall,"
"我不是胖 只是高得不明显"
I'll build you a gallery right here.
我立刻在这里给你办艺术展
听着 你最好还是走吧 Look, you should move on.
My friend doesn't want you...
我朋友不想让你...
How shall I put this?
我该怎么说呢?
Taking a giant knit in front of our shop.
不想让你在我们店前面放个巨型毛线球
What is the problem? It is not even your bike.
有啥意见吗? 又不是你们的自行车
It's been chained here for, like, four months.
它已经被锁在这里四个月了
Oh, yeah?
是吗?
Maybe it is our bike,
也许还真是我们的车
and we use it for deliveries
我们用来送外卖
and to trap nerds.
或者困住傻子
Peace out, ganja beer,
走吧 瘾君子
before I knit you a noose.
赶在我把索命圈织出来之前
Max, that was a great idea.
Max 那是个好主意
What, that she go back to school?
哪个 让她赶紧回学校?
I know.
我就知道
At least a couple night classes, right?
至少也得上上夜校嘛 对吧?
Get around some people.
认识点人
She's a lost cause. Let's move on.
她已经没希望了 不说她
I'm talking about us doing deliveries.
我是在说送外卖的事
Why do we never deliver?
我们怎么就没送过呢?
Speak for yourself. I've delivered.
这话对你自己说去吧 我送过
Seriously, Max, those delivery services...
说真的 Max 那些提供餐饮外卖的商家...
Eat, GrubHub... do big business.
比如餐饮外卖网站等... 都是大生意
No one wants to go out now.
如今都没人想要出门了
People are so lazy.
人们都太懒了
I don't really feel like it.
这我是真没感觉出来
Seriously, Max, all we have to do
真的 Max 我们只需要
is slap a delivery charge on that product,
在杯子上放一个快递价格
And suddenly, a $ cupcake is bringing in more money.
然后忽然间 五美元的小蛋糕就能引进财源滚滚
And do you know what more money means?
而且你知道更多的钱意味着什么吗?
No. How would I know that?
不知道 我怎么会知道?
Okay, question:
好了 提问:
Which of these goes better with no pants?
哪件衣服和不♥穿裤子更搭?
I don't know. They're both timeless...
我不知道 它们都很不合时宜...
As in, there's no time you should wear those.
因为 任何时候穿都不合适
You can't be objective.
你不能感情用事
You're like a kid in a candy store.
就像在糖果店里的小屁孩一样
I'll ask Max.
我问Max
Uh, well, the red one kind of matches your rash.
呃 我觉得 红色那件与你的皮疹相得益彰
I think we have a winner.
看来有优胜者了
So why are you trying out the fancy mesh tonight?
你今晚为什么要穿这么迷人的网眼背心?
Well, even though Sophie and I are getting back together,
嗯 尽管我和Sophie复合了
We wanted to make it special and hold off on the sexual part
我们希望这次特别一些 把做♥爱部分
of the relationship until tonight.
留到今晚再进行
- That is so sweet. - I know.
- 太甜蜜了 - 我知道
I haven't even masturbated since right before I came in here.
我甚至憋到进来之前都没撸过
So, Chestnut, I was buying some rolling papers at the bodega,
小栗子 我在小酒馆里买了一些 大♥麻烟卷纸
And I hope this is cool, but I said they were for you.
我觉得挺酷的 但是我说是买给你的
Max, I have good news and bad news.
Max 我有一个好消息和一个坏消息
The bad news is,
坏消息是
this is the only good news I've had in three years.
这个是我三年里唯一的好消息
And the good news is...
然后好消息就是...
You found yourself a new apartment?
你自己找了一个新公寓住?
Don't toy with me, woman.
不要和我开玩笑 女人
Speak plainly and clearly.
赶紧清晰明了地说出来
Did you find a new apartment?
你是不是找到一所新公寓?
Close your eyes. I'll give you a hint.
闭上你的眼睛 我给你一些提示
Last time I was told to close my eyes,
上一次别人让我闭眼
I woke up in a bikini on a garbage barge.
结果醒来发现自己穿着比基尼在垃圾船上
P.s., closest I ever got to a vacation.
顺便说句 这是我最接近渡假的一次
Oh, you're dating a clown?
哦 你在和一个小丑约会?
Please, you know I would have told you
拜托 如果我和一个有车的人约会
if I was dating someone who had a car.
我肯定会告诉你的
Look, it's the abandoned bike from in front of the shop.
看 这是店前面那辆自行车
It was the bike from the front of the shop.
这曾经是店前面那辆自行车
Now it looks like a contestant on RuPaul's bike race.
现在它看上去像参加自行车变装秀的竞争者
We're gonna use it to make deliveries.
我们要用它去送外卖
I already signed us up for three delivery services.
我已经给咱们签三单外卖的活儿了
Still crazy smart.
依然聪明智慧高大上
Waste of time.
简直浪费时间
Amazon's got drones,
亚马逊都有遥控飞机了
and we've got one gay bike.
我们才有辆基车
I don't want to do deliveries.
我不想做外卖
I got this. You bake, I'll bike.
我负责 你烘焙 我骑车
And while you bike, I'll get baked.
你骑车时我去嗨翻天
I'm just gonna knock out these three "delivs"
我正打算去送这三份"外递"呢
And I'll met you at the cupcake shop.
然后在蛋糕店见你
- "delivs" ? - You like "delivs"?
- "外递"? - 你喜欢"外递" 这词儿吗?
It's an "abbreve" I made up for "deliveries."
这是一个我为"外卖快递" 起的"简称"
You like "abbreve"?
你喜欢"简称" 吗?
It's an "ab" I made up for "abbreviation."
这是我为"简略称呼" 起的 "简称"
I'm gonna make this short. Get out.
我就长话短说吧 滚远
Hey, everybody.
嘿 各位
Sophie, what do you think?
Sophie 你看这个怎么样?
Aw, good for you, Caroline.
哦 真有你的 Caroline
I've been saying that you should hop on something
自打我见到你 我就说你应该找个
pink and ride it since I met you.
粉♥嫩昂扬的东西 好好骑一番
Ah, Max, I'm so glad you're alone,
啊 Max 我真高兴现在只有你
'Cause I need some girl talk.
因为我需要聊一些女性话题
Okay, but the last time I did girl talk,
好吧 但是我上次聊女性话题的时候
I got $ for the first minute
前一分钟拿了美金
and $ for each additional minute.
然后每多一分钟就多加美金
不 是关于Oleg的
No, it's about Oleg.
Last night, he was unable to...
昨天晚上 他没办法...
Oh, what's a nice way to say this?
哦 怎么说才好呢?
He couldn't get his soldier to stand at attention,
他没办法让自己的大兵好好立正
and his penis wouldn't work either.
而且他的命根子也不起作用了
Well, uh, have you tried buying
好吧 你有没有试过去买本
a cosmopolitan magazine or something?
大都会之类的杂志?
They usually have advice on sex stuff
他们一般都会有性方面的建议
and how to hate your body.
还有怎样讨厌自己的身体
Max...
Max啊...
You don't think it could be me, do you?
你认为问题不会是出在我身上吧?
No way, Sophie. You are hot.
不可能 Sophie 你很性感
Ah.
啊
The first time Oleg saw you,
Oleg第一次看到你的时候
His soldier not only saluted.
他的士兵不仅仅是敬礼了
It exploded.
它简直是要爆炸了
You're right. I am hot.
你说的对 我说很性感
It's all him.
都是他的问题
Remember when I said you didn't have to do deliveries?
我之前说过你用不着去送快递吧?
You're gonna have to do deliveries,
你得去送快递了
'Cause I only went two blocks,
因为我只骑过了两个街区
And I'm sweating like Shia Lebeouf
我就像希安♥拉博夫在酒驾检测点
at a DUI checkpoint.
那般流汗流成狗了
Okay, you deliver. I'll open the window.
好的 你去送快递 我来开窗
But first, business affirmation.
但首先 我们来做开业陈词
Please, god, don't let us get pistol-whipped in here.
求你了 上帝 不要让我们在这里吃枪子儿
It's either that Guinevere or spider-man came out.
这不是格尼薇儿那就是蜘蛛侠出动了
Caroline, can I talk to you about a private matter,
Caroline 我能和你谈一件私人的事情吗
By which I mean the matter is my privates.
我指的是关于我私处的问题
Okay, but hurry, Oleg.
可以的 不过要快点 Oleg
I'm in the middle of a dream catcher situation,
我现在被困在捕梦网中
and it's a nightmare.
而且是个噩梦
And why me?
为什么和我说?
'Cause I trust and respect you
因为我信任你 尊重你
And I feel like you know your way around a limp penis.
而且我感觉你了解软趴趴的小弟弟
Maybe.
有可能
I talked to my therapist...
我和我的心理医生聊过了...
Roy, you know, down at the Starbucks.
就是那个Roy 你知道的 在星巴克里
He told me it's all mental.
他告诉我这都是心理作用
We didn't get much further than that.
我们没再多说
He spilled a grande mochaccino on his sandals.
因为他把一杯大杯摩卡奇诺倒翻在他凉鞋上
You're probably just scared.
你大概只是吓坏了
Intimacy is so hard for some guys,
有些人很难于去和别人亲密
It's not hard for some guys.
于是有些人就很难硬
Yeah, that's all over my head.
是啊 这对我来说太难了
Oh, no, Max forgot the order slips.
哦不 Max忘拿订单了
Oleg, I'm sure it'll all work out.
Oleg 我肯定一切都会没问题的
Good luck getting your penne al dente.
祝你最后能够发射成功
Again, over my head.
还是太难了
Max, what are you doing?
Max 你在干什么?
What are you doing?
你在干什么?
What am I doing?
我在干什么?
Well, I think I'm watching you shove
好吧 我想我是看到你
our delivery bike into the back of an uber car.
把我们的快递自行车塞到了一辆车后面
Well, this is uber-awkward.
呃 这真是"车"级尴尬
Come on, come on. In or out.
快点 快点 到底是要进还是出
All right, Caroline, this is Milesh, with a "k."
好吧 Caroline 他是Milesh 名字里有个K
He doesn't go to the airport,
他不去机场
and he once drove some of maroon ...
他曾载过魔力红乐队的成员
So maroon .
还载过魔力三
No, stop. Caroline.
别 停下 Caroline
If you want me to deliver the cupcakes,
如果你要我去送快递
I can't use the bike, I have to use the car.
我不能骑车 我一定要开车
Why?
为什么?
Oh, my god, are you pregnant?
哦 天啊 你怀孕了?
You ask me that every day, and almost every day I say no.
你天天问我这个 我每次都说没有
Look, I want to tell you, but it's a secret.
我想告诉你 但这是个秘密
And you can't tell anybody.
你不能和别人说啊
Do you seriously think I would ever tell anyone
你觉得我会和任何人谈论
anything about this life?
我这样的生活吗?
Right.
也对
I don't know how to ride a bike, okay?
我不会骑自行车 行了吗?
You don't know how to ride a bike?
你不会骑自行车?
Max doesn't know how to ride a bike?
Max竟然不会骑自行车?
Damn it, Caroline!
我靠 Caroline!
Max doesn't know how to ride a bike.
Max不会骑自行车
Oh, happy day.
哦 今天真开心
I finally have something over her.
我终于有超过她的地方了
There is a god,
真的有上帝啊
and he's laughing at her too.
然后他也正嘲笑着她
Lordy, this is harder to watch
天啊 这比金·凯瑞的喜剧
than Jim Carrey in a drama.
还不忍直视啊
Max, are you up?
Max 你醒了吗?
What's that smell? Did you bring home greek food?
这是什么味道? 你把希腊食物带到家里了?
No, that's me.
不 这是我身上的味道
That's how you smell after you ride a bike
当你在威廉斯堡骑着单车
all over Williamsburg delivering orders of cupcakes,
送了次纸杯蛋糕快递 你身上就会是这个味儿
And I do not wish to smell like this again,
我不想再发出这种臭味了
So you have to learn how to ride that bike, all right?
所以你现在必须学会骑自行车 好吗
Who do you think you are busting in here
你这是在凶谁呢
smelling like hummus but having no hummus?
没吃胡姆斯酱 却一身的胡姆斯酱味道
What is the problem?
这有什么难的?
Didn't your mother ever teach you how to ride a bike?
你妈没教你怎么骑自行车吗?
No, my mother was too busy being the town bike.
没有 我妈忙着被全城的人骑呢
Well, then I'll teach you.
好吧 那我来教你
Nope. Never getting on a bike.
不 绝不坐上自行车
It's one of my three "nevers."
我是我三不原则之一
Yes, well, your first "never" was,
好吧 你的一不原则是
"never having a blonde roommate."
绝不要金发舍友
You are chipping away at me piece by piece, lady.
我正被你千刀万剐呢 小姐
I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on.
你不解释原由我就死缠着你
I'd sit on your bed, but that's your third "never."
我想坐你床上 但那是你的第三个"不"原则
When I was little, there was this kid, Tommy Doonan.
在我小时候 有个叫Tommy Doonan的小孩
Nice kid, solid hopscotcher.
他是个好孩子 跳房子游戏的忠实粉
Used to give me his fruit roll-up at lunch every day.
以前每到午餐时间 他会把他的水果卷给我
Max, did he give you these fruit roll-ups,
Max 那些水果卷是他给你
or did you take them?
还是你抢的啊?
Don't interrupt.
别打断我
One day, Tommy Doonan got a new bike.
有一天 Tommy Doonan得到一辆新自行车
He was out front with this nice, older man
他当时坐在前面 身后是个很亲切的
who looked just like him.
长得像他的老男人、
You mean his dad?
你说的是他爸爸?
Mm, is that what they call them?
啊 原来他们的称呼是这个?
I assumed it was a predator.
我把他视为一种食肉动物
So anyway, I was making fun of him
反正我就一直嘲笑他
'cause he seemed happy.
因为他看起来很开心
I thought that was our thing.
我还以为我们之间才会这样相处
And he started showing off, doing wheelies and stuff,
他开始炫耀 骑来骑去之类的
to put me in my place,
还骑到我这边来了
But then he flipped up over the handlebars
但紧接着他就从车把手滑落下来
and came down hard on his face.
然后他的脸重重地摔在地上
Sad,
真可怜
but not worth me having baklava pits.
但这理由不足以让我为流汗流成狗
Well, wait.
别急
After I stopped laughing
然后我就不再嘲笑他了
and the man picked him up and hugged him predator-style,
那个男人扶起他 并用食肉动物的方式抱了他
I saw Tommy's teeth had busted through his cheek.
我看见Tommy的牙齿已经撞破了他的脸
To put it plainly,
说白了
his mouth was on the outside of his face.
他的嘴被撞歪到脸的外侧
Ew, that's like something out of a horror movie,
感觉像是恐怖片里的剧情
Like bike of The Living Dead or Texas Bike Chain Massacre
比如"活死人的自行车"或者是"德州自行车连环大屠杀"
or... well, that's probably enough.
又或者是... 好吧 够了
Every time I see a bike, I think of his little face
我每次看见单车 都会想起他的小脸
and his little teeth chomping out the side of it.
还有他那吞掉半边脸的牙齿
He had to eat apples like this...
他只能这么吃苹果...
Max, you are not responsible for that.
Max 那不是你的错
Yeah, I know,
是 我知道
and out of the jurors agreed.
人陪审团里有人是这么认为的
Thank you, number six.
谢谢你 六号陪审员
Anyway, it freaked me out, so good night.
总之 我被吓坏了 所以晚安
No, Max.
不行 Max
It is not going to work that way.
不应该是这样的
You're learning how to ride a bike.
你要学会怎么骑自行车
I'm already on one painful cycle.
我已经处于痛苦的人生年轮上
I don't want to get on another one.
我不想再坐到另一种轮子上了
Max, I have access to Tootsie Rolls,
Max 我有很多软巧克力糖
and if you get on a bike, I will give you four.
如果你坐上自行车 我给你四个
What am I, a chimp?
当我是啥 黑猩猩吗?
- Five. - Let's go.
- 五个 - 走吧
Don't look so smug, chestnut.
别一副得意的样子 小栗子
You don't know how to ride a bike either.
你也不会骑自行车
来吧 Max 就在这个小巷子学吧
Come on, Max, just out here in the alley.
哦 不是吧!
Oh, hell no!
- What? - She's been back here too.
- 什么? - 她也回到这里了
- Who? - Guine-queer.
- 谁? - 编织怪人
There's so much yarn-bombing, it's like craft-ganistan.
太多毛线轰炸了 就像是手工恐怖主义
Max, let it go.
Max 别管它
Stay focused.
回到正题
Get on the bike.
上车
No.
不
I don't want to eat apples
我不想用我的侧脸
out of the side of my face.
去吃苹果
Come on. Let me teach you.
别这样 让我教你
- Nope. - Want a tootsie?
- 不 - 要软巧克力糖吗?
You know I do.
你知道我要的
I mean, you taught me how to be poor.
我想说 你教会了我怎么做个穷人
Eh, you're getting really good at it.
你现在真的很擅长了
Come on.
来嘛
You know what they say about riding a bike.
骑自行车就这么回事
It's like riding a bike. See?
就跟骑自行车似的 看到没?
It's fun, see? Whee!
很好玩的 对吧? 哟!
Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee! Whee!
哟 哟 哟! 哟!
You got a real pretty mouth, Caroline.
你的嘴长得可真好看 Caroline
Can't wait to see it on the side of your face.
真想看到你的嘴撞歪到侧脸去
At least just get on the bike.
你至少要先坐到自行车上啊
You don't even have to go anywhere yet.
你甚至不用到处动
- Nope. - Want a tootsie?
- 没门 - 想吃软巧克力糖吗?
You know I do.
明知故问
Go.
上
What is this bar doing here?
这横梁是干嘛使得?
I have no use for a bar that can't get me drunk.
不能让我喝醉的东西不顶用啊
Okay, walk the bike over there
好了 把自行车推到这边来
and lean against the car to get your balance.
然后靠着车保持平衡
Just check and make sure there's no one around.
四处看看确保周围没人
Why do you care?
你担心什么?
The only people out here this late
这么晚还在外面的
would be rapists, murderers, and freaks...
只有强♥奸犯 杀人犯 变态...
You know, your peeps.
反正是你的同伴们
What the...
我勒个...
Hey, girls.
嘿 两位
Sophie?
Sophie啊?
What are you doing in that car alone?
你一个人在车里干嘛?
Oh, a dark alley at 3:00 a.m.?
天啊 凌晨三点在黑巷子里?
Has money gotten that tight?
你们缺钱到这种地步了啊?
Yes, but that's not why we're out here.
是的 但这不是我们出来的原因
I'm teaching Max how to ride a bike,
我在教Max怎么骑自行车
and it's pretty hard.
真是相当困难
Oh, yeah, I wish I had that problem.
唉 我倒希望自己能碰上硬的
I'm dancing with a rope in here.
我这里软的跟跳绳似的
We're trying some exotic, new locales
我们尝试着在一些有异域风情的
for our lovemaking.
新地方做♥爱
It's exotic because this isn't even our car.
说它异域 是因为这不是我们的车
Oh, uh...
呃...
We better hurry before that rabbi comes back.
我们最好在那个教士回来前抓紧时间
Maybe try barking at it again.
或许可以再试试对它叫两声
There was some movement earlier.
之前有人叫得时候有点动静
Come on, Caroline, teach me how to ride this thing.
快点 Caroline 教我怎么骑这玩意儿
I got to get away from temple gross shalom
我要尽快远离这座
as fast as possible.
淫秽庙
Okay, I'm gonna get behind you
好的 我就在你后面
and hold on to your seat.
扶着座位
Not without three Long Island iced teas
想在我后面得给我三杯长岛冰茶
and one, "your butt looks good in those jeans."
并且说句"这牛仔裤显得你屁♥股很翘"
- Tootsie? - Yeah.
- 软巧克力糖? - 好的
Max, don't look.
Max 别回头
Yarn-bombing?
是针织女吗?
Hey, Max.
你好 Max
Han?
天啊 Han?
I'm just riding my bike to the bike store
我正要骑着自行车去自行车店
to buy more bikes.
再买几辆自行车
Is that Han or
那是Han还是
Lance Armstrong's runaway testicle?
兰斯·阿姆斯特朗切掉的睾丸?
Sorry, couldn't hear you.
抱歉 听不到
I was too busy knowing how to ride a bike.
我忙着掌握怎么骑自行车呢
Damn it! Now I got to do this.
该死的! 我现在必须学会了
You know how quickly society will crumble around us
要是连Han都觉得能随意嘲笑我
if Han starts feeling like he can freely tease me?
这社会还得把我们挤榨成什么样啊
- You sure? - Yep.
- 你确定? - 当然
Making fun of han
取笑Han
is one of my two free sources of entertainment.
是我的两个免♥费娱乐资源之一
The other one is located right above this bar.
另一个就是架这横梁上的这宝贝了
Okay, I'll keep my hand on the seat,
好的 我会一直扶着后座
and then when you're ready, tell me, and I'll let you go.
然后等你准备好了 告诉我 我就放手
Okay, but don't let go until I say so.
好的 但我开口之前不许松手
Okay, let go.
好了 放手
Already did.
已经放了
I'm riding a bike?
我在骑自行车了?
Max, look out! Pothole!
Max 小心! 有坑!
There goes my other free source of entertainment.
这下连我的免♥费娱乐资源也没有了
Tootsie?
吃糖吗?
Yes, obviously!
那还用说!
Table ten. Pick up, Max.
十号桌 Max 端菜
Yeah, be right there.
好的 马上到
Like, you know, in a month.
等一个月吧
Uh, Max, how you doing?
Max 你怎么样了
I heard about your vag-accident.
听说你出了"阴♥道事故"
Look, if you need to see a doctor,
听着 如果你需要看医生
My cousin in florida is a good one,
我在佛罗里达的表弟还不错
But then again, the bumpy bus ride might kill you.
但是那条路颠簸得坐车会坐死你
No, no, it'll be fine, Earl.
不 不用了 我没事 Earl
I'm icing it. I just have to keep it cold.
我在用冰敷 得让它保持凉爽
We're out of ginger ale.
我们的姜汁饮料喝完了
I think you mean the ginger ale is out of you.
你指的应该是姜汁饮料从你身上掉了下来
Max, let me get that for you.
Max 我来帮你收拾吧
I feel like it was kind of my fault.
我感觉我也该负一点儿责任
Kind of?
一点儿?
Was Lincoln's death
难道约翰·沃克斯·布斯
kind of John Wilkes Booth's fault?
也只为刺杀林肯总统的负一点责任吗?
Pick up, Caroline.
Caroline 上菜
How'd it go with Sophie?
你和Sophie之间进展如何?
Were you able to do the thing, you know, the man does
你能做那事儿了吗 就是男人干得卖力
while the woman makes shopping lists in her head?
女人却满脑子想着购物的那事儿
Shh. Come on.
嘘 小点儿声
I don't want anyone to know I can't get it up.
我不想让人家知道我硬不起来
Oleg can't get it up?
Oleg硬不起来?
OMG. Oleg can't get it up.
天啊 Oleg硬不起来
Best week ever.
史上最开心的一周
Hey, everybody!
嘿 姐儿来了!
What's up?
都在干啥?
Not your boyfriend.
反正你男朋友没法干了
If anyone needs me,
要是有人找我
I'll be outside riding my bike
我就在外面一边骑自行车
with an erection.
一边勃♥起
Oh, no, no, no, no. He didn't hear it from me.
噢 不 不 不 不 不是我告诉他的
I only told two people...
我只跟两个人说了...
Max and my manicurist, Ming Wa.
Max和我的美甲师 Ming Wa
And you don't have to worry about her
而且你不用担心她
because she doesn't care about anything
因为她除了对持久的男人感兴趣
except loving some guy named "long time".
其他事情都不关心
Sophie, baby,
Sophie 亲爱的
This is hard.
这太难了
Yeah, maybe we better not try to be serious.
是啊 也许我们最好别玩真感情
I mean, the real truth is,
我是指 事实上
I only like you for your penis anyway.
我只喜欢你的小鸡鸡
Say that again.
再说一遍
What, that I only like you for your penis?
说什么 我只喜欢你的小鸡鸡吗?
One more time.
再说一次
Well, what, that I don't have any real feelings for you?
说我对你没有真感情?
That it's completely sexual
我们之前是纯炮♥友
and I only like you for your big, stupid penis?
我只喜欢你那会傻干的大鸡鸡
I'm back, baby.
我重振雄风了 宝贝
Sophie, can I see you in the kitchen?
Sophie 咱们到厨房去好吗?
And we better hurry. I'm making three-minute eggs.
我们最好快点儿 厨房里还做着嫩煮鸡蛋呢
Cancel my eggs.
鸡蛋不要了
I would've so left during that whole conversation,
如果不是老娘两腿之间夹着一罐胡椒博士饮料
but I'm holding a can of Dr. Pepper between my legs.
我早就不想听他们的谈话了
What? He's a doctor. He's seen it.
咋了 胡椒博士懂治病啊 他都看过了
Well, I think we're pretty much even.
我觉得这下我们扯平了
Your legs are a little sore, and I'll never have children.
你的腿有些酸 而我将不能生娃了
So I guess what I'm saying is thanks.
所以我的意思是谢谢你
So you really don't want to get back on the bike?
你真的不想再骑自行车了吗?
You're just gonna give up?
你就这样放弃了?
I bet even Tommy Doonan got back on the bike.
我跟你打赌Tommy Doonan都敢再骑自行车
Whatever happened to him.
无论发生了什么
I caught up with him on facebook.
我在脸谱网上看见了他
Well, more like really-messed-up-face-book.
或者 或者叫毁容网更适合
He's happily married.
他都结婚了 也很幸福
I bet right now he's driving his car,
我猜他现在正在开着车
looking straight ahead, and smiling at his wife
目视前方 然后用他的腮帮子
in the seat next to him.
对着他坐在旁边的妻子微笑呢
So that's it for deliveries?
所以我们就不搞外卖了?
Oh, you can deliver wherever and whenever you want,
你想送哪 啥时候送 都没问题
but there is no way I am ever getting on that bike again.
但我绝对不会再骑那辆自行车了
Max, look. Guinevere.
Max 快看 那是格尼薇儿
Oh, hell no!
哎呀 我勒个去!
She yarn-bombed our darn barn!
她在我们后♥庭上织满了毛线!
You two should've tipped.
谁让你们两个不给小费的
I'm an artist.
我是个艺术家
Eat my stitches, bitches.
菊花残了吧 小婊砸们
That was not whimsical at all.
还能不能再变态点儿
Give me the damn bike.
把自行车给我
Knit's about to hit the fan.
用毛线撞死这脑残粉
Max, you're doing it.
Max 你在骑自行车
What happened to your fear of bikes?
难道你不害怕骑自行车了吗
I guess the only thing stronger is my hatred of that nerd!
也许是因为我对这脑残的憎恶战胜了恐怖!
I'm Max. I'll be your waitress,
我叫Max 我是你们的服务员