Here's your check, Mr. ZZ and Mr. Top.
Would you like a to-go box,
or are you just gonna put it in your beard
with the rest of your sandwich?
We're in a beard-growing contest.
They happen all over the country.
It's a pretty big deal.
What's first prize?
Blindfold for your girlfriends?
I'm kidding, I know you don't have girlfriends.
Actually, this level of hair-art
takes months of hard work and commitment.
鸭子王朝: 美国真人秀节目 主角大多留着长胡子
Well, quack, quack, Duck Dynasty.
My left armpit could beat you both.
Let me tell you something on behalf of women everywhere.
We. Don't. Like. Beards.
我们 很不 喜欢 胡子
又作蓄须随从 即陪伴已婚男子与女友约会 用以掩人耳目的人
I never liked being one.
Ladies, if his name is Trace, get the hell out of there.
姐妹们 要是那男的叫Trace 就趁早闪人
See? So, shave losers.
看到了吧? 赶紧剃了 衰货们
If you're chinless or chin-plentiful,
it's better than what you've got going on.
There's your tip, be generous with mine.
You actually insult people and then expect them
to give you money?
That's how it works with you and me.
Everyone's loving our new cupcake T-shirts.
I've sold four in the last hour.
Three more and we can afford that towel we've had our eye on.
These T-shirts keep selling.
That means more money.
Mo' means mo' success.
I think I dated his cousin, Les.
Mind if I stop for a breather?
I've been "briding" my ass off.
Sophie, are those all your bridal magazines?
That's only half.
Come on, Oleg!
Look, if those are too heavy, how are you going to be able
听着 要是这些都嫌重 你打算怎么
to push the wedding donkey down the aisle?
My excitement level for this wedding just skyrocketed.
If I know how to do anything, it's how to move an ass.
That's true. Yeah.
Wow, you're carrying more heavy issues than Amanda Bynes.
Look at all these. Beautiful Bride,
Modern Bride, City Bride?
And do you really need African American Bride?
Well, I haven't ruled out cornrows.
Cornrows and a donkey?
This one's hot.
Save that one for later.
Oh, I forgot I'm getting married.
I might need a Tuesday off.
Sophie, why don't you get some help from your Maid of Honor?
I will kill you.
Or a wedding planner?
Oh, Sophie, my cousin, Svetlana, is a wedding planner.
想起来了 Sophie 我表妹Svetlana就是策划婚礼的
Okay, but she better be good.
Because I want everything to be perfect on my big day.
Our big day.
I can't believe this.
They're getting married and I don't have a wedding donkey
anywhere on my horizon.
OMG, you sell these T-shirts?
I just bought one.
Did I just sell you that shirt and already forgot?
I knew that nine-cent deodorant
was going to give me brain lesions.
Well, the label did have a picture of a brain
with "No Bueno" written on it.
No, I bought it at a store in Manhattan
on East Ninth and Broadway.
I know because I'm OCD and it was 67 steps
and 14 sidewalk cracks from the corner.
Max, someone else is selling our shirts.
We're getting hosed by some other hoes.
I can't believe they stole our shirt.
The one thing we made that people actually wanted to buy.
I feel like MySpace.
I haven't seen anything this upsetting in a window
since that time I accidentally caught a reflection
of myself in my waitress uniform.
We need to talk to someone
about those damn shirts you jacked.
We about to rumble.
What she means is, we wish to speak to someone
about the adorable cupcake T-shirts in the window.
Or, we will be about to rumble.
I'm just working here till I get my PhD
in the Eco-Social Dynamics of Western Civilization.
Those T-shirts are our design
and we need to know why they're here
and who knocked them off.
It's the granddaughter of the woman who owns this shop.
She's kind of a monster and she's walking in right now.
Hi, Kemberly and Ashlin.
These ladies are interested in your T-shirts.
Aren't they cute?
Yeah, super cute.
We designed them.
Yeah, we designed them.
Ashlin and Kimberly, is it?
It's Kemberly, with an "E""
I changed it myself 'cause I'm original.
Yeah, she's an original.
You know what's not original?
Those shirts. You stole them from us.
We did not steal your idea.
Yeah, we did not steal your idea.
We copied it from this lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.
Wait a minute...
we have a lame cupcake shop in Brooklyn.
Ashlin, you talk too much.
This is why everyone knows about my lap-band.
I think they know about it because you lost 200 pounds
over Spring break.
It's hard to believe she was once twice this obnoxious.
If you don't stop selling our T-shirts,
we're gonna have to get our lawyer involved.
Yeah, we're gonna have to get our lawyer involved.
And he's gonna kill you.
I don't know what lawyers do.
We're totally not doing this for us.
Yeah, we're rich.
A percentage of every shirt that we sell goes to charity.
Yeah, it goes to charity.
We are the charity that it needs to go to.
You're old and desperate for money.
And I totally get it.
My aunt's one of the Real Housewives of New York.
It's the one without the leg.
What just happened here?
That girl just called you old.
Earl, I don't think I'm going to be buying you that pinky ring
you wanted any time soon.
No rush, Max, you got plenty of time.
不急 Max 你有的是时间
I got like, six or seven months before I turn to dust.
It's 'cause our T-shirts got ripped off
by a couple of prep school girls in Manhattan.
It's like a bad 's movie.
I don't know whether to date James Spader
or teach this town how to dance.
This is so unfair.
Those girls can't just steal from us.
This isn't -Eleven.
Max, I can't believe your naivete?
What does my body spray have to do with anything?
Look, there is no reason to be so upset
about those two girls.
They're not going to affect our business.
Plus, they have to live with themselves.
And karma is a bitch.
I mean, I littered once and look what happened to me.
我是说 我曾经乱丢垃圾 再看我遭了什么报应
I'm up to my nuts in bridal junk.
There she is.
The love of my life.
The yin to my yang.
The zing to my wang.
Save that gold for the vows.
I am Svetlana, Oleg's cousin.
Well, darling, it could be worse.
You could be his sister.
And you must be Sophie.
But you haven't even heard any ideas.
Sophie, why did you just say my name?
Oh, it's Oleg's and my safe word.
Yeah. It means no.
It's the one word we both agreed we would never say during sex.
Are you sure?
Because I give free oil change with every wedding.
All right, well, I'll be in my booth.
You know, this wedding planner thing is as crappy as the movie
of the same name.
Girls, I forgot to tell you,
a man came by today with this letter for you.
This reminds me of when I was a young, hot-shot courier.
I was a young, hot-shot courier once, too.
I used to deliver drugs to my mother at work on my tricycle.
Oh, my God, Max, you're not gonna believe this,
天啊 Max 你不会相信的
but those two girls have issued a Cease and Desist order.
They're saying we have to stop selling our T-shirts.
That's what I told them we were going to do.
They even copied this idea.
We need to get a lawyer.
How? We can't even afford Law & Order on iTunes.
Hey, do you think we could afford that lawyer
on the subway billboards?
The one who has a gavel in one hand and a chicken in the other?
I think he just does accidents.
What is going on here?
There's food waiting in the window,
periodicals strewn about.
Someone's on his periodical.
Han, we just got served.
At least someone in the diner has.
You're lucky your boss is so chill.
Of course you're chill, you're one of Mr. Popper's penguins.
How about this?
We'll do the jobs you already pay us for
if you agree to pretend to be our lawyer.
You have a suit, right?
Why would I pretend to be a lawyer?
You can't even pretend to be waitresses.
No one's gonna believe Han's our lawyer, anyway.
He can't pass the bar, he can barely see over one.
That's it! I've had it with you two and your non-work ethic.
And this area is for customers.
I want these out of here!
I suppose I could dig up a suit if that could, somehow,
make this boss striking his employee thing go away.
Max, of course these girls go to Dalby Hall,
Max 这些姑娘当然会去Dalby Hall
all my archenemies did.
I guess Lady Gaga won in the end, though.
In other news, I kind of like this eye-patch.
I know you do, you were pretending to be
the pirate queen of the subway.
Well, no one arrrrrgued with us.
How long did the eye doctor say you have to keep it on?
And by eye doctor, I mean that first-year med student
we gave the free dessert to.
A few days, which is a bummer, 'cause only seeing half
of how sad we are is kind of a blessing.
How are we gonna find them?
Follow the scent of our decaying T-shirts business?
According to Instagram, they're in the cafeteria, see?
根据Instagram 她们在自助餐厅 看见没?
Ashlin just posted a pic of a mini-pizza.
They have mini-pizzas here?
My high school didn't even have heat.
Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up a suit
at the Men's Warehouse.
Don't you mean the Not Quite A Man's Warehouse?
Han, I love your lawyer costume. So authentic.
Han 我喜欢你的律师服 很逼真啊
Only thing missing is the hole where your soul should be.
Well, as I always say, if you're going to do something...
Do it with your left hand so it will feel like someone else?
No, if you're going to do something, do it right.
不是 如果你要做某件事 就好好做
Last Halloween, I went as Sprout from the Green Giant commercial
and I even put pea pods over my pee-pee.
You laugh, but I won $500.
Okay, I created my own Cease and Desist order.
Where did you get this?
Same place Max printed out that fake,
"I don't have herpe" doctor certificate.
And here's your business card.
Where? Where is it?
I can't see.
Here. And Han, I hope you're a better actor than Max.
给你 Han 我希望你是个比Max更好的演员
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is a better actor than Max.
Mr. Lu Su?
That's what you came up with?
Mr. Lu Su?
Well, you're a lawyer, so the "Su" part is totally on point.
But Lu Su?
No Asian was ever named that.
Maybe not in this galaxy,
but might I remind you of a Mr. Sulu.
Oh, yeah. I mixed it up. Genius!
没错 我把它重组了 天才啊!
Han, you don't have to use the cards.
I can make it work.
Two Halloweens ago, I was an Ewok
and turned an orange bath-towel into a turban.
Second place. $250.
And next Halloween, you can wear that
and goes as a lesbian minister.
Okay, so the plan is, we go in there
好吧 我们这么办 我们进去
and calmly confront them with our attorney.
I'll do the talking.
Han, you stand there and try to look smart.
Han 你站着 装作你很聪明就可以了
Ah. I'm already Asian. So, done.
啊 我是个亚洲人 所以这事已经搞定了
Wow, this brings me back.
I had a seat at the popular table, the Debate Team table,
the Student Council table,
and the Waiting For Marriage table.
But that table kind of fell apart
when everybody got pregnant but me.
I ate in the school parking lot with a wino.
He was so nice to me, I thought he might be my dad.
But then he never made a move on me,
so I guess he wasn't.
Attention everyone, attention.
Yeah, attention everyone, attention.
Ashlin and I are here today to sell our T-shirts
and to talk about bullying and how it's not cool.
It's so not cool.
I was talking, Ash.
Yeah, she was talking.
Their charity is bullying?
That's like Kanye West trying to raise money for laying low.
A $3 donation will be made to our anti-bullying fund
with each purchase of one of our super, super cute tees.
Super, super cute tees.
My super cute tee!
Best idea I ever had.
Right up there with the bong with a chin strap
so you could be hands-free to change the channel.
So buy a shirt right now and then we'll be back later
for the rest of the anti-bully talk.
Yeah, buy them or my dad won't pay
for the lacrosse equipment this year.
Let's go. They are making a fortune on us.
And if I'm gonna get screwed, it better be by someone over 21.
Yeah, that sounds like a job with a two drink minimum.
Han, don't mess this up or you'll be eating those glasses.
Han 别把这事搞砸了 否则就让你把这眼镜吃了
Might I interest you in an anti-bullying pamphlet?
Might I interest you in a seat on my finger?
Hey, how did you two get in here?
The school pays guards out front to keep out the homeless.
Yeah, well, jokes on you.
'Cause they just let us walk in.
Hello, girls. You can "Cease and Desis"
你们好啊 小姑娘 你们可以停止
selling our T-shirts as of now.
This is our attorney, Mr....
And he is holding our Cease and Desist
to counter your Cease and Desist.
Okay, well, first, your lawyer looks like a teacher
好吧 首先 你们的律师看上去像个
on a Disney show.
Is that a bad thing?
And if you have anything further to say,
you can take it up with my lawyer. Her dad.
And he's real good.
He got that CEO guy who admitted he killed his whole family
out on a technicality.
I forgot how mean girls can be.
How? I'm your roommate.
Thank you, Kemberly. Thank you, Ashlin.
谢谢你 Kemberly 谢谢 Ashilin
A little help.
Hello, girls, you all look very nice.
姑娘们 你们好 你们看上去人挺好的
What is he doing?
Hopefully a tight ten and then he'll bring up the headliner.
This may be hard to believe, looking at me
in this totally awesome suit,
but I know a little something about being bullied.
As a little child...
And as a slightly bigger adult.
Seriously? In the middle of his bullying speech, you're bullying?
你怎么这样? 他在进行校园欺凌演讲 你还要欺负他?
Kind of surprised even myself.
I have someone who bullies me.
Okay, let's get out of here while I can.
It's not just the hitting and the name-calling.
Although, not gonna lie, that's a real bummer.
虽然 说实话 这很令人沮丧
You see, girls, the bad thing about being bullied
但你们看 姑娘们 被欺负的坏处在于
is that every time it happens, it steals a little piece
of who you are.
And then, if it happens enough, little by little,
you become just a little less of who you were meant to be.
And that's not cool.
And these two girls up here, without knowing it, I'm sure,
stole a little piece of Max and Caroline.
when they stole their little idea.
And that's so not cool.
Yeah, that's so not cool.
Max, Caroline, we'll stop making the shirts.
Max 还有Caroline 我们不会再做这些衬衫了
Ash, I never said that.
Ah, no, Kemberly. I did.
不 Kemberly 我说了
And I liked you more before the lap-band.
When you were still Kimberly with an "I."
Max, did Han just save us?
I wasn't listening, I was putting mini-pizzas
in my pocket.
Girls, your shift started minutes ago.
What are you doing here so early?
Earl 我们有好消息 现在我们是
Earl, good news. We are now the sole owners
of all those cupcake T-shirts.
And, literally, nothing else.
Maybe I could rent a parrot and pick up some shifts
at Long John Silver's.
I'm about to meet another wedding planner.
And this one's gonna be good!
From the second I walked in here, I said to myself,
"That has to be her." And I can see it.
We're going to make magic together.
Yeah, what's gay for no?
Wow, I think we just survived a "Torgaydo""
Where am I gonna find another gay wedding planner
in New York now?
Just throw a tantrum in a Crate & Barrel,
在Crate & Barrel家装店发一次脾气
and five of them will come running.
Hey, nice legal work today.
You should be on the Little People's Court.
Yeah, from now on, I'm calling you "Hanny Cochran""
是啊 从现在开始 我要叫你Han大律师了
Okay. Next time you want to thank me,
just send me an Edible Arrangement.
I don't know many times I have to drop that hint.
But that's just, like, a two-inch drop.
Sorry. I can't help myself.
But I'm going to try because I know I was the bully
you were talking about in that speech.
What? I was talking about the doorwoman in my building.
I have to submit to a purple-nurple
just to get my mail.
There's another woman?
Max, I think Han has a side bully.
Well, I'll just have to try harder.
Because if anyone is gonna mercilessly nurple you
into an early grave, it's got to be me.
I'd like to think so, Max.
You'd also like to ride in a car facing forwards.
Back to normal.