米勒一家（2013）

我一听到这个消息就跑过来了 内森
Nathan, I came over as soon as I heard.
怎么了
What happened?
一听到这个消息
As soon as you heard?
你怎么会听到
How'd you hear anything?
我什么都没听到
Well, I didn't hear anything.
我推测出的
I put it together.
我看你的车停歪了
I saw that your car was parked crooked,
所以你回来的时候肯定很激动
so I knew you came home agitated.
从你穿过草坪的脚印来看
And from the footprints across the lawn,
你肯定是很匆忙的
I could tell you were in such a hurry
所以你都没时间走人行道了
that you didn't bother with the sidewalk.
我本以为你是内急
I thought it was a bathroom emergency,
但我没听到你冲厕所的声音
but then I didn't hear a toilet flush.
所以我就知道该我上场了
That's when I knew to come in!
有什么需要我帮忙的
How can I help?
如果你能想办法让我邻居不来烦我
It'd be a huge help if you could figure out a way
那就是帮了大忙了
to keep my neighbor from bothering me.
哪个邻居
Which one?
是楼上那个沙特 还是另一...
That Saudi upstairs, or the other...
不 人家沙特是意大利人
No, the Saudi is Italian
我说的是你好吗
and I'm talking about you!
内森 你最好来看看这个
Uh, Nathan, you better look at this.
今天弗吉尼亚发生了一则奇闻
In strange news out of Virginia,
著名篮球明星慈世平
it appears basketball star Metta World Peace
跟当地新闻记者内森·米勒在一家小学
had quite a disagreement with local news reporter Nathan Miller
发生了激烈争执
in an elementary school.
你把录的带子销毁了对吧
You destroyed the tape, right?
当然了
Of course.
虽然现场一片混乱
Despite the chaos,
但还是有学生用自己的手♥机♥
some students managed to capture
捕捉到了当时愚蠢懦弱的一幕
the act of stupidity and cowardice on their cell phones.
也许我只会对你大吼大叫两句
Maybe I'll just yell at you
就像你之前对我女儿钻世平大吼大叫那样
like you yelled at my daughter Diamond.
怎么了
What's happening?
我什么都看不清了
Can't see anything!
为啥我脚不沾地了
Why am I off the ground?
我不知道你们怎么看
I mean, I don't know about you guys,
脱口秀
但是身为一名母亲 我听说有人拿小孩子
but as a mother, when I hear of someone using a child
当人肉盾牌的时候
as a human shield...
我个人是坚决反对的
I, for one, am against that.
各位母亲 我说得对吗
Moms, am I right?
内森啊内森
Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.
不不 不是主菜单 我没说主菜单
No, no, no! Not "main menu." I didn't say "main menu"!
很典型啊
Representative.
搞什么
根本没有鼻涕
慈世平是美国篮协历史上
Metta World Peace is one of the most intimidating players
最具威胁力的球员之一
in the history of the NBA.
但是我们终于知道谁可以阻止他了
But we've finally found somebody who could stop him:
一个拿九岁小女孩当盾牌的胆小鬼
a coward holding a nine-year-old girl.
身为一名父亲 我很惊讶
As a father myself, I am impressed
慈世平竟然没直接揍他
that Metta World Peace didn't hit him.
换做是我
If it were me,
我肯定会跟内森·米勒展开世界大战
I would've gone Metta World War on Nathan Miller.
世界大战
Metta World War!
我就喜欢双关语
I love wordplay.
除了半岛电视台其它台都在播
It's on every channel except Al Jazeera.
不对 这个台也在播
Nope, there it is.
太难得了 那些家伙终于笑了
Good to see those guys laughing.
行了 不用担心
Okay, okay. Don't worry.
不用担心 我可以搞定
Don't worry. I can fix this.
首先 我们需要拿到那些主持人的手♥机♥号♥码
First, we need to get the phone numbers of all those TV hosts,
然后诱导他们把私处照片发给我们...
then lure them into texting us pictures of their private parts...
不不不
No, no, no, no, no!
不行
No!
不能那样做
You're not doing that.
你什么都不要做
You're not doing anything.
我只想让你好好待着别动
The only thing I want you to do is nothing.
明白吗
Understand?
我知道你不想让我来管你的琐事杂事
Listen, I understand you don't want me coming over
比如早上叫你起床
for the piddly stuff, like waking you up on time
或者倒掉你这里的过期牛奶
or dumping out your expired milk.
但是现在问题很严重
But this is a big problem.
身为母亲 我们就是为了
And big problems are what mothers have trained for
解决这种问题而生的
their whole lives!
我准备好了 儿子
I'm ready, son.
让我帮你吧
Put me in.
我才不要让你帮我
I'm not putting you in.
不不不
No, no, no.
你还是快点走吧
I'm putting you out!
我是个成年人了 我不需要你的帮助
I'm a grown man and I do not need your help.
好吧
Fine.
同样的话你不用跟我说三遍
You don't have to tell me more than three separate times.
你想独♥立♥吗
You want to be on your own?
那你就独♥立♥吧
You are on your own.
你想想剪...
Consider the cord...
脐带的时候
cut.
不用担心 老兄
Well, don't worry, man.
等下一个重大新闻
This will all blow over
占据头条的时候 你这事儿就会过去的
when the next, bigger story knocks it off the front page.
肯定会有哪个名人要进戒毒所了
I'm sure there's some celebrity who's about to go into rehab.
等着瞧吧
Watch.
看看娱乐今晚都有什么大料
Where's Entertainment Tonight at?
这一场面看似《飓风营救》的最新续集
It may seem like a scene from the newest Taken sequel,
但即使连姆·尼森[主角]都救不了这个小女孩
but even Liam Neeson couldn't save this little girl.
我在此警告大家 这段视频可是R级
I have to warn you, this clip is rated "R"
意思是"搞什么 内森·米勒"
for "Really, Nathan Miller?"
欢迎回来 我是托尼·柯恩海瑟
Welcome back. Tony Kornheiser with you,
最近当地新闻广播员内森·米勒
and there's a lot of hoo-ha going on
可算是引起了不小的骚动
about local newscaster Nathan Miller.
下面我们现场连线一下
So let's go to the phones.
阿灵顿的比尔
Bill in Arlington.
你好 托尼
Yeah, how you doing, Tony?
我想说 我觉得
Uh, I just gotta say, I think that
内森·米勒是个真正的英雄
that Nathan Miller's a real hero.
知道吗
You know?
我觉得如果你去看看那间教室就知道了
I think if you-- if you look at that classroom,
那就像个坏了的动物笼子一样
that, uh, that terrarium looks like it's... like it's broken.
说实话 我觉得
Matter of fact, uh, I think that, uh,
那里地板上可能到处都是蝎子
that floor might be covered in scorpions.
比尔 你是个混♥蛋♥
Bill, you're a dope.
听我说 托尼 让我...
Hey, listen, Tony, let me...
天哪 他好像挂我电♥话♥了
Oh, God, I think he hung up on me.
-到底是怎么... -好
- What's wrong with the... - All right,
他们其他电♥话♥线路都占着呢对吧
we've got all their other lines tied up?
这儿有一大批假装打电♥话♥的等着维护你呢
Yeah, I got a whole roll of fake callers here, ready to defend you.
你会学外国口音吗
How are you with foreign accents?
这个嘛...
Well...
我们继续回到电♥话♥连线环节
Let's go back to the phones.
有意思啊
This is interesting.
有位叫科琳的打电♥话♥来...
We have Colleen on the line...
地址显示是爱尔兰
all the way from Ireland?
爱尔兰的一个女人
A woman from Ireland?
希望你今早吃了幸运护身符麦片
I hope you ate your Lucky Charms this morning.
早上好啊 托尼
Top o' the morning to you, Tony.
需要很大的上肢力量
And it takes quite the upper body strength
才能只用胳膊就把小孩子举起来的
to lift a wee child with only your arms.
我当然知道了 因为我有11个
I should know. I've got 11.
11个孩子 不是11只胳膊
Children, not arms.
亲爱的
Oh, honey...
真的很抱歉 我好像病情加重了